[Babyangel]

I have always considered my adoptive mum as my real mum and I always will. My birth mum is exactly that, the mum that gave birth to me.

Mum to me is the person that stayed up all night with me ill as a child, was there for me the first time my heart was broken, was the one that I turned to for advice after I had my daughter, even now, I am 33, I still turn to her and she still wipes my tears and makes me smile.

So I would say you are a real mum in every way .

Good Luck

Auds

[Amy2U]

I have to agree with heartened. My amother basically told me, "you are no longer our responsibility once you're 18." Along with all the physical and emotional abuse throughout the years, in my heart, she is NOT MY MOTHER. My afather, it was his choice to adopt me, and he cherished me as his own. My birth mother wants nothing to do with me, so. . . I have one father, and NO MOTHER. I wish all adopted moms were like you with such compassion and love. I have a "friendship" like relationship with my amother, now, but not a close, lovey dovey mommy/daughter relationship, and never will.

[marimari]

Amy2u...you raise a valid point...there are a lot of couples that adopted that did not both really want to parent a child...they maybe thought that they could..it was kind of a fad almost for awhile..and then when they realize that this child isn't how thery expected or the child didn't fix their marriage or tthe child actually took quite a bit of their time..whatever...they stopped investing of themselves. I know aparents who take little responsibility for the child who doesn't turn out amazing..the b-mom's fault; if the child is very good, their credit...people forget when adopting they are getting a bundle of unknown genetic material....
Some people are not parent material...I am sad that there are many children in all types of families getting the short end of the stick. I am more irked when it's in a family that was s'posed to be better than the b-mom...who ever knows?
May I add that the amoms did the dirty work...they also got the loves back. Being a mom is not all hardship, for heaven's sake!!

[bonbon911]

I am now 35 years old and have a sister that is also adopted. Our parents told us at a young age that we were adopted (we were adopted separately).

My Mom and Dad are the ones that took care of me when I was young, who stood by me when I needed strength, discipline me and who continue to applaud me when I do well.

I am proud of who I am today and owe everything to my parents.

[wilted rose]

Yes you are there for her physically, and emotionally, presently.That is worth an awful lot. The thing is we cannot become unborn. We may not for some reason be able to be primary caregiver but the women that bore us never unbecome our mothers, ever.

[krajewskim]

My 6 year old son said something yesterday that just about broke my heart. He came to live with us when he was 23 mos. old. We were friends with his Bmom and were trying to help her keep him. When it became evident that she couldn't, she signed him over to us. We always believed she tried her best and loved him and so we decided to have an open adoption (send letters, gifts, pics). Anyway, she sent him his Christmas/birthday gifts and we picked them up at the post office. I said, "Are you a lucky little boy to have 2 mommies who love you so much?!" And he says, "Yeah, I have my real mom and I have..(pause while he thinks)....you." I could have cried. She neglected him, didn't even feed or bathe him some days. She tried to abort him and put him in dangerous places. That's why DHHR took him anyway! Why does she get to be the "real mom"?!! I was the one who dealt with the after affects of all the neglect, the sexual abuse, the developmental delays. I'm the one who sat up with him all night when he was scared. She was the one who would just leave him at a restaurant and disappear for months at a time! I know most bmoms here are wonderful and she really is too. She was just young and her parents were even worse!, but why doesn't my baby think I'm his "real" mom? Sorry, just had to vent. It really hurts.

[kimber vc]

I also met my "baby" boy at age 34! I have also "allowed" myself to feel like his mother. I was totally unprepared for all of the buried emotions!

His a-mom does have top billing. She did a wonderful job of raising an awsome son.

[marimari]

I'll bet that did hurt to hear him say that!
A six year old perception of his six year old world.
It sounds like his first mother had her share of problems; it's wonderful that you all tried to help her out.
At first I thought that she really did try, but then it sounded more like she had her own stuff going on and neglected him. I can see that parts of you are torn by her behaviors.
He was with her til he was almost two, so he has memories of her, a sense of her in his life...more
real ones than an infant, altho I have read that infants have a knowing, too.
It is but a word, a word he used to distinguish between the two of you...she is "real" to him, but so are you. Try to get past the word itself. You'll only hurt yourself and feel bitterness maybe, too, because of it. That won't serve you well as a mother, whether the first or second. What matters is how you feel about this child and how you look at your role in his life. It's difficult to expect a six yr old to understand what has happened and that he may owe you for his current good fortune in his life; surely you don't expect him to feel grateful, you wanted him...you knew his first mother and wanted to help her while you also were able to fill something within you...that's pretty cool...
the reality is, tho, that he knows her, he remembers her. He lives with you now, but that can't erase all that is in his heart. Thankfully our hearts seem to be big enough to accommodate many people.
Your hurt is not to be diminished, but to find perspective. You are real, so is she...so is he.

[Montraviatommyg]

krajewskim,

Loads of hugs as you ARE his mum simply because you have been there for him to deal with the good and bad. His bmother is his other mother but feel good about what you have done as you have cared about him.

Pip

[eyejustam]

Two of my son's came to live with us when they were 9 & 7. I never adopted them. But they are still my son's. They call me mom and call their mother - mother. They lived with us for 10 years then went back to visit their mother (who had no rules). They are now 25 & 24. They came and stayed here for a year (2004 - 2005). They worked at the same job and while visiting a co-worker said something about staying with their mom and dad. Well the discussion turned to "I thought you lived in CA with your mother" They then started to explain to the guy the following "our mother lives in CA, our mom and dad live here" he asked them "why do you call your stepmother mom?" the answer "because she is our mom, she's the one who loves us unconditionally, she taught us how to do everything, she made sure we are loved, had clean clothes, clean sheets, lots of food to eat and clothes that fit, she took us to the doctor and the dentist and made us behave and go to church, made sure we did our best in school and never let us use our ADHD as an excuse for anything." the guy said wow man thats what moms do" and they said "yeah, we know, thats why she is our mom and our mother is our mother, our mother gave us life, our mom taught us how to live life" I can't describe the feelings I felt to hear the guys say that. The youngest (24) is still struggling with issues related to his mother. The oldest(25) is graduating from Navy bootcamp on February 3. His dream since he was 9. His dream crushed by his mother who from his 18th birthday until he came back to live with us in 2004 who told him he was dumb and stupid and would never be anything. He is reaching for his dream and is top in his graduating class. And as a side note, he called us after two weeks in bootcamp and said thank you for being so tough on him and expecting things from him.
I have never said anything negative to them about their mother. They remember the life they had before they came to live with us. I never asked them to call me mom, they asked me when they had been living with us about 4 months. I told them that it was up to them, I couldn't take the place of their mother, they only had one mother, so they asked if they could call me mom. And I have been mom ever since.

[kim771]

Hi!

Just thought I'd respond to your post. It sort of touched a newve with me. I am 36 and was adopted at birth. My adoptive parents ARE my real mother and my real father. They are the ones who love me for who I am and have supported me my whole life. My biological parents are not my "real" parents...they are not even really "parents" in my book. They are the ones who gave birth to me but that is it! A true parent is one who is there throughout your life...in good times and in bad. I love my parents more than anything in this world. I am sure your daughter will feel the same...so don't worry! You sound like a good person...how do you love someone you don't even know? I am searching for my biological parents but my parents know this and I always tell everyone...I HAVE parents...I am just curious to meet the people who I might look like and are physically related to. I hope I didn't babble too much! You can ask me anything you want about being adopted!!! Good luck and don't worry!!

Originally Posted by my2miracles

I have spent the past 2 days & nights with my feverish daughter crying in my ears, vomiting in her crib (on on herself) & clinging to my neck.

It did not matter to me that I got no sleep. All that mattered was that my baby needed me.

She just turned a year old on December 12th. As I look back upon the year, I am so grateful to have her in my life as my daughter. She is my miracle girl-my baby, my daughter... and I am her mother.

I have been lucky enough to see & experience all of my daughter's milestones. I am the one she cries for in the middle of the night. I am the one she calls for first thing in the morning. The very first word she ever said was "mama".

In addition, I am the one she holds her arms up to be picked up. I am the one who gets her delicious sparkly smiles and infectious gigles. I am the one who gets all the mushy huggies and swee kissies.

I am also the one she comes to when she is tired and cranky. I am the one she comes to when she wants a bath, or a story read, or a boo boo fixed, or if she just wants a mommy hug.

As any mother would, I am the one who feeds her, cleans her, makes sure she is up to date with all of her shots, keeps her safe, warm, happy and most importantly LOVED and ADORED.

Now, I will never discount her bmom. She is the one who brought my little girl into this world. But she is not her mother. I am... aren't I? (of course I am- but..)

I end it like that because of all the posts I read regarding birthmoms and amoms. One post in particular blows my mind. It is something about missing her mom. Well- where is her mom? Doesn't she has one? Or is her amom not her mom?

I guess it confuses me and or disheartens me when I read these types of posts. I can assure you that besides myself and all of my friends who have also adopted- we feel like your real mothers because we ARE.

Best regards,
J

[bonbon911]

Krajewskim...wait. Give it ALOT of time. You are going to feel alot of hurt over the years. I know. I'm adopted. I'm 35 now....but I can tell you that until I was about 15, I didn't verbally tell my parents that they were the best. I used the birthmom and birthdad thing during my teen years to make them hurt. You'll be appreciated.

[heartened]

For all you adoptive moms - please do yourselves (and more importantly, your children) an enormous favor and pick up the book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge.

I finished reading it today. It is an amazing book.

The author does a wonderful job of explaining some of the confusion an adopted child feels over their identity and how they are related to those around them.

One of the things I really like about this author is that she's not talking about adult adoptees who "need to be fixed" like some of the other books do. She's talking about simple ways of taking a proactive approach in understanding some of the things your child may be experiencing but is utterly unable to communicate.

Kids use phrases like "real mom" because it is the only language they know. Young children have no idea what "biological" means. They have maybe a very vague idea of what "birth" entails. So the closest terminology they have is "real." Consider - what must your child have heard someone else say that has caused them to assign the moniker of "real" to the woman who bore them? They did not just create the concept out of thin air. Something that has been said in their presence has been interpreted in their undeveloped minds as equating to "real". What might that be? How can you teach them that "real" is not really an accurate label? They are misusing the word and don't even know it.

I still remember using that same terminology as a kid. It wasn't ever in an anger statement like "You're not my real mother," I was too terrified of my adoptive parents to ever say such a thing. But it was the term I used in conversations to differentiate between my adoptive and birth mothers. Because I did not have other language to use. Once I did, once I could understand the complexities of words like "biological" or "birth," I was able to communicate more accurately.

[cute]

my2miracles :I would like to ask you a question if I may.
When your daughter becomes of age & decides she would like to know her heritage(b/mom).What are your feelings on that?Just curious.. Cute

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by my2miracles

I have spent the past 2 days & nights with my feverish daughter crying in my ears, vomiting in her crib (on on herself) & clinging to my neck.

It did not matter to me that I got no sleep. All that mattered was that my baby needed me.

She just turned a year old on December 12th. As I look back upon the year, I am so grateful to have her in my life as my daughter. She is my miracle girl-my baby, my daughter... and I am her mother.

I have been lucky enough to see & experience all of my daughter's milestones. I am the one she cries for in the middle of the night. I am the one she calls for first thing in the morning. The very first word she ever said was "mama".

In addition, I am the one she holds her arms up to be picked up. I am the one who gets her delicious sparkly smiles and infectious gigles. I am the one who gets all the mushy huggies and swee kissies.

I am also the one she comes to when she is tired and cranky. I am the one she comes to when she wants a bath, or a story read, or a boo boo fixed, or if she just wants a mommy hug.

As any mother would, I am the one who feeds her, cleans her, makes sure she is up to date with all of her shots, keeps her safe, warm, happy and most importantly LOVED and ADORED.

Now, I will never discount her bmom. She is the one who brought my little girl into this world. But she is not her mother. I am... aren't I? (of course I am- but..)

I end it like that because of all the posts I read regarding birthmoms and amoms. One post in particular blows my mind. It is something about missing her mom. Well- where is her mom? Doesn't she has one? Or is her amom not her mom?

I guess it confuses me and or disheartens me when I read these types of posts. I can assure you that besides myself and all of my friends who have also adopted- we feel like your real mothers because we ARE.

Best regards,
J

Every adoptee has two real mothers and no power on earth can erase, that truth. You are the parent and youre attachment with your adopted child is not any better or worse than the bond your child shares with her birth mother. They both are a part of her. Fear and denile of the psychological presence of the birth mother by the adoptive mother only harms your child and divides your family. It doesnt matter how much you love and support your child or how good your home is, there will always be an unbreakable bond connecting birth mother and her child. A bond that will not diminish with distance time or death. Consider that a child is physically, and emotionally connected to its mother for 9 months of gestation. Then after the physical, birth the emergence of the childs self starts its gestation. The infant learns to trust, love and be loved by interaction with the birth mother. Erik Erikson calls this first stage of developmentTrust VS mistrust and its crucial in the normal development of a human beings self esteem, ego, and identity. Adoption disrupts this process before its complete and will have life long effects on the child. Children only have two ways to cope with stress; they can act out or dissasociate(supress) When an adopted child starts asking about her real mother( I hate that term all all the mothers are real) she is trying to cope with the grief of being separated from her birth mother. This is not the time for selfish fear and jealously, this is the time for love understanding and compassion. Infants have good memories and they remember the moment when their birth mother is no longer there. They remember forever in the form of profound grief and when it tries to come to the surface thats time to help.