[Mommy24]

Mary in my first post to you I said that I was glad you had not adopted domestically since you didnt want to deal with the birthparents. I completely agree that NO ONE should do anything if they cant give it all with their hearts, you felt like that domestic wasnt for you and thats great! Absolutely at no time have I judged you for your decision on how to become a mom. I am simply trying to make you understand why "I" think you see so much bitterness and anger from birthparents to adoptive parents, Ihave always said ..... It isnt what you say but how you say it, I enforce that with my husband, my children, my friends, and my family. Compassion and understanding go a long way

You are entitled to your feelings, I only have to answer for ME, The only reason I responded to your post was to try and help you see why birthparents can come off as bitter and angry.

Good luck to you!

[mary594]

point taken Michelle, Thank you

Mary

[Mommy24]

Thank you Mary, It is most important for me not to become bitter and angry, those 2 emotions and feelings get us no where in this journey. It is hard, somedays I feel like i have every right to be those things but I chose to have a voice about it all and hope for the best!

Again Good luck to you!!

[Jessiedo]

posted by Mommy24

I will say it today, tomorrow and until the end of time, I placed my child in his best interest and that is what Adoption is all about THE CHILD.

AMEN!!!

posted by rainrain63

Now, I am leaving this thread as it is serving no great purpose of a healthy exchange of ideas. It goes back to the splitting of the triad. And I am not comfortable with this discussion any longer as it goes nowhere. It is the adoptee I am ethinking about here.

How very true! How very soon we forget about the adoptee. Do we truly always have the adoptee's best interest at heart, or are we blinded by our own needs?

This thread has quickly reinforced my prior belief that it is rare for 2 sets of parents (birth and adoptive) to always have the adoptees best interest at heart. Other emotions take over and the adoptee's feelings are sometimes lost in the "struggle". For that reason, IMO semi-open adoptions are probably for most cases the best for the child. IMO the "jury is still out" on open adoptions and of course the complete secrecy from closed adoptions has created havoc in many lives.

[MADjj RULES]

you really dont want your child to like you when she is older do you??? no problem is so big you should shut the mother out after a verbal (or even written agreement for visitation) perhaps you could arrange for supervised visitations either with you or pehaps an unbiased mediator. granted i dont know what this motherhad done to make your husband so determined to not let her mother have contact, but im sure you can work it out somehow. perhaps i can suggest counseling for the whole family??? even if the mother has no insurance, there are plenty of free mental health clinics in which to get free counseling for any problems that there might be. BUT PLEASE PLEASE dont shut your babys mother out of her life... hey with todays modern technology, you might even be able to set up some sort of video conference via internet, with a web cam. share pictures, happy moments, write letters, but dont lose contact with the mother.... finding my birthmom took me forever cause my aparents decided not to allow visitation, after making a verbal agreement to allow my birthmother contact.

[abcg1977]

Ok I was not going to post on this thread at all BUT I am compelled so deeply to just ask one thing...

Since, we in America have seen the development of adoption and we now see that b-mom's have difficulty walking away all cut and dry. (Like basic psycology could not have told us that?) And, we closed adoption era adoptee's have grown up to say that baically many of us (NOT ALL I recognize) want to know our b-families. Even though we realize we could not be raised in them, it is still very important to us and our feeling whole as people. Ok, since we now give b-mom's some rights or hope for a future of some sort with thier child in America, SO many people go international for adoption. Ok in that senerio, the b-parents are again out of the picture, almost if not completely out of the picture and the adoptees are again completely controlled in the theory that no matter what THEY want, they have no infromation to work with. So that is what leads me to this question... What about the children left here in America? What about the kids born here to ALL circumstances? What about those kids? Are they not worthy of love and happiness and education? Are they not just as valuble and good? Yes, they are... But, the simple fact that those b-parents may have limited rights or that those children may someday know (and love) their b-parents keeps so many of our own country's kids in foster care or other types of care.
I think it is just not fair to the kids here that because of how we have seen a need for a greater respect of the adoptee's future needs and the b-parents rights, those children are simply not an OPTION to many a-parents. They come with too many problems and too many strings attached and no one seems to want to endure that for the sake of many of these children.

In essence that leads me back to why I left posting here in the first place...Does it all just come down to our title with that child? Because when you raise a child, born to you or not, you are their parent ...And, if you do it right that child will NEVER forget that. AND, when you give birth or create a child you are their parent forever, whether you can raise them or not.

Julie- You have impressed me with your views...They are changing ever so slightly, Still with nothing but Justyn and Sarah in mind... Kudo's to you.

Ang-

[dixiemom]

......I am a good friend of Mary's and also have a daughter adopted from Guatemala. I just want to let you all know that she is a VERY nice person and a VERY caring mother to her daughter. She never said she did not respect her daughter's birthmother, and she always pointed out that she would love for her to be able to see pictures of her daughter and receive letters. I believe that is a degree of openess. The point many of the sides here (from a domestic point) are missing is that international adoptions are VERY different. It is ofter impossible to even find the birthmother, much less be fortunate enough to have contact with them. I honestly do not think Mary is a bitter person, she just finds the need to defend herself and her comments because, as we all know, it is very frustrating to try and make a point when someone truly cannot understand your situation. I would hope we can all agree on that. Sort of the "until you've walked in my shoes" type thing we have all experienced in our particular situations.

Peace,

Lynn

[crick]

Guys...we are going to take a 24 hour break.

Thanks,
Crick