[mom2justynsarah]

I am not sure the right word is "forgive." Maybe I feel somehow I am wrong in doing this. But I am about to make a very hard decision.

My daughter was brought into my life through open adoption. I have been by her side since she was 12 hours old (couldn't get there in time for the birth).

My daughter is now 16 months old. I have kept in contact with her bmom up until now. It's been a very rough year for her. We have been waffling back & forth deciding what's best for future contact.

My husband (who is an adoptee) has wanted us to cut contact after the first few months. I refused! I didn't think that was fair. That is not how I thought open adoption was all about.

But contact with Dee (bmom) has had it's ups and downs (more down than up). She has had a very hard time letting go. A VERY hard time. She feel as if she is part of OUR family. I can understand how she feels. Maybe I am too sensitive?

My husband is adamant about the fact that there should be NO MORE contact. His opinion is WE are the ones raising her. He doesn't want her bmom in the picture until she is of legal age. He said it could and or will cause phychological damage.

Then he said I couldn't possibly understand his thinking because I don't know what it's like to be an adoptee. He's right, I don't.

Per his insistance, I am about to send a letter to Dee (along with some recent pictures). This letter basically tells her that we are holding off on future contact until she is of legal age. There is a whole lot more to this letter. So rest assured, it is NOT harsh, cold or cruel.

It's just that by me sending out this letter, we are making a decision for my daughter. A decision to cut contact with her birth family until she is an adult.

I hope she wouldn't resent me for this. I hope this is the right decision. Who knows what's right or wrong anyway? I am her mother. I love her with all my heart & soul. I hope she will forgive me for a decision made when she was just a baby.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

WHAT? You have an open adoption and are just cutting the mom off for no reason??????

That is basically what you just said... right?

[SchmennaLeigh]

I thought that you JUST said that the firstmom "DIDN'T LOSE A DAUGHTER." (Click the link; you said it, not me.)

I am so freaking confused.

So what is it? Is it because you're uncomfortable with her emotion. Losing a child is hard. Is it because she asked for pictures? What IS it?

[ddhuab]

so I am sending you a hug .

While in theory I don't think it is right to have an open agreement and change it after the fact, it really doesn't seem like you have much choice. And you can't go back in time and change the way things were handled. Also, from all of your backstory (what I remember of it) it seems like it might be easier on the birthmother to actually take an official break. Also, the uncertainty of the possibility of a break in contact may be harder for the birthfamily to deal with than finally making the decision, kwim?

Are you going to be able to continue to send photos periodically?

I do wonder if you could convince your husband to leave the door open for contact when daughter is 10 or so... (it doesn't sound like that is a possibility, but I know from what I have read that children start really understanding adoption and questioning it again at around age 8).

I do think it is good that he is an adoptee himself and has that perspective he can share with her. I do think he has your daughter's best interest in mind. This is a really difficult situation.

Edited to add: I know you are looking for feedback from adoptees, but I was anticipating that you are going to get a lot of negative feedback from all parts of the triad here, so I just thought I would send you a little support.
I know you have been hashing out this issue in your family for months.

Good luck,
D.

[healingfeeling]

i don't know your situation but i don't agree with cutting contact. this was done to me at age 2 and i've resented my mother my whole life because of this. i don't really know where your husband is coming from...maybe he is angry...he was in a closed adoption...but your daughter isn't...is he trying to replicate his situation...sometimes as humans we just want to repeat cycles. is this possible?

you have to do what is right for you, but what i'm saying is....is it really right for your daughter...?

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Ok I just read that post and may throw up.

You made a commitment to this woman who LOVES her daughter.... and cant get enough of her. She obviously chose you and chose an open adoption. If she knew you would cut her off for no reason... she wouldnt have chosen you. That I can pretty much guarantee. Total misrepresentation.

I am so sick right now.

[LouiseT]

Hi there-
I don't know your whole situation - I'm sure there is a lot has happened and is happening to bring you and your DH to this decision, since you stated in your post that there is a 'whole lot more to the letter'. Probably too much to get into on this thread.

I will venture a guess that when you chose open adoption for your daughter, your intentions were so that she could benefit from the experience of knowing her birthmother. After all, it's all about what's right and healthy and safe for the child...

If you have decided that having birthmother involved in your daily life causes too much pain for your daughter, then I think you are right to hold off on contact either until your daughter is old enough to decide for herself, or until the situation gets a better.

If you or your DH are making this decision simply because you changed your mind then that's not cool.
You made a promise and you should try to work through it if at all possible. Because someday your daughter will find out that you stopped all contact just caused you felt like it, and that will upset her more.

I, like your husband am an adoptee from the closed era. I knew I could not handle an open or semi-open adoption as an adoptive parent, therefore I chose not to enter into a relationship in which I knew I could not fulfill my promises.
Maybe your DH should have thought that through more before making this commitment...but that is water under the bridge at this point...

Don't know if this helped much
I just think it's important to hold up your end of the deal, UNLESS your daughter's welfare is being compromised.

Best wishes.

[Vogi2002]

Please tell us more why you feel as though you need to cut off contact. Is she being rude to your daughter? I would recomend counseling for not only the birthmom but all members (including, you and dh). Has dh had contact with his birthfamily? Is it positive still or is there negative feelings there? Do you think that he is taking these negative feelings out on this birthmom?

Natalie

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I just read a bunch of your posts and you seem to be gushing about her all the time. Im just not understanding.

[bmomliz16]

Maybe instead of completely cutting her off you could all sit down and go over the limitations and guidelines, which you obviously had not done before or this never would have gotten so out of control, IMO. But to just cut off ALL contact and tell her it's for the best, no I can't comprehend that. You think she hasn't let go, TELL HER, but don't slap her in the face with it. It's adding insult to injury.

PLEASE!! Think about this and sit on it for a little while before you do something you might later regret. PLEASE!

[mom2GRLC]

I agree with your decision!! In some cases it is necessary to cut off contact...as it was in my case.

I knew that decision would not be accepted on this forum so ....I did not post about it until about a month after the fact and am still careful in talking about it...because i know so many others on here do not understand or refuse to believe it is the best thing.

But ONLY YOU can decide what is best for your family. So if this is what you feel is best I support you 100% and you can PM me if you'd like. I know what your going through....and although this is the right choice....it is still very hard.

I am still keeping my p.O. box open for her or her family to write(still not sure wether my child will receive those letters now or wether I will save them until they are older)...but am only sending her pictures and updates once a year instead of the very frequent direct contact we have been doing in the past. Have you considered allowing her to write and saving the letters.....or maybe updating her once a year or whatever? Of course that would be completely up to you as well.....sometimes a clean break is best....but that will have to be your decision!!!

Good luck and write me if you need some support!!!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Oh please. You know what. Your kid's mom abused and/or neglected her kids.

It has no bearing on anything like this. Please do not try to compare this to your situation. Please.

This is crazy.

[Lorraine123]

I feel that you are wrong to cut off contact. If the birth mom did something harmful to your daughter, that would be one thing. But, based on your post, she isn't harming your daughter, she is just having a hard time letting go.

You made a promise to her.

You say your husband wanted to cut off contact after a few months. Too bad. This isn't about him, its about your daughter. How does he think this is causing psychological damage? And what made him change his mind about that in a fews month? So while she was pregnant, he thought contact was great, but now a few months later, its damaging?????

Again, he made a promise and if he couldn't keep it, then he should not have made it.

Until she does something that you would consider harmful to your daughter, you are obligated to continue contact. And having a hard time letting go isn't harmful to your daughter.

[healingfeeling]

i agree with Loraine....

i am the only adoptee posting here and i'm telling you loud and clear that it damaged me big time to have contact cut off.

all of the what ifs, wondering, dreaming, crying, guessing, shame may not have been had i been allowed to know my bfamily.

[wilted rose]

Cutting off contact? Big mistake where I am sitting. It's interesting to me how people feel they can play god with other peoples lives, suddenly I don't feel all that well!
Rose