[abcg1977]

I guess I never liked my b-day all that much because I always thought it was not a happy day. I never thought anyone was actually happy on the true day of my birth. I find/found it hard to be celebratory of a day that caused me to be seperated for life from those to whom I was born...


SO, I think it can be normal to let that day just float by for us adoptee's. Not all but, some of us just don't get on the happy train relating to that day.


I find other's day's to be joyful about! Like MY BABIES B-DAY'S...Now, THOSE are special!!!

[Benedicta]

As a bmom I find the time of my son's birth agonizing....usually starting a few weeks before....I long to hold him...it gets more painful w/ each passing year...I wonder what has happened to him...It is hard not to think the worst...

[Jan18]

I'm sort of new here, only posted a few times, but thought I'd share my thoughts/experience. I guess as a child my birthday was a great day. I never experienced sadness about the day. However, as I got older, I would often wonder if my bmom was thinking about me on that day, did she wonder what I was doing, did she want to find me. Last year, I was pregnant, and my birthday was really tough. Every once and a while I would come to sites like this one and put in my information to see if anyone was looking for me, and no one ever was. Last year I cried.

This year, I cried again, but it was because my bmom was the first one to wish me a Happy Birthday. I found her a few days before my birthday! What a birthday gift?!

I still wonder if she thought about me every Jan. 18th? I haven't had the nerve to ask her if my birthday was a hard day for her, or if she tried to ignore it. Maybe I'll ask her sometime.

Interesting thread! I can relate to so many of your answers.

[mom2justynsarah]

I had posted something similar regarding my husband. He gets deeply depressed on his birthday. Usually in the beginning of the month, he is ok. His birthday is the last week of the month. So by the time the actual week comes around, he is fidgity, irritable. Then the day of his birthday, he is very quiet..depressed....VERY depressed.

I never understood it before. I always thought the more I did something special for him on his birthday, the happier he would feel. It always backfired on me. He would get angry at me and resentful.

Well, we've been together for many years (going on 12 years of marriage). So through the years, I have learned to be mellow..not make a big deal over it. Once the day is finished, he is usually much better the next day.

I don't know how I am going to handle the future. My daughter and son's birthday are 3 days apart. Her's is 12/12. His is 12/15.

Actually, the whole month is December is challenging. My mother died 3 years ago on Decmber 21st. Sarah's birth grandfather died 12/17. Both Sarah's bmom & bdad's birthday are in December. Then of course we have the hollidays....But that's a whole other story in iteself.

[kune]

Jan 18
Congratulations on your reunion with your birthmom. I hope that the two of you can make a lasting relationship. One suggestion I do have regards questions you want answered, and of course visa versa is DONT HOLD BACK. To really know each other takes years, and those years are made up of little questions and answers interspersed with family or personal stories. The questions start the stories. Without questions, where do you start? As a birthmother in reunion, I welcome ever question. It's another opportunity to build on what we have. Asking if your bmother felt sad on your birthday is a beautiful question - it shows that you have thought about her and I'm sure she will love telling you her side.

Good luck - keep smiling and positive - and keep posting so we can all share in your happiness.

Ann

[sal]

My birthdays were always bittersweet for me when I was growing up and it wasn't until young adulthood that I figured out why........I guess for me that day marked the day that I was permanently separated from my birthmother.. and that certainly wasn't something that I wanted to celebrate...plus.. in the closed adoption era of the 50's I had absolutely NO options of a even thinking about a reunion ... ever.. I'm happy to say that even though it took a "lifetime" of birthdays.. my first contact with my birthmother occured on my 48th birthday... June 20, 2001. My reunion has been an unbelievable healing journey that brought me love, support and a sense of "wholeness" and family to my life. I continue to be amazed with finding out that I am not alone in the feelings that I have felt....... the thoughts that I've had... I find a wonderful supportive kindred spirit in the many adoptees here who post their hearts and souls in this forum! .....Thank you all...sal

[Poleczech]

I hope you don't mind my popping in here, but I was reading this thread and found it very interesting. I am a prospective adoptive mother, and the potential birthmother that we are matched with is due in June. We are both wanting an open adoption, especially because she has two other sons, and she wants all the sons (she is having another boy) to have the opporutnity to know each other.

I wonder if you all who were adopted during the closed adoption era would have different feelings about your birthdays were you in an open adoption, where one or both of your birthdparents remained a part of your life from the start, even though you are raised by someone else. Do you think it would have made a difference in how you felt or celebrated your birthdays? DH and I have discussed inviting the potential birthparents to birthday parties, etc., making sure they have the opportunity to see their child grow and celebrate important events, such as birthdays. We want to be good parents, but we also want to be good "adoptive" parents as well, and tell our child from the start about their adoption, their birthparents, etc. and answer their questions by having his birthparents involved like any other extended family member. We have grown closer to the potential birthmother the closer her due date draws near, and I cannot imagine her not being involved in some way.

I hope I didn't ramble too much, and that I making sense. I just want to help my child be able to celebrate his life on his birthday.

Thanks for letting me pop in,

[Montraviatommyg]

From a first mother's point of view I am interested by responses you get. Not through choice (medical reasons to do with husband) I only had one child whose adoption was closed which was in 1981 and finalized in 1982 as I wasn't told about open adoptions therefore not given a choice.

Pip

[Bmomofhannah]

I am a birthmom and my little girl's 4th birthday just passed, and it was so hard, to know she's growing up and I'm not a part of her life. Everyday I think of her, but especially on her birthday.

[mom2justynsarah]

Originally Posted by Bmomofhannah

I am a birthmom and my little girl's 4th birthday just passed, and it was so hard, to know she's growing up and I'm not a part of her life. Everyday I think of her, but especially on her birthday.

For some reason, your post made me cry. It touched something deep within me. I am an adoptive mom. Thanks for sharing.

[kakuehl]

I am a birthmother who placed her firstborn for adoption 33 years ago. As I read the stories of birth parents who are found and want no part of your lives, my heart aches for you all. As a birthmother, I can't imagine not wanting to have a relationship with my bson. (Yes I know each of our stories is different, but I'm speaking for myself.)

Yes, birthdays have always been hard days for me; and I definitely always have and always will think of him on my birthday. D was born on my 21st birthday. The joy for me is that our first personal contact (by e-mail) took place on the eve of our bithday in 2005. It was a great birthday present.

Kathy

[Jan18]

Ann~

I asked her the "question" last night in an e-mail. We don't talk on the phone that often due to her schedule and being in different time zones. I am sure she thought of me. I am sure Jan. 18th totally sucked for her.

Someone asked about "if our adoptions would have been open, would our birthdays still be hard?" I don't think I could honestly answer that question because I never was able to experience my birthday that way. Even after having contact with my bmom this year, my birthday was terrrible! I guess it was just a few days after I had my first contact with her, but I felt all the emotions that she must have felt. I had also just had a baby this year, so I was now thinking in a mom's perspective. And I had to read the horrible story of how the nurses treated her and how she had to fight to even see me. I am crying just thinking of how awful it was for her!

One of the hardest things is knowing that for one group of people our births brought some amount of sadness, but for another group of people, our births brought so much joy. Does that make any sense?

The toughest part of my adoption truly came when my daughter was born. I held her and cried just thinking about my bmom. Some of my emotions were of the pain she must have gone through giving me up and then holding my daughter and wondering why my bmom hadn't tried to find me. My bmom told me that she wasn't actively trying to find me that she left it up to me.

Oh, now I have rambled. I'll just have to wait until next year and report on how my birthday is for me one year post reunion!!

[kune]

Jan
I'm very proud of you asking "the question"!! There is a time for being timid, and it's not now when you are ready to find out who this stranger/birthmother is. I do hope she gives you full and honest answers. You searched and found her but now there's equal responsibility from you both to make a connection that endures.

Keep posting Jen.....we are with you and know how scary this time can be. One minute you are on cloud 9 and the next you are picking yourself up off the floors - usually over really minor incidents that provoke huge emotions. Hang in there.....it gets better.

Jen..I never searched. I was told I had no right to disrupt his life. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been out there with guns blazing years ago but......maybe we needed to wait....maybe the stars alligned 4 years ago and what happened was meant to be.......then........not before.

Ann

[abcg1977]

Jan - as an adoptee I am right there with you...On the days my two children were born I just held them and thought that even if she could not have raised me why on earth had not wanted to try and find me... Now that I am reunited I know her reasons but, still. When you are a new mother sometimes you just do not understand. You hold this bundle of joy and you are blown completely away. Anything I thought I understood had become moot as I stared at those little angels.

Enjoy your new motherhood! And I hope you you (and myself) our understanding with our b-mother's becomes more complete.

Ang-

[Jan18]

I am enjoying my baby girl, who really isn't a baby any more. She just turned one two wks ago. Gosh, if it wasn't for my dd, I probably wouldn't have found my bmom! And I had vowed not to have kids, and NOT to find my bmom! Funny how one life event can change all other thoughts.

For those of you who have reunited with your birthfamilies, and had a difficult time with birthdays before your reunions. Are your birthdays still difficult?