[marimari]

Esp, it does sound like she has chosen a hard road to travel for her life. You are fortunate to be alive, you are right, given the doctor, etc. Has her friend clued you into what makes her tick? Sounds like a woman in pain....
Seeing you would have been extremely hard, I'd guess, especially after she'd told you what she had. I still tend to think that she was preparing you and herself so you wouldn't get close..sounds like she has a tough time with that, after four marriages, too, and not being totally present in her other daughter's life. A lot of guilt maybe?

That is interesting about the name thing..I kept my maiden name as part of my married name and i do remember consciously thinking at one time that I wanted to be able to be found, if ever, you know? I did forget about that thought process until only recently. Seems that we tucked a lot away rather than keeping it all out in the open.

That is very cool that your parents were so open with you..not the norm, I'd say. They are very secure people, huh, and actually thought of your well being. Many people are not able to let their children find out whom they are, not just adoptees; many parents just can't let their children go, period, and discover themselves as people. Yup, you were being watched over, it would seem..or just made of some really good stuff and well-prepared to live your life.

Again, I am sorry that she wasn't able to reach back to you...her loss.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by my2miracles

I have spent the past 2 days & nights with my feverish daughter crying in my ears, vomiting in her crib (on on herself) & clinging to my neck.

It did not matter to me that I got no sleep. All that mattered was that my baby needed me.

She just turned a year old on December 12th. As I look back upon the year, I am so grateful to have her in my life as my daughter. She is my miracle girl-my baby, my daughter... and I am her mother.

I have been lucky enough to see & experience all of my daughter's milestones. I am the one she cries for in the middle of the night. I am the one she calls for first thing in the morning. The very first word she ever said was "mama".

In addition, I am the one she holds her arms up to be picked up. I am the one who gets her delicious sparkly smiles and infectious gigles. I am the one who gets all the mushy huggies and swee kissies.

I am also the one she comes to when she is tired and cranky. I am the one she comes to when she wants a bath, or a story read, or a boo boo fixed, or if she just wants a mommy hug.

As any mother would, I am the one who feeds her, cleans her, makes sure she is up to date with all of her shots, keeps her safe, warm, happy and most importantly LOVED and ADORED.

Now, I will never discount her bmom. She is the one who brought my little girl into this world. But she is not her mother. I am... aren't I? (of course I am- but..)

I end it like that because of all the posts I read regarding birthmoms and amoms. One post in particular blows my mind. It is something about missing her mom. Well- where is her mom? Doesn't she has one? Or is her amom not her mom?

I guess it confuses me and or disheartens me when I read these types of posts. I can assure you that besides myself and all of my friends who have also adopted- we feel like your real mothers because we ARE.

Best regards,
J

Imo all moms are real, those who give birth to us and those who raise us... it is hoped that both will love us..
Without one, we would not have the other..

[JPDakota]

If you're speaking technically, yes. One definition of mother may be to bear a child. However, that does not a Mother make in my opinion. Biology aside, I have one Mother, and she is not the woman who gave birth to me. I get that other people feel differently, but I don't understand it.

[Raina0831]

This is the first definition of mother at dictionary.com and is the same first definition in the American Heritage College Dictionary - third edition.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mother

A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.

So technically, everyone is right.

I have a mother who gave birth to me, but she is not my "mother". I have a mother who raised me, and because of that, I HAVE to call her "mother".

I really don't have a mother and never did - in my opinion. I mean there was the woman who gave birth to me, and then there was the woman who "raised" me.

If I go by the dictionary definition, BOTH of them are my mothers. Although, neither mom nutured me, so maybe that takes both out of the equation. But then actually, one DID conceive and give birth to me. And one DID raise me, even if she didn't nuture me, so maybe I should call her.....hmmm....1/2 mom? incomplete mom? And then what should I call the woman who birthed me? My 9 month mom? I dunno.

Everyone has a different opinion based upon their different experiences and circumstances. Hopefully, everyone chooses the term for the woman that birthed them and the term for the woman that raised them that makes the most sense to THEM - physically, emotionally, etc.

Huggs,

Raina

[WLD]

(QUOTE)As far as me saying God put me where I am supposed to be. I don't feel that she got me here. She did drugs while she was pregnant with me and got the doctor to induce her very early, so I choose to believe that God got me here. He protected me and helped me get here healthy and normal(QUOTE)

ESP - I know some do not believe this way and that's fine. But i know how you feel. I believe God put my ason where he needs to be as well. He shared alot of the same circumstances you did (bparents drink, drugs, party, etc.) The difference is that we adopted him when he was older after he had been bounced around awhile with her using him as a bargaining chip to get money from extended bfamily. It encourages me to read of your love for your parents. We didn't seek out adoption but we do feel that there was a "reason" for us to be approached to adopt him after his extended family, including his bmom was given the opportunity to take him back and they all declined. We do firmly believe God had control. I realize not everyone has the same situation, just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from. I honestly cannot fathom why people who are not going to love and nurture a child would adopt. I know my life and my entire family's life has been turned upside down over adopting our son, and if we were not this committed to loving, nurturing and accepting him as our own and providing him with a loving stable home, I personally would not dream of putting our family, including my son through this. It's hard on everyone, including siblings and aparents.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

If you're speaking technically, yes. One definition of mother may be to bear a child. However, that does not a Mother make in my opinion. Biology aside, I have one Mother, and she is not the woman who gave birth to me. I get that other people feel differently, but I don't understand it.

I understand this perfectly, knowing how things are in the world. Having raised one grandchild for 4 years, another all her life. The now 7 year old is lucky, her mother acutally got cleaned up. Then she went back to school and is going for a 4 year degree at age 35. She now has both her children back. Life is good. But it took 4 years.

I am a birthmother, from the 1960s, I didn't know what drugs were and never drank alcohol. I loved and wanted my son, took excellent care of myself. I was 15. Life sucks when everyone beleives you to be too young to love and raise your own child. But life happens. Now in reunion, which is wonderful. He has said he wished he had been raised by me. He had an alcoholic adad who beat his mother. She left, and he was kept by the adad..

Not all adoptions are perfect, thank goodness the majority of them are.

[marimari]

No family is perfect..that is the nature of the human beast..and some of us are mosre beastly than others.

Some of the discussions here have centered on the mother word and who is real and who is not.
It occurred to me tonite that when one searches, the adoptee for example, they are looking for their roots..why can't birth mothers be root mothers? They do give the child their roots, their basics from genes to personality traits..the next mothers become the mothers who culivate, sort of...I am not sure what to call them.
I have been reading the book The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. If anyone doubts that the majority of these young women felt like mothers, guess again. It was most difficult and they are mothers, were mothers...it didn't change with the substitute BC...we gave these children their roots, the mothers that took over were to give these children their wings.
We are all still real...very real.

[manni28]

Mari:

Both moms are real but what the writer is asking and what some are saying is, there's the 24/7 mom and then the bmom. You have to remember a lot of us come from the closed era. We knew we were adopted and had a bmom, we also had "mom" or "mommy" who we shared a history with ( and if she was a good mom) and a great love for. Both are real, but the one we identify with is amom- it's like when you’re filling out information and they ask your parents name-we don't put down our aparents and bparents. We just put our aparents name down.

[WLD]

Thank you Manni. My heart just turned a flip with happiness. I hope my son grows up to sound just like you when describing me

[marimari]

Right you are, Manni..legally the mother is the a-mom.
To some adoptees, the legalness does not erase the significance of the birthing mother, while never negating the who the legal mother is.
To many people, the real mother merely means the birthing mother and is not a downplaying of the mother or parents who get the honor of being called mommy and daddy.
I think it's ok to recognize the contributions of both to one's beginnings, etc...Biologically speaking, the first mother is the real mother; culturally, the mother who did the day-to-day work is the parenting mother.
Still, both are real...I'd hope that the adopted children would be raised in such a loving way as to be free to honor both women as invaluable to their lives. One without the other...wow, that would negate an important piece of the adopted person, don't you think?

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by marimari

Right you are, Manni..legally the mother is the a-mom.
To some adoptees, the legalness does not erase the significance of the birthing mother, while never negating the who the legal mother is.
To many people, the real mother merely means the birthing mother and is not a downplaying of the mother or parents who get the honor of being called mommy and daddy.
I think it's ok to recognize the contributions of both to one's beginnings, etc...Biologically speaking, the first mother is the real mother; culturally, the mother who did the day-to-day work is the parenting mother.
Still, both are real...I'd hope that the adopted children would be raised in such a loving way as to be free to honor both women as invaluable to their lives. One without the other...wow, that would negate an important piece of the adopted person, don't you think?

Mari , good post..except one thing that stood out...yes the adopted person should be free to honor both.but they need to be brought up and in the case of reunion...be told by both mothers to honor themselves first...because otherwise we are still being thrust in the ping pong world of "whose the real mother"...both mothers ..first and foremost need to honor the unique position of the adopted person.

[manni28]

Right you are, Manni..legally the mother is the a-mom.
To some adoptees, the legalness does not erase the significance of the birthing mother, while never negating the who the legal mother is.
To many people, the real mother merely means the birthing mother and is not a downplaying of the mother or parents who get the honor of being called mommy and daddy.
I think it's ok to recognize the contributions of both to one's beginnings, etc...Biologically speaking, the first mother is the real mother; culturally, the mother who did the day-to-day work is the parenting mother.

Mari:



I agree with you to a point ( I guess you know me by now ) biologically speaking I think the biomom is -the biomom. Yes, the amom is our legal mom but, she is also our psychological, physical, moral and emotional mom too. That’s all we know and like I said, if she is a good mom, she is just-mom. I'm sure you know people bio/adopted who have a great love for their moms and are fiercely protective of them- it's just the way some of us are. It doesn't negate the biofamily but we have no history; we have to build a relationship with our biofamily and that takes time.


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[marimari]

dpen6....ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
Honor our children....

[esp1222]

I think every single situation is different. Some women were forced to relinquish their babies and some were lied to, still others did it with the full knowledge of what they were doing.

I have never used the words adopted or birth with the word mom. I call my step-mother my step-mom...but I feel that is different. I call my mom just that, mom. The rare times I say anything about my birthmother, I usually use the term biological. The word "real" mom irritates me. When people ask me if I know my "real" parents, it almost infuriates me, until I realize that unless you are somehow involved in the triad, most are ignorant when they ask me that question. My ONLY real parents are the ones who raised me. Period.

That is only my viewpoint. Others with other experiences may not share it. I guess it depends on each situation.

[abcg1977]

"real" I hate that too... I promise you J who had me is very real and so is N who raised me... Very real women who each mothered be in a very different way. One biologically mothered me and now mothers me in a different way and N who has done every "mother" job since I was 10 weeks old...

Each situation is different and because I did not come from some horrible situation and I had an a-mom who taught me good things about my b-mom, I can call each one a mother to me and not feel bad...Some people can't or do not care too and I try so hard not to judge them for it...

The heart of a mother can not be defined though by if they gave birth or if they raised a child...I do not believe a heart can be qualified.

Ang~