[mom2justynsarah]

A friend of mine (who is an adoptee) was recently trying to convince me not to tell my daughter she was adopted (yeah, right like I would ever do that in a million years). Plus we are in contact with her bmom. She said that if she ever met her bmom, her life would be messed up.

A few years ago, she met her bmom, she wished that she NEVER did. She would have preferred not to know she was even adopted.

Her bmom is a schizophrenic. She has been in and out of mental hospitals for many years. She takes her medication every once in awhile. She doesn't even recognize her bdaughter.

She also has an older birth sister. This sister actually grew up with the bmom. Her sister pressures her to help take care of their mother. She gives her a guilt trip. Isn't this wrong???!!

Sadly, my friend's aparents are both deceased. So it's not like she could even have their support. What do you think she should do?

PS: I want to stress that my daughter WILL grow up knowing her bmom. I think it's a horrible thing NOT to tell your child he/she was adopted. Agree?

[katlyn]

I'm not an adoptee, but a bmom in hopes of reunion. First let me just say that I think it's wonderful of you to want your daughter to know she's adopted and that you have kept in contact with the bmom.

She said that if she ever met her bmom, her life would be messed up.

I'm sorry that your friend feels this way, I would hope that not all adoptees in reunion feel that way. She definitely has reasons obviously to feel the way she does. It is also lucky for her that she has you as a friend. I don't feel it's right for her bsibling to expect her to take care of her bmom, that is asking too much I think. I think your friend should just stand up to her bsister and tell her that she does not feel it is her "duty" to take care of her bmom. I don't want to sound cold, especially since I myself am a bmom, but she had a mom and a dad and they are both gone, she shouldn't feel like she is in debted to her bmom. I cannot think of a nice way to say it, but I hope you understand. Give your friend a big hug and just be there for her the best you can, that's about all a good friend can do.

I think it's a horrible thing NOT to tell your child he/she was adopted. Agree?

Being a bmom, I definitely agree, but I might be a bit biased. I look at it this way, what about those adoptees who find out after their parents are gone, then there is no one to answer any questions they might have, they are left with an empty hole and nothing to fill it. If you tell them from the start, or whenever you decide to, then they can ask questions then and you can give them some of the answers or all depending on what they want to know. I hope this helps.
I wish you both the best!
Michelle

[WLD]

I can totally understand why your friend feels that way. Unfortunately, all reunions are not the greatest thing to happen to all adoptees. But I agree with you that the adoptee should know. As long as the adoptee knows, then they can make the decision for themselves. They shouldn't let aparents, bparents or bsiblings guilt them into anything. I guess that's why i think it's better to wait to search until the adoptee is older and more mature to handle a situation like this in case that's what they find when they search. This type of situation is going to be hard regardless of age but i can't imagine a teenager or younger finding this type of situation and getting sucked into it. If it was my friend, i would let her know that its not her responsibility to take care of her bmoms (or bsisters) problems. Too bad she doesn't have her aparents alive for the love and support she needs right now.

[irisheyes33]

I just have to second the "honesty is the best policy" mantra. I searched for 17 years, knowing all along that I might not find a pretty picture and tried to prepare myself as best as I could for any ugly possiblity. I was very lucky to build a beautiful relationship with my bmom, bgrandma, and baunt, and the drama is really on the minimum. However, I did learn that I was a product of date rape, and that was not easy to hear, especially considering that I was raped when I was younger and carry many wounds from that. However, would I rather know the truth? You bet.

I am sorry your friend is in the awful predicament she is. I hope she is able to stand her ground and knows she is not obligated to do anything she doesn't want to. Her bsister is probably overwhelmed by the situation and is anxious for someone to help carry the load. However, guilt tripping is not the way to go! I do hope things iron themselves out after a while...how long has this situation been going on?

[whitsunday15]

I am an adoptee myself, and also believe that you should definitely tell your daughter she is adopted. It is every one's right to have their own answers, and be able to make their own decisions.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this. And like everyone else said, she can't let anyone guilt trip her into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

[abcg1977]

We all know every adoption is unique as is every adoptee... If you pay any attention to those of us who are adult adoptee's you will be more than certain most of us want the 100% truth. I have never met 1 adoptee who said "Oh I wish my parents sheltered me even from myself".

I think you really know the answer to your friends proposal of with holding the truth from your little girl... If you need to ask though,Which you seem to have, I'd say stay on th honesty track. JMHO but, you child needs that from you.

[BrandyHagz]

I absolutely REFUSE to allow any of the members of this site to be disrespected! If you can’t use respectful language while participating here, I ask you now to find some place else to participate.

All sides of the triad read every section of these forums - and using disrespectful and degrading terms to talk about one side of the triad is not tolerated!

I have deleted the initial offending post and all responses to it - if you’d like to re-respond without addressing the offending post, please feel free to do so.

Birth parents are NOT donors
Adoptive parents are not abductors or baby thieves

Period.

[abcg1977]

Thank you Brandyhagz...

[sfry]

I placed a baby boy for adoption, closed adoption 24 1/2 years ago and he looked me up when he was 20-4 years ago--I just went to western Colorado for his wedding with my 2 youngest children-13 and 17-it was beautiful....I also work through a county social service agency with mentally ill adults. Many of my clients are schizophrenics and I can tell you they do not love their children any less than a "normal" parent. Some parent their children, some have their children "removed" by social services and some place their children for adoption. They are human and love their children as much as anyone else but the hand they were delt does not allow for very good parenting stories....It is not easy to watch any of the three options...just know the devestation mental illness is responsible for her condition and there are services that can assist her...Goodluck and my prayers are with you and your Mother.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by sfry

I placed a baby boy for adoption, closed adoption 24 1/2 years ago and he looked me up when he was 20-4 years ago--I just went to western Colorado for his wedding with my 2 youngest children-13 and 17-it was beautiful....I also work through a county social service agency with mentally ill adults. Many of my clients are schizophrenics and I can tell you they do not love their children any less than a "normal" parent. Some parent their children, some have their children "removed" by social services and some place their children for adoption. They are human and love their children as much as anyone else but the hand they were delt does not allow for very good parenting stories....It is not easy to watch any of the three options...just know the devestation mental illness is responsible for her condition and there are services that can assist her...Goodluck and my prayers are with you and your Mother.

Her mom doesn't take her medication. She doesn't recognize or at least acknowledge my friend.

[RiverGal]

I can relate to your friend's story. When my biological father walked out on my mother, I was 6 months old. For nearly 50 years, I thought he was dead (as did my mother). Finally, we found he was alive and thriving just 4 hours away from us. I met him in 2000.

Just a few months into the relationship I got a call from my half-sis...who was raised by him as a spoiled, doted upon ONLY child. She wanted me to split the cost with her to buy him a small home in a retirement village...and she was very insistent.

When I refused, she was offended. We are no longer in contact.

It is so wrong to expect us to rush in and take over with finances, personal care, etc for a relative stranger. Should one choose to assist, that is another story. But being shamed and guilted into feeling responsible for their care is just bogus, IMO.

And kudos to you for being honest in the adoption talk with your child!

~Deb

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by RiverGal

I can relate to your friend's story. When my biological father walked out on my mother, I was 6 months old. For nearly 50 years, I thought he was dead (as did my mother). Finally, we found he was alive and thriving just 4 hours away from us. I met him in 2000.

Just a few months into the relationship I got a call from my half-sis...who was raised by him as a spoiled, doted upon ONLY child. She wanted me to split the cost with her to buy him a small home in a retirement village...and she was very insistent.

When I refused, she was offended. We are no longer in contact.

It is so wrong to expect us to rush in and take over with finances, personal care, etc for a relative stranger. Should one choose to assist, that is another story. But being shamed and guilted into feeling responsible for their care is just bogus, IMO.

And kudos to you for being honest in the adoption talk with your child!

~Deb

Wow! Your half-sis has an unbelieable amount of NERVE! What in the world does have to be offended about?? I am sorry that you had this experience. It's just so insensitve & nervy.

[RiverGal]

What in the world does have to be offended about??

I haven't got a clue.

When we met for the first time, I could see that she and I were from different worlds. She is the consummate princess, always out to impress and be impressed. I am the retro hippie...never found it necessary to conform just to be accepted.

She went gung-ho on the whole "sister" concept. I would have liked a little time (at least a day or two...LOL) to get to know her. SHe never gave me that chance.

My half sis is her big house, her fancy car, her wardrobe. She is like, "I'll show you all my toys and then you will know who I am."

Nice things...but emotionally shallow.

I'm no pauper, but neither do I guage my self-worth on material items.

Too bad. We could have had a friendship.

Tell your friend to be true to herself first...then see where the path leads.

~Deb

[Azura]

I've known my entire life that I was adopted. My mom used it as a bedtime story. lol. She told me that it made me special. But of course, when i told people they were cruel (as kids, and some adults, can be) and I came home from school crying some days. Mom told Lynda that we would start looking for her after I had graduated high school. When I was 19, Mom and Dad told me that Dad had received an email from Lynda on his work email. I was nervous but excited at the same time. For the first few months we talked to each other through my parents. Then Mom sent her a photo album of me growing up. Obviously, my parents didn't mind the contact and weren't against our relationship. After a while, we started emailing each other one on one. Over the next 2 years we graduated to MSN Messenger, webcams, telephone conversations, and I got to talk to my full biological sister (23), my 2 half sisters (18, 16) and 1 half brother (4). A couple weeks ago I was talking to Liz (16) on messenger and she said some hurtful things to me. Said that Lynda was mad bc i couldn't call her Mom, I was lucky that she didn't have an abortion, I should be grateful for what she gave me etc. I was in tears after that conversation and we have not spoken since. When it came up in an email with Lynda, she said that she was there with Liz the whole conversation. She said "It's just her age". Everytime that I mention it, she changes the subject.
It was then that I wished that I had nothing to do with Lynda or her family. They were causing me nothing but heartache and pain. I don't plan on talking to anyone from her family and just concentrating on strictly Lynda. I'm almost about to give up on our relationship.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Azura

I've known my entire life that I was adopted. My mom used it as a bedtime story. lol. She told me that it made me special. But of course, when i told people they were cruel (as kids, and some adults, can be) and I came home from school crying some days. Mom told Lynda that we would start looking for her after I had graduated high school. When I was 19, Mom and Dad told me that Dad had received an email from Lynda on his work email. I was nervous but excited at the same time. For the first few months we talked to each other through my parents. Then Mom sent her a photo album of me growing up. Obviously, my parents didn't mind the contact and weren't against our relationship. After a while, we started emailing each other one on one. Over the next 2 years we graduated to MSN Messenger, webcams, telephone conversations, and I got to talk to my full biological sister (23), my 2 half sisters (18, 16) and 1 half brother (4). A couple weeks ago I was talking to Liz (16) on messenger and she said some hurtful things to me. Said that Lynda was mad bc i couldn't call her Mom, I was lucky that she didn't have an abortion, I should be grateful for what she gave me etc. I was in tears after that conversation and we have not spoken since. When it came up in an email with Lynda, she said that she was there with Liz the whole conversation. She said "It's just her age". Everytime that I mention it, she changes the subject.
It was then that I wished that I had nothing to do with Lynda or her family. They were causing me nothing but heartache and pain. I don't plan on talking to anyone from her family and just concentrating on strictly Lynda. I'm almost about to give up on our relationship.

Oh no! I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Shame on your bmom & Liz. I am sorry, but that has nothing to do with age. It has to do with being insensitive, thoughtless and cruel.

Since Lynda just wants to change the subject, what about emailing her or sending a letter? Let her know the truth. Tell her she/they are hurting you. Are you sure you could just concentrate on Lynda (without her other children being part of it)?

My suggestion is talk to your parents about this. What do they suggest? After all, you do have support from them. You already have a mom who loves you.

Heck, my daughter's bmom & siblings (she has 3 older full blooded siblings) better not ever say hurtful things to her. You'll see how far this mama bear could jump.