[my2miracles]

I have spent the past 2 days & nights with my feverish daughter crying in my ears, vomiting in her crib (on on herself) & clinging to my neck.

It did not matter to me that I got no sleep. All that mattered was that my baby needed me.

She just turned a year old on December 12th. As I look back upon the year, I am so grateful to have her in my life as my daughter. She is my miracle girl-my baby, my daughter... and I am her mother.

I have been lucky enough to see & experience all of my daughter's milestones. I am the one she cries for in the middle of the night. I am the one she calls for first thing in the morning. The very first word she ever said was "mama".

In addition, I am the one she holds her arms up to be picked up. I am the one who gets her delicious sparkly smiles and infectious gigles. I am the one who gets all the mushy huggies and swee kissies.

I am also the one she comes to when she is tired and cranky. I am the one she comes to when she wants a bath, or a story read, or a boo boo fixed, or if she just wants a mommy hug.

As any mother would, I am the one who feeds her, cleans her, makes sure she is up to date with all of her shots, keeps her safe, warm, happy and most importantly LOVED and ADORED.

Now, I will never discount her bmom. She is the one who brought my little girl into this world. But she is not her mother. I am... aren't I? (of course I am- but..)

I end it like that because of all the posts I read regarding birthmoms and amoms. One post in particular blows my mind. It is something about missing her mom. Well- where is her mom? Doesn't she has one? Or is her amom not her mom?

I guess it confuses me and or disheartens me when I read these types of posts. I can assure you that besides myself and all of my friends who have also adopted- we feel like your real mothers because we ARE.

Best regards,
J

[Imani68]

J~
Wow! Not to negate my son's birthmom but I just had a friend say to me that when she thinks of my son it never crosses my her mind that he's my adopted son.....he's just my son. What a feeling of affirmation that gave me.

[Southernroots]

Both moms are real. It is really that simple. And mostly you get called "Mom" or the mother. Birth moms rarely are called the "Mom" or even the mother - just the "birth mom". Don't doubt that you are your child's mother, but, all adopted child have more than one set of parents - even if they never meet one of them - ever. The "I miss my mom" post is not the norm - I, as a birth mom loved it. My son will never call me "mom" or mother though or think of me the way he thinks of the mom who raised him. Top billing - you get that but do not deny the birth mom her motherhood either. Both moms are real and all the adoptees that I know (and I know many) feel that adoptive moms are "real" moms - but some think birth moms are "real" moms too. Not much to ask that we be allowed to be "real" too is it?

[heartened]

Are we your amoms or are we your real mothers?

From this adoptee's standpoint, that is entirely up to you.

Will you continue to be a mother who loves her child without condition? Or will you abandon her when she needs you most? Will you continue to dry her tears, or will you blame her for your own tears? Will you always hug her close to you even when you are so angry you could scream (or hit), or will you push her violently away and throw her out when she acts up as a teenager? Will you continue to try and understand her needs or will you decide she is simply a lost cause?

You will likely choose the former.
My adoptive mother (and father) chose the latter.

Do you really expect that I will ever consider them to be my "real" mother or father?

I consider them to have been my abusers. What would you call them?

Not all adoptees are blessed to have a mother who treats them well, particularly many of us older ones who were adopted before any sort of good screening measures were in place.

I've not yet met my birth mother and I'm not even sure I ever will. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a "real" mom. Maybe I'll have a good relationship with my birth mother. Maybe she will be the mom I didn't have. But I am prepared to live my entire life without ever having a "real" mom.

[my2miracles]

Southernroots-
Without birthmoms, we wouldn't have our beloved children. Birthmoms are our children's first mom (biological mother). So yes, you are REAL moms!

I hope this doesn't become a bash the birthmom thing. I never meant it to be that way at all (hugs).

[Mitzi]

I would have to agree with ya--I think of myself as the "birthmom". During the 9 1/2 months that I carried my child, I not only took care of myself..but I took care of my daughter which prepared her for life. So I guess you could say....I gave her the foundation to which she was born...and the rest is up to her parent's.

<<the separation between mother and child doesn't hault the love that started from day one>>

[my2miracles]

heartened,

I am so sorry about your horrible experience. That makes me so mad I want to scream. Unfortunately it seems to be quite common.

My husband is also adopted. He was born in 1965. He grew up in a very abusive household with his adoptive parents. I call them that because they don't deserve to be called parents. We haven't spoken to them in over 10 years.

As an adoptive parent, I am appalled. But it also happens in non adoptive situations as well. I guess dysfunction is rampant everywhere.

I was fortunate to grow up in a very stable, nurturing envioronment. My parents were happilly married for over 30 years. They were very loving and wonderful.

I can only parent the way I was brought up. So my children will be brought up adored, loved and wanted.

[Southernroots]

Not to worry, I didn't think that was your intention! To bash birth moms that is.

Funny, I did not really feel like my son's mom until after reunion. He was by then a bouncing baby boy of nearly 32 years old! But, I began to feel like one of his mothers, the moment I knew that he was searching for me. Until then all my feelings for him were buried. It's sorta weird in a way, I now know that I am his mother - always have been - but, he has another mother too.

About the only really terribly maternal thing he'll allow me to do now though is bake him cookies. His other mom doesn't like to cook. So once in a while I bake him cookies and FedEx them to him!

P.S. Thanks for the hug!

[my2miracles]

LOL!!! I don't like to cook either! I am not quite sure if my daughter's bmom is the cooking/baking type either.

Oh well- she is more than welcome to send anything she wants.

(more hugs)

J

[bromanchik]

The bottom line is that Mom is really not an exclusive term. In this age of blended families there are many children who grow up with more than one mom. That does not mean they do not know who is parenting them. Mom is not one role. It can be many roles. The fact is adoptive children have a mom that gave birth to them and a mom that is raising them.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is not making them choose between claiming you as mom and claiming their birthmom. I am a birthmom whose son is 21. We have had a fully open adoption since the beginning. His mother has always respected me, always acknowledged my place in her our son's life. And he has grown up a better person for it.

[Montraviatommyg]

J

I always think of my son's adoptive parents simply as his parents and I never refer to the term adoptive unless I absolutely have to.

I don't have any other children so didn't think of myself as a mother until I was in reunion with my son. Of I will never take the place of his mother yet on the other hand it is nice being acknowledged as one now.

Pip

[Raina0831]

my2miracles,

I didn't have the greatest relationship with my amom, and still don't, however SHE is the one who raised me. She is "mom". I guess in a sense, I feel obligated to call her that. For a number of different reasons. I think, from what you've said and described, YOU are your daughter's mommy. I have no doubt that you have been and will raise her with the security, love, and caring that she needs. You are, no doubt, her mom. That can't be taken away from a person, it has to be given away. Unfortunately, some amoms do that. Sounds like you are on the right track with your daughter and I'm very happy for you and your family.

My best to you.

Raina

[rapunzel_001]

You're mom. There may be a first mother out there, but mom is the person who raises you with love. I don't think of my parents as adoptive parents- just mom and dad.

[MatthewS]

Originally Posted by heartened

I've not yet met my birth mother and I'm not even sure I ever will. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a "real" mom. Maybe I'll have a good relationship with my birth mother. Maybe she will be the mom I didn't have. But I am prepared to live my entire life without ever having a "real" mom.

Wow. That is so very sad. Everybody deserves to have parents.

[my2miracles]

Originally Posted by rapunzel_001

You're mom. There may be a first mother out there, but mom is the person who raises you with love. I don't think of my parents as adoptive parents- just mom and dad.

Thank you for a simple, yet powerful statement. That's exactly what I was hoping to hear!