[WhoKnew]

Quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

...once you become Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Margery Williams summed it up quite nicely, don't you think?

I found the above on another website (now I have lost the name). But the 'loose joints' and 'shabby' could describe a lot of us, right ?

[quantum]

I have to admit that reading some of these posts are some of the most painful things I've read on here so far (I'm new!).

I have kids of my own now. 18 years after my first child whom I reliquinshed came my first daughter.
I took my girls to a circus today and found myself weeping. Why? I'm not sure, but the thought popped into my head that I weep at such things because this is what I missed out on with my son.

I'm sad that faye56 has so much anger(I think) towards her bmom. It's something I feared when I searched for my bson. Fortunately he seems to understand. Really, it's only his understanding that matters, but still it makes me sad to read things that discount the love I have and have had for him his entire life. And let me tell you, it's unconditional.

[Mil]

I confess, I've not read this entire thread. I didn't come across it till today and only read the first page. I've come to realize on this last page that there was some sort of debate, but I haven't read it and don't intend to. I'm just replying to the original poster.

The bottom line is that Mom is really not an exclusive term. In this age of blended families there are many children who grow up with more than one mom. That does not mean they do not know who is parenting them. Mom is not one role. It can be many roles. The fact is adoptive children have a mom that gave birth to them and a mom that is raising them

I totally agree with the above statement. ALL of my children have two mothers. My oldest son was placed for adoption when he was an infant. He has his parents, who are mom and dad. And he has me. I'm his mother. His mom IS MOM. She did all those growing up things that made her his mom. And she deserves that. Yet he loves me dearly as his mother and his mom respects that. We didn't have an open adoption (there was no such thing at the time) and have only come to know each other in the last 5 years. We're both 'grandma' to his kids. Last fall we both attended 'Grandparents Day' at the boy's school together and had a wonderful time. My son has two mothers.

My husband and I also have adopted children. They both have 2 mothers also. They've yet to meet their birthmothers - they're just starting their searches. But I'm not worried. I'm their mom. And yes, they'll have another mother to share their lives with. But they've always had another mother. Hopefully these women will be warm, friendly, understanding women who will have good relationships with their kids. Women whom my children can respect and be proud to be part of their families as well as ours. Time will tell.

I think worrying about being 'mom' is time ill spent. Just be the best mom you can be and the rest will take care of itself.

Enjoy your kids - their only little for a short time.

[janiej]

Originally Posted by quantum

I'm sad that faye56 has so much anger(I think) towards her bmom. It's something I feared when I searched for my bson. Fortunately he seems to understand. Really, it's only his understanding that matters, but still it makes me sad to read things that discount the love I have and have had for him his entire life. And let me tell you, it's unconditional.

I have to agree here. My son found me after nearly 40 years. I was terrified of just this type of thinking...that he would never be able to "forgive me" for what I did. Thank God, his mom ( yes, I said MOM, not "amom")...told him how things were back then, and the reason why I probably did what I did ( though she didn't know the entire story). His parents are alive and well, into their mid 70's, and we have a great relationship. When I asked her how she felt about him finding me, she said she was happy for us both.
They are very secure in his love for them....as they should be. They raised a fine man, and I could not have asked for anything more.

I would advise anyone feeling this anger regarding relinquishment to try and read about the times before the open-adoption era. ( and sadly, it still goes on today, though not nearly as bad ).

Not one day, NOT ONE DAY, did I not think of the child I was not allowed to keep. Not one time when I was around other children did I not think about him, his first step, his first tooth, his first day of school, his first date, his first everything.

Unconditional love......if you weren't a part of the adoption era of the pre-80's, as a first/birth mother, please educate yourself before you strive to know how we "feel"/felt about love. Those of us who didn't KNOW of options....because we were never told. Just led to believe what "they" wanted us to believe.

Many of these words hurt, but not nearly as much as thinking that my child would hate me, or not even WANT to know the reasons.

Just my .02 cents.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by WhoKnew

Quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

...once you become Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Margery Williams summed it up quite nicely, don't you think?

I found the above on another website (now I have lost the name). But the 'loose joints' and 'shabby' could describe a lot of us, right ?

Yes,both of my moms have loose joints!! So do I and my son's other mom also

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by WhoKnew

Quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

"Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

...once you become Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Margery Williams summed it up quite nicely, don't you think?

I found the above on another website (now I have lost the name). But the 'loose joints' and 'shabby' could describe a lot of us, right ?

I love this story!! Thank you for sharing this!!!

And yes, and my joints are starting to suffer

[Sun8]

Both my Mom and my First mom are real. They both exist so to me they are both real.
One chooses me to be present in her life, She is Mom.
She is also 2 mothers in one, The one I grew up with and the one who nurtured me. Now she is the one that I nurture, she has alzheimers. I love both my Mom's.
When she was starting to know that she was fading in memory she called me into her bedroom to tell me a little story. She said, " I looked in the mirror the other day and said, wow, I look just like my mom did" ( her mom passed many years ago). Then she looked at me with tears running down her face and said " but you dont know your Mom". After that, for the last time she told me all she knew about my adoption. That time, I did all I could to find my first mom, because it was important to Mom. For me, it was a defining moment... I thought to myself.. what do you mean I dont know my mom... if ever a mother showed that she was a mother it was then, thinking first and foremost of her daughter and what she thought her daughter must have wondered and wished all those years since being surrendered. She was wrong. I did at times wonder, I did know a feeling of a person, a person that wasnt around me when growing up, but one i knew the feeling of, my first mom. I hadnt forgotten the feeling of her, her arms, her kiss.
I found my firstmom, my Mom was too far gone with alzheimer's to understand, that was my heartbreak. I could not tell her, I could not share it with her. I can imagine her joy, if she was able to understand. My first mom doesnt wish contact.
I have 2 mom's..... one has chosen to be in my life for 44 years, to be REAL to me and for Me to be real in hers! She is MOM
Adopted or not, could I have a better mother? NEVER
do I love her?..Always .....

Do I love my first mom... the imprinted memory of the feeling of her ?.. always
but i know who has chosen to be My REAL mother

[quantum]

It is nice to read everyone's opinions, even if some hurt a bit!
Just one thing I want to say, I absolutely think of my bsons amom as his MOM. And I am so grateful to her! He's wonderful and that has so much to do with HER. I don't want to diminish that at all!


janiej hit the nail on the head though. I have thought about my bson every single day. Now that I have small children, I think of him even more. Wondering what he was like then. I wish I had contact with his amom, maybe later (she's felt a bit threatened by me and had prevented our initial contact). I also think about how hard it is WITH a very supportive partner, WITH a stable economic situation, WITH support from family, those are all things I would not have had if I'd kept my bson. Things which he HAS had in his afamily.

[myheart]

Originally Posted by Sun8

Both my Mom and my First mom are real. They both exist so to me they are both real.
One chooses me to be present in her life, She is Mom.
She is also 2 mothers in one, The one I grew up with and the one who nurtured me. Now she is the one that I nurture, she has alzheimers. I love both my Mom's.
When she was starting to know that she was fading in memory she called me into her bedroom to tell me a little story. She said, " I looked in the mirror the other day and said, wow, I look just like my mom did" ( her mom passed many years ago). Then she looked at me with tears running down her face and said " but you dont know your Mom". After that, for the last time she told me all she knew about my adoption. That time, I did all I could to find my first mom, because it was important to Mom. For me, it was a defining moment... I thought to myself.. what do you mean I dont know my mom... if ever a mother showed that she was a mother it was then, thinking first and foremost of her daughter and what she thought her daughter must have wondered and wished all those years since being surrendered. She was wrong. I did at times wonder, I did know a feeling of a person, a person that wasnt around me when growing up, but one i knew the feeling of, my first mom. I hadnt forgotten the feeling of her, her arms, her kiss.
I found my firstmom, my Mom was too far gone with alzheimer's to understand, that was my heartbreak. I could not tell her, I could not share it with her. I can imagine her joy, if she was able to understand. My first mom doesnt wish contact.
I have 2 mom's..... one has chosen to be in my life for 44 years, to be REAL to me and for Me to be real in hers! She is MOM
Adopted or not, could I have a better mother? NEVER
do I love her?..Always .....

Do I love my first mom... the imprinted memory of the feeling of her ?.. always
but i know who has chosen to be My REAL mother

Thank you for sharing your story..it has truly blessed myheart.
I'm sorry your mother and you have had to endure the pain of alzheimers.
I know first hand how difficult it is to see someone you love struggling
with this terrible disease.

May you have Peace in your heart, today , tomorrow and always.