[chrissy2]

I have been reading the posts listed under "adult adoptees" forums. I am saddened by what I see. This grouping - "relating to adoptees" - seems to have the most responses.



The majority of what I have read here is originally posted by Adopted Mothers. I do feel appreciate and love your concern. We, adoptees, respond to your questions, wanting to help - you and the children. If you look in the other forums, there is less response.



The adoptee is the only member of this triad that had no choice. I am not saying it was not best for all. I am grateful for my life and the parents I have. But, why does it seem that the birth mother and adoptive mother don't read our stories and want to give us perspective from the other sides.



I know the parents that post here are worried about the kids they have decided to love and care for. But, maybe, instead of asking questions about how we feel, you should take the time to read our stories and respond to them.



Just a thought. I realize my feelings may be skewed. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings. But, these are mine.

[mom2justynsarah]

I am an adoptive mom. I am so sorry you feel this way. I primarily post on the "relating to adoptees" forum to ask questions. At least for me, it's a great way to get raw, unfiltered, and REAL advise from an adoptee's perspective.


I am not quite sure what has hit your nerve? Please clue me in.


Thanks,
Julie

[Lynn226]

Julie,

There have been a few times when the view points of adoptees have been soundly rejected and discounted by other board members. One example springs to mind, but I'm not sure if the TOS would allow me to discuss it here.

Chrissy2,

As a future adoptive parent, I love to hear from adoptees. I have been fortunate enough to know several adoptees. Several have been willing to share at least part of their story with me and I have learned from each of them.

[JPDakota]

You know, though, I'm an adoptee and I am continually pushed aside because I don't desperately need a birth parent, I know who I am, my adoptive mother and father are my "real" parents, and I reject the precepts of the "triad" concept. I would guess, although I don't know this, that a lot of people post here, and most of them feel "put down" to a certain degree. What we have here, I think, is a lot of emotion. That causes all kinds of things in terms of communication. Just how it is. From my standpoint, please continue to communicate.

[crick]

Sorry you feel that way Chrissy...

I think a part of why I don't necessarily respond to a lot of adoptee support threads is because I fear I may be intruding. If I see a lot of threads about how unhappy adoptees are and the struggles, then I guess I feel as an aparent, I might be the last person anyone would want replying.

Food for thought though, and you do have a point.

[wilted rose]

JPDakota wrote "What we have here, I think, is a lot of emotion. That causes all kinds of things in terms of communication. Just how it is."
Well said, I'm thankful everyday to have a safe haven to express my emotions and in turn their effects with so many that can relate. Chrissy, share with us your experiences, I'm confident there are many here to lend a supportive ear.
Rose

[Pinakitha]

Originally Posted by chrissy2

IThe adoptee is the only member of this triad that had no choice.

why does it seem that the birth mother and adoptive mother don't read our stories and want to give us perspective from the other sides.


Just a thought. I realize my feelings may be skewed. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings. But, these are mine.

Dear Chrissy2,

Like you, I have no wish to be rude but try time travelling back to the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s and see whether, if you were a young, unmarried woman in those days, you would have any real "choice".

Worst of all, is that many of us who WERE such young, unmarried women with babies born out of wedlock, have discovered that we were lied to, that lies were told about us in the adoption files and that, if we had but known it, there was help out there for us to keep our babies.

Sadly, however, the governments didn't want to give us welfare, so they promoted adoption as the "cheap option" instead - that was the "hidden agenda" of adoption back then. As a result, social workers were often encouraged to "persuade" the young woman that they really should do "the right thing" for their child and relinquish that child to adoption - "in the best interests of the child". Many young women did that FOR THEIR CHILD and knowing full well that THEY were NOT happy about the situation but they were willing to do ANYTHING to give their child the good life that they had been led to believe they could not give them due to the fact that they were young and, more importantly, unmarried. Many of those young women have grieved privately and in silence ever since for the loss of their child.

As for original/first mothers not reading your stories. Please be assured that we DO read them. Most of us really want to understand what happened and how you feel about your adoption. If you are in reunion with us, you can be sure that many of us will have read just about everything there is out there about adoptees AND we will have read all the various threads on sites such as this where adoptees post.

I hesitate to say anything these days because, sadly, several adopted people on this site have been very rude and unkind to me when I have tried to explain things to them to help them understand. Perhaps other mothers in my situation feel the same and are therefore reluctant to post?

We ALL need to hear each others' stories so that we can learn and understand. Hopefully, bitterness and anger will not poison our minds when we do this, but we will read with sensitivity and compassion and understand that adoption can have profound effects on all members of the triad.

[JPDakota]

"Sadly, however, the governments didn't want to give us welfare."
Well, who is the government? From my standpoint, I am. I'm a citizen and a taxpayer.

[mom2justynsarah]

Worst of all, is that many of us who WERE such young, unmarried women with babies born out of wedlock, have discovered that we were lied to, that lies were told about us in the adoption files and that, if we had but known it, there was help out there for us to keep our babies.


My husband was born in 1965 to a young unmarried woman. The attorney who handled the adoption was corrupt. After some searching, my husband found a group of other adoptees whose adoptions were handled by this so called attorney.

Basically this attorney was in cahoots with a particular judge. The birthmoms were lied to. They were never able to see their babies. Some were told their babies died. If they gave birth to a boy, they were told they had a girl (and vice versa).

In addition, original birth certificates were changed. Some were never documented. This means that technically some of these adoptees never existed (until a birth certificate was made with the adoptive parent's names.

Because of this corruption, my husband will mostly never be able to meet his birthmom. His birthmom may not even know she has a son. My son will not be able to find out who half of his bloodline belongs to...and so on...

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by chrissy2

I have been reading the posts listed under "adult adoptees" forums. I am saddened by what I see. This grouping - "relating to adoptees" - seems to have the most responses.



The majority of what I have read here is originally posted by Adopted Mothers. I do feel appreciate and love your concern. We, adoptees, respond to your questions, wanting to help - you and the children. If you look in the other forums, there is less response.



The adoptee is the only member of this triad that had no choice. I am not saying it was not best for all. I am grateful for my life and the parents I have. But, why does it seem that the birth mother and adoptive mother don't read our stories and want to give us perspective from the other sides.



I know the parents that post here are worried about the kids they have decided to love and care for. But, maybe, instead of asking questions about how we feel, you should take the time to read our stories and respond to them.



Just a thought. I realize my feelings may be skewed. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings. But, these are mine.

Crissy,

I so agree, its very difficult to talk about our own issues...as seperate and just as important as anyone elses. No matter what we are judged for our feelings what ever they may be..Whethr we want to search or not, whether we want a relationship or not, whether we feel for our bparents or aparents there is someone say ing we are wrong and "don't you understand what we went through". And it comes from both birth and adoptive parents. They are so sensitive to what we feel that we are not allowed to feel for ourselves. We...in their opinion need to be educated...to their point of view.....

Our feelings are not looked at objectivly...

[crick]

Donna,

???

What then do you suggest? The OP is asking that more people take a moment to read and respond to the adoptee support threads and you are saying you agree and yet state that "we" have a need to educate y'all to our point of view?

So which is it then? Do we stay away to "allow" you your own feelings or do we support?

Just asking...

[dpen6]

crick,

I am not quite sure what it is..... ..but I know for myself when an adoptee is saying.."I have no need to search...sh/he can be bombareded with many posts from both aparentsand adoptive parents saying...things Your bmothr would be thrilled to meet you...can you think of her feelings..or on the flip side aparents saying things like ....we are your parents...we gave you the love ect...while both sides may be true its not what is being asked....am I makeing sense..I have been told I have trouble with that (not here).....I would like to see an adoptee be able to post and be able to explore their own feelings with out the addoed burden of having the parents feelings...joy, pain, ect. Yes, I have seen many good people do that with adoptees but .IMO...an adoptee posts and they get it from both sides.....its common and expected.

So I guess its not really support but more of an allowance.....the same as the other two sides of the traid.

How many confused adoptees have we seen post ..most of their confusion is about not hurting anyone...not about themselves but what their existence may do to someone else......

I could go on...

Thanks for asking...

[crick]

Ah, okay...I get it I think. I thought at first you were implying that no one other than adoptees can offer support, because the other 2 sides just keep pulling no matter what. But what I'm hearing now is that it's the type of support and opinion that is more the problem.

I mean..if you don't search, you are obviously in denial. If you do search, you are being disloyal. If you search for medical reasons only, you are selfish.
(not really, just saying what I've seen or think you are referring to..)

Guess the taffy pull business isn't so hot after all...

[dpen6]

[quote=crick]Ah, okay...I get it I think. I thought at first you were implying that no one other than adoptees can offer support, because the other 2 sides just keep pulling no matter what. But what I'm hearing now is that it's the type of support and opinion that is more the problem.

I mean..if you don't search, you are obviously in denial. If you do search, you are being disloyal. If you search for medical reasons only, you are selfish.
(not really, just saying what I've seen or think you are referring to..)

Guess the taffy pull business isn't so hot after all...[/QUOTE/]


Yup, thats about it.....I have seen where many adioptees offer support and wham...it becomes the mothers strory.either side...not the adoptee...it takes the direction of the mothers. I know its not meant to be that way...but the adoptee gets lost in others stories. It is pretty common for the adoptee to be minimized both here on the forums and ILR....

I rememeber someone posted abourt ayear ago..she was ...I think>>> a kept daughter of a birthfather and she was telling us to be just greatful for what happened and leave them alone...I have heard adoptees be called crazy ect and their is NEVER the outpouring of respomses that if said about bmoms or amoms would geneerate.....

I can't help but think its because no one really cares..or many thinks their might be some truth to them or that it really is not that important...I don't know..but it does effect us in very subtle ways..especially as children..because its absorbed and becomes part of them. Why could their problems with some...with self eesteem...hearing those kinds of comments from the GP does it....even when an adoptee is in a "real family"....

Crick, those from the other to sides can and do offer support but some from the other two sides rreally don't....

[patti Daniels]

Chrissy2,
I have an adopted daughter. I do not always understand where she is coming from. I helped her find her bmom. I traveled with her over 3000 miles to leave her with her bmom and half sister and half brother. She was happy most of the time, but the one day I spent with her and the bfamily she became angry at me. I ask her if she has heard from her bmom and she says, "I do not want to talk about it." She keeps that side of her life very private. She is only 18. It hurts me terrible that she doesn't want to share. I realize she did not have a choice. When she was placed in my arms, she held my finger. I think she is the most beautiful baby and has grown into the most beautiful daughter. I prayed to be a mother. I have loved every minute of being a mom. I do care about adoptees feelings. I read the threads. The main reason I like this site is to try to understand how adoptees feel. I just wanted to be the best mom I could be and when she doesn't want to share her feelings it hurts.

Originally Posted by chrissy2

I have been reading the posts listed under "adult adoptees" forums. I am saddened by what I see. This grouping - "relating to adoptees" - seems to have the most responses.



The majority of what I have read here is originally posted by Adopted Mothers. I do feel appreciate and love your concern. We, adoptees, respond to your questions, wanting to help - you and the children. If you look in the other forums, there is less response.



The adoptee is the only member of this triad that had no choice. I am not saying it was not best for all. I am grateful for my life and the parents I have. But, why does it seem that the birth mother and adoptive mother don't read our stories and want to give us perspective from the other sides.



I know the parents that post here are worried about the kids they have decided to love and care for. But, maybe, instead of asking questions about how we feel, you should take the time to read our stories and respond to them.



Just a thought. I realize my feelings may be skewed. I am sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings. But, these are mine.