[cravalynn]

What is your date of birth? Do you know where you were adopted at? Does your adoptive mother know any clues to help guide you? I am a birth mother searching for my daughter who is also 18.Her date of birth is may 29,1987.
I understand your aching in your heart,as i have been hurting for many years too. I really wish you much much luck, if i can help you please let me know..
Sincerly, Cravalynn

[heartbroknshorty]

my dob is 12-22-87... i was born in Hartford Ct at Hartford Hospitol, and was adotopted through Catholic Family Services in Hartford. My mom knows nother to help me. No names or anything... its hard... i wish u luch as well... its nice hearing mothers that want to find their daughters/sons because then it makes me think that maybe my mom is out there looking for me too

[ShrBear]

I agree with your statement rapunzel...expectations usually are dangerous to have of anyone. I think what our thread leader is saying here, as am I, is that sometimes adoptees don't feel like they fit into their adoptive family. I am not suggesting that we find our natural families so that we can find a place to fit in. It would be amazing to find that family that we fit into in such a way but for adoptees...(for myself anyway), it likely isn't going to happen b/c of the very nature of adoption. My natural family has been so accepting of me but again, here...I just don't feel like I fit in 100%. There is a huge something missing. And yes, people can be perfectly happy if they chose to create happiness in their lives...no matter what.

[Mimi_D_W]

As a bmom having been through one reunion (3 yrs ago this June!), with my bson, D (30 yo), I would have to say that taking it slowly is SAFEST, and probably WISEST. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience.
Reasons:
1. you are really dealing with a lot of unknowns
2. you are dealing with a stranger who has motivations that may not be the same as yours, although we moms hope for the best
3. there really are some unstable people out there!
4. if this unknown person came into your life and disrupted your established family, there could be v long-range consequences you might regret

Having said all that, I am happy that my bson searched for me. He used mediating services through the adoption agency. We wrote letters first for a month,(at first thru the mediator so he could not know my address or last name) which gives one an opportunity to be very personal and thoughtful. Then went to direct emails the next month, then to phone calls -- what a thrill to actually hear his voice! Then actually gearing up to finally planning a face to face meeting gave us both time to talk about how events were affecting our loved ones and to size up the situation.

I'd also advise anyone in reunion or a potential reunion to get the opinions of people they trust, whether it be spouse, best friend, clergy or professional counselor. Both my bson and I wanted SO much for things to happen fast, and my dh kept reminding me of the points I mentioned above. My safety was of great concern, and rightly so.

There is not only physical risk, but much emotional risk at stake. If my bson had tried to contact me 5 or 6 years earlier, I might not have done so as I had a lot more emotional stress going on in my life at that time (dealing with a MIL who was in the last stages of Alzheimer's for one). Or, at least, I would not have had the time to think about the situation as much.

I could have lived the rest of my life happily enough without knowing my bson. Just knowing he was alive and well raised would have been a wonderful event as it was a closed adoption and I didn't know there were post-adoption services available. Also, since the idea/need to search came from his side, I think that was the best situation. He always left it up to me to take the next step and that is as it should be. A young adult in a search situation must realize that a lot can happen in 20 or 30 years, and their birth parents may have very good reasons for not wanting a close relationship.

Please also consider you are a young adult; I am not diregarding your feelings whatsoever, BUT it is very easy to fantasize that your birthmom will fulfill this need you have when the reality may be she does not want or need you in any way shape or form. That COULD be a potentially emotionally devastating situation for you -- are you willing to risk that kind of rejection?? Please seriously consider that might be the case.

A family psychologist I respect, Dr. Ray Guarendi, has 10 children, most of whom are adopted. He says none of them have had a need to search AND that fewer than 10% of adoptees DO search for their b-parents. You might consider calling him during his radio show, The Doctor is IN: T, W, TH 11 am to 1 pm Central time. Check out his web site for the station in your area.

It's wonderful that you have a loving relationship with your adoptive parents.

God bless

[ShrBear]

I have to agree re: taking things slowly and carefully. When I met my birth mother 12 years ago, I didn't think live it in a consciously careful way, but I naturally did because she was quite emotional, and I wasn't very comfortable with what I experienced as too much emotion for me...and I felt a need to distance myself. I was quite a bit younger then and I was interested in this mainly for me only, I had my own interests at heart only. When I searched for my b father a year ago, I sent my email to him...but I edited it many times, and thought very consciously about what I wanted to say to him. I had both our interests at heart. All of my thoughtfulness paid off...he told me he had thought I was a thoughtful person just by the first impression he had gotten of me via this email. I did say to him in my email that if he didn't want any further contact, to just say so...I wasn't attached to the outcome of my search...and it was an incredibly empowering feeling! I would have been disappointed but my happiness wasn't resting on it.
So, more words to ponder for heartbroknshorty. Don't let this break your heart...(if that is what your user name refers to)...you can chose how you feel about this and what you will do with that.

[adopted_78]

I met my biomoms family and have no idea about my birth father. My biomom signed an affadavit stating she was drunk when she conceived and doesnt know who got her pregnant. The social worker on my case got an annonymous call from someone claiming they knew my birth father was a married man at the college she was going to. I'd never ask her who he is because I know she wouldnt tell she's mentally ill and not easy to talk to or even look at. Anyhow, i am 28 and it has bothered me for quite sometime not knowing who this man is. So yesterday I was watching that 50 cent movie. The whole time he wanted to know who his dad was and at the end he found out, but he was like...All that time he thought he was searching for his dad when really he was just searching for himself. So when I think about that I think knowing who he is (biodad) isn't going to make me love myself more or respect myself more or know myself better than I already do. It may open another door for me but I'll still be me.

[adopted_78]

O yeah ~ sorry I dont have any real good advice just thought i'd share what I have been going through.

[heartbroknshorty]

Hey everyone... before i say anything... i want to thank this website for making me a feature post of the month. When i read the news letter i felt so proud!
ShrBear: Thank so so much for all your posts on my thread! You are so very lucky to have met your bparents after all that searching, some people are not that lucky. About the fake situation: My family, besides my parents and grandparents, dont like me very much and never have. For some reason they always have looked down on me. I was the problem child of the family when i was younger. I was dealing with Bi-Polar disorder and extreame ADHD. I also stole alot of things and actually got arrested for it. I use to really care that they didnt like me but now it doesnt even cross my mind. They (my aunt and uncle) actually said some pretty cruel things to my parents about me and now they dont talk anymore.
Rapunzel: I totally understand what you are saying... i know i should not put all my hope into people that i dont even know. Yes, i might be dissapointed... but i might not be. I think its better to hope for the best and see what happends. Theres one main reason why i really want to find my Bmom... and that is to ask questions... i have so many of them!
Mimi: Thank you for your advice on taking my search slowly. I am actually still deciding what to do. I really want to find my parents... but then again im scared... I understand that my mom might be very poor, might still be on drugs, or might even be dead. Thats the main thing i scared of. I actually have a recurring nightmare that i finally find out my moms name and im getting ready to go find her. I go downstairs and start reading the newspaper and her name is in the obituary. Iv been having that dream pretty much once ever two weeks since i turned 17. I have talked to my therapist about it and tryed to get to the root of the problem, but it just wont go away.
As for everyone else who has posted: thank you so much for your advice and your time!!! Keep the ideas comming!
Much Love,
Kathryn

[mdiebel]

Heartbroknshorty... Your story sounds so very sad... and you have been carrying very heavy loads for a long time by yourself... you are in my thoughts.

I too am adopted, now fifty years old... and finally decided almost two years ago now to begin the search for my birth mom. I found her in Nov. 2004... and like you I didn't know what to expect... and was thinking the worst. It turns out she is a lovely 76 year old japanese woman who lives in Honolulu... and has been doing quite well. She even had her own business for many years in Los Angeles.

When you spoke about your life seeming "fake" I reflected on my own sense of life. I thought maybe you are fortunate to have this sense now, so young. The fakeness which I have lived with involves a sense of ... I'm not sure... it's almost a sense of unreality... that I have always been trying to live a real life and keep finding myself living "outside life", if that makes any sense. I keep working to get into reality.

I've been able to function all right... keep a job... my marriage and raise two boys... but reaching out to my birth story... what someone called CHAPTER ONE... has helped me feel more grounded. I've told people I feel like a member of the human race.

I do want to say that it is possible to live with this sense and even become productive and creative just in case you don't find that sense of reality right away.

I hope things come out well for you... as I said earlier, I'm thinking of you...

Mark

[susiesgirl]

if you have your bc dont count on it being *real* I was lied to my whole life as were my aparents. I was born amonth earlier then is on my bc...missing a month somewhere....anyhoo. i understand the feeling of a fake life.
ever since i found my bmomma i feel better knowing my *real* background.
I was lucky that my afolks told me from the beginning that i was adopted and helped in my search for my bfamily. I was 32 when i found her. ,

[Brown-baby]

Hi my names Leah I am 35 years old and I starting searching for my birth parents when I was 18 yr, I go though my moments,I get angery,then upset,and sometimes I feel betrade. But in the end I have a wonderful family that adopted me and I am very greatful for them. They are really supportive of me finding my birth parents and my older sister has been sending paper work everywhere, shes great. I dont know what I can say but I do know the feeling I have a need to see them to look at there faces and see if I look like either of them,I also want to know there interests and show them my children, there grandchildren. There is so much i have to say to them but i can only keep on trying to find them, dont give up, you have a right to find them. Just love yourself and your family and be paient. Take Care Peace

[JadedCrimson13]

Oh sweetie...I know exactly how you feel! When I read your post I felt a strong connection with you, because you feel the same way that I do - that if it wasn't for us being adoptees, we would be living our "real" lives with our real families.

I hope that things work out for you; I know and fully understand the emptiness you are feeling. If you ever need someone...I'm here for you! *hugs*

Sincerely,
Melanie (22, Ohio)

[longingtomeetyou]

well hon if it makes you feel better......

i would totally love to meet my daughter i gave up for adoption 16 yrs ago......
the adoptive parents backed out of sending me a picture as they phoned me saying they were going to do on mothers day

quite frankly that was cruel.......
it makes me wonder how these people are treating her........yikess.....

i feel lied to and betrayed too by the adoptive parents......

[esp1222]

Hang in there. I am 32 years old and found my birthmother when I was 25. We never met. I wondered about it my entire life and always planned on looking when I turned 18. Somehow, I kept putting it off and it ended up being a good thing. I don't think I could have handled it all at 18.

I am and have always been very adjusted and proud of the fact that I am adopted....BUT...it is impossible for anyone other than an adopted child to know how it feels to not know your heritage. Things that other people take for granted, like where certain features came from, or what different nationalities you have in you. I am very dark skinned with dark hair and dark brown eyes. I have been asked my entire life "what do you have in you", and have always had to answer, "I don't know, I'm adopted"...it does sort of feel like you came out from under a rock...I understand.

My birthmother wanted nothing to do with me, and oddly enough, that's okay with me. She didn't give me much information, but the little she gave me was enough to give me closure and satisfy the curiousity that most of us adopted kids naturally have.

Be patient. I didn't think I would ever find my birthmother and who knew she has lived less than 30 miles from me my entire life! We haven't talked in years, but I know where I came from now and I am even more thankful for my parents who loved and nurtured and raised me. It could have been so much worse. I don't know if it helps, but I do understand some of how you feel. It gets better! Hang in there kid!

[esp1222]

And hey! I was born on 12/22 also! Just a little sooner...in 1973! I thought that was cool.