[crick]

Mari - thanks for explaining the castle door term!
I've never heard it before. Probably because I didn't have parents who were afraid to let me be my own person.

[bmommel]

The original poster sounds like she is trying to convince herself that she is mom. Why? You are. Birthmoms however are also moms. Adoptees have two moms but only one is parenting them and they have different roles in that child's life. We are ALL real.

Mel

[AMom2Two]

This very subject had me in knots a few years back, but I've learned that I can't control everything.

Our situation is different in which we are in open adoptions with all birthparents. Our children will know both of their mothers and fathers growing up and I am sure, in time, will decide what to call each of us. Right now we just use first names but in time, they will decide.

While I do not like sharing the title Mom (the selfish part of me) it is not my choice and I will not lay my issue's onto my children. The only comfort I take from the titles, is that we feel we will always be the "mommy" and my dh the "daddy".

Our children will decide what they choose to call their birthparents. They will pick the names and we will keep our mouths shut. We want them to love them and be comfortable and feel free to call them any name they should choose to call them. Maybe it will be Mom P or Mom S. I don't know but I am prepared for it and I will support it, despite how I may feel inside.

Silently I do hope and pray that they don't start calling them Mommy and Daddy, but if they do, then we will deal with our sorrow in private, by ourselves without bringing our children into it.

In the meantime, I read these boards and I prepare myself for whatever may come my way.

[marimari]

Crick..I'd not heard of the analogy either of castle doors in reference to keeping us open to experiences until I read the book.
It really has nothing to do specifically with being adopted, it's more about keeping us joyful, open to new experiences, unafraid to open the doors of our lives as we come to them..and then keeping them open. Not only parents are responsible for that, but other significant adults and people...teachers, relatives, etc.

[marimari]

Amom2two...I applaud your effort at trying to find some peace with the who gets called what.
I hope that with time you'll feel secure enough in your relationships that it won't show..the possible hurt. Kids seem to see thru us and pick up on things even if they can't quite verbalize what it is; they see us wince or draw back, so it may be hard at times to cover up how you feel. There is so much more than just the word mom or mommy that goes along with being one...
I am sure it is difficult sharing your children...we tend to get possessive sometimes, even with the opposite parent. In the end, it seems that it might be easier if able to keep in mind that it's about the children, not us, and what keeps them feeling as whole and unencumbered as possible. They'll know who was there for them every step of the way, just as the adoptees have posted here...Maybe just be the best mommy and daddy that you can be and don't worry about competing in anyway with the birth parents for the kid's love, etc. Be yourselves. That will shine through and be forever in the children's hearts.

[timni]

I have thought about this thread over and over. I think it is easier to say it is just semantics then to really feel that way. If your dh called someone else his pet name for you it could very easily end in divorce. So, I understand the word "mom" is a sensitive one. In reality we are all "real" moms. But, the hurt is when as an aparent you feel that you can never be mom in every sense of the word. Which is true, everyone in the triad is in a way giving up the normal child parent relationship. But I think if we take the focus off what we are losing in having to share, we can see how thankful we are to be called mom at all. I personally would not be a mom without dd's bmom and truthfully she would not be a mom without me (unless she chose to parent which in our case was not the other option). I try to focus on those things which are profitable in my life and hopefully I can teach that trait to my dd.

I hope I expressed what I wanted to say here and didn't hurt anyone's feelings as it was not my intention.

[Montraviatommyg]

Timni, your post is lovely ... it is such a sensitive subject.
Pip

[marimari]

Timni...that was a very sensitive post to a very sensitive issue. Yes, both sets of parents do lose something in the process..some may say the child loses, too, and also gains...It is a matter of focusing on what one has rather than not having, which can be tricky to do. For some a-parents the reality of sharing never becomes an issue, for some, such as yourself, the awareness is there, which I think is a good thing. You sem to have a handle on it, which to me shows your generous spirit. What a gift to give your child and to yourself...you are so right, without the set of birthing parents, you'd not be called mom. I am guessing that there will be a part of any adoptive parent that feels a little saddness over the not totally and completly being the parent from the get-go, meaning conception, etc...but that was also a given during the adoption process. It is a wise and introspective parent/person that is able to acknowledge what you have.
You have my utmost respect....

[Shoshana]

Maybe a bit OT, but I wanted to say that unless I am so utterly defended and deluded, I do not think I have lost anything as an a-mother. I know I have loss as an adoptee, and I certainly know Xiomara has as an international, transcultural adoptee. I know my parents suffered a loss greater than infertility since their bio daughter (Janelle) died at 3 of leukemia. Of course, my birthmother suffered many losses that were not totally erased by our reunion.

But me? I chose to adopt, I never had a desire to be pregnant. Yes, I missed the first 3 months of Xiomara's life, but that truly doesn't phase me, or, I don't experience that as a loss.

Back to the original question, and no offense to the original poster -- I really dislike the term "real" mother." Maybe because, to me, it implies some sort of superiority - regardless of the speaker's position in the triad. I remember hearing my birthmom referred to as my "real" mother by friends when I was little -- it was jarring and disconcerting to me. I remember others referring to my a-mom as my "real" mom, as if to minimize the importance of my birth mom. So, I have two mothers -- both of them are different, they have very different roles in my life. My a-mom and I share history together, my b-mom and I share history too, but from I time I do not remember, and our history does not include childhood memories. Anyway, just my 5cents worth

[AMom2Two]

(((Shoshana))

I think when some aparents are in open adoptions, they do feel a loss, more so then those who adopt internationally and are not constantly exposed to the birth family feelings and attitudes.

With open adoption you are constantly being challenged by what you feel. Small things such as an innocent slip like my son's bmom made "please don't allow MY son to do that", makes one feel as if they are not the one in charge of parenting. Seeing your child covered and hugs with kisses by someone you barely know and is very hard. Having them refer to themselves as your chlid's "mommy" is very hard. The day in and out work of having open adoption is draining at time, but we do know we are in this for our children and not ourselves.

I dont' mean to dismiss your thoughts but please be aware that for some of us in open adoption, there is a loss. We all need to acknowledge it and not look down on those of who do feel it, but do not act on it. There are some aparents in open adoption that feel no loss. Those are the one's I truly admire.

[dpen6]

Elizabeth,

You summed it up nicely. Thats exacttly that way it is.....I think the problem is when both moms are trying to figure out their role in childs life. One is no more important or less important then then other. Just vastly different. So I guess it boils down to both moms getting rid of the insecure, and work on the reality of the situation.. the adoptee is theone that can revel in the love of 2 mothers.

Wow...if it were just that easy???

[Shoshana]

(((AMom2Two)))

I absolutely am very aware that many a-parents do experience a loss -- both in closed adoptions and in open adoptions. I have to pipe up when I hear people saying that ALL a-parents experience loss...

Believe it or not, I have found Xiomara's birthmother and extended family. We're in the very early stages of contact. Of course my projections could be wrong, but I still don't think I'll have the 'loss' experience when we meet (and yes, I know this will not be a "typical" open adoption)

Donna -- thanks. Even forgetting my experiences as an a-parent, I just think it's so important for people to deal with and come to terms with these issues -- for the sake of the adoptee. Yes, if only it were easy...

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Shoshana

(((AMom2Two)))

I absolutely am very aware that many a-parents do experience a loss -- both in closed adoptions and in open adoptions. I have to pipe up when I hear people saying that ALL a-parents experience loss...

Believe it or not, I have found Xiomara's birthmother and extended family. We're in the very early stages of contact. Of course my projections could be wrong, but I still don't think I'll have the 'loss' experience when we meet (and yes, I know this will not be a "typical" open adoption)

Donna -- thanks. Even forgetting my experiences as an a-parent, I just think it's so important for people to deal with and come to terms with these issues -- for the sake of the adoptee. Yes, if only it were easy...

Thanks for explaining Shoshana.

The real point I wanted to make was that even tho some of us may feel a loss or do not like to share titles, we accept it and deal with it because we truly do feel it is in our children's best interest. I would always put my children's feelings over mine.

Sometimes, it does feel good to admit that I feel a loss at not being their only mother. It lets the sadness out to admit that, because you really can't admit that to anyone else. I would never admit that to my friends or my family because they would say, why do open adoption. To admit it on the forums, helps me feel that it's okay to feel this way just as long as we deal with our feelings and work thru them and not allow those feeling to hinder the relationships our children establish with the bfamilies.

I'm not perfect and I am working on my issue's. Thanks again for your respectful post back to me!!!!

[AMom2Two]

I went and picked up my daughter from preschool and could not get this thread out of my mind.

I think I came off the wrong way and I am sorry.

I just received an email from my ds bmom this morning and in it, she repeatly refers to our son's bfather as our son's father (our son was conceived by date rape) It's a small thing but when we've talked about it over and over again and it continues to happen, then I'm the one who must accept it. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking a tightrope between keeping all the parties happy, my dh, my ds bmom, my dd bmom, my dd bdad, extended family and such, that I push my feelings aside and they come up at inappropriate times, like now. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with trying to educate my ds bmom. She is very young and because of such, makes small mistakes that I have to over look. Our first meeting was when my son was 6 months old and she just showed up on my doorstep. I feel overwhelmed by this relationship but determined to build a lasting friendship with her. For I truly do like her and want her to be a part of all of this.

My dd bmom is so great. I love her to pieces and she understands the ins and outs of open adoption. I think my ds bmom is still trying to find her spot in all of our lives and I want to help her, but sometimes everything just comes out wrong.

For the record, it was I who choose open adoption. My dd adoption was only semi with pictures and letters. My ds adoption was closed. I opened both of these up because I believe in my childen knowing their birth roots and I wanted a relationship with them also. I feel deeply for them, despite how I may have sounded here.

The talk of titles and who get's called what and who loses in adoption is so silly. I've gained so much that talking of any loss that I feel makes me feel little.

Forgive me for venting on this thread.

(((hugs everyone)))

[Shoshana]

AMom -- Just a "for what it's worth" -- You didn't come across the "wrong way" at all to me. I appreciate your perspective -- some of the things you're coping with do not sound at all easy...