[sal]

I'm sure that that concept does hurt... but does it make it any less real for those of us that have felt it?.. No...It hasn't been stated that a bfather's love is BETTER than an afather's... I'm living proof of that.. My bfather has chosen to deny that I am his daughter...which I can tell you hurt!!! BUT.. I was SO close to my father I held him in my arms when he died. Nobody has told you that your adopted son will love his bfather more than you... I'd like to state that there is enough pain in adoption to go around... Acknowleging it and respecting it and keeping an open mind is one way of being able to deal with it. Just because you'd prefer not to believe that your adopted son won't have a longing in his heart... there's a distinct possibilty that he may.. You can accept it or not... but I hope if he DOES experience it...you will be supportive and understanding and not tell him that it's a bunch of boloney because you don't believe it.

[lonni]

"The only reason another person can't take my place with either of my boys is I won't let them. I am their dad and it will always be that way no matter what happens."

Ditto to that!!!! Thank you for your answer BTW...

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by centraltx_dad

Ok... so I won't lie and I say this has never been a thought of mine. Yes, it has been. I don't really think about it as much anymore. I would like to think it won't be the case but I realize it very much could be later on down the road.

I have 2 sons. One adopted and one biological. I can't really do anything but parent each of them equally and love each of them equally. What they do when they are adults is their business and not mine. Yes, to reiterate, I would like to think I don't have to "worry" about that issue with my ason but I realize the potential exists.

He will know he is adopted. We will not lie or hide things. This will be disclosed during the next few years (he is 3.5 yrs old). But he will not ever be allowed contact with this man while he is a child. He will just grow up knowing that I love him very much and that I have "always" been there for him and I am his dad (and I am). Yes, he will understand about his adoption. It will be slow, though. He will get age appropriate responses. I simply don't believe anything good can come of him knowing this person. I don't believe anything good can come of him seeing pictures of this person (if we had them). The only thing you could possibly construe as "similar" is the fact that they both have blue eyes. Wow. How many people have blue eyes? Oh, and he is gangly and tall. And so is our son. Uh, well so am I... lol. I mean what kind of comparison is that? He doesn't look like the man. I could "kind of" understand a little more if the person is a spitting image of someone else. Yes, it might be shocking to see that and you might want to see that at some point in your life. I still don't think that makes a bit of difference in the long run.

Nothing in this world will change my mind. I do not believe there is any mythical, magical, superstitious, or wonderous about giving life to someone and I don't believe anything about a primal wound or a "void that must be filled". I am sorry if this hurts feelings. I personally understand the need to have knowledge about your past and biological origin. And I understand curiosity (obviously that is the reason I visit this site myself - out of curiosity and wonder). I don't, however, understand this supposed life long need to have a one on one or see pictures or whatever of the person who "gave you life". It just boggles my mind that this is so important (allegedly). I am not religious or spiritual. I don't believe there is anything "special" about giving life. I don't think there is some "connection". I just don't. I'm sorry. This is my opinion.... but your opinion is also just that... your opinion. We don't have empirical evidence or data to back up these claims. We can use what knowledge we have and make some educated guesses but relying on a spiritual feeling is something I won't understand.

Sal, thank you for not jumping on my case directly. I really don't expect to have a lot of agreement from most posters in this forum. But I don't necessarily expect to be directly attacked either lol



I agree.


To the other commenters after, Sal:

Ouch! I quoted the relevant information that Sal hadn't already posted earlier. And I left a link in my post to the statistics page. I wasn't hiding or not disclosing information.

Don't be so angry. I am making comments and giving you my thoughts. I don't expect you to agree. In fact, I fully expect at least 9 out of 10 posters in this forum to disagree with me. That doesn't deter me from posting my comments and thoughts.

no comment cause i will spazz

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by lonni

"Nothing in this world will change my mind. I do not believe there is any mythical, magical, superstitious, or wonderous about giving life to someone and I don't believe anything about a primal wound or a "void that must be filled".

So your biological son would be extremely happy and content with a Father other than you.
He would not need to search most likely according to your theory.
Interesting.

lollololol

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by sal

I wanted to add that it's fine for you to have your own "comments and thoughts" central... but I think you've perhaps chosen that wrong forum to voice them. I for one am stung and hurt from you discounting feelings of loss, something missing, biological connections of adoptees... since I have had them ALL! Please don't tell me that you find my feelings bogus... again... that's respect.

:roadbloc k::roa dblock:

[BrockBaby]

Why is it soo hurtful for your son to have a spot in his heart for his bfather? Whether you like it or not, he did "father" him. He may not be a Father to him...but it is HIS genes that have created YOUR son into the person he is. YOU don't understand the importance of "where did I get MY blue eyes from?" because YOU NEVER had to wonder!!!! Sure, a lot of people of BLUE EYES...but there is a difference between someone having blue eyes and where MY blue eyes came from!!! DO NOT discredit the importance of those things when you can't possibly understand!!! Your son, has an advantage over 100% adoptees, because you son is with HIS mother, biologically. So many of his questions will be answered....try to understand that many adoptees have absolutely NO IDEA of where they came from...put that on for size, and think about what you are saying and how it can seem insensitive and inconsiderate!!! I am a reunited adoptee, and I know that the questions use to haunt me...and now I have knowledge and they no longer haunt me.....so obvious that those questions do mean something!!!!!!

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

Why is it soo hurtful for your son to have a spot in his heart for his bfather? Whether you like it or not, he did "father" him. He may not be a Father to him...but it is HIS genes that have created YOUR son into the person he is. YOU don't understand the importance of "where did I get MY blue eyes from?" because YOU NEVER had to wonder!!!! Sure, a lot of people of BLUE EYES...but there is a difference between someone having blue eyes and where MY blue eyes came from!!! DO NOT discredit the importance of those things when you can't possibly understand!!! Your son, has an advantage over 100% adoptees, because you son is with HIS mother, biologically. So many of his questions will be answered....try to understand that many adoptees have absolutely NO IDEA of where they came from...put that on for size, and think about what you are saying and how it can seem insensitive and inconsiderate!!! I am a reunited adoptee, and I know that the questions use to haunt me...and now I have knowledge and they no longer haunt me.....so obvious that those questions do mean something!!!!!!

[BrockBaby]

No problem Longing....that's what I am here for! LOL

[longingtomeetyou]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

No problem Longing....that's what I am here for! LOL

rolflmbo

[momraine]

Originally Posted by centraltx_dad

I do not believe there is any mythical, magical, superstitious, or wonderous about giving life to someone


relying on a spiritual feeling is something I won't understand.

Have you said that first comment to your wife? YOu might ask her about it. I would not be surprised if she did not agree with you on that. As for the second one, it's kind of sad that you are not even willing to consider something might be true, just because you don't understand it and have never felt it. Here is what you need to know. If you raise your son with love, taking care of his needs and teaching him to be a good person, you have nothing to fear. Even if he does decide to search for his birthfather, you will always be his dad. Searching for his birthfather will not take that away from you. Did you love him any less when the second son came along? NO, of course not, you are capable of loving both of them, your love for the second does not take away any love from the first. If your son does decide he wants to find his birth father, he will not love you any less. The only way it will make him feel anything less for you is, if you somehow make him feel like his feelings are wrong or bad or like finding his birth father is being disloyal to you. It will cause him heartache if you try to make him choose. He wil likely choose you, but he will loose some respect for you. But, if you are supportive of him, you are being a good dad. He will need you. IF he decideds to search for him, he will find out all the bad things about this man that you already know. He will likely be hurt by this man, and will need your support and love more than ever. He needs to know that he can come to you and tell you about his feelings and his disapointment, without fearing "I told you so". You are obviously a man who loves his sons. But you seem to be ingaging in the sort of what if scenarios that you accuse others of. You are worrying about something that may or may not happen and if it does will be years from now. Just love him and worry about the future when it gets here.

[momraine]

Originally Posted by centraltx_dad

Very similarly it is hurtful to read that my son's bfather will always be somewhere in my son's heart (and bfathers heart), waiting and wanting, yearning and feeling pain and longing. Wanting to be loved by something "better" than an adoptive parent. Something more "primal". You don't think that is hurtful to adoptive parents?

Better? Hmm, I did not read anywhere when anyone said better. Only you have said this. Most of the adopties I have spoken to are not looking better parents, they are only looking to meet thier birth parents, in addition to thier adoptive parents. They don't want to dump thier adoptive parents, they are not claiming the birth parents are better, they just want to meet them too. I am an adoptive parent, and I am not hurt at all by the fact that my daughter wants to see what her birth parents look like. I spent the money to find them for her so she could have that. It does not change that I am her mom. I am still the one she runs to first when something good happens, and I am the one she comes to when she is hurt or sick. She does not have an on-going relationship with them. She just wanted to see what they looked like. When she is older she might want to have a face to face with them or a relationship, that will be her decision and I for one am not threatened. I have enough faith in my daughter to know she can love me even if she has a relationship with them.

[crick]

Central - you said...." I personally understand the need to have knowledge about your past and biological origin. And I understand curiosity (obviously that is the reason I visit this site myself - out of curiosity and wonder). I don't, however, understand this supposed life long need to have a one on one or see pictures or whatever of the person who "gave you life". It just boggles my mind that this is so important (allegedly). I am not religious or spiritual. I don't believe there is anything "special" about giving life. I don't think there is some "connection". I just don't. I'm sorry. This is my opinion.... but your opinion is also just that... your opinion. We don't have empirical evidence or data to back up these claims. We can use what knowledge we have and make some educated guesses but relying on a spiritual feeling is something I won't understand."

What I'd like to suggest to you is the following...

You don't NEED to understand. I am also an aparent and I will not truly understand what it's like for my children to wonder or what they feel about their connections to their bfamily. However, all I really NEED to understand is that A - it's possible they will feel the desire to search or re-connect. B - I need to understand that it really has absolutely nothing to do with ME. C - I absolutely do need to support them the best I can because that's my job as a parent. Doesn't mean I will necessarily agree with any choice they make in life, and I certainly wouldn't support anything illegal etc., but goodness...if my children can't even count on me, their MOM, to support them in what THEY feel is an important journey, who the heck can they depend on???

And by support, that would include among other things, not saying "Well, this is just stupid. All that man did was provide sperm for you and he's not really your dad in the truest sense of what a dad is supposed to be! Why in the world do you feel a spiritual or otherwise connection to him?" (I'm using this example because this is the kind of thing I hear you saying all across the boards) In short, it's NOT up to you or me or any parent to determine what is important to our children on how they might feel about their bparents. It's just not. Doesn't mean you have to like it or agree with it or even understand it, but surely you understand that some things just truly are not understood unless you experience it personally?

My kids have a less than stellar bfather themselves, and that's putting it kindly. And while I might not "get it" or even agree with things they feel or say, it's not my feelings or opinions that take priority; it's theirs. I think if they search and meet the man who did nothing more than neglect, abuse and leave them, they'll be hurt even more. However, that's not my decision to make when the time comes. How often in life do we have people advising us and we decide that we just need to discover things out for ourselves? I know I've experienced that plenty!

Lastly what I'd really like for you to think about is your last statement in that paragraph. "There's no evidence"
Well, maybe there isn't enough evidence written in some book out there that satisfies this for you. But don't the words & experiences of the very people this affects speaking RIGHT HERE offer evidence or data? Don't their words count for something?

And no, it doesn't mean that because someone feels x way or x way, it means your child will feel the same way. But just knowing of the possibilities and being aware...that counts for a lot, in my book. I also think it's really disrespectful to tell the very people opening themselves up in an attempt to help you understand things you ask about to simply dismiss it all with an implication of "Sorry, I just don't believe it and it's a crock of baloney". It's fine if you don't understand and if you don't agree, then you don't. But please don't invalidate people's personal experiences by telling them "Oh, there's no evidence to back up your experience or feelings"....they've LIVED it.