[FireMedic428]

I am a 40 yr. old adoptee knowing at a very young age by my aparents. I grew up in a nice home and very loving atmosphere. I was always ridiculed as a child from other kids that I was adopted and still today people look and act different around me. All my life I have been depressed and felt meaningless to this world that I live in, everyday single day I feel it seems this has all got to stop and have thoughts since childhood to give in to that. My wife of 17 years don't understand what I am going through. Every time I bring up the discussion of why I feel the way I do to my aparents and if it has anything to do about my being adopted, there reply is, "Your feeling sorry for yourself". What is a person with so much pain and having no UNDERSTANDING on why I feel the way, to do. I can't be happy, I don't know how to be happy. A smile hurts so bad to do. Is this normal or is it just me. I went to a psychiatrist once in the hopes of getting some help with this and he advised me that being adopted in relation to why I was feeling unwanted, depressed, and suicidal that there was no documented proof. So much for that. I have looked for support groups for adoptees that feel like I do in my state, which are none. I want to understand why I am like this and what I can do about it. If someone is going through this same thing or has gone through this and can enlightened me on how deal with this whole adoptee thing....please help me


Tim

[snuffie]

Hi Tim,
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Your pain comes through in your post. You have come to the right place. There are a lot of good people here who can offer support and insights. Reading through others posts may be helpful too.

There are also many good books on adoption written by bmoms and adoptees. It helps to talk with people who can really understand the feelings of an adoptee. Those who aren't adopted, though they may try, just can't.

Snuffie

[sal]

I'm an adoptee who fortunately has been in reunion now for 5 years with bmom, bsibs and extended bfamily...I found the chatroom here invaluable in helping me deal with the emotional rollercoaster that one goes through in reunion... but best of all.......I found other adoptees who validated my feelings.....and found that I wasn't alone... and best of all......I wasn't crazy for feeling them either. I hope to catch you there sometime... sal

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by FireMedic428

All my life I have been depressed and felt meaningless to this world that I live in

You are SO not alone with this. I am nearing 38 and have, myself, spent my entire life feeling as if I were on the outside looking in. I feel as if I am not worthy of any happiness, I am nobody and that is the way it is meant to be.

Originally Posted by FireMedic428

"Your feeling sorry for yourself".

I don't mean to sound so glum. I have come to terms with it and have improved my attitude in some areas, but in the end, I am alone. There is my bfamily - who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family. Then there is the afamily who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family...and then there is me - floating somewhere in between and not truly belonging with either family.

In my entire life, I have personally known two people who were adopted and didn't know any birth relatives growing up. They have had issues (none of which they would ever DREAM of discussing - that's all part of my stick-your-head-in-the-sand afamily, that I, as an adoptee can recognize, but are issues that are completely hidden from the non adoptee.

There is no possible way they can understand. They have had the security of their bfamily with them their entire lives. Even if the family was broken - divorce or what have you, they have had at LEAST one biological family member that they could relate to. We never had that. In our most "formative years"....which is what....birth to 3 years of age?....we didn't have that connection with ANYONE. Then, from 4 to what.....10 years? We are comparing our differences with those around us and trying to understand where THEY end and we begin. For adoptees, the gap between where they end and we begin is enormous. They don't even intertwine. Then in our teen years, when we are miserable, just because we are hormonal teens, we are completely set apart from everyone AGAIN.

A smile does hurt, Tim. Why? Because we put on that smile, in a feeble attempt to be accepted by, and a part of the family and the society that we were dropped into one day.

It is not us. We are merely trying to be accepted into the fold SOMEWHERE....and in the process we painfully smile in the hopes that someone will accept us....

When our birthmothers and birthfamilies send us away (for whatever their reasons) when we are just innocent infants, is it any wonder that we struggle with connecting, and struggle with succeeding and struggle with something so simple as "smiling"??????

Raina

[marimari]

I can relate to what Tim is saying, too...When we are not allowed to express what we feel, right or wrong, it soon stifles us, especially hearing that we are supposedly feeling sorry for ourselves..well, yes, at that moment we perhaps are and we are just looking for someone to say, yup, that sucked.
While not an adoptee, but as a child, i was in foster homes, I remembered when reading the above posts that I was always told to knock that chip off my shoulder..which as a kid, I really didn't understand, but as I grew up, I learned like you all, to just shut up.
It doesn't seem to matter how much we are provided with, as in tangible stuff that we get as children, if we are not valued enough as individuals, especially in homes where we will be the lone one like us, we become a hodge-podge of personalities and we do seem to adapt. For a while..then, things just seem to bite us in the butt at a later date.
I can't say that it's ok to blame most of our woes on the separation of mother and child, because at some point we do have to become accountable..as adults we have the ability to make choices, unlike when we were wee ones.
I think it'd be OK, good even, to gently tell the people who waved the feeling sorry for yourself banner in front of us that we actually had a hard time melding and that it did hurt!!!

That we think people set us apart, well, that may be more of our own perceptions than the actuality, altho kids can be cruel, for sure...but consider the possibility that most people will not be able to tell unless of course there are very obvious differences, like skin color, etc..
I wonder how many adoptive parents who go out of their country to adopt ever consider how that child will fit in given physical differences that will be readily apparent? Not only are kids cruel, for sure...they learn their intolerances from someone....

Anyway, my point was going to be that as adults we are in the position of being able to celebrate our differences. We can let some of the aches from childhood fade a bit as we try to focus on all that was good..is still good. Other people who have not walked the walk will more than likely just not get it. I guess it's being unfair to expect them, too..no matter how loving they are, the alone feelings of many adoptees are near impossible to really understand... thankfully there is this place to come and take comfort in knowing that one isn't alone or an oddball...it's ok to cry here and not have to worry about anyone giving you something to cry about...I hope that adoptive parents will read what you all have written thus far and remember that it's always important to honor our children's feelings, whether they fall and scrape their knees or have hurt feelings...empathy and compassion will serve us all well.

[esp1222]

I am an adoptee who grew up my entire life not knowing any of my birth relatives...blood relatives. They are one in the same. At 32, I have found my birthmother (when I was 25), but I have still never met ANYONE I was blood related to, with the exception of my children. One of whom died after living only 31 hours in this world.

I did grow up with a great family, my adopted parents divorced when I was 12. We still have the same problems as any family, but still...they are my family. I think I am mentally healthy about my being adopted, although earlier in my life, I had abandonment issues (I thought everyone would leave me eventually). It is funny though, no one has really ever left me. I don't have those issues now.

I have gone through my occasional bout of depression. I have felt unloved and unwanted, even though it was all in my head. I have never equated my adoption and my depression to have any bearing on one another.

We all tend to blame things in our lives on experiences in our lives. To some extent that is true. I am not discounting how anyone on this board feels. I just don't think it all necessarily stems from being adopted.

My boyfriend is bipolar. He was raised in a loving christian home and his parents are still married. He fights depression on an almost daily basis. Life in general is hard for him.

I know I am rambling, but I guess my point is that maybe not all problems that adoptees have are directly related to being adopted.

I admit I have been blessed. I have friends and family that love me more than I probably deserve. I want to be happy, so I try to get up every morning and put a smile on my face. Some days are harder than others, but I have so much to be thankful for and I try to focus on that rather than focus on the horrible things I have gone through in my life. Don't get me wrong. I often have "pity parties"...I think we all do!

As for the adoptees who don't want to meet their bparents/families and the bfamilies who want nothing to do with the children they gave away...they are the ones missing out!

When my son died, I was young and I had to dig deep to find the strength to get through it...I had lots of help from friends and family. When my ex left before our daughter was born, I knew for her sake, I had to get through it. I found strength I never knew I had. I would love to have a relationship with my birthfamily...but they chose not to have one. It is their loss. I choose to have a good life, even on the days I don't think the strength is there, God sends it to me somehow. Keep your chins up!

[esp1222]

And one more thing...YOU ARE ALL WORTHY OF HAPPINESS! everyone is. Claim it for yourself.

[hnnybnny]

Hi...I totally understand how you feel...even when things are going well for me, I still have this underlying feeling of doom...i don't let people get too close to me, when they do, I push them away or just avoid them. I have always hated being adopted, i hated the stigma attached to it...why is it that WE the adoptees, the innocent victims that had no choice in this, are the ones with all of these repressed feelings. I've been writing in a journal and made a website of some of my stuff...if you want to check it out..here it is. http://www.freewebs.com/barbs-daughter

I hope you find some peace in all this..and once the chatroom is up and running you should come in..there are a lot of wonderful people to talk to about your feelings..and you'll be surprised how many of us feel just like you.

[LeiLei]

They just don't understand and are being very disrespectful, I got that too. For the sake of your emotional stability, I would not discuss it with them. Find someone who can relate to this issue and when you want to talk about that talk to them...I am here.

[talya]

i know exactly how you feel, i am only 20, but i havent even started looking for my bparents... i feel like my aparents would be crushed. i have felt depressed and unwanted for years now. when i was younger, i felt so differant from my entire family. people would always say i look like my adad, and i kindof do, but it feels like they are just reminding me that i dont know anyone i am blood related to. i am scared to have a serious relationship, because i am terrified of rejection. i thought i was all alone, until i read your post. i cant talk to my friends or family about how i feel becuase they dont understand. i have tried to talk to my aparents, but they think i am over reacting. they have no idea how i feel.

[Fekhten]

Tim: I completely understand how you feel. I've shared most of those feelings all my life.

Raina: you said it all and you said it perfectly. When I read your post, I immediately wanted to forward it to someone who's very dear to me but just doesn't seem to understand me.

Thanks.

-Fekhten

Originally Posted by Raina0831

You are SO not alone with this. I am nearing 38 and have, myself, spent my entire life feeling as if I were on the outside looking in. I feel as if I am not worthy of any happiness, I am nobody and that is the way it is meant to be.





I don't mean to sound so glum. I have come to terms with it and have improved my attitude in some areas, but in the end, I am alone. There is my bfamily - who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family. Then there is the afamily who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family...and then there is me - floating somewhere in between and not truly belonging with either family.

In my entire life, I have personally known two people who were adopted and didn't know any birth relatives growing up. They have had issues (none of which they would ever DREAM of discussing - that's all part of my stick-your-head-in-the-sand afamily, that I, as an adoptee can recognize, but are issues that are completely hidden from the non adoptee.

There is no possible way they can understand. They have had the security of their bfamily with them their entire lives. Even if the family was broken - divorce or what have you, they have had at LEAST one biological family member that they could relate to. We never had that. In our most "formative years"....which is what....birth to 3 years of age?....we didn't have that connection with ANYONE. Then, from 4 to what.....10 years? We are comparing our differences with those around us and trying to understand where THEY end and we begin. For adoptees, the gap between where they end and we begin is enormous. They don't even intertwine. Then in our teen years, when we are miserable, just because we are hormonal teens, we are completely set apart from everyone AGAIN.

A smile does hurt, Tim. Why? Because we put on that smile, in a feeble attempt to be accepted by, and a part of the family and the society that we were dropped into one day.

It is not us. We are merely trying to be accepted into the fold SOMEWHERE....and in the process we painfully smile in the hopes that someone will accept us....

When our birthmothers and birthfamilies send us away (for whatever their reasons) when we are just innocent infants, is it any wonder that we struggle with connecting, and struggle with succeeding and struggle with something so simple as "smiling"??????

Raina

[StarryNights™]

Wow, I couldn’t have said this better myself. “A smile does hurt, Tim. Why? Because we put on that smile, in a feeble attempt to be accepted by, and a part of the family and the society that we were dropped into one day.”

This is a slightly different point of view with me.

I just turned 40 earlier this week. I did not find out I was adopted until I was 35. I can tell you that a couple of years ago I could not relate to either Tim's or Raina’s post. I can tell you that since my reunion my being bi-polar has made my reunion roller coaster even more difficult to deal with. Days like yesterday, where all I want to do is yell at my birth mother and say see what you did to me??? My depression is genetic and has run through almost all of the women in my birth mom’s family.

The people I always thought were my family were NOT my biological family. Therefore, I managed to convince myself that friends are the family we choose. Let me tell you I am very good at being “choosey”. So over the last 5 years, I have been excluded from every family get together, holiday, etc. Considering I have only my amom, I have no family any place else. Adad died when I was three and I was an only child. Amom was never close to her family, so I never really got to know any of them. Holidays for me anymore make me want to hide and usually I stay in my apartment by myself.

I think of all of the hassle (understatement) my ex-husband had to put up with me back then. He had no idea how to handle me, with me not knowing how to fit into a family or for that matter how a family works. I gave him no end of grief when it came to me trying to get out of going or trying to leave early. I was completely uncomfortable. I felt like I was taken into his family because they had, to since we were married. I know towards the end he resented me for it.

I tried to fit in, but we had completely different backgrounds. I grew up spoiled, no siblings, and never needed or wanted anything because it was always given to me. He on the other hand was the youngest son of 4 kids, his dad a factory worker and farmer of sorts. (Raised a variety of animals for meat.) Everything from the way they dressed to how they ate was almost an exact opposite of me. Obviously, I did not fit in there; when I tried, I seemed to be fake to me. When I didn’t try, I felt left out or felt like they couldn’t relate to me. Amom resented them and was angry with me when I did try to fit in because she felt I was lowering myself to their standards.

I became very angry. I took it out on most anyone who would cross my path eventually all the more while my depression was getting worse. I really needed to be medicated. I left him, divorced and moved to Boston for a couple of years trying to get a handle on what was going on with me. I also tried to get a handle on my spirituality there as well which left me with more questions then answers. (Raised Lutheran, tried about every common religion.) Then I attempted suicide, moved back home. Married again 3 years later had a nervous breakdown with almost the exact same issue. Only adding in even more loneliness because I was living in a suburb of Detroit and it was just him and I. I sought therapy. I had tried before but it was more because I was forced into it. This time I knew I had to otherwise I would lose my mind completely. My best friend who lived downstairs from me was a former cop. I felt I couldn’t tell her what I was going through. She had a hard life of her own and I did not want to be judged again. Over the course of 3 more years, I went to counseling weekly between my psychotherapist and my psychiatrist. About half way through that time frame, my psych prescribed me something for my anxiety and panic attacks. That were slowly but surely making me become housebound. I became addicted to Xanax in order to get me through my “family times” which for them occurred weekly if not couple of times weekly. I hit rock bottom after realizing what a mess my life was. I attempted suicide again and failed again. Let me tell you that is the worst feeling in the world when you can’t even get that right! For the next 30 days, I was detoxed and institutionalized.

My then husband came to see me often but most of the time I was too embarrassed to want to see him and often sent him away. I came out thinking I need to get out of this marriage because I am doing him no good. I was only causing him grief and stress. He looked at me differently. Like I continually disappointed him, which reminded me of how my other husband looked at me. I left a few months later. I have felt guilty ever since thinking had I known I was depressed and that my depression was going to cause my life such pain, I would have never of gotten married either time. Neither of those men deserved what I put them through.

Now if you want to toss in that I had a step father who was an alcoholic and who died of Alzheimer’s, have had 4 miscarriages and cannot have children due to a genetic condition, several failed marriages and being alone in this world once amom passes, I guess I have every right to do the oohh poor me. When I have my bad days believe me, I remember all of those reasons.

Smiling? Ya, I do smile now more so then ever. I am on medication, no not THAT kind of medication lol, have support NOW; have even gone back to college carrying a 3.80 G.P.A. (You would probably laugh at this, but I passed my psych class with a B. Couldn’t possibly imagine why? lol )

I still have my days where even getting up out of bed to go to the bathroom is a chore. I like it to call it the “tide being out” because when you think about it, when the tide goes out, it leaves all of the nasty, smelly, dead things on the shore. All of that bad stuff gets brought to the surface where I am forced to deal with them. When the tide comes back in, the water covers all of that bad stuff and I can carry on with my so-called life with little notice from anyone of how much pain I am in or what my past is like.

I hope that helps everyone to understand they are not alone in the way they feel. We can get through it but we can't do it alone. We all have our stories of pain and trauma. We often mask it with a laugh or hiding in our caves. Only those that have walked in our shoes KNOW how we feel. The others can only sympathize with us.

[everempty]

Hi there FireMedic,

I am a 38 year old 'adoptee' (God, I even hate using that term!).

I was adopted as an infant, and was told of my adoption when I was about 3 years old. My aparents already had one biological daughter when they adopted me, and soon had a biological son following my adoption.

I recall the day I was told I was adopted so clearly - it is the day my world fell apart.
I was told i was 'special', 'chosen' - all the old cliche's - so why did I feel so utterly sad and confused?

I don't think it helped that my 'brother;' & 'sister' were both my aparents' biological children. Not only was I stuck in the middle, so dealing with good old 'middle-child-syndrome', but children can be very cruel, and many a time I stood with defiance in my eyes as they repeatedly told me how they wished mum & dad had never got me & wished I would go back to the orphanage - nice! As I grew up,I was told that my agrandmother (a staunch Irish Roman Catholic) had resisted my aparent's adoption plans, and it was made very clear that in her eyes, I was not part of the family.

Anyway, at the risk of falling into a pit of self-pity, the story at the moment is that, I met my birth mother when I was 18.

It was an emotional meeting and one which I had longed for for as long as I could remember. She had given birth to me at the age of 15 after being sent away to an unmarried mothers home, as was the practise in those days. To her family, of course, the story was that she had been taken poorly and was going to stay with some distant cousin in the country to recover! She had not married my bfather, but had continued to see him for a further 4 years after my birth. She was married with three small boys, who have grown up knowing that I am their 'Big Sis', and things for the last 20 years have been relatively pleasant between us all. Of course there is the odd family occaission that I am not invited to, and yes, it hurts, but I try not to let it eat me up. I have wasted enough tears and anger over the years.

My aparents have been supportive, but I am always very cautious not to hurt their feelings, and feel guilty whenever my bmother comes to visit. I almost feel like I should hide the visits from them, but have not done so. In fact my bmother is very good, and always makes a point of popping in to see my aparents while she is here. It must be very strange for both of them, and yet it is something that none of us talk about.

My 'brother' & 'sister' & I, are not too close, however we do see each other & I do think of them as family to a degree. The problems are on my part, I know, and I do distance myself from them. I don't know why I do, but there you go! They both have children, but neither of them has ever explained to their children that I am adopted, and have certainly never told them about my 'other mum'. When my niece stayed with me recently, she seemed quite perplexed when going through my photo albums, that I had this whole seperate family to the one she assumed I was in. I guess that is the crux of the problem - I don't quite fit into either, and I have no real sense of 'belonging'.
This is no reflection on my aparents - although they did say things that cut me to the core sometimes. An argument would occur in my teens, and they would respond 'Although you're not our real daughter............', too late - it had been said. The rest didn't matter. I'm sure they said really positive things too, but somehow it is always the hurful things that I recall.

Anyway, I am rambling! I was hoping to go and stay with my birthmother this Christmas - the first Christmas I would have spent with her, and my new step-father. Last night, my (lovely) new step-father rang to speak to my husband, and we are NOT going for the holidays.

Why? Not because we are not wanted by my bmother, but because my bgrandmother will be there, with her new boyfriend, and she hasn't told him about me!! He is a 'man of the church' and she doesn't want to tell him - obviously because despite being welcomed by my bmother & her boys, my b-uncles etc - I am still a sordid, dirty little secret that she wishes she could just brush under the carpet! I am So incredibly upset, and dissappointed.

My husband asked if I was angry - & although perhaps I should feel an element of anger (perhaps towards my bmother - why didn't she stand up to her mother & say tough!), or perhaps towards my bgrandmother (for her short-sighted & bigotted views), I'm afraid that all I feel is alone. Alone, small and so not special.

I do feel some anger - anger at the word 'adopted'. I hate it HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!!! I wish I had never heard of it. I feel re-rejected all over again.

So many feelings I had supressed & learnt to live with for so long, have all re-surfaced & I feel totally torn apart.

I keep trying to be logical and am trying to tell myself, this is not my problem, it is my bgrandmother's problem, but it is affecting ME and hurting ME. Just like it always has.

I will have to explain to my kids why their mom isn't quite good enough for them to be able to spend the holidays with their Nana.

So, you are not alone FireMedic - but yes, you are. We all are.
I know I am.