[heartbroknshorty]

I just recently turned 18 and started looking for my birth parents with no success. I dont know if ill ever find them. I love my adoptive parents so much but i just feel like something is missing. A big something. My life. It feels like im living a fake life, the life i was supposed to live is with my real mom and dad. I dont really know who i am and i wont know untill i find them... but unfortunitly i dont know when or if that will ever happen. i dont know

[aMarylandfamily]

These forums have alot of support, guidance and advice to offer as well as strong shoulders and hope you will come to lean on us through your search.

Being the adoptive parent (mom) of a child who reunited with his birthfamily both emotionally and geographically I would like to encourage you to talk with you adoptive parents - explain to them how much you love them but that you want to locate your birth parents ... and hopefully become part of both families (which you really are) ... and if distant give them time to adjust and include them along the way - it will make a difference ...

In the interim I would start searching (checking adoption registry situation in your home state or state you were born in) and be patient ... its a complicated long process that can be fulfilling if you take it on as a journey to expand your life not replace it.

Best wishes and again welcome!

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm an original mum whose reunion has recently gone bad, I found my son in Aug 2004. Nothing wrong with you wanting to fill the missing pieces as your parents will always be your parents, I'm a strong believer in that as original parents can't replace adoptive parents.

My son started searching when he was 18 yrs old yet I found him by accident. It has had it's ups and downs with it recently crashing down due to birth father issues which I cannot resolve for my son. There have been other issues but this is the main one...he needs his space and so do I sadly .

However there are good reunions out there so I wish you all the best in your search . You will get plenty off support from all sides of the triad who will give also give you plenty off insight.

Pip

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by heartbroknshorty

I just recently turned 18 and started looking for my birth parents with no success. I dont know if ill ever find them. I love my adoptive parents so much but i just feel like something is missing. A big something. My life. It feels like im living a fake life, the life i was supposed to live is with my real mom and dad. I dont really know who i am and i wont know untill i find them... but unfortunitly i dont know when or if that will ever happen. i dont know

As an adoptive mom, I would strongly encourgage you to speak with your parents. Your parents are the ones who have loved and raised you through thick & thin. They ARE your real parents.

My husband & I have an open adoption with our daughter's birth parents. So our daughter will ALWAYS know where she came from, her roots, who she looks like, etc, etc. When the time comes, it will be up to HER if or when she wants to meet them or establish a relationship.

Being that I am not an adoptee, I will never know what, how or why you feel that something is missing. I can only say that if you were my daughter, I would do anything possible to help you find your way. I would also feel bad that you didn't come to me. As parents, we want our children to be happy.

Just remember, there are things in life that have no guarantees. There are also things in life that are meant to be the way they are. Are you in therapy?

Again, please talk with your parents about how you feel. I am sure the love you feel for them equals the love they feel for you.

Best of luck,
Julie

[heartbroknshorty]

thank you ... my adoptive parents have been very supportive... they told me i was adopted back when i didnt even understand (about 4 years old). They told me that they will help me find my parents but i know it hurts them. Now it comes down to a money issue because the adoption agency im from charges $200 for a search.

[bsu_beginner]

Originally Posted by heartbroknshorty

I just recently turned 18 and started looking for my birth parents with no success. I dont know if ill ever find them. I love my adoptive parents so much but i just feel like something is missing. A big something. My life. It feels like im living a fake life, the life i was supposed to live is with my real mom and dad. I dont really know who i am and i wont know untill i find them... but unfortunitly i dont know when or if that will ever happen. i dont know

Well your anxiety and heartbreak is very real and legitimate. I would say, keep trying to find them. It does feel like a fake life and I understand how you feel. I never knew my mom or dad... it was a closed adoption and I never knew or probably will ever know. What I can say is... never give up. Even if you feel down about it, you are real, your adoptive parent's love is real.

[heartbroknshorty]

Thank you all for your support. When i try to talk to my friends about this they just shug it off like its no big deal. They dont understand because they know there background and they know everything. i just know what was givin to me on a piece of paper (which wasnt much). I love my adoptive parents so much. Im their only child so its not like i got treated any differently like alot of people. Do any of you know if the hospitol i was born in would have the information about my BP?

[eastendmommy]

Heartbroknshorty : I think that you would have to have your birthparents (or at least your Bmoms) name to go into the archives of hospital records. If you know their name(s), try a Google search, or try www.david.adoptionsearching.com/ and type in a name. If you don't know their names, file a petition in the court that your adoption was finalized to obtain an original birth certificate and a copy of your file.

Trust me. It CAN be done, but it will take some big efforts on your part to get what you want. I am a birthmother, very little prior computer knowledge, and no new name to start my search. I found him about a month ago!

Good luck with your search, sweetie! Remember to take the time as your search wears on to remind your Aparents how much you love them and appreciate their support! They may need a little extra reassurance from you while you're in the process of your search, and then again if you find them! Hugs, Tammi

[bridgetkoc]

i totally agree with the way you feel, as i am young also and going through the same thing!


i really hope things work out for you! <3

[xandersmommy66]

Your post made me very sad. My son is adopted he is 4. I never want him to feel that we live a "fake" life. He knows his birthmom and I am in touch with his birth dad. I have some legal connections , maybe I can help you find your birth parents. But please know, the life you are now living is not fake . I am sure you are very loved.
www.angelalexwishes.org

[heartbroknshorty]

hey everyone! i havent been on in while because my internet broke. No progress as of yet on the situation... just been busy. I quess its also a money situation (they want $200) and im probably also scared to really know. I dont know. As for my life... i just recently got engaged to my boyfriend We are not setting a date untill i get out of school tho. Its kinda hard because he doesnt understand the situation im in. He just says "the parents you live with are your parents. You dont need your birth parents". But thats not enough for me... as for anyone else i know who is adopted. Well, i will be on more often now since my internet is back up. Thanx to everyone who has helped me.

[heartbroknshorty]

see your situation is differentbecause you keep in contact with the parents. My adoptive parents didnt want to keep letters going or anything. As for you asking if i wanted help finding them, i would be more than grateful for your help.

[ShrBear]

Hi there...I just want to give you some hope. I started my journey of finding my natural parents when I was 18 as well. I was adopted through an Ontario Canada agency, (Children's Aid Society). So, I put in a search request...they warned me that it would likely take a few years, and that my birth parents may not have registered. When I was 25...I moved to Ottawa Ontario, (I had lived in Peterborough my whole life...I had been born in Ottawa...not sure why I moved there except that my boyfriend at the time was moving and I wanted to be with him, and I saw many more opportunities for my career in a big city...)...but within 4 month I had received a letter from the CAS stating that my birth mother had finally been contacted by them...and she was open to meeting me! I have known her about 13 years now, and a year ago, I met my birth dad....we have a lot in common and I get together with my birth parents a lot. With my birth dad, it just seems like we really connect. It may be due in part to the fact that I didn't have a good rel. with my adoptive dad...and still don't. He was actually quite cruel to me from the age of 10 and on...my adoptive mom tho....she has been nothing but supportive. I love so much and she was there to support me...we had many talks about it...and it actually drew us closer. She has met both my b mom and b dad...she admits to having something like jealousy feelings...I live in the same city as my b mom and b dad...but I reassure her sometimes when she needs it...she knows she is my mom. As adoptees....we really need to put together a template....because as my birth father says,..."There just isn't one...we have to make it up as we go along..." and make it the best we can.
So....don't give up hope...you are at the beginning of one of what was for me...the most life changing, phenomenal experiences that I ever had...and still am!
Let your adoptive mom know that it's not against her, it's FOR you...and that her support will just enhance your relationship!
As for your b.friend...it's not up to him as to whether you need your birth parents or not. My b.friend at the time said the exact same thing...turns out we didn't get married b/c I knew he wasn't supportive. I think a healthy person would want to say..."I will support you even if I don't agree with you." It's not his judgement as to whether you need your b parents or not...I hope you will gain his support at this trying time.
As for the "fake phenomena"...I do understand what you are referring to.....when I was with (adoptive) cousins etc....I just felt like I didn't fit...but on some levels I tried so hard to fit in....they were very accepting of who I was etc...and saw me as one of our family as much as the next person...but I always knew I was a bit different. And I still feel that way. With people that are adoptees, we do feel different in many ways...I can speak only for myself and others' that feel the same way....but I just don't feel like I completely 100% fit in the way the rest of my adoptive family does in relation to each other. To the person that was hurt by the original author of this thread...as adoptees...if it is recognized by adoptive parents,..that the adopted child does feel different...then the child feels that much more supportive...I know it's hard to accept that fact...but we weren't born unto our adoptive parents in the way that most are...and there is a sense of being different...even from a young age. An adoptive person just has 2 sets of parents...each one that adoptee relates to differently but the two sets together make one....make any sense?? It is quite profound for somenone to grasp at the same level as one that isn't an adoptee.
I hope this post helps.
MUCH prayer and positive energy to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

[katladyof3]

I understand ur delima and money issues. I just recently found my daughter and son whowere adopted out. So far it is going good. The wasy I found them was thru a people search.It doesn't cost alot! All u need 2 know is ur birth parent(s) name. It gives u all the info(public records) u need. ie: relatives,allknownaddresses,phone#,criminal background,ect. It costs about $10. U can do this on the net. Good luck in ur search and I'm sure ur adoptive parents know u love them and just need to know about ur birth mom(dad). love Julie

[rapunzel_001]

It may not be a reasonable assumption to think that finding your birthparents will make you feel like you fit in. Plus, that's a lot of presuure to put onto people you don't know. You may find birthparents who are extremely receptive or you might find the opposite. If you put all of your hope at making your life feel "real" into finding these people, you may be setting yourself up for very deep disapointment.

I am an adoptee. I don't share your experience. But my birthmother and I are in reunion and I believe that she thought that findiing me was going to help heal her. But I don't reciprocate her feelings or her need. So, for her, finding me was not a solution.

So, I'd say continue your search. But also, you need to invest in you. No one needs a husband or a child or a parent to be complete. You are a whole person now, even if at times it doesn't feel that way. You can find happiness whether or not you find your birthparents. And if you know that when you find them, I predict it will pave the way for a much smoother reunion.