[marimari]

Good post, Robert. That reminds me of something that I read years ago, not only in relation to adoption, but many things.
When a child falls, frequently we'll say something like, get up, that didn't hurt, or you're OK, you're a big girl/boy...we deny the pain the child is feeling. Another possible response is..wow, that must have hurt, huh...that's cool how you can still get up and play, etc. after a fall like that or whatever...When the child is sad or questioning about the b-mom or even as an infant experiencing distress...it's important to acknowledge and validate like, oh, I see that you are sad, it's Ok that you may miss your first mother or whatever. The point is to not close the door for the child, to not encourage denial of their feelings about whatever. Whether a physical pain, failing a test, or whatever. Each time we shut the child off, we deny them the experience of honest emotion and self-expression.
If we think about it, in our own lives, many times we don't expect anyone to swoop in and fix everything, we usually just want someone to say with us, yes, that sucked...validation..then we feel more free to go on.
Adoptive/foster parents have a big job in being aware of the sadness that their child may feel...the infants vocal skills may not be there, but the impressions are forever marked on them. It's up to us as parents to not encourage their sense of loss, but to allow them to feel it, to acknowledge their pains, their joys, etc, so they can be more whole as individuals and trust themselves enough to grow up emotionally honest. It's not about us as parents, it's about the children.

[RobertHafetz]

Its impossible to imagine that a baby can be removed from its birth mother and not be affetced. It's also reasonable to assume that adoptees have variations in how they deal with this separation. There are some who are more resiliant than others and will cope effectively and others who cant cope at all. Children will either act out or deny(disasociate) those are the only skills they have. Adoptees adopted at older ages will also have a different grasp of the separation as they can think in more complex terms han an infant whose mind is not developed. Its important to state that while no adoptee is unaffected by breaking the mother/child bond, no adoptee is automatically a victim because of it either. We are what we are and adversity makes us stronger as long as we face it. When I hear from adoptees who constantly proclaim they are just fineit makes me wonder because no one asked. Many adoptees become so invested in disasociating from their grief that they would prefer not to resolve it. You have to respect that its their life. That being said, those of us with the insight to want to know more of what we are and feel should explore with all vigor and intensity what makes us tick. Those of you who are fine can continue to be fine. That works for me.

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by marimari

Good post, Robert. That reminds me of something that I read years ago, not only in relation to adoption, but many things.
When a child falls, frequently we'll say something like, get up, that didn't hurt, or you're OK, you're a big girl/boy...we deny the pain the child is feeling. Another possible response is..wow, that must have hurt, huh...that's cool how you can still get up and play, etc. after a fall like that or whatever...When the child is sad or questioning about the b-mom or even as an infant experiencing distress...it's important to acknowledge and validate like, oh, I see that you are sad, it's Ok that you may miss your first mother or whatever. The point is to not close the door for the child, to not encourage denial of their feelings about whatever. Whether a physical pain, failing a test, or whatever. Each time we shut the child off, we deny them the experience of honest emotion and self-expression.
If we think about it, in our own lives, many times we don't expect anyone to swoop in and fix everything, we usually just want someone to say with us, yes, that sucked...validation..then we feel more free to go on.
Adoptive/foster parents have a big job in being aware of the sadness that their child may feel...the infants vocal skills may not be there, but the impressions are forever marked on them. It's up to us as parents to not encourage their sense of loss, but to allow them to feel it, to acknowledge their pains, their joys, etc, so they can be more whole as individuals and trust themselves enough to grow up emotionally honest. It's not about us as parents, it's about the children.

Its one thing when a child denies their pain, after all they are childeren and have a limited ability to cope, but when an adult denies the child's pain then we are getting into a moral question. Does an adult have the moral right to deny a childs expression of grief because it makes the adult feel uncomfortable? Thank you for your insight miramari you hit the nail on the head. Its not about the adult its about the adoptee.

[cute]

 It's not about us as parents, it's about the children.

Well said mari!!!
Robert your post was very good.
It is about all children whether adopted or not.
Each child(person) has the right to be all they can be and are most surely entitled to thier own feelings.
Children adopted or not are ours for a short time and part of good parenting IMHO is to set them free to be all they can be.
I personally do believe babies know from where they came.My signature says it for me! Sandra

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by cute

 It's not about us as parents, it's about the children.

Well said mari!!!
Robert your post was very good.
It is about all children whether adopted or not.
Each child(person) has the right to be all they can be and are most surely entitled to thier own feelings.
Children adopted or not are ours for a short time and part of good parenting IMHO is to set them free to be all they can be.
I personally do believe babies know from where they came.My signature says it for me! Sandra

"A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be at peace with himself.

What a man can be, he must be. This is the need we may call self-actualization.

It refers to man's desire for fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually what he is potentially: to become everything that one is capable being."
Abraham Maslow

[cute]

MY2Miracles: You started this thread but we are not hearing back from you.I would like to hear back from you.Interesting posting here.Cute

[cin1boz]

You are mother. I'm an adoptee, 53 years old. I found my birth mother, 90 years old, and two siblings in 2004. I believe in my whole heart that having that blank page filled in can only make one whole, no matter the circumstances. My birth mother would not have made a good mother. Giving birth does not make one a mother. I am thankful though for the opportunity to talk to her, to see her and to have made a difference in helping her at this late age assuring her that she made the right decision, to alliviate some of her guilt, for her to see that I'm OK, that I'm not angry with her. I have also found two siblings, and I do call them siblings. They had no choice of my adoption, and we are all 3 thrilled to have found one another. My mom and dad were just that, my mom and dad, they gave me a good life and I was loved. No other person can take their place or the place of my adoptive aunt, cousins, brothers etc. No one can cancel out that already established family. Having found my birth family has just added to my joy and given me the answers I needed.

[my2miracles]

Originally Posted by cute

my2miracles :I would like to ask you a question if I may.
When your daughter becomes of age & decides she would like to know her heritage(b/mom).What are your feelings on that?Just curious.. Cute

Cute-

I'm still here. Sorry for not responding sooner

Anyway- I would have absolutely NO problem with my daughter wanting to know her birthmom. Since I have all of the identifying information, finding her will be easy.

I think it's very important to know where you come from, who you are, & what your bloodline is. It is an integral part of what makes a person a person.

[marimari]

My2miracles...not to make light of your post, but my first reaction was "just like a puppy"...find out the ancestry, bloodlines.

If and when they should meet, please be prepared that it may be more than just knowledge; there is the possibility of a gut connection. Again, reunions can be pretty powerful. Of course, it may be a moot point for your daughter, and not something she will want to pursue.

I am sure that you will always encourage her and keep her castle doors open to the possibilities that await her.

[crick]

marimari - hmmm...just asking because I'm not sure if you meant it offensively or not...but your reference to "castle doors"? Was that a crack at child being "locked up" in the "castle" by aparents? Or "fantasy world" she lives in?

Honestly confused....so would appreciate knowing what you meant.

Thanks!

[marimari]

Oh, no...no crack at all. I'd read a book a while back, can't remember the author nor the title, but in it she referred to all the times we shut one of our castle doors. It's like this, when we are born, we have a huge castle and each time we are shot down for lets say doing something silly or made fun of or whatever..not normal stuff like look both ways when crossing the street...anyway, the end result for most of us is that we end up closing our castle doors and living in a two bdrm house...when we started off with so many possibilities. Figuratively, either our castle doors get shut for us, so we don't dare open them again, or we do it eventually ourselves...kind of like Robert's post, we don't live up to our potential, our possibilities. We end up living in fear or with fears, which are quite often reinforced by our parents, who don't want us to go too far away or are afraid they'll lose us...like we are possessions kept behind one of those locked doors. We aren't, nor are our children that we take care of, regardless of whether we are the legal guardian, the first and only parent, or the adoptive parent.
Our goals need to include keeping as many castle doors open as possible....

[manni28]

I'm adopted and my aparents are my parents period. I’ve met my bmom but she IS NOT my mother. My mother is the one that raised me, I’m fortunate to have met my bmom but I felt NO connect. Not to discount anyone’s feelings but I've heard some much about connect and bond but I felt none( other adoptees I have spoken with also have felt nothing)! But, I guess, each person is different.

To the bmoms on this forum do you all have a mother/ adult child relationship with your bchild-do they call you mother or mom;do you have a friendship like relationship or are you like related strangers, I'm curious?

[marimari]

While I can understand your position and respect that you honor the parents that raised you as your only parents, not all adoptees feel as you do, for whatever reasons. Your parents are blessed to have you.

When I had the first phone call with the son i had, i did NOT expect to feel connected at all..it was beyond my wildest dream to expect that. I thought it'd be about medical information, a few life highlights..that was all.
Well, I did immediately like him, but it was I who warned of having no expectations...we exchanged some photos via the 'net. My daughters were with me for that first chat and we went and took some photos and developed them with one-hour processing so to be able to send him some as he had done for us.
The look on my face says it all...while I felt reserved, etc...my face doesn't conceal a thing..I am estatic!
But, i was still feeling reserved...then he called two nites later...that was it..I was "in"...we were very connected. He came out two weeks later..again, I was trying to be reserved...there was something more than meeting a person that I immediately liked...much deeper, words don't quite do justice, and I know he felt it, too...you should see his pictures that were taken here with us... As he was going thru security, he bent down to give me ahug...his whole body was quivering with the tears he was trying to hold inside.My reserve held until he walked away...we most definately connected. He was in his early 30's...so has had some life experiences as well as was open to the discovery of parts of himself.
It has not all been rosey...we've had our struggles due to conflicts with in his immediate circle...not everyone was happy for him to meet me and his sisters here. He backed off for awhile..in his own words, he was keeping the peace. We have moved beyond that as of the past few months...their feelings are just that..theirs. He does want to be a son of mine, for which I am so grateful; words can't express what and how I feel about that. But, i recognize that he has parents..actually, a bunch as his parents remarried and divorced and remarried.
He has called me "mom' which was huge for me at the time...huge! He now usually just calls me Marimom..I love it..I did not ask to be called anything..I would not cross that line.
I do correspond with a few adoptees who have had amazing parents. but they still long for their first mothers. The fact that you feel nothing really, that's cool. I am surprised that most adoptees that you know feel that way. Sometimes all one adoptee needs to hear is that it's OK to feel a longing or whatever from another adoptee..and know it's not a betrayal of your parents to love someone else, too...we have great capacities for love and in thsi day in age of blending and mending families, i sure hope that we all do as our family connections seem to be expanding due to divorces and remarrying..all sorts of blended families that I hope can get along well and reach out to one another. Otherwise our family units will be in serious trouble, as will society in general.
Again, the fact that you feel nothing, while that surprises me and even saddens me...that is yours to feel.

[Montraviatommyg]

manni28,

My son calls me mum which pleasantly surprised me as he had started off by calling me by my first name and it isn't something we discussed. Our relationship is quite close even though I didn't bring him up and it was important to him that I acknowledge he is my son/I am his mum. I didn't have a problem with this and he has the attitude that he has two mums.

Pip

[niandca]

Originally Posted by my2miracles

I have spent the past 2 days & nights with my feverish daughter crying in my ears, vomiting in her crib (on on herself) & clinging to my neck.

It did not matter to me that I got no sleep. All that mattered was that my baby needed me.

She just turned a year old on December 12th. As I look back upon the year, I am so grateful to have her in my life as my daughter. She is my miracle girl-my baby, my daughter... and I am her mother.

I have been lucky enough to see & experience all of my daughter's milestones. I am the one she cries for in the middle of the night. I am the one she calls for first thing in the morning. The very first word she ever said was "mama".

In addition, I am the one she holds her arms up to be picked up. I am the one who gets her delicious sparkly smiles and infectious gigles. I am the one who gets all the mushy huggies and swee kissies.

I am also the one she comes to when she is tired and cranky. I am the one she comes to when she wants a bath, or a story read, or a boo boo fixed, or if she just wants a mommy hug.

As any mother would, I am the one who feeds her, cleans her, makes sure she is up to date with all of her shots, keeps her safe, warm, happy and most importantly LOVED and ADORED.

Now, I will never discount her bmom. She is the one who brought my little girl into this world. But she is not her mother. I am... aren't I? (of course I am- but..)

I end it like that because of all the posts I read regarding birthmoms and amoms. One post in particular blows my mind. It is something about missing her mom. Well- where is her mom? Doesn't she has one? Or is her amom not her mom?

I guess it confuses me and or disheartens me when I read these types of posts. I can assure you that besides myself and all of my friends who have also adopted- we feel like your real mothers because we ARE.

Best regards,
J

Your child is still so young so the adoption must be too. Perhaps you are still wrestling with some insecurities. It's kind of hard for me to find the right words (dh would fall over lol). We had to wait a long time for our adoption during which there were plenty of reminders that I was not the "real" mom. Baby had NO problem knowing who Mom is. It was me that was insecure...maybe insecure is not even the word I should use. Even after the finalization, I was a little afraid to feel like the "real mom"...except that I had always felt like her mom...very confusing sort of jumbled about vague thoughts.

I feel like I understand what you're talking about. Over time, when that feeling came on, dd would get an extra hug, kiss, snuggle so that I could assure MYSELF that I was Mom. I did see it for what it was, fortunately, & was able to deal with it without projecting my fears onto my child. Again...fears may not be the most accurate word.

My insecure feelings did not vanish overnight, but as dd grew and her love/attachment for me began to be based more on emotion (rather than the provision of care), it was easy to let go of my "baggage".