[Azura]

Mom knows about it. She said that maybe Lynda has been telling her kids things but not telling me. She asked if I wanted to start fading our relationship into the past. I flat out told Lynda one day that I cried myself to sleep that night. She just brushed it off and said it was Liz's age. She even had the nerve to say "I'm sure that you went through a rebelious stage at her age". Uh, no. The most rebellious thing that I ever did as a teenager was date someone my parents didn't like, just to spite them. I would have never said anything so hurtful to someone my mother was close to, especially the child she had to give up. Nor would I have said "She could have gotten an abortion". In all reality, I learned from Mom that Lynda was going to, but I was bigger than the doctors thought and it was too expensive for her to do that. Why would she even tell her kids that she thought about that? I'm just not sure what to do.

[Lilacsandroses]

I have to say...e-mailing someone and expecting them to get out of the message EXACTLY what you intended is basically a "crapshoot". The 16yr old may not have meant what she said to be in a hurtful tone in ANY way, shape, or form. (And she is 16, my 16yr old can be cruel without ever meaning to, she just doesn't think about HOW things come out of her mouth sometimes) I completely understand what happened with you as I completely ticked off my 24yr old bdaughter a few weeks ago because she read something differently than I intended.

You're best bet would be to first take a deep breath, and then write back to the 16yr old and repeat back to her, the best and clearest you can, what YOU understood that she said, AND how that made you feel. (Don't make it in all CAPS which means you're screaming to a 16yr old online). Whether your bmom is right there next to her through the whole conversation or not, this will be enlightening for both of you.

Good Luck

[Azura]

I thought about that, whether she meant what she said or not. I saved the convo and will copy and paste some exerpts, this is when we were talking about my not calling Lynda 'mom':
Elizabeth Rose says:
i call my friends parents mom, in front of my mom, and it really doesn't bug her. i think that carol is being selfish because she cant keep you to her, she HAS to share you with my mother, because my mother is your mother and you need to acknolage that

Jaci says:
if my mom was being selfish she wouldn't have told me about lynda in the first place, let alone tell me that lynda found me. she could have kept that a secret my entire life, but she didn't. she never lied to me or held anything back, she's far from being selfish

Elizabeth Rose says:
your mom...she's a nice lady, but listen...my mom, Lynda..is your mom too, and it'd be nice if you would acknolage it becuase she's the one who went throught the pain of having you STUCK inside of her...and she didn't even get to hold you...immagine how much emotional and physical pain she went through to give you a better life...and all you're doing is for her...anywhere near equil? i think not

Jaci says:
you can't judge my mom when you don't know her. besides i do acknowledge that lynda is my biological mother. lynda raised you, she didn't raise me, and i can't go throwing around the name Mom like you can. it's got a special meaning

Elizabeth Rose says:
reguardless. if i was in your position, i'd still call her mom

Jaci says:
but you're not in my position, you don't know how i feel, what i'm going through so please stop acting like you do or know what you would do if you were me bc you're not

Elizabeth Rose says:
you know that she was FORCED to give you up and you saying that isn't fair...because nobody decided to give you up...she could have gotten abortion would you have liked that better?

that is just a portion of an hour long conversation. after that, i stopped talking to her and won't talk to anyone from that family unless it's lynda. i cried myself to sleep that night fearing that it was true. i want to know, if lynda were standing behind her or even knew that this conversation was happening, why didn't she say anything? why did she let liz say those things to me? does she want this relationship to end?

[RiverGal]

Azura ~ I read your post in sheer horror! Regardless of how young Elizabeth Rose is, that is NO EXCUSE for talking to you in the manner she did. You should never have been put into that position.

I very much respect (and agree) with the fact that you are not comfortable calling you bmom "Mom." That should be a choice you make. For Elizabeth Rose to try and guilt you into feeling obligated is just wrong.

I also feel like your bmother is rather cavalier about the entire scenario. I am a bmother and if one of my parented children put my bdaughter in that position, I would be livid. And once again, age might be an excuse, but it sure as heck is not a reason.

I'm so sorry that you have been put through the wringer like you have. It was undeserved. Obviously Elizabeth Rose is confused on what adoption really entails. Your parents (adoptive) are your parents. Plain and simple. They are the people who raised and nurtured you, who loved you without condition. They were not babysitters who just filled in until you turned 18. How sad that you were put in a position to have to explain your love for them.

I wish I had some magical words to help, but I don't. Sorry for the mini-vent, but that just sets my butt on fire to read how you were treated. It is so unfair.

Vent away! We hear you!

(((HUGS)))

~Deb

[Azura]

thank you. and i agree, when i told mom, we summarized that she was voicing what lynda had voiced to her and not me. then i found out that lynda was there the entire time and i was shocked. i don't understand why she let her daughter talk to me like that. she's 16 and she may be rebellious but that didn't give her the right to hurt me like that. just bc she's a teenager doesn't mean that she doesn't know what she's doing when she's saying hurtful things like that. when i was her age, i knew what i was saying, what it meant, and who i was saying it to. what do you think i should do? i could just pretend that it didn't happen and continue talking to lynda or, since she doesn't have a real reason for Liz's actions, just slowly back away from her and her family. currently, i'm not talking to anyone but lynda.

[Mandy's Mom]

I honestly don't feel reuniting is for everyone. I think this has to be what both parties want. And I don't think it's wrong for someone not to want to be reunited. They may have found their own closer long ago and that is OK.

I reunited with my birhmother about 4 years ago. It was short lived - only about 6 months. However, I do not regret for a moment reuniting with her. That 6 months had good things, but more bad. But it gave me the closer that I so desperately needed. It answered all my questions. And even though some of those answers were not the ones I may have desired, I was able to close that chapter (more like book) of my life.

And I have since become close to someone who is a birthmother and about the same age as my birthmother. She reunited with her son years ago and they have a wonderful relationship. I have found a personal healing knowing her and seeing this.

It's a long journey and every adoptee's is different. I don't think one is right and another wrong. We just have to follow our hearts.

[Azura]

maybe lynda and i are just one of those couples who aren't meant to meet. that's disappointing. but maybe you're right. so do you still talk to your birthmother or have you dropped contact completely? i'd like to keep trying for a reunion, but after that episode with her daughter, i'm scared to meet her and her family. especially after i found out that lynda was right behind liz during that conversation. when she gave me that lame excuse "it's her age" (she's 16) it makes me want to stop contact at all. i honestly think that she's looking for another daughter, wanting me to jump when she says jump, but i'm more like her than she realizes, i have her stubborness. i'm a very grown up, independent woman, not the 2-day old baby she gave up. i don't need another mother, i have a great one. i wanted us to become best friends, she just doesn't see it that way, i don't think that she's used to anyone fighting with her and telling her "no, i don't think so, i don't want to do it your way". which is ironic because that's how she is.

so, should i just give up on this relationship? if she wants to talk to me, she knows how to get a hold of me. should i just leave it at that?

[susiesgirl]

how insensive of your bsis. How rude to ask for something like that. Thats just my 2 cents.

[katlyn]

Azura,
I'm sorry your half sister was so rude and hurtful, and if your bmom was right behind her, you have every right to be upset. I myself am a bmom and I am hoping to one day have a relationship with my daughter like the relationship that you hoped to have with your bmom. My daughter has a mother and a father, when and if we reunite one day, I am aware of this fact. You are correct in saying that when you call someone mother it should mean something special, stay true to your own feelings hun. I have another daughter and two sons, all of whom are my bdaughters half siblings. I would never let my children speak to her like that, your mother shouldn't have allowed it either. Age has nothing to do with it, I think you are right, just from reading what you cut and pasted of the conversation. I think she meant every word she said, but maybe she has anger issues that she needs to have addressed. My prayers are with you and I hope that things get sorted out, if you do decide to meet your bmom in person keep us posted and don't forget we're here to support you.

[Azura]

i don't know if i've said this in this forum or if it was in my other forum "so confused" but i think that lynda's looking for the 2-day old daughter she gave up. i'm a 22 year old college student who's going to graduate in december 2007. i asked her in an email what she wanted us to become, but she never responded. i've mentioned to her that i wanted a best friend. i think she's looking for another daughter. I didn't say this but i'm not looking for another mom, i've got a great one. but she didn't respond to that. I'm not sure how to explain this to lynda without hurting her. unlike her 16 year old daughter, i know if what i'm saying is hurting someone.
what kind of relationship do you, adoptees, want with your bparent(s) and visa versa?

[rainrain63]

bmom here.......


Hi,

I am in reunion with my bdaughter since Aug 2005.

Things go well.

What are we (bparent/adoptee) looking for? Well in our case, in the beginning, K (bdaughter) said she was looking for a best friend.

I told her (to get a idea of our story, pls. check out my thread) at that point that I was not sure I could be a "best friend" as I was a mother to her for almost 4 months before placement and that I always felt as her mother.

She understood that and we put that particular issue in the "holding pattern" to revisit later.

In revisiting later, it has come about that she and I are mother/daughter. Once I got over the greif and sadness of not having my baby anymore and saw her as the adult she is, our relationship as come to one of mother/daughter but mother/daughter who both have experienced a long absence and have to get to reknow each other.

I am not sure, personally speaking, that is possible for bmom/bparents and adoptee to be best friends. I think there is more linkage (if the relationship continues and moves forward) to be just "best friends".

I think as the relationship between adoptee and bmom/bfather moves forward, and the grief and loss issues for the adoptee and bfamily are dealty with in a postive manner and acknowledge and brought into the open, then the relationship moves into something that cannont quite be defined - as a birthmom, I am now a mother, not just bithmom, but a mother in adoption. Which comes with its own challenges. I know fully and believe strongly that realationships in adoption can bypass barriers provided both parties seek something of the simlar - if not, there will be the struggle for definitaion as posted on this board, however, if all parties move on, in time, there is a merging and the family ties are there. Look, when reuniting, we are meeting virtual strangers, we are fighting stigmas of adoption that are often true ie: pushing,pulling, anger grief, loss, jealousy, loyalty and if we can haul past that stuff, I know that a relationship of much love, respect and closeness can develop with our new found family members. But the "uglies" of adoption as I call them, must be dealt with maturely and gracefully. If any adoptees/bfamilies posting/reading here are looking for success, I suggest going slow, respecting, understanding yourself and attempitng to put the shoe on the other foot. but really, go slow. All relationships, even those outside adoption, take time. Lots of time. Take a look at non adoptive families around you - an aunt and neice become close, but it takes time, 2 cousins become close, that takes time. Familial love grows with time.

S.

[abcg1977]

So today marks 2 yrs. ago I found b-mom...

Going slow I agree helps you take your relationship to a better place. We all go through such emotions and we go through them at different times and places... We must always respect where the other person is at the time too. None of this is one sided.

But, what are we... just depends on what day it is...Sometimes we are friends sometimes we are mother and daughter... I suppose the goal is mother/child but, when it is just friends...Well, I accept where things are at that moment in time...

G'Night

[Azura]

i think that that is part of lynda's problem. she doesn't see me as a 22-year old. she's looking for the 2-day old daughter she gave up. i'm not sure that i can have a relationship with her if she doesn't start accepting the fact that i'm not the baby she gave up. i understand that we bonded for 9 months, but bc of her i have a wonderful life and family! what if she never accepts the fact that i'm an adult? we're both expecting different things. our reunion is so out of whack i dunno if there's any fixing it until she figures her life out and if we can agree what place i have in her family. how can i talk to her about these things without hurting her?

[LLAPHoping]

I am a 41 year old adoptee, my parents passed away when I was in my twenties. I didn't get told, growing up. I DEFINITElY think that it is terrible not to tell your child they're adopted. I have wounds from not being to until later in life, that are still hard to heal and deal with.
Sincerely, LLAPHoping

[Birth4Mom3]

I am a birthmother, married to an adoptee and birthfather.

From looking at my husbands perspective, I think he HAD to find her in spite of it being a very difficult and emotionally trying reunion.

My husband told he of his yearning to find his birthmother on the very first night we met. We talked for hours of it. One of the things he said was that if he did nothing else with his life, he had to find her before he died.

The story as he understood it was that at 16 she had become pregnant and the boyfriend walked away leaving her in a desparate position where she had no choice but adoption. He had always envisioned her the martyred saint and the birthfather as a irresponsible and heartless letch who had forced her to lose her baby.

Well, we found her. A week before I located her, she had been forcibly committed to a psychiatric ward because of years and years of alcohol and drug abuse that had culminated in (another) near death episode. Her mother told me that the birthmother had also been adopted because her mother had died when she was an infant and her father sent her to an orphanage afterward, while keeping her three brothers to raise. She herself had had a poor reunion with her birthfather and had been very unstable and 'wild' since she was a youth. Her parents had told her when she got pregnant to either give up the baby or get out - not because they didn't love her, but because she was a reckless young girl who would not be able to be responsible in the upbringing of a child.

This news was, to him, stunning. She wasn't the fairy-tale princess he had always dreamed of her being, out there just waiting for the trumpets to sound and the angels to sing when they finally found each other. She had a rough, rough life in many ways. She has other children who are also not turning out well because of the life they lived being raised by her and adult children who have broken all ties with her because of the life they lived with her.

Eventually they touched base and started trying to get to know each other. The more they talked, the less impressed he was by her and he went through a period of real anger towards her for what she was.

After they got past that, he turned his anger toward her father who forced her to give him for adoption, and toward his birthfather who abandoned her.

Making things worse, his sister (also adopted) found her birthmother also and the woman IS a saint! She's a missionary living in Thailand with her husband and young daughter. They've spent many a family cookout with us when in the States and have a great relationship with the adoptive parents. My husband wishes desparately that in his words, "I had a birthmother that I could have around my family without embarassment and without wondering if she was going to steal the silver!" He's very embarassed of her - and sometimes reflects what she is upon himself in judging his own worth and value as a person.

Over the years it's been very off and on. Sometimes they talk a few nights a week for hours, and then sometimes they'll go months. During one of those long phone calls he asked her the story about his birthfather and for his name.

He asked me to find his birthfather and I did, and he made contact with him. The birthfather was SHOCKED to say the least. He had known he had been 'accused' of being the father, but apparently the birthmothers version of things - that he was the only one - wasn't so true, and she had quite a reputation around town at the time. It seems they weren't even boyfriend-girlfriend at all, but that it was a heavy petting session at a party that resulted in the pregnancy... so it wasn't that he walked away - it was that all these years he never truly knew it WAS him.

So, hubby was angry for a while about that, and then called his birthfather back and birthfather over that time of silence has seemed to have processed the information and acknowledged him as his birth child. (pictures of the two of them are astounding - there's no doubt). With that acknowledgement, my husband instantly forgave his birthfather, but now he carries more anger towards his birthmother.

He hasn't talked to his birthmother in a long, long time that I know of - he can't always talk about it right away. Last time he talked to his birthfather, they exchanged contact information and left it at "maybe someday" they would both be ready, and that they were both open to a relationsip when the time came.

I explain all this to say - it was tough. REAL tough, and still is in many ways. My husband is still processing tons of misconceptions that he has carried over his lifetime and coming to process the new things he has learned since making contact with his birthparents.

In spite of all that though, I remember the 20 year old I met who wanted more than anything in the whole to meet his birthmother. The deep intense yearning inside of him was something that never would have gone away on its own. It has been tremendously painful, but it was something he NEEDED to go through to fill in the gaps and holes that he desparately needed to fill. He needed the answers to all those questions he carried inside of him, even if it wasn't the answers he had hoped for or desired.

He has made a lot of peace now with where he came from and who he is. There are still struggles and still things he's working through, but at least he's not grasping in the wind for that validation now. He's got a starting place to work from to heal old wounds. He is a better man, more complete man today for everything he has gone through.

Kim
Kelsey Jane 6-29-1994