[hart627@comcast]

Hi, my b-daug was located 2 1/2 yrs ago thru a CI program and we correspond on a regular basis by email/cards. I have asked if I could call her but she said she is very very shy, wouldn't know what to say and felt more comfortable this way. I have been afraid to even mentioned a reunion to her. She said she never thought of searching for me, and doesn't understand why people do. She has always known she was adopted (2 adopted brothers also) but no one ever talks about it in her family, doesn't see any reason to. She is 38, not married, no kids, says she can't see telling her parents. Has anyone who has been found had this experience or felt like this? or has anyone ever felt like this and changed their mind? I am trying to be so patient and go at her pace but sometimes I wonder if there will ever be more than emails?? I would really like to hear from some adoptee's on this.

Frustrated b-mom..

[hello&goodbye]

Some adoptees want to connect, some for thier own personal reasons, do not.You need to ask yourself, what do you want from her? Do you want a relationship? If so, what kind, how close to you want to be to her, do you feel you need to be a part of her life? And, can you handle it if she says no thanks. At the age of 38, and she has not searched, najes one wonder if she was ever going to. Maybe she is happy where she is right now, let her know the ball is in her court so to speak. And leave it at that. She is alive and well, isn't that the important thing?
I am an adoptee, and I did wantto meet my birthmother once, it is not to be. it was a mutual decision and I am fine with that. You see I have wonderful parents and sibling. I also have a family of my own, I know who I am and am comfortable with that flaws and all. Not everyone is suited to the intensity that a reunion can bring. I know I am not. Your emails are enough for her. Two people must go into any kind of relationship like this willingly, you cannot force it, you will only get hurt in the end.

[aisha101]

I do not think that some people can fully wrap their brains around the whole idea. I have a hard time. I have met a couple of my birth sisters but not yet the BMom and when they refer to me as their little sister it takes a while to register.

Some adoptee's do not want to go there. They have a comfort zone which they can call the shots. They do not want to talk about it with their A parents because they do not want to hurt them. And, some of us do not even fully know who we are and need time trying to figure that out.

Do not put pressure but let it be known that you would be willing to meet because one thing I do know is that everyone is walking on egg shells and sending mixed messages and one person in the relationship needs to be the honest & open one and it usually has to be the birth family because well that is usually the way it is (smile)

Do not give up. She is probably testing you in every which way she can and you need to continue to prove yourself whether or not you like it. Most of us have a fear of not being liked, rejected and do not trust others well at all so, if she tests you make sure you pass it or you will probably kiss your chances of knowing her goodbye again.

[hart627@comcast]

helloandgoodbye, aisha 101 - thank you both for your input. Even tho it is hard for me (from my side of it) to imagine someone not wanting to get to know, meet or maybe even have some kind of relationship with their b-mom/b-child I do understand everyone has different feelings on this. I guess it's like personalities, everyone has one and every one is different. Each of us are entitled to our own opinion and feelings and should not be looked down upon for feeling the way we do just as there are many different reasons why we relinquished our babies. I know there are some b-mom's who do not want any contact too, again everyone has their reasons and should be respected. I have not and would not push my b-daug for a relationship, I have left that up to her. I have never even mentioned the word 'reunion' to her, the most I have done is ask if I could call her on the phone (in May 2004), to which she said she felt more comfortable this way (email/cards/letters) and I haven't brought it up again. I told her from the begining it was up to her as to if, how and at what pace this proceeded if any. It took her 4 months to decide if she wanted any contact and then for another 4 months we corresponded thru the CI only, first names only, no email addresses, no phone numbers, no physical addresses....nothing. She understands that I did not contact her to hurt her, her mom or dad. In fact we don't and have not for quite some time talked about her being my b-daug, me being her b-mom or anything to do with that subject. I have told her and truely believe her mom and dad are just that, her parents. They are the ones who took her home from the hospital as a baby, and have been there for her every day and night in her life, good and bad. I may have gave life to her but they are the ones who gave her a life. It takes more to be a parent than giving birth and they have been the ones that have done all of that. Yes, I admit I would like more but I just feel blessed and so greatful that she has allowed me to know about her at all. Finding out about her was something I had wanted to do since I was 16 1/2 yrs old. It took me 35 1/2 yrs to find out that I had had a girl, I was blind folded in the delivery room and was never told if I had had a boy or a girl, my mother died in March 2000 and took that bit of info to her grave with her. I feel sorry for the adoptees' who search and find their b-parent(s) only to be rejected too. Everyone has their reason for searching, choosing not to search or refusing contact and each should be respected in their wishes.

Sorry I've rambled on and on like this.....

Sheila

[poetic-nobody]

I was located by my birth father three months ago, and I can tell you that it was quite a shock. So, give her some time to sort out her emotional issues, family loyalties, and find her bearings. I believe that she will eventually find it in her heart to contact you, but do not push it. It will only make things worse.

Originally Posted by hart627@comcast

Hi, my b-daug was located 2 1/2 yrs ago thru a CI program and we correspond on a regular basis by email/cards. I have asked if I could call her but she said she is very very shy, wouldn't know what to say and felt more comfortable this way. I have been afraid to even mentioned a reunion to her. She said she never thought of searching for me, and doesn't understand why people do. She has always known she was adopted (2 adopted brothers also) but no one ever talks about it in her family, doesn't see any reason to. She is 38, not married, no kids, says she can't see telling her parents. Has anyone who has been found had this experience or felt like this? or has anyone ever felt like this and changed their mind? I am trying to be so patient and go at her pace but sometimes I wonder if there will ever be more than emails?? I would really like to hear from some adoptee's on this.

Frustrated b-mom..