[carolynppk]

You are the mom. I have met my birthmom and I love her with all my heart, but nothing can take away forty years of my mom raising me, lovong me, protecting me, mothering me. I grew up never thinking of her but anything other than my mom, she wasn't my amom, she was just mom. Still is to this day.

What I have learned though is that Diane was my first mom. She loved me, cared for me and put me above all else. These are the things mother's do. I always thought any one can have a baby it takes so much more to be a parent, but since I have been in contact with her, and even before that, once I started coming here and speaking to pother birthmom, I never occured to me how much of a mother they were. So I do appreciate Diane's role as a mother to me.

Diane is my mom, but not in the sense that my mom is. You can't erase forty years of everything my mom did, just like you speak of doing for your child. I am Diane's daughter, but I can't make up the forty years or be to her what her children that she raised for thirty some years are.

My mom was a social worker who I think did a wonderful job of balancing my adoption with a healthy sense of what it was and yet didn't make such a big deal out of it that I always felt different. My adoption was just very matter of factly, it was how our family came together.

You are the child's mother. I am saddened as an adoptee to hear how some adoptive parents are tossed aside to birthparents. To me and me only, I was adopted as an infant, it was never hard to accept my parents as my parents, it is all I ever knew. I would have thought it much harder for them to love me as their own. But they did, they took me and loved me as if they had given birth to me. They may have loved me even more than if they had given birth to me because they could not have children of their own and I was such an incredible blessing in their lives. How, after all they have given me, loved me, stood by me, supported me in all I did, especially when I was very unloveable, how could I ever think of them as anything else? Especially when they have never thought of me as anything else. I was never their adopted child, adoption was just the means of how we came together.

Carolyn

[marimari]

Does it really matter if one is amom or the real mom? What determines if one is "real" or not? Yes, you will legally be the adoptive mom...that's a given. That child whom now calls you mom did have another mom first...as noted in another post, the woman who bore that child and gave you the opportunity to be called mom by her child.
Yes, you wipe the puke, you get the hugs...that's part of what you signed up for when you asked to mother a child. Are you more "real" now that you are a mom or were you as "real" before? Is that child's first mother now "unreal" becaue she relinquished? No to all of the above.
As an aside, if there were not people with ready arms to take in a child, while separating it from it's mother rather than a culture/society that aimed to keep/help mothers and children remain together, many of us would not be called mothers.
One woman's loss becomes another's gain. Who is more "real"... both are. Most real is the child who leaves one set of arms (or maybe just a womb) and is welcomed into another's. It's about the child being "real"...not about us a women trying to gain some sort of validation from a word...all you have to do is to really love the child...maybe that's what makes us all "real"?

[anifish]

I am in reunion and actually a bit peeved at my "real" MOM right now at how she is handling my reunion. BUT let me make one thing clear she is the only mom I have ever had, and well ever have,,I have a mom who gave birth to me and I feel differently about the motherly part she played in my life, she is the one who chose life the one who gave me my children not just a dream but a reality because if she chose to not have me, or to abort me my existance would be null, therefore there (my children)existance would be null, I look upon her like a guardian angel almost. . My mom she is the one who has been there for me through everthing,, maybe not exactly the perfect mom. but she was the one there, no mom is perfect, bio or adopted. None of us have a perfect anything we are not made into perfect human beings, but I can tell you that from conception there was a plan, and that plan was for Christmas Eve 1968 B and J Pastore were to get the best Christmas present of their lives,,,, ME. and from that night on I was thier little girl and they were my mommy and Daddy nothing will ever change that. They were the best parents and I was the luckyest girl alive adoption brought us together but I believe it was meant to be. Fate, and yes even though I am disapointed at my moms reaction at my reunion my bmom will not replace her. I will make room in my heart for my bmom but she can not replace my mom. I am already loving my bmom, I have an instant connection for her. I think she is wonderfull but that in no way means that i can take 37 years of mothering and replace it. My mom just needs time to be made confident of this. It is scary reunion. I love her it should be enough. I am making room in my heart for both of them , it feels natural. I feels ok. I love them both.

some adoptees are not as lucky as me, as you have read above. Be loyal and be supportive . Be caring and trustworthy but most of all give unconditonal love with nothing attached to it and that is what makes you a mother.

All well be fine, no worrys, Ani

[aura]

I am an adoptee who is in reunion with my birthmom, she is the woman who gave birth to me, she started the plan that God has for my life and was an answer to my mom and dads prayers for a child. My mom and dad are my mom and dad, I was adopted at birth and they are the only parents I have ever known, the only parents I will ever have. My mom was always there when I needed her and even when I didn't think that I did, she loves me unconditionally even when my actions were unloveable. I am the woman and mother and wife I am today because of her and my dad. They supported my search for my birth parents and are supporting my reunion and I know it has to be hard for them but it does not change who they are in my life. I was raised to know that adoption is a blessing. You are her mom and yes, she has a birthmom too, the answer to your prayer for a child, and maybe some day she will want to meet the woman who gave her life, but you are the woman who is teaching her how to live life, how to love, and what unconditional love is. My birthmom and I are working on being friends, and yes, I am ever so greatful to her for my life, without her I would not be here, my daughter would not be here, and there is a part of me that does love this woman but my mom is my mom. God bless you hon! Aura


Legacy of an adopted child


Once there were two women who never knew each other...
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you how to live it...
The first gave you a need for the love and the second was there to fill it
One gave you a nationality, and the other gave you a name...
One gave you a seed of talent, and the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, and the other calmed your fears...
One saw your first sweet smile and the other dried your tears.
One gave you up, it's all that she could do...
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through the fears,
The age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, Which sm I a product of...
Neither my darling, neither...
Just two different kinds of love.

Author Unknown

[patijo]

as an adoptee YES you are the mother. You are the one that cleans up the puke and wipes the bottom, and stays up all night. but eventually there will be questions. never be afraid to answer them.

[banjo]

Hi, yep the amother gets the goodies - the true mother/child relationship - and us bmothers are lucky to maybe get a "friendship" with our adopted children. So when you think of us be kind and gentle - don't feel threatened - because reunions are very difficult and often don't work out because of the abandonment etc between us. so relax - you will be THE MOTHER...while us first mothers COULD get a freindship with your child - maybe if we are lucky...that's about the best we can hope for.

[Pinakitha]

I would agree with many of the postings here. When my son first wrote to me about his "aparents", I told him to feel free to call them "my parents". After all, they were the ones who raised him, loved & supported him through his growing years. They are, until recently, the only "mom & dad" he has known. He will always put them before me (the bmom) because he trusts them as they didn't "go away".

I would only respectfully ask adoptive parents to acknowledge that their child does have another mother. Not a mother who raised their child (although she may well have wished that she could) but, nevertheless, a mother.

Please be sensitive to your child's feelings & the bmom's. It may well be beneficial to the child/adult to have both mothers in their life - both probably fulfil different needs since they will inevitably be different people with different personalities. In the end, you are both "real" mothers, but in different ways.

[mom2justynsarah]

I will never forget the time when my daughter was just a few weeks old. During a phone conversation with her bmom, she said still feels like her daughter's mother. I said "Hmm, funney you should feel that. You STILL ARE and will ALWAYS be her first mother".


I think as responsible "adoptive" parents, (yes of course we are mommy and daddy) we need to give our children a very strong foundation of love, support, understanding and true reality of who/what else they are part of.

Yes, our children are our children. But the reality is, they are also inherently related to another family. The birth family also plays an important part of who they are. That can't be taken away from them - EVER.

So, as far as who the real mother is- BOTH are real. But both are put into our child's life for different reasons- one to give life- the other to raise in life.

[patijo]

my mom is the one who did all thee nastyy stuff the one who gave birth to me is the one I want to know

[happygmom]

I agree completely that Mom does not have to be an exclusive name. Humans have big hearts. Mom is the one doing the tough duty - and that can be either Mom, the adoptive Mom who is there for her child every day or the bio Mom who is hurting for her child every day.

Some of my kid's friends call me Mom because I have helped them through some rough spots. I call my beloved mother-in-law Mom, because she has loved and cared for me unconditionally (yep, I'm very lucky!). That does not mean that I love my darling Mom who raised me any less. I hope that my son is blessed with the same relationship with his future mother-in-law.

The first time I heard the term "real mom" was from a high-school friend whose parents adopted him at age 3, my hair stood on end. I had to bite my tongue to keep from yelling, "who the heck does your laundry, feeds you, comforts you?". I have hated the term ever since that day.

Happy G'Ma

[marimari]

It's about semantics, isn't it?
Many a child has been comforted, nursed, etc. by a woman that was not their mother...thinking back to the old days of wealthy people or on plantations...and nannys are still around. Does it change who gets the title of "mother"? Is the title that important?
If we need that validation so badly that it's necessary to downplay one person in order to feel more needed, etc., maybe we need to look inside of ourselves a little more.
We get "mothered" by many people in our lives...sometimes we do our own mothering ourselves to ourselves and sometimes it's the dad who does the mothering...sometimes we mothers mother other children, too...children whom we have no legal nor biological ties with...lets just work on being the best that we can be and not get caught up in who is "real" or not. Maybe our insecurities are showing....lets fix 'em.

[snuffie]

Hi,
I have been in reunion for about 4 years now. My bmom passed away before I met her. And while I wouldn't give up the feeling of completeness my reunion has given to me, I will always call and consider my aparents, just that MY PARENTS.
They too are gone now and I miss them both terribly. I find myself running to the phone to share something with my mom and then remembering that I'll never be able to hear the absolute delight and love in her voice again.

But I also have another mother too. She is the one whom I look like and talk like. She gave me most of my mannerisms and some of my quirks.

I really stopped and thought about my two moms this past Christmas as I hung the tiny, glass ornament that had been my amom's since childhood and placed the huge, fuzzy teddy bear that had been my bmom's since her childhood under the tree. My two moms. I love them both.

[mn125]

From an adoption reform group mail list:

Manila Times Newspaper
Monday, January 09, 2006
OPINION
DOUBLETAKE
By Eric F. Mallonga
Bridges of humanity

The Qu'ran states: " . . . nor hath He made those whom ye claim [to be your sons] your sons. This is but a saying of your mouths. But God sayeth the truth and He showeth the way. Proclaim their real parentage. That will be more equitable in the sight of God. And if ye know not their fathers then [they are] your brethren in the faith and your clients." In other words, kafalah provides substitute care for children who cannot be cared for by their biological parents, without altering the kinship system or biological parentage. The concept of kafalah is a symbol of human solidarity; of unselfish, voluntary efforts and sacrifice of persons endowed with financial and moral capabilities to assist those among their brethren who are less fortunate, and guide them in their parenting efforts. Many Islamic countries today, like Brunei, Tunisia and Somalia have built upon this principle in improving their treatment of children, recognizing basic concepts of intercountry adoption without severing biological ties and yet providing every possible means to uplift these children from their abandonment, neglect or abusive environment

What do you all think?

The first time I heard of this practice, I was in attendance of a March on Washington, DC - for Open Adoption Records. A passerby stopped to listen to our group speak at the Lincoln Memorial. He asked to speak- and told us of his support of our desire to open records, and how his culture handles the question of one, or two *mothers*.

without altering the kinship system or biological parentage wow.........

[itsamiracle]

In MY case, my amom is not my mom and never was. That's her doing. If she had loved and concerned for me, then she'd be my mom. The only way I could get thru my first 20 years of life, was to affirm to myself that indeed she is not my mom and that's why she is so cruel to me.


I believe if you love and care and support your child, AND allow them to work thru the issue of adoption in any way necessary to whatever degree, then you will always be the one they count on as mom.

I've known my bmom for 4 months now and she and I call her Mom.

[LouiseT]

my2miracles - yep, you are the mom in every sense of the word. your daughter is very lucky to have you. best wishes to you