[shef]

I am trying to sort or process things through in myself.....
Ive rectnly had a change of perspective or grwoing change toward what I saw as total rejection by my bmother toward me....it is coming about by re-reading my adoption files and seeing things I missed last year......

In order to try and help myself in this process, I tried to read a book on adoptee traumas..and in there it talks about adoptees having a false sense of self....and then having to discover their true selves. Part of that process is letting go of defence mecahnisms or ways of coping with all the unknown stuff throught the years and the pain etc.....

so now Im in a bit of the middle of the road...changing from one set of thinking to another in order to move on or get unstuck....but in doing so..i am having to let go of some of my well worn thoughts and ways of protecting myself. The book talks about learning to trust yourself an dyour feelings....

One of the things I am beginning to acknowledge to myself (and what others have seen about me) is a sense of ow self worth ...the book says ...quote: The feelings of being unworhty of receiving love is one of the biggest issues the adoptee must change. To over come this feeling, he must re-examine it, using all the new insights he has gained about himself. He must let go of this sense of unworthiness....If the adoptee cannot readjust this thinkinga nd continues to feel unlovable, he will likely continue to sabotage any future relationships. He must come to love himself unconditionally.

it then goes onto to talk about self nurture..self love.....

my question is....do other adoptees (or anyone really) relate to this stuff, and if you have been "stuck" waht are things that have heped you to get unstuck and move forward in your perspectives and building self love?

How do we really know waht our true self is?

shefalie

[shef]

ok..Im going to talk to myself here.......sometimes i guess that helps too.......

but I went to see the counsellor today......and took a photo of my mother and I..big stuff for me, cos i havent done that before face to face......I dont know why I didnt do it earlier, but perhaps i wasnt ready......anyway......she said I got to look at the facts of what we now know.....becasue I just dont know how to cahnge my perspective from that of one of rejection to anything else...as I siad its hard to receive that she did want me ......I just oculdnt cope with if that was the case, why did she abandon me.....

yes my bmother was truamatised by waht had happened to her.

There was really no way she was ever going to be able to keep me, and back then she would of been adivised not to see me ,or touch me or anything as that would be easier on her...so no she never did look at me..but that doesnt mean it was About ME..that there was soemthing wrong with Me.....thats a fact......

She was terrified taht i wouldt look like her and i would be like him..and she couldnt cope with that.....at all.......

I must have looked a bit like her, cos she agreed to meet me......she didnt have too, but she did. She didnt have to put her arm around my shoulders when we had our photo taken, but she did. No one forced her. thats a fact. so waht I am having to think about, is that, that does not equal total rejection and not being wanted does it......so, let me begin to accept she did want me.....but becasue of her own issues, and cirucmstances and her husband....it wasnt going to be how we both would have liked it...too much traums

without any help for both of us, it wouldnt be possible to have a realtionship and its taken me years to get to this place, and she didt have any help, and was older...she couldnt do it.......fact.

so after we met.....which I am thankful that she was able to let herself do that......it became difficult fo rher to continue in any renuion..so she withdrew without a reason...and went back into silence...and i never got any answers to my letters....fact...so i drew from that a rejection..and great sadness.....that was unresolved until the day she died.......fact....

so waht am I left with know, as i try to battle myways through what i have learnt ..........

That this whole adotpion, relinquishment is so darn hard for all of us...thats it takes a lot of courage to face issues, and that if you want soemthing bad enough, there is going to have to be some work we each have to do on ourselves. WE cant go into the presetn or the future and not talk about what happeend in the past..in order to get unstuck from it......and for some people it is just too big a challenge to coem to terms with...hence no reunion.....no realtionship that goes forward.........

ok......thats enough for now shef...my head hurts with it all...but i so want to make progress and begin to look through a different window onto these things....

shef



Yes she did think about me at times after I was born, and yes she would wonder if she could ever have me back....knowing really it wasnt ever going to be possible..but I understand bmotehrs have fantasies too......the what Ifs...like we do.....So yes..she had wnted me..but couldnt keep me.

In order to get on with her life, and her family and other child, she had to forget about me and live as if it had never happeend to the outside world. Which she did quite successfully...until the day that I showed up.......as an adult woman.....not a baby who she had relinquished........

[eastendmommy]

Shef. I think you know how I feel about all of this. Your birthmother was undoubtedly traumatized by the rape; it doesn't matter if she knew the guy or not. Rape is rape. The fact that she was married and was raped by a man from another culture only made it harder for her to keep you. If that had not been the case, maybe she could've worked around it, but seeing as how that was the case, and it was what - 50 something years ago - there was little she could do about the acceptance issue. Either from her husband, or by society in general... The fact is that she did meet with you, Shef. You've pointed out yourself, she really didn't have to do that... She looked you square in the eyes, put her arm around your shoulder and had a picture taken with you. She loved you, Shef. Trust me. She loved you. She just didn't have the strength to fight for you (and there's alot of us around here that fall into that category), didn't know HOW to fight for you... Didn't know if she COULD fight for you. She knew that looking at you might bring back that awful night for her, but she did it, anyway. You can find strength and peace in knowing these things.

Your birthmother loved you, Shef. You are making tremendous progress towards your goals. You have acquired info that you hadn't seen before, you had something pointed out in a picture that you hadn't seen before, things are falling into place for you, sweetie!

I am always thrilled to read a post from you. You have a way about yourself that's very endearing, very honest and not afraid to ask questions. You hang in there, Shefalie. Brighter days are up ahead! Much love, Tammi

[marimari]

Something that you said really hit a chord within me..we do have to look at the past in order to move on. We don't have to carry it like a load of bricks nor like a martyr..but we can look at it squarely and take what we can use and go forward with the knowledge that heals us..for you reading your b-mom's words, seeing the picture of the two of you..those are worth embracing, worth keeping..to use to rase some of the negative thougts, impressions that you have had about yourself and her.
You are doing well...woo hoo!

[shef]

ok.....some very good points, tammi and mari..thankyou for sharing them with me.....

I think with what you have said mari..its like...or somewhere its been said that reunion journey can be like a journey where we are carrying all our emotional baggage in a suticase. But now and again we have to stop, and reassess wht we are carrying ont he journey. For some parts of it we dont need everything in oursuitcase, and if we try and add more stuff with the old, we will soon end up like martyrs ....being loaded down. so I guess we have to stop, and unpack stuff we no longer need on our journey...stuff tht is past its sell by date, or now worn out...its had its day.........yes its been of use, and was of use where we/I were at, where we stopped on our journey, but now its passed......we dont need it. I need to look at some things I need to dump......say goodbye to too.....and to put into my case, some new things that I need for my journey onwards......

i am reaching the point where its like a crossroads in my life, in this "reunion" journey...... with my bmother......even bsister.....maybe that is the way things go, im not sure.....but it seems taht way for me.....and i need to choose carefully this time...with the insights I am gaining...what will help me to walk on healed, and into healing...ive a way to travel yet......i seem to have taken so long to get to this point.....but its not that long really in a whole lifetime...... So...I am not good at packing cases, as i dont know waht to take, what I will need, what to leave behind and i normally end up taking stuff for going away that never gets uses....I dont want to make that mistake this time...Ive lugged around things that are so heavy for too long.......so Shef..this is where I am.....coming to a crossroads.....and my suticase has just burst open...and guess waht fell out first.......the photo of me and my mother.....now thats the place to start.....i must sit down a mo.....my arms are tired from carrying.

If youre reading this..plese dont think Im a crazy worn out woman.....I am just a weary traveller, trying to find my way in this maze of emotions ive carried too long trying to work through a reunion wehre me and my mother couldnt go forward together.....perahps yo have been like that or se eyourselfin some of my thoughts...join with me on this journey for awhile with your thoughts if you want..if not we can journey together in silently...we are all probably headed the same way anyways......

shef

[janiej]

WOW Shef ~~~ I LOVE the "loaded suitcase" analogy.
How true your words ring with me.
We all try to carry stuff that no longer has a place in our life. We get bogged down with it all.

Spring is here. What better time to clean out our suitcases, and put in some fresh, new "stuff". Move on to a new season, a new chapter in our lives.
You are amazing Shef.

Those of us who know you, certainly know you are not a "crazy worn out woman". We are traveling this journey with you, and have seen you start to unload some of the "junk" that you have carried for so many years. Keep letting go of whatever you don't "need" for survival in this life anymore, okay ? You can only make room for new things, by discarding those that no longer serve any good purpose.
Sending you huge hugs !(((((((((SHEF))))))))))))

[eastendmommy]

Oh Shef! Once again, you have brought tears to my eyes. I also LOVE the loaded suitcase analogy. It is absolutely fitting for your situation (and lots of others' situations, too)Janie is right - what better time than Spring to unload your heavy suitcases??? You rest for awhile, Shef. You have been travelling with an over loaded suitcase for too many years. You are weary from your trip, and we don't think you're a crazy worn out woman by any means. You are incredible, Shef. I think that your mother is looking down at you, smiling and at peace that she can finally have the strength to love you and be pleased with who you are.

I wish I could give you a proper hug, Shef. Of all of the people on this forum who have so desperately needed closure, you are the one I keep coming back to, anxiously awaiting your new discovery of yourself! You have come much further than you know, sweetie. And in the grand scheme of things, you have moved faster than you might feel you have. Keep up the good work, Shef.

Sending BIG HUGS across the waters to you, Shef! Tammi

[shef]

You know......coming out of the place of denial and facing things as they wwere, and are, is no mean journey is it.........sometimes I long of rthe safety of the shadows, where denial seemed to bring naievity, and a sense of nothing is wrong and the waters were not stirred up...but its not real.....and it isnt life is it. Its not real living with me, or with others........how easy it is to deceive ourselves, and to tell ourselves untruths and then we tell us/me them for so long taht the lie becomes the truth......do you get me onthis one.......no wonder when we come out of denial iits hard to know waht is our true selves and waht is the truth of sitautions..
does anyone esle find that at all>

I find this one of the hardest things...to face myself, to face what i have done....its easy to face what other people have done to me......but my own attitudes and responses, and those things I am responsible for...well thats hard......but its not without hope......I hope!

shef

[eastendmommy]

Amen, Shef. You don't want to be in the shadows, believe me. Denial is a lonely tunnel to be in. It is much better to squint in the bright sunlight until your eyes become accustomed to the light than to remain in the darkness of naivety any longer than is necessary. You are amazing, Shef! Someone who isn't afraid to 'step out of their box' and encompass issues from a totally different angle. Hugs to you, Shef! Tammi

[shef]

I am finding that coming out of all sorts of denial is really hard work. Some of this stuff is so deep rooted...and my guess is taht you have to be committed to do this work in order to live more congruently with yourself...and with other people.....maybe, to go back to my origional question to anyone........maybe the false self...is the one with the mask on......but you dont know youre wearing a mask...until your insides dont match your outsides......and youre in conflict and so much unrest.....with yourself first and then others.......I dont lknow whether I am like my mother, or my fahter, I guess I will never know now, as you have to have a realtionship , right? in order to know if you take after each other........I guess Im a bit of everything that has been in life up till now......and I just cant pin it down to genetics, cos I dont know. Thats something i find so hard...not knowing if Im like anyone. I dont mean looking like anyone.....but wahts truly me.......dont know if I make any sense really....

do you think that bmothers have a false self and a true self as well....cos it seems the adoption pieces I have read only say its the adoptee.

Becasue my bmother wasnt able to fully deal with things and deal with her denial, then maybe I never really met the real her...just the one who was very much in pain and anguish of heart......I would like to have heard her laugh.....or even sing......i would like to have known she had fun and happy times too...I wish I we could have gotten past the sadness of it all...to a better day.....

[eastendmommy]

Maybe you only hear about this false self vs. true self with adoptees because you know you have two lives, a set of parents that you don't know... But I think it is also a reality that many birthmothers - especially from the past - have that as well. We were told to forget about you all, to go on with our lives and to never look back... that is a false self right there...to try and deny the birth of a child is impossible...why would they think it was okay to tell us something like that? "You'll get over it"... Hey, we didn't have a cold, for crying out loud...we had babies. How do you 'get over' THAT??? Then, there is the whole 'don't talk about this with your family' thing... So the false self goes on indefinitely where our families are concerned...

The only true self I've been allowed to have for the past 26 years is when I am alone with my thoughts, no one to share any of it with. Until recently. What a relief it is to no longer EVER have to be my false self again!!! I can face the reality of my situation, face the reality of my past, and emerge a new woman with a clean slate!!! How liberating is that?!!! You are close to liberation too, Shef. You have a tremendous capacity to absorb what you need to absorb to get to your happy place in life! I am so proud of you, sweetie!

I like your 'true self', Shef! You are articulate and wise and funny...you take advice to heart, and don't 'dismiss' it as irrelevant to you...You are not afraid to make the necessary changes to insure success... You are an amazing woman!!! Be 'true' to yourself! Hugs, Tammi

[Pinakitha]

Originally Posted by shef

my question is....do other adoptees (or anyone really) relate to this stuff, and if you have been "stuck" waht are things that have heped you to get unstuck and move forward in your perspectives and building self love?

How do we really know waht our true self is?

shefalie

I am not adopted but a bmom. I too had lots of self-esteem issues both when I gave birth to my child and later, after the adoption. I too had to create a "false self", so that nobody would see how much I was hurting about having to relinquish my baby. Later, when bmoms became "birthmothers" (= babybreeders and abandoning mothers in society's eyes), I had to create yet another false self. The woman who didn't like kids and wasn't interested in having any. Even so, I still used to break down in floods of tears every time I saw anything to do with adoption in the media or saw people with their babies, so I couldn't have created a very good "false self"!

False Self is also something that an adopted person either consciously or (as a baby) unconsciously creates in order to "fit in" with the adoptive family. They want to "belong" and so they try to make sure that they are "good" by trying to become what they believe/perceive their parents expect them to be. Later in life, this gets transferred to other people and may create what Nancy Verrier has called "the chameleon personality" - someone who is all things to all people or different things to different people and never truly themself.

This is not unique to adoption and can happen to any child who has had a "toxic" or "dysfunctional" family, or simply parents who were rather distant and cold. However, it apparently seems to be something that many (some?) adopted adults present.

How do you know what is the real you? Now, that's hard. I guess you start by writing down all your "Real" likes and dislikes (the ones YOU feel when you are alone and not trying to fit in with others and be "lovable" so they don't abandon you). You write down the way you react to certain stimuli when you are by yourself too (e.g "feel sick when I smell Palmolive soap" or "I think nuclear energy is totally wrong, we should be looking for 'greener' alternatives"). Gradually, you will start to build up a portfolio of all of these things. Then you are ready to look at them AND ... the next time someone says "I think nuclear energy is the solution to our energy needs for the future", instead of you agreeing with them (to fit in and be "accepted"), you say "Actually, I don't agree. I think......."

You will then discover something amazing. It is OK to disagree with someone. You can still be friends. It is also ok for you or someone else to disapprove of some of the things you say or do. Disagreement or disapproval do not detract from someone else loving you. You both just agree to disagree about certain issues and carry on loving each other just the same.

Of course, this doesn't happen overnight. Like most things (riding a bicycle for example), it takes lots of practice before it all starts to make sense and becomes part of your everyday behaviour.

I hope this is helpful to you and/or to any adopted adult out there who has felt that they are living an inauthentic life.