[mom2justynsarah]

As an adoptive mom & wife of an adoptee, I started to read the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew." I found the book to be very fascinating, profound, enlightning, sad....and just a whole bunch of different emotions.

One thing that stood out was a chapter regarding adoptees and their birthdays. I never understood why, but my husband always gets deeply depressed every year on his birthday.

I could never understand why. He could never explain it. He always said he hates his birthday. He wakes up on that day (7/28) and it's like a black cloud is over his head.

Being the loyal, loving wife that I am, I had always planned something every year on his birthday. Rather than being appreciative, he was angry. I never understood why he reacted that way. Why was it was so depressing for him? Now, I think I get it. WOW! What an eye opener!

I have now learned (only after 11 years of marriage) to celebrate his birthday in a very low key manner.

Do any of you get very depressed on your birthdays as well? Angry? Melencholy? Or are you ok during your birthday?

My next concern is my daughter. Her birthday is December 12th. My son's birthday is December 15th. The anniversary of my mother's passing is December 21st. Shall I even mention Christmas/New years Eve?

Decembers (at least for me) are filled with the greatest joys and the lowest lows of my life. The first thing that comes around is my daughter's birthday. It is also during December that we spent 10 days in California, visiting with her birth family. It is also during December that we left California and flew home with her.

Only three days after my daughter's birthday, my son's birthday arrives. We have always done elaborate parties for him. My husband is an artist & is very creative. Our parties are ususally the talk of the town.

My daughter is only 15 months old now. But I would like advise on how best to handle her birthdays in the future? What if she hates her birthday? How could we go ahead and celebrate our son's 3 days later with such joy and happiness? How could I stop MYSELF from feeling joy and happiness on HER birthday?

I may be jumping the gun, but I would like some of your input. As always, thanks for your honesty and enlightenment.

Julie

[adoptionsearchblog2]

My daughter is only 15 months old now. But I would like advise on how best to handle her birthdays in the future? What if she hates her birthday? How could we go ahead and celebrate our son's 3 days later with such joy and happiness? How could I stop MYSELF from feeling joy and happiness on HER birthday?

I do not think that there is anything wrong with feeling joy on your daughter's birthday. However, knowing that there may be some sadness for her as well on that day, I think it would be appropriate for you to acknowledge that with her as well. (Same deal for your husband.) Maybe tell her that you understand that her birthday might be bittersweet for her. And talk about her birth family/mother on that day. Birthdays are excruciating for most birth moms too. Many think of their children constantly on that day, long for them and are very sad on their birthdays. You might tell your daughter that her birth mom probably is thinking of her and missing her on that day.

That you know that her birthday could be happy and sad is an important fact for you to have learned. Encouraging her to have the right to have both feelings is very positive and could be of great benefit to her. Allow for both the happy and sad feelings.

I think parents spend too much trying always trying to keep everything exactly the same for each child. They are all unique and each has different needs and wants. Though you do not want to favor one over the other, try not to wonder about keeping score and making every equal. It is an imposible task - and not entirely realistic.

[bumblebeeskies]

Very timely post! My birthday is this friday. I have been depressed all month. I'm really conflicted about celebrating the day. It's like how can I celebrate the worst day of someone else's life?

[adoptionsearchblog2]

Ah, but it is the worst and best day both - bittersweet! Not until reunion was I able to celebrate my son's birthday. Last year he spent his birthday ever with my husband and I. For me, it was glorious to finally spend time with my son on his birthday.
As soon as my son and I reunited, I felt differently about his birthday. I can now celebrate his life and feel good that I gave birth to him. Finally, I am grateful and happy each birthday of his that passes. He has lived the life I gave him to the fullest, still does and that pleases me to know that.

No matter how difficult your birthday might be for your birth mom, you have a right to enjoy and make the most of the life she gave you. I know some birth moms who are able to rejoice in their children's lives and birthdays, and even have a small celebration. You can be fairly certain that your birth mom is thinking of you on that day, probably with a mixture of pride and sadness.

It will not help your birth mom for you to be miserable on your birthday and she would not want you to. She gave you life so that you could have the best life possible. Honor her request if you can, and enjoy your birthday. Set aside some time too to reflect and be sad if you need too - that's okay too.

Happy Birthday!

[krielly]

Boy, I think this is just such an individual thing!!!! I don't recall ever having issues surrounding my birthday at all. Still don't....(other than the fact I'll be 40 this year, YIKES!!!!)

I'd be careful with your daughter as she gets older, just play it by ear (of course you have years for this). You don't want to create an issue where there might not be one, ya know?

I feel sad for your hubby. Sorry that's all the association that day has for him (his b-day). It is so much more!! It's a celebration of his existence for goodness sakes!!!!
I hope he find peace about that someday.....

Do you know how his Aparents celebrated his birthday?? Or if there were any issues surrounding that???

Hang in there. He is lucky to have you!!! Bless you for being so supportive and sensitive of his feelings about it all....

Karen

[ripples]

Hey Julie,
Good for you for being so sensitive and caring regarding the birthdays issue. Until I did the search late last year, my birthdays were a fabulous time. Now that I'd uncovered a pile of buried grief over my adoption, my birthday this year was a very, very sad time. I cried so much, I ended up with the flu for 2 weeks. While my birthday is a celebration of my life, it's also the last day that I'll ever meet my birth parents as they died long before I did my search. It's very painful for me to realize that my birthday marks the day I lost them forever. It hurts to think that my first experience of life was also one of profound loss.

As for what to do on your family members' birthdays - perhaps you might want to ask your kids and hubbie as to what they'd like to do, if anything, on their respective birthdays? Do they want to talk? Do something special, whether it be to mark their happy or sad feelings? Or do they prefer to keep to themselves? If it were me, at least having a family member acknowledge that my birthday has both sad and happy meaning would be helpful.

I live in Australia and on Australia's National Day, Aboriginal people mark it as a day of mourning of the loss of their country. I can now relate somewhat to how sad they feel when everyone is celebrating.

[Arrowbear]

HI, I am an adoptee and I also have gotten very depressed on my birthdays through the years. I am 48 years old and I had a baby on my birthday and it didn't matter. For me the day I was born is the day I lost my mom. I have always taken a vacation day from work on my birthdays, because I never know how I am going to feel. I had a bad experience with my adopted family so it is a double whamming for me. Through therapy I have gotten much better. The best thing I can suggest is to always make your husband feel loved and safe. Through the years my husband has learned allot about me and my behavior when it gets close to my birthday, he just watches me and when he finds me crying he just knows, doesn't say a word, he just will hold me until I get past that moment. Good Luck Just keep the hole in his heart filled with all of your love and he will be OK.

[adopted_78]

I haven't read that book but I'd like to since you mentioned it. I dont care to celebrate b-days either. Most people don't know when it is. I always thought it was because I was afraid to get old and ugly. Now I think it is something different. Like when people talk about what time they were born and what their dads did. Lately though I feel like my last b-day was okay...a friend of mine really went out of her way to make me feel special. So i was like this isn't soo bad. I might be inclined to celebrate again.

[Outfishn]

I read from the book "Primal Wound" that many adoptees feel depressed on or around there birthdays. I never experienced that myself but believe it for truth. I commend you for realizing and trying to understand his funk, I can imagine it would be tough for you. Remember that it is not you causing the depression but that day.

I can tell your special, hang in there.

[baby girl watts]

i know what your talking about with the birthdays.mine is this sunday 5/14 im turning 18. and for the past two weeks my adoption is all i can think about.

just be there for them, thats all i want is for my family to understand that this is so important. and that im not 100% ok with my adoption and this "down time" is me fixing that pain i feel.

[skynyrd]

im 38 since i was 12 or so i neve make a wish on my bday cake all i ask . i say mom i hope ur thinking of me today. i guess in mind mind i believe she is it really helps. i dont know ur hubbys age but the way i look at it is my bmom had a choice death or live she gave me life so i could love........ ur kids r ur babys cel.. everything................. n in ur heat n mind rember those who r looking down watching god bless

[plants]

i get very sad on my birthdays wishing my mom was there i miss her so much

[LeiLei]

I understand. I December is the same way for me. As an adoptee I found it easier to accept my reality and that is I have 2 birthdays. Celebrating them both may make bridging the gap of her "past life" and her new one. It is like having two people in the same body...not in a bad way. But the reality she came from is just as large a part of her as her current.