[akcskye]

THANK YOU.

I am just glad that it's not just me that "gets it".

And you're right Shadow, I have NEVER considered my children to be a burden. Our adoption is closed (so this also is not a "burden"), but I am completely supportive of a reunion if my children desire to when they are adult.

My only stipulations are that my oldest has to be 20 (which will make her brother 18, a legal adult, too...I don't want him to be at such a crucial point in his life and his birth mom come back into the picture, which, if daughter searched at 18, he would be just 16 and that's emotional enough without a reunion), and that I am allowed to be at the first meeting.

This is only because I want to make sure birth mom isn't in the same "shape" she was when the kids left...what mother wouldn't want to ensure the same crap wasn't going on?

But again, thank you, you don't know how much that means for people on varying sides of the triad to understand what I'm saying without a backlash on a few "misinterpretations".

[legal]

"I watch the titles of those forums, but choose carefully if I read. The levels of frustration, pain, anger, and difficulty of the moms, who adopt special needs, and from foster, is extremely difficult for an adoptee to read and not be triggered in some way." shadow


Shadow, I agree. Both of our boys were special needs from fostercare and I can't fathom as an adoptee (the trigger thing) how to deal with these comments and will not do it myself ever on the forums. Just one of my triggers, and the forum is called relating to adoptees here and I thought it was okay to admit to being one.I am both and can't erase that.

[healingfeeling]

Originally Posted by legal

Shadow, I agree. Both of our boys were special needs from fostercare and I can't fathom as an adoptee (the trigger thing) how to deal with these comments and will not do it myself ever on the forums. Just one of my triggers, and the forum is called relating to adoptees here and I thought it was okay to admit to being one.I am both and can't erase that.

legal, i agree. i can't help if i get triggered by certain wording used multiple times (on an adoptee forum). my adoption was not the usual infant relinquishment either. i was adopted at age 5 and did have contact with my biofather's family up until about age 2.

also, kristi, i'm glad to see that you're open to a reunion. honestly though, i would never have been able to bring my adad or mom to meet my biodad. reunion is so personal and emotions are all over that place and i know that would have been more stressful for me than reunion already is. i almost fainted and threw up on the way to mine ! and yes, my biodad was and is still into drugs. my husband was with me and it went very well.

[BethVA62]

I get it too

I also get that all kinds of mom's catch similar grief. I did with my kids, and adoption wasn't even in the picture with them (other than my own)

There have been times in my mom life when I've gotten so frustrated and tired of it all I thought I'd loose it.
And when I've "complained" outloud about some of the burdens or crosses to bear (difficulties, austere work, stresses, problems, what ever words you choose) that come with motherhood, many respond with -
You chose to have children, can't complain about it now, even if it's not what you thought it'd be....
arrggg
thank goodness some resonded with support like - hang in there it goes by fast, this is just a stage, it's just the power struggle, things will change soon, they will grow out of it or past it, they will be in college before you know it, it's normal to feel that way - I did, you'll have all the time for yourself once they grow up, I agree you're mother in-law will just have to realize she is not in charge- lol, etc. etc. ....man were they right!

And I got it from other women when deciding to work outside the home or not, shouldh't have had them if you want to work, or if you don't want to leave them in daycare, should have thought about that before you made the decision to be a mom, you have no right to complain now, you have to do what's best for the kids, they are all important, it's not about you

I think some people are just mean and thoughtless and some clueless and stuck in 1955!
So I can only imagine that when adoption is added in the mix, a mom gets this attitude even more.

As an individual adoptee attempting to respond to or explain the burden or cross to bear trigger. yes it's a trigger for me too lol
When ever I hear that, I immediatley think.... whoa, wait a minute, I never chose or asked to carry anything, no crosses, no baggage, no burdens, no decisions or choices were made on my end. nada. I was just kind of minding my own business, took no actions, yet I am here anyway lol don't pull me into this one, it's not the same.

But because I have experienced the "hey mom you chose it and really have no right to complain" thing, I try not to say that! even tho it does cross my mind every dang time which is really aggravating to me.

Not trying to trigger or upset anyone, just trying to talk about it
It's a miracle to me that with all these triggers that most of us here somehow manage to carry on interesting and helpful discussions with out strangling each other
Beth

[suzie3309]

Hi there

I am an adoptee. i want you to know i use AMom and Bmom to distinguish simply as it can get confusing.

However, my Mom is my adoptive mom. the mom who raised me and loved me. who was there my first day of school, my graduation etc.....

My Bmom is simply the woman who gave birth to me. the word mom is not ment in any way to mean mother, just a phrase.

your son is YOUR son. but adoptees have two mothers the one who gave birth and the one that REALLY matters.

saying that i think you need to realise that there was a woman that gave birth who was in essance at one point a mother..good or bad. it NEVER retracts what you and those like you are. mothers that love THEIR children. without you the world would be all that more tragic.

the difference only comes into play in these kinds of forums and the emothions that they play on. i like to think that my bmom means exactly that birth mom and amom to me simply means love....

[loveis]

For me, both of my Moms REALLY matter, I love them both, in very different ways but they are BOTH my Moms! Talk to them both every day. My amom does not even really address my reunion, which is OK, I get it, but she will make comments every so often if it is brought up, like "I am the Real Mom". To me that is just playing the guilt card. My relationship with my bmom takes NOTHING away from my amom, I can love two Moms, just like my Amom can love her 3 kids! This is all way too hard to play the "real mom" game and the one who REALLY matters game, I don't have the energy for it, I just want to live my life loving my two Moms, SERIOULSY if that is the worst thing I do in my life than oh well! I didn't choose adoption, but I will choose who I love!

[BethVA62]

Jealousy, guilt, anger and possesiveness are not love.

No matter who gives their love to us, True happiness is when love comes out of us, there is no room for fear based emotions when you are living life through love.

[epenn922]

Originally Posted by BethVA62

Jealousy, guilt, anger and possesiveness are not love.

No matter who gives their love to us, True happiness is when love comes out of us, there is no room for fear based emotions when you are living life through love.

Well said.

[manni28]

Jealousy, guilt, anger and possesiveness are not love.

No matter who gives their love to us, True happiness is when love comes out of us, there is no room for fear based emotions when you are living life through love.

Beth:


With all do respect, as an adoptee, can I say something? Our amoms ( especially the ones for the closed era) had to put up with a lot! They had to face "pity and scorn" because in society's eyes their bodies were "broken", and as women they were no good because they couldn't reproduce. They then adopted us and loved and protected us " as if" we were born to them.

My amom told me how people would talk about their children and then dismiss her when she would talk about me! Plenty of times she was dismissed as not "really being a mom". And, if you know my awesome mom, she didn't take it lightly! In fact, I'm sure she cussed them out, and can you blame her? She has been MY mother from day one. She and dad my has been/are my my biggest fans and supporters. Just like I am for my two boys ( one is bio, the other adopted). So can you blame the amom for feeling a "little bit" insecure when reunion is mentioned? All her parental life she has been told she's not " a real mom ( which is b.s)" or the family unit isn't "legit... because". So cut amoms a break because they have endured a lot....and that includes welcoming and loving US as their own child.

An adoptee of two very loving and wonderful parents,

Manni

[BethVA62]

Manni,
I love the AMoms. I love and have respect for all the Mothers, especially myself.

There is much written, by many, about fear based and love based emotions. The details of it are plentiful.

Some say just as your body is made by cells, your perception of your life is made up by emotions. There are two main sources of those emotions. One is fear and all the emotions that come with fear, and the other is love, and all the emotions that come with love.

You can live your life on the track of love or the track of fear and make your decisions in the track of love or the track of fear.

That track of fear leads me to feel many of the fear based emotions, anger, guilt, jealousy, and all sorts of bad feelings. There isn't much happiness in fear.

The track of love takes me to all the good stuff that love, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, respect and many other love emotions can bring to my life.


Just sharing

[manni28]

Manni,
I love the AMoms. I love and have respect for all the Mothers, especially myself.

There is much written, by many, about fear based and love based emotions. The details of it are plentiful.

Some say just as your body is made by cells, your perception of your life is made up by emotions. There are two main sources of those emotions. One is fear and all the emotions that come with fear, and the other is love, and all the emotions that come with love.

You can live your life on the track of love or the track of fear and make your decisions in the track of love or the track of fear.

That track of fear leads me to feel many of the fear based emotions, anger, guilt, jealousy, and all sorts of bad feelings. There isn't much happiness in fear.

The track of love takes me to all the good stuff that love, forgiveness, compassion, acceptance, respect and many other love emotions can bring to my life.

Just sharing

Beth:

I agree with what you wrote ( it's very true), but I wrote what I said because it's seems many times the amoms feelings are dismissed( not by you per say). Like I said before, many amoms have had to "prove" themselves as "legit mothers". So I understand why she maybe come "insecure" when reunion is mentioned, but it doesn't mean her feeling don't count. After all she has loved and raised the child as her own, and like any good mother, she has a right to have her feelings acknowledged.

I remember after I had my first born ( and I had gotten to know my bparents) I asked my aparents out of respect if, down the road, would they be comfortable "sharing" the titles of "Gma & Gpa"? I asked them because I wanted to know how they would feel about it? If they weren't comfortable, my bparents would be known by their first names. My point is, like Amylynn said, it would hurt her as an amom to have to share the title ( I wouldn't like it either) so I made sure MY parents and their feelings were priority. They are the only parents I know, and they come first.


Pleasure talking to you!

Manni

[akcskye]

Manni,

That is something I hadn't considered until you brought it up (sharing the GMA title).

And, at first glance, I was like "oh HECK no"...then I was like "well, if she's changed it may be okay". Then I was back to HECK NO!

This is something all amoms have to endure.

I cannot walk the path of a birth mom, having never been one, to know what it's like to lose your child. I can only walk my path, the one that I couldn't have a child, but wanted to be a mother. For this, I will give my heart and soul to my children. But, allow me to be hurt if I'm compared to your birth mom, and allow me to rejoice with you if your birth mom has changed and life is good for her.

Don't automatically judge me on what preconceived notions about adoptive moms are out there (jealous, guilt layers) and recognize that as a PERSON, yes, I will get jealous when you give your birth mom some of your time (just like you would if your Best Friend hung out with another friend) and that doesn't make me a lesser person or a dictator...it just means I love you and I have emotions and feelings just like any other person.

[BethVA62]

Originally Posted by manni28

Beth:

I agree with what you wrote ( it's very true), but I wrote what I said because it's seems many times the amoms feelings are dismissed( not by you per say). Like I said before, many amoms have had to "prove" themselves as "legit mothers". So I understand why she maybe come "insecure" when reunion is mentioned, but it doesn't mean her feeling don't count. After all she has loved and raised the child as her own, and like any good mother, she has a right to have her feelings acknowledged.

I remember after I had my first born ( and I had gotten to know my bparents) I asked my aparents out of respect if, down the road, would they be comfortable "sharing" the titles of "Gma & Gpa"? I asked them because I wanted to know how they would feel about it? If they weren't comfortable, my bparents would be known by their first names. My point is, like Amylynn said, it would hurt her as an amom to have to share the title ( I wouldn't like it either) so I made sure MY parents and their feelings were priority. They are the only parents I know, and they come first.


Pleasure talking to you!

Manni

I understand Manni
I too feel that my amom and dad come first in my group of mothers and fathers, no doubt, and my other mother and father feel the same

I've seen so many draw the line on where this guilt or loyalty or whatever "it" is that we are trying to talk about ... is in many different places.

the first line I came across was that just having curiosity and asking questions about biofamily can be seen as betrayal. (be grateful..)

searching is riddled with this guilt. (uhhhhh I just want my medical info, yeah that's it)
acknowledging your bio-mother as a mother of yours'...(eeeekkkk)
making contact, meeting , or god forbid growing a relationship is seen by many as unbelievably disloyal.

Maybe we all have to determine which line we will cross each step of the way. OK, so maybe these lines are very challenging to some , but the lines stop many others in their tracks too.

This guilt we carry can start the minute we just think of bio connections. All becasue of fear. I personally have had enough, I put it down and won't play that game anymore if I can help it. (yeah right, I still do lol)
It limits all the love we could have and give in our lives.

Many things have done it to my aparents, made them get that twinge of doubt about our relationship, caused that fear to sneak in.

I say NOOOOOOO, don't feel that way, pllllllease don't feel that way. But I can't help that, all I can do is make it one of my priorities to help them with it, assure them that I do feel they come first, that my reunion and getting to know everyone does not take away from our relationship.

I can't and won't deny myself and what I want for my life and what my children want for theirs - over this guilt of being disloyal. I son't want my kids stuck in the middle either, and I see it in them too. I've held back doing many things over the years worried about aparents feelings.

I've made myself and my kids my priority, for everyones benefit. I finally realized that even tho these feelings may come up for my aparents, I know they carry love in thier hearts always, they work hard at staying on the track of love, they are experts on the high road, and they are better at it than I am LOL

I have great faith - from my actions and words shared with my aparents, and their responses and love shared with me - that they know I love them dearly, they know they are my #1 Mom and Dad, and that I am very devoted to them and nothing will ever change that.

That's what I want them to keep in their heart and mind, it's what I keep in mine, and if they can't... that's not my fault, and shouldn't be, that's their responsibility.

We've talked about it, and they don't want me to feel bad or guilty over it either.

We know that all that fear isn't what our relationship is mostly made of. Our love and connection is much stronger than that. And I expect myself and my aparents to be stronger than that fear. I would be very disappointed in them if they allowed fear to win. Is that expecting too much? IMO - not in my life.

We all have our own decisions to make.

[dpen6]

Beth, Awesome post....you have said it so well and exactly what i have been trying to say for yesrs.

There does come a point that we all have our decsions to make and deal with the consqences whether they be good or bad.

[manni28]

Manni,

That is something I hadn't considered until you brought it up (sharing the GMA title).

And, at first glance, I was like "oh HECK no"...then I was like "well, if she's changed it may be okay". Then I was back to HECK NO!

This is something all amoms have to endure.

I cannot walk the path of a birth mom, having never been one, to know what it's like to lose your child. I can only walk my path, the one that I couldn't have a child, but wanted to be a mother. For this, I will give my heart and soul to my children. But, allow me to be hurt if I'm compared to your birth mom, and allow me to rejoice with you if your birth mom has changed and life is good for her.

Don't automatically judge me on what preconceived notions about adoptive moms are out there (jealous, guilt layers) and recognize that as a PERSON, yes, I will get jealous when you give your birth mom some of your time (just like you would if your Best Friend hung out with another friend) and that doesn't make me a lesser person or a dictator...it just means I love you and I have emotions and feelings just like any other person.

Akcskye:

I understand. My mom doesn't like being called "gma" so it was easy for her to say "yes" ( she's "nana"). And Like I said before, the amom has every right to have her feelings acknowledged too.

Dpens & Beth:

There does come a point that we all have our decsions to make and deal with the consqences whether they be good or bad

.

I agree, especially when dealing with reunion or wanting relationship with your bfamily.

-Manni