[shef]

Hi everyone.....

I just need some help here.
I have come to hear that anger is just another emotion like any other one. Its neither good or bad. Right or Wrong. So that much I am learning.
I havent seen myself as a person who gets angry. I dont have anger, I dont do anger...I am a stuffer. so I have found out. I have stuffed for years and years about everything...to afraid of this emotion in others when seen and felt...and in side of myself its made me feel bad about me. Now when trying to get help to resolve some of the adoption issues I now face....I am asked by the counsellor...."If that had happeend to me I sure would be angry...are you?"
Who me....no....Im not angry...smiling and shaking my head really beleiving what I am saying....but somewhere deep inside of me....something stirs....and I notice Im gritting my teeth more in the night times.....and ive started to do something to myself i did when i was in my teens......
Am I afraid to look, yes....what will i see, what will I feel.....well its here.....I opened the door an dlooked....and just saying..hello anger....has me this past week overwhelmed by the intensity of angry feelings...about everything. It seems indisciminate...towards everyone...and anything that doesnt seem to have anything to do with my adoption........i dont know waht the source is, becsaue I feel im going tos ink beneath this pile of emotion....and I dont know how to handle it all......ive tried pushing it back behind the door, but it wont go......i feel almost its like undirected/untapped rage...but dont know waht at really...

so...please have others experienced this stuffing and then having to face this part...and canyou share any ways you have found to process it without harming anyone else andmost of all yourself, in that process.....

And if you have been able to release some of...what differenc ehas it made in your life in living inthe present?

thankyou, Shefalie

[Montraviatommyg]

Shefalie, I'm pleased you started this thread as I know you was thinking about doing so, hope you get responses , Pip

[ripples]

Shef,
I so relate to what you posted. Your anger and mine are so very, very real. And it can be so overwhelming, frightening too, especially if you're someone who normally suppresses anger. There are many ways to process it without harming others, yourself, etc; Physical options such as heavy exercise, punching pillows, yelling with the windows of the car closed, writing about it, singing/yelling along with heavy metal music, you will know what you feel comfortable with. I've even been to counselling workshops where they let the attendees yell and scream and pound the floor.

Also, I actually found it quite therapeutic to at least begin telling people whom I trust that I'm feeling angry - angry at society, angry at everyone, angry at God, angry at myself, just plain angry. While it wasn't an actual physical, punch-a-pillow outlet, it was still very powerful in helping me accept my emotions and have others acknowledge/bear witness to my anger as real and valid. A friend of mine who's in the mental health field was very helpful in recognizing the challenge that, unlike someone who'd been run-down by a huge truck, I don't really have something tangible to get angry 'at', someone to shake my fists at.

Good for you for beginning by acknowledging your anger. There're other great postings on this web site forum about anger - I've found them helpful to read too. Feel free to vent here and/or PM me.

[shef]

Ripples,
Thank you for anwering me. Can you direct me to any othr fourms here where they talk about anger. I dont want to be re-inventing the wheel so to speak.

Can I ask you..what benefit you found from going to a workshop about anger and yelling and pounding the floor....I mean what did that do for you, and did it imrove thingsf or you on the insdie and help you come to some reslovement. Or is teh idea just to scream and shout about allthe injustices we feel about things......

when someone has validated your anger...I guess that means they say to you.....yes Ripple you have a right to be angry. Yes ripple I hear that you are angry and hurt etc? is taht it? Forgive me for sounding a bit naieve, but I havent dont this stuff, or been to any workshops, and am only just allowing myself to feel.

I wrote soemthing about anger and will post it at the end of this....
do you think that the first thing is for me to learn to say I am angry. Just taht..to allow myself to have the emotion in me. Its htere but ive been denying it.

do you say you are angry and thenwaht you are angry about, and then does it go away...or is anger somehing you might have to deal with for quite a while before it becomes manageable....do you know what i mean.....doea anyone know what I mean.....

Ive picked up nancy verriers book...primal wound...and glanced through it..as others say she talksa bout this anger....but have to be honest and say....im a bit hesitant to read the book...stupid i know.

shef

[shef]

poem or thoughts:

Anger…..is that you?
Knocking on the door of my mind
And pushing against my senses.
My….how you have grown…..
I have fed you well…..
And have kept you well hidden
Anger……Is that you?
My….how you’ve changed out of all proportion
To when you first started.
I remember you as just a little thing
Just a fleeting thought,
A sliver of a feeling….
You embarrassed me then….
And I didn’t know what to do
You made my body tense
You were uneasy to be around
And others didn’t like me
So I hid you…don’t you remember……?
I buried you Alive………
Anger is that you?
What do you want…..?
You are bothering me…
I can feel your enormous muscles
Squeezing my chest….
And at times I feel you sittion me
As if you would crush my very life and spirit
Go away……Go away…..
Lie down and keep quiet.
My you have grown in strength
I can feel your force wanting to blow through me
You are filling my whole body,
My head bangs….
My nerves are so on edge
And I feel I am going to explode
To be nasty, to strike outward
Instead of inward.
Words form on my tongue
And I am having trouble in keeping them in……
Destructive words….fury at life……
I seem to feel you everywhere……
and directed…
At everyone….
Anger….In a strange way…
You make me feel alive again
Anger……….are you my friend?

shef

[wilted rose]

Hi shef, I can definitely relate. Although with me I suspect my anger, no rage surfaced, disguised. Perhaps not intentionally but rather a coping mechanism good or bad until I was ready to deal. For me as it would be for anyone with their own unique situation, mine was relative to grieving a loss. It came in bits and pieces then like a pressure cooker going to boil over. Trying to keep the lid on 'so to speak' didn't work, one day I finally, I just let it all go... I screamed and I slammed down my fist, sunk to the floor and sobbed. I felt exhaustion like no other and yet relief. It's happened a few other times and when I feel it coming on I just give myself permission, and I always feel better. To answer your question IMHO anger is definitely your friend, it moves you forward, it's active and constructive when dealt with appropriately; much like a phase in the process of healing. It's bitterness that poisons us and keeps us stuck.
Many hugs,
Rose

[janiej]

Ive picked up nancy verriers book...primal wound...and glanced through it..as others say she talksa bout this anger....but have to be honest and say....im a bit hesitant to read the book...stupid i know.

Not stupid Shef. Each of us is individual. We all deal with our anger differently.
You must find what is right for you. May take some "experimenting" with different ways of venting and release.
I still have not found MY personal avenue yet. But am searching for it.
It is hard when we need to let it out, but no one wants to hear it. Very hard.
You are not alone Shef......... many of us have/do experience this anger regarding the whole adoption process. We just need to find the right "how to" book, which I don't think exists.
As for "The Primal Wound", MY opinion only, I read the first few pages, and had to put it down. It is one person's "opinion". Just keep that in mind if you decide to read it. Personally, it was NOT for me.

Good thread Shef.

[shef]

Hey Rose....thanks for your sharing an dinput.

so giving into it and shouting and lettin git out helps you.....can I ask you...has it moved you on any in your self....I mean waht do you think its helped you with....and anger being your friend.....I am just toying with that idea.

someone said to me...acknowledge your anger....dont deny it....then forgive...that helps you move on and able to deal with other things....do you find that too?

I feel that I am all anger when i feeling these things...I cant sepearte things out yet and get in balance...is that what its like for you in your journey? Does your anger make you feel bad about yourself for hainv it and feeling the way you do?

shef

[shef]

hey Jane...nice to see you..

Yes anger is hard to express and to be real and honest. I started this thread becasue i need to explore this issue more with those who can help me by their sharing. You are right there is no one way to do this.....but first of all Im trying to feel ok about haivng anger in the frist place..and not being scared of it.

Jane do you think that is why people go to cousnellors so they can "hear" us when we work through the things......they are trained to help us deal with it. I onnly have been going a short time as you know....and I feel kind of mad at them, cos they suggested I might be angry, and now i am...im all over the place......

shef

[janiej]

Jane do you think that is why people go to cousnellors so they can "hear" us when we work through the things......they are trained to help us deal with it. I onnly have been going a short time as you know....and I feel kind of mad at them, cos they suggested I might be angry, and now i am...im all over the place......

I really don't know Shef. I have never gone to a counselor of any kind. We are "small town", and have one psychiatrist in residence, and I think he is "loonier" than his patients !!

I do wish I had someone to talk to about it. Someone who really understands, ( besides all of you, of course ).

I just know that right now, I am struggling too. Dealing with stuff past and present. And not sure what to do with it.

[shef]

well Jane...I say get it out here.......write it down.....unabridged.....suspend understanding, and rationale.....and write a letter to whoever, and say what you are feeling......as it is.......
that is waht othrs here are telling me to do.....and then if you dont want to post it here, send it privately to us.....so we can help hear and sit with you so you are not alone in it...and Jane...we dont think youre bad if you say it......its ok....
hugs to you....

xxshef

[Montraviatommyg]

Jane,

ROFL...I was in a stinking mood this morning and but has greatly improved during the day due to all the special people on the foums ... your post has been my favourite type of icing on the cake .

My "counselling" amounted to several meetings with a silly cow who was "trained" (seriously smirking here) inthis type of counselling. I had the misfortune of being one of her guinea pigs six weeks on from her training. Don't get me wrong she was a pleasant enough woman but when it came to adoption issues we were definitely on different planets. She was used to passive counselling with ladies in their 60's and quite happy with this. Then she got confronted with an angry 42 yr old as I was at the time who wanted to be able to scream, shout and generally wanted to get issues out of my system. She really didn't know how to deal with me nor how to discuss things.

In the end I gave up and every time she came round I talked about anything except what was bothering me. I even mentioned coming on the forums for support so she thought I had it all "worked out" and didn't need counselling . She openly admitted she got more out of talking to me than the other way round .

If only she heard me go on a major rant this morning which my long suffering dh listened too. He lets me get on with it then said "Ready to talk now?" ... he knows how to handle me when I get like this . I rant then we talk but then again we are both similar as he rants first then talks when he's angry. We've both obviously missed our vocation here .

Pip

[wilted rose]

Hi shef, honestly for me anger has been productive. Maybe initially I didn't feel I had control over until I embraced it. One thing you may consider, often as females we are socialized to be nice girls, and getting a rage on just dosen't seem acceptable. As a result many of us need to give ourselves permission to be angry. You know when I first found my bMother, she was almost eighty and terminally ill. I chose not to question her or make her relive everything as we were removed. I did great until a little while ago when it all came out at everyone but her. At first I felt a little guilty as my bsis referred to my attitude as hard-hearted-hannah, (although without judgement).

I said to her I just needed to get angry you know, she said I know, then my bmother had major surgery shortly there after, and to my surprise I then realized I was over my anger and so concerned about my bmothers' health. I don't know if anger will resurface I expect it will but perhaps prompted by something that could be entirely unrelated but one thing I have learned on this journey called life, there are so many layers to our emotions, but as we work through each one, like anger when it does resurface, we recognize and can recover that much quicker, in that it is a familiar friend.
Rose

[shef]

Rose.

I like what you have shared with me...about a kind of process for you and that you had to learn to embrace it first with in you. to kind of accept that anger was ok?
Now taht is a major task for me. But I think I am beginning to do it. to say yes I am angry.

At first I feel I am ALL anger. Waht I mean is....when i begin to feel it rising...it seems I cant see anything else but through the eyes of anger. I feel my whole self is anger....I dont know if that makes any sense to you or anybody.

then when i try to talk about what I am angry about.....I find Im angry about everything, cos there are so many things Ive stuffed anger down about, so it all comes out...unabridged.....possibly inappropriate and gets over the person Im saying it too, and they drown in it with me...or can do.

Wow...they say....you are angry.....err yes...yes..i though this is waht this was about.

I suppose im trying to describe waht happens for me in order to understand anger.

shef

[wilted rose]

Hey shef, you recognize you're angry, and talk about that fact. That's the 'running start' you know. You are realizing that having the angry feelings acknowledged is another step in the process, and thirdly if you're like me you'll discover next how freeing it can be when you are heard and then validated. I, at one point thought how is this going to get better when I have no one that has been through my experiences? But having people that are close to me, listen to me and
whether they understood or even agreed, it was that they acknowledged how I felt. Guess for me, empathy is a powerful tool, I bet it will be for you too. You'll move through it, at your pace, and when you decide, you'll be done with it!
Rose