[Alesya]

Hello everyone!
I am a newcomer, so please forgive if these questions were already discussed.And I would be really thankful if you give me links to similar topics.

I am Russian and live in Russia. And as it's well known there are a lot of orphans here . Now, fortunately , more and more people adopt children, special articles appear in newspapers, special programms on TV, and I am really hope that the situation with orphans will be changed some day.

Now I have questions to adult adoptees, but if adparents agree to share their experience, I would be very thankful too. These questions are regularly discussed in our Russian forum, but there are only a few aduld adoptees (because adoption wasnot very popular in Russia years ago, and besides many parents kept secret). That's why I am here and ask you.

1) How do you think adparents should keep secret about adoption or no? Why?

2)If NO. When should adparets tell the child about it? (-is it better to grow up with this knowledge? or at 6-7, or at 20? When?

3)How should parents say? (- you was born by strange woman and then your reall found you;-your mam was good but unhappy( or ill) and could not keep you...) Please write the way you would like to hear it?

4) Do you prefer to know all true about your bioparents, even really bad or not? For example, should adparents tell their adchild that his bioparents are in prison for serial murders?

Thank you.
Sorry for my English.

[rilo kiley]

Aleysa-

Welcome. I was wondering, what brings you to the adoption forum? Were you adopted? Have you adopted? Are you considering adoption? How has adoption touched your life?

I'm just curious as to why these specific questions are on your mind and how they may affect you personally.

I was adopted as an infant and my adoptive parents always told me, from birth, that I was adopted. My birth mother was a healthy teenage girl and I was given her history and small bits of personal information about her through the social worker who placed me. So I don't think I can answer many of your questions from personal experience. I hope you find what you're looking for. This is a really wonderful forum and I hope you find support here.

Be well.

[Azura]

1) How do you think adparents should keep secret about adoption or no? Why?
I do not think that adoption should be kept a secret. There has been so many horror stories of them finding out on their own and hating their aparents for lying to them their entire lives. Besides, the truth will come out sooner or later.

2)If NO. When should adparets tell the child about it? (-is it better to grow up with this knowledge? or at 6-7, or at 20? When?
I was told as an infant. It was my good-night story. I think that if achildren know about it from the beginning, although they will have problems in the future (i constantly got teased with kids and adults saying that my parents weren't my real parents and my brother wasn't my real brother) but when I had questions, Mom answered them honestly and I grew up to respect my bmom's decision and love her for giving me a family that raised me and loved me unconditionally.

3)How should parents say? (- you was born by strange woman and then your reall found you;-your mam was good but unhappy( or ill) and could not keep you...) Please write the way you would like to hear it?
Most children are given up because the mother could not afford to keep them. My bmom had a previous daughter before me (1 year and 1 day to be exact) and really couldn't afford it. That's how I was raised. Lynda loved me so much that she wanted me to have a better life than she could provide.

4) Do you prefer to know all true about your bioparents, even really bad or not? For example, should adparents tell their adchild that his bioparents are in prison for serial murders?
I think that if that is the truth, than telling a white lie is ok. This all depends on the age of the child. It's common sense not to tell a 5-year-old that their adoptive parent is in jail. Most achildren love to hear about their heritages. I found out that I'm puerto rican, british, scottish, german, and irish. For a while, just stick with they wanted to give the child a better life. Once they get older and they're mature enough, they ought to know the truth.

[Alesya]

Thank you very much for replays!

Originally Posted by rilo kiley

Welcome. I was wondering, what brings you to the adoption forum? Were you adopted? Have you adopted? Are you considering adoption? How has adoption touched your life?

I'm just curious as to why these specific questions are on your mind and how they may affect you personally.

Now my friends and me support childrens in orphanages (in some Russian orphanges the situation is not good at all) and I am going to adopt, and many my friends have adopted, but their children are very young now, and we regularly have very hot discussion about "say or not?";"how to say?"; "Must we say terrible things?". I think adult adobtees could answer these questions much better than anyone else. But between us just one adult adobtee. So, that is why I am here.

Azura, thank you very much for your answers. All answers I will translate for my friends. As for me I completely agree with you, but many people in our Russian forum think different(for example- they insist on keep secret), and I can't say something against because it's just my theoretical thoughts, but if I bring your answers, it will work I think.

Originally Posted by Azura

I think that if that is the truth, than telling a white lie is ok. [/color]

Unfortunately it is true, they are bioparents to a very bright, kind boy.

[mom2justynsarah]

Now I have questions to adult adoptees, but if adparents agree to share their experience, I would be very thankful too. These questions are regularly discussed in our Russian forum, but there are only a few aduld adoptees (because adoption wasnot very popular in Russia years ago, and besides many parents kept secret). That's why I am here and ask you.

1) How do you think adparents should keep secret about adoption or no? Why?

I am an adoptive mom. There is NOTHING moral or ethical about keeping a child's adoption secret. The only thing that could come out of it would be pain, betrayal & anger. It's secrets like this that destroy families.


2)If NO. When should adparets tell the child about it? (-is it better to grow up with this knowledge? or at 6-7, or at 20? When?

My daughter was brought into our lives through domestic infant open adoption. She is now 18 months old. We speak to her all the time about her birthmom and siblings.

She doesn't understand what we are saying right now. But by the time she does, it will be just an integrated, integral part of who she is. There is nothing to be ashamed about regarding her adoption. This is her reality.

3)How should parents say? (- you was born by strange woman and then your reall found you;-your mam was good but unhappy( or ill) and could not keep you...) Please write the way you would like to hear it?

We will tell our daughter that she has a birthmom, birthdad, & three older full blooded siblings. When her birthmom was pregnant with her, they were homeless.

Although she was very much wanted, they had no way to provide for her. They wanted her to grow up with a family who could give her a wonderful life. They chose us because they knew we wanted to be your mommy & daddy...

** The above is not set in stone. But it's a rough estimate of what we will say.***

[abcg1977]

First of all hello.

I always believe in 100% honesty with your child. Always tell the truth and do not hide even the ugly facts. They are what they are. I think most of what a child believes is in how you tell them. You do not have to interject all that much emotion. You know like for example, " Your mother was 18 and could not support you so she relinquished you. We went through these procedures to adopt you and this is all what we know". I think a child should always be assured in the end they are very loved in the family they are being raised in. And, I do not believe the statement's like " You mother must have ect. ect." or things that elude to what she may have thought or felt should ever be used. Unless you have her words do not use them. Be 100% honest and say you do not know. I think saying those "must have" stements leads to the fantasy ideas of b-parents so many kids have. Root them in the truth. If you do not know well, then you just do not.

About what age. Well, I was told at a very young age. The case worker told my parents I would adjust better. I do not agree though now looking back. I was always so aware I had this other family out there living a life without me. I did not like that, although at the time I didn't realize that was what I was feeling. I can only say that now as an adult. I think at about 5-8 depending on the child's maturity is best but, I do not think it should be mentioned daily or weekly. At some point I only think it should be addressed when the child asks or there is a specific reason... Otherwise you are just reinforcing that they come from different circumstances and mostly we adoptee's (My opinion) just want to live as normally as possible. I am not saying we are not normal people but, our circumstances are unique. Not focusing on them I think minimizes the problems involved in the issue. Privacy is paramount too. I think it is unfair to tell a child's story to every Tom **** and Harry before they themselves know...Maybe that child would not want everyone tyo know thier situation. Not that they are ashamed but, rather they may not wish for people to know all thier personal details. My A-mom was and is very open about my adoption and I do not really care for that. I am in reunion and ok with both my a-mom and b-mom but, I do not need the whole world or even all my friends and family to know all my information. Children should be just as respected as adults. I also believe that kids should be given all there b-information at adulthood. Then it lies in thier hands if anything is ever persured. Domestic or International. It is afterall THIER information, no one else's.

Just my thoughts... Ang~

[Alesya]

Really thanks for your replies, for sharing your thoughts, experience and feelings. Your answers are really imporant for me. Such info is very helpful.

[Toolate]

Hi Alesya,

I am a firm believer in knowing the truth, no matter how unsettling it may be, but disclosing a birth parent's character or personality to a child could come later when they are old enough to understand or old enough to decide for themselves just how much they want to know. I do believe a child should know they were adopted as soon as they are old enough to understand what it means. I knew before I was in first grade and I'm thankful for that. I don't think that should ever be kept a secret because the child has the right to know. Besides, if the adoption was kept a secret, and the child learned the truth at a later date, the trust in the relationship with the aparents could be damaged beyond repair. The resulting emotional damage could be quite traumatic too. The fact about adoption can be discussed with the child in an objective fashion; for example, "your birth parents were unable to care for you." Knowing about adoption may even be beneficial with medical information at some point in the future. I personally would prefer to know every detail, good and bad, about my birth parents, but that's a personal preference and the child can decide that at an appropriate age.

Originally Posted by Alesya

Hello everyone!
I am a newcomer, so please forgive if these questions were already discussed.And I would be really thankful if you give me links to similar topics.

I am Russian and live in Russia. And as it's well known there are a lot of orphans here . Now, fortunately , more and more people adopt children, special articles appear in newspapers, special programms on TV, and I am really hope that the situation with orphans will be changed some day.

Now I have questions to adult adoptees, but if adparents agree to share their experience, I would be very thankful too. These questions are regularly discussed in our Russian forum, but there are only a few aduld adoptees (because adoption wasnot very popular in Russia years ago, and besides many parents kept secret). That's why I am here and ask you.

1) How do you think adparents should keep secret about adoption or no? Why?

2)If NO. When should adparets tell the child about it? (-is it better to grow up with this knowledge? or at 6-7, or at 20? When?

3)How should parents say? (- you was born by strange woman and then your reall found you;-your mam was good but unhappy( or ill) and could not keep you...) Please write the way you would like to hear it?

4) Do you prefer to know all true about your bioparents, even really bad or not? For example, should adparents tell their adchild that his bioparents are in prison for serial murders?

Thank you.
Sorry for my English.

[Alesya]

Toolate, thank you very much! It's really inportant for me to hear your opinion. I am here to collect opinions. Thank you.

[patti Daniels]

[I have answered the questions below and have posted the answers in a different color.

QUOTE=Alesya]Hello everyone!
I am a newcomer, so please forgive if these questions were already discussed.And I would be really thankful if you give me links to similar topics.

I am Russian and live in Russia. And as it's well known there are a lot of orphans here . Now, fortunately , more and more people adopt children, special articles appear in newspapers, special programms on TV, and I am really hope that the situation with orphans will be changed some day.

Now I have questions to adult adoptees, but if adparents agree to share their experience, I would be very thankful too. These questions are regularly discussed in our Russian forum, but there are only a few aduld adoptees (because adoption wasnot very popular in Russia years ago, and besides many parents kept secret). That's why I am here and ask you.

1) How do you think adparents should keep secret about adoption or no? Why? I do not think the adoption should be kept secret. The reason is because the child has a right to know about their heritage. The medical issues are an important reason to be honest about the adoption.

2)If NO. When should adparets tell the child about it? (-is it better to grow up with this knowledge? or at 6-7, or at 20? When? I think the parents should tell the child when the child is old enough to understand, maybe 6-7.

3)How should parents say? (- you was born by strange woman and then your reall found you;-your mam was good but unhappy( or ill) and could not keep you...) Please write the way you would like to hear it? I explained to my daughter that her bmom loved her very much, but she was in college and did not think that she could care for her. I explained that she could have chosen abortion but she gave her life and that was the greatest gift a mother could give to a child.

4) Do you prefer to know all true about your bioparents, even really bad or not? For example, should adparents tell their adchild that his bioparents are in prison for serial murders? My daughter wanted to know the truth and this was the truth. I do not think a child should be told that the parent is in prison or has murdered.

Thank you.
Sorry for my English.[/quote]

[scarlet52698]

Aleysa,

I am an adult adoptee and also a birthmother. I'll try to give you my take on things

I was always told I was adopted, around age 7 my amother told me the 'story" about my bparents, I later found out that what she told me was untrue and that was very difficult for me to find out.

I reunted with my bfamily when I was 28. There was vital medical information that i needed to have and had my parents kept my adoption a secret, i would not have found out this information and it could have cost me my life.

I wouldn't tell a child the gory details, but I would give them the information over time and in stages as they grew. Keep the information age appropriate. This adoptee wanted to know all the details whether they were good or not.

There is a saying over here "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep". Living in fear of the child one day "discovering" they are adopted, or maybe a medical issue comes up and you have to say something, living in that fear can weigh down your spirit and ultimately the child will pick up on it.

Good luck on your adoption journey

[Alesya]

Patti Daniels and Scarlet! Thank you very much for answers. Your thoughts are very importan for me and my friends.
Good luck!

[LeiLei]

I think that adoptees should know...no ssecrets it will back-fire I have seen it happen.
The moment the kid asks where do babies come from to me that is when you know enough to be respected with the truth. I was 4-5 when I foud out, maturiy levels are different and I think that is how it should be gaged.