[WingsFree]

I'm an older adoptee, yeah one who always obsesses about it, can't help it even with the knowledge I've learned from reading other's posts here.

My question is about birthdays. I never get to excited about a birthday, found I'd sooner let that day just slide by sorta forget it didn't exist, today I'm finding the older I get the harder they are to take, not because of my age but because of having to go through that day for so many years, that blasted EMPTY feeling. And when people wish me a happy birthday, they have no clue how that makes me feel, but how could they, it's something you just don't talk about.

Am I alone feeling this way, please talk to me if any of you feel this way.

My heart does go out to my bio parents, if they are still alive, I know they have to feel that void too, unless they are heartless, which I don't think that's possible, I know my genes come from them. I wonder if this is a daily struggle for them too.

Yep I have a birthday coming up next month, wish there was some way to avoid it, isn't that so odd.

Thanks for listening.

[Pinakitha]

I can understand what you mean about birthdays. As a mother who relinquished her son for adoption, every single one of HIS birthdays has been a time of great sorrow and mourning for me. I thought about him every day of his life but his birthday was always the hardest. I am glad that you realise that your original parents may feel the same as you do. That shows great understanding & compassion.
What can you do about it? I don't know. Just keep yourself busy on the day (as I do for mine - & I'm not adopted) and try not to think about it too much. Perhaps too you could let others know that you do not want a big deal made of your birthday because you find it upsetting. I am sure they will understand if they love you and will try to help you get through it.

[mamottawa]

Sorry that you feel this way about birthdays. For me, my birthdays were always joyful. I am an adoptee and, funny story, after my parents a loooong time ago ( can't remember the age exactly) told me i was adopted, i kind of "placed it in a box" and kind of forgot about it, almost as if it was someone else they were talking about.

But i DO wonder on every january 27th if my birthmom thinks even a tiny bit or ever so briefly about me. Somehow i hope she does. There are things we can't control in this life, but what matter is what we CAN do about it, think of people, places we love and that are loved. Sometimes its not about what you DON'T have, its what you DO. Its not easy, and i'm the first one to admit it, but it goes a long way in finding peace on that day at least.

Keep your chin up.
Cheers

Marc-André ( 27-01-1982)

[Southernroots]

Gotta tell you - most birth moms I know think of their children often - especially on their birthdays. I have one adoptive mom buddy (in real life that is, not on line). Her son always acted up on birthdays. Finally after reading a book I gave her that said birthdays are difficult for many adoptees, she understood better.

Either of you thought about searching for your birth family? Gravitating maybe in that direction? I doubt that your birth parents have escaped that "void". My son found me and our reunion has helped heal my heart in such a wonderful way. I think that it has been of benefit to him as well - to know me - to know that I love him - think of him often.

[darkknight]

and not just with mine but also the birth of my own son. At his parties, I usually had to leave the room for a while. It was so overwhelming. Since I started reading, writing, and joined support groups I have been able to enjoy my birthday more, and my wife was even surprised at my sons last birthday.
I still sit up late on my birthday though and search thru several databses hoping that this day will be the day.

[JenMcHall]

I have always wondered in the back of my mind if my birthmother was thinking of me on my birthday. In fact, it is really more in the front of my mind these days. I'm hoping that I will have been reunited with some of my birthfamily by that time this year in October. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Jennie

[Amy2U]

Since I just talked w/ my b/mom 2 wks. ago, (see threads, "Strength to Move On and Strength to Move on (Continued)" my birthday is in March, so I know I'm fresh on her mind. Plus the fact she knows I'm in communication w/ her sister, my b/aunt.

So, I'm hoping THIS YEAR, with all that I've done to contact her and the fact that she just heard my voice RECENTLY, she won't be able to get through the day without focusing on me, and maybe, just maybe, she'll call her sister and say, "How's Amy? What should I do?"

I'm Praying for a Miracle.

My friends make my birth day special, and my husband. He says my b/day is special because I WAS HIS PRESENT.

[seminole ranch]

I found my b-mother 2 years ago 3 month prior to my birthday, she refuses to have anything to due with me (see my recent posting Shut the door in my Face). I had found her exhusband and he told me how to find my half brother. We hit it off great, him and his wife came and spent the weekend with my family on my birthday. To top it all off her exhusband (he says he wishes she would have kept me and he would have raised me as his) called me later that night and sang Happy Birthday to me over the phone. I cried a buckett of tears and laughted till my sides hurt at the gag gifts my brother bought me. Now he has moved to another state and we no longer can share our birthdays together in person but we call each other still. I must say that our first birthdays together was the best ones I ever had in my life. Yes it still hurts that my b-mother dont call on my birthday but my brother has made up for that. I LOVE YA BUBA BUT I AM STILL THE OLDEST! LOL

[ripples]

Originally Posted by lost2long

Am I alone feeling this way, please talk to me if any of you feel this way.

I can definitely relate to how you feel. I completed my search for my birth parents late last year and found out that they died over 20 years ago. Until now, my birthday used to be the usual happy celebratory stuff. Now my birthday has mixed meaning. It's the day I received the gift of life and the day I lost in-person contact with my b-parents forever. This week is the week of my birthday and for the first time, I've felt really, really sad about it all.

[Raina0831]

Being wished "happy birthday" has always felt weird to me. This past birthday (December) was probably the worst by far. I found my bmom 15 years ago and she has never acknowledged my birthday and does everything she can to NOT acknowledge me at all.

I found my bdad last year. His wife made note of my birthdate, but I didn't hear from either of them on that day. That hurt. But I've learned now to have no expectations. I'll take what I can get and have no expectations of more.

And my wonderful husband, he tries hard to make the day extra special for me and I truly appreciate it and enjoy it, but there is always that lingering sadness that the two people responsible for my having been born, don't acknowledge that day...

Raina

[Amy2U]

I've been soo busy babysitting and housewife stuff and mother stuff haven't been on in a while. But, this is the DREADED MONTH, and Monday was the DREADED DAY.

The day I was born, the week my b/mum took me as JUNK MAIL, and threw me away--that's how I feel.

She has 2 adopted kids of her own. When they are 18, they are going back to the Ukraine and Kiev to meet the biological families of her PRECIOUS ADOPTED CHILDREN. To satisfy their needs of CONNECTION, or whatever they want.

But, the one she gave birth to, the one SHE DUMPED, SHE doesn't care. I'm like CANCER to her, or something.

Birthday---if it wasn't for the fact I have children now, and wouldn't want them depressed as teenagers and adults, I don't know if I could keep seeing another birthday each year.

Yes, I have the LORD, but when I'm down like this, it is hard for me to LEAN ON HIM. I"d RATHER BE WITH HIM.

[Montraviatommyg]

Loads of hugs Amy, if you had been my daughter I couldn't have denied you

Pip

[Laura06]

As growing up an adoptee, and being told at a very young age, I too have always had a hard time with my birthdays. For so many, many years, I distinctively remember being so very excited on that day, because in my mind, (or dreams) I honestly knew that my bmom had to be thinking of me. I couldn't wait for the mailman to deliver the mail that day, I just knew that she would send me a card or a letter on that special day. Of course I was very young then and didn't realize that my bmother had no way of contacting me, and didn't even know where in this big world I was. I still hold that very dream that maybe one day I will get that long overdue card.

[irisheyes33]

Had to chime in on the Birthday thread...oh how I HATED my birthday every year. I always went along with the program, so to speak, knowing that other people wanted to celebrate that day, knowing that it was an important day for my aparents...but also knowing deep down that my birthmother was hurting. I found her almost 3 years ago (she refused contact at first), but we truly "reunited" this year and are now very close. The birthday was horrible for both of us, as I suspected. So this year, she flew cross country to spend it with me. We were able to hold each other and cry together.

Strangely enough...it STILL hurts. I am STILL dreading my upcoming birthday. I have the pipe dream that so many adoptees want, and yet I STILL hate the thought of my birthday.

So I guess I have no words of wisdom to offer here other than to say "Yep, been there, done that..." And sometimes I think there's comfort in just knowing we aren't alone and have a safe place to come and vent

[WingsFree]

Thanks for all your replys. Sorry I haven't reponded, felt real sad reading some of your posts, sat here and cryed the truth be told, seems it's a common thing, at least we know our feelings aren't alone with this issue. It's sad for all those involved, being it the birth parents, adoptees, or adoptive parents..I do hope this opens some eyes with this. We are different, yep we sure are, and that's ok, makes us pretty unique don't you think?

Also my past birthday I changed my thinking, decided enough is enough, I've got more years behind me then I do ahead, time to LIVE and LET GO of things I can't control, darn hard but it seems the only way to go, none of us have ONE thing to gain with dragging this along daily, it's draining, yes it's sad too, always will be, but time to live eh?

I have two adult children who need a mother who's fully here, not off in some place that constantly wants to keep her down, when it doesn't have to be....WE CHOSE to feel that way, time to break the mold.

Wanted to share this with you, it's beautiful, hope you enjoy it like I did....

Miracles

http://www.wisehearts.com/yaam.html

"YOU ARE A MIRACLE."



Time To Let Those Lights Shine Everyone

You are the light of the world. Matthew 5:14-16 NIV

Time to celebrate those
PRECIOUS BIRTHDAYS