[reiscmi]

Hi Everyone,
I want to know if anyone can relate to my situation. 11 years ago, when I was 23, my bmom found me. It was a very tough situation because I was still living with my parents and my adoptive mom was VERY jealous. It caused ALOT of family turmoil. It has since brought me and my adoptive mom closer, but unfortunately I don't have much of a relationship with my bmom. She has a lot of emotional and psychological problems that make it extremely difficult to have a normal relationship with her. I do have a fairly decent relationship with one of my aunts and cousin though and I am thankful for that. To get to my point, I think part of the reason I have always held my bmom at a distance is because I feel like I needed to have some control over the situation and that has been my way to gain it. Her giving me up for adoption was out of my control and her finding me was out of my control. I know this is going to sound strange but I sometimes envy adoptees who were the ones in control of the reunion. I don't think I would have ever sought my bmom out if she didn't find me. I am thankful she gave me up for adoption and I am thankful I know where I came from, but I still feel bitterness at her. Sometimes I can't quite place why I feel anger at her. It is for a number of reasons. Can any found adoptees relate to the feeling of wishing they were the ones who would have like to find on their own terms and in their own time.

thanks in advance to everyone.
michelle

[kune]

Michelle
I'm the exact opposite - I'm a bmom who was found by my son so......my perspective is very different to yours.

I see this is your first post so.....welcome to the forums. I'm hoping you will not think I am blasting you - I'm trying to explain what (maybe) your Bmom hasn't been able to. Maybe if you saw it from a Bmom's perspective you could move on.

Firstly, I feel for you being bitter and angry and out of control. And I fear that at age 44 you allow these emotions to color your world.

I hope you will see that your Bmom allowed you to rule her heart from conception to birth? When she found she was pregnant I am sure she could have chosen how much heartache she went through and opted to abort, but instead she let you develop and grow and did everything she could to nurture you and keep you safe for 9 months. Then, when you were born, she went along with what everyone told her was the feasible option...."adoption was the best thing for the child". Told "Don't be selfish....this child needs a two parent family". So....she handed you to strangers.

She has a lot of emotional and psychological problems that make it extremely difficult to have a normal relationship with her

Do you think these problems may be a result of her action 44 years ago? Do you think the shame of being a birthmother..(giving your child away to strangers), may be too much for her and sometimes she just crumbles?

Do you want your birthmother in your life, or are you happy just knowing who she is and where you came from and having occasional contact with baunt & cousin?. The choice is yours. Your bmom can't force you to care for her or to contact her. It's up to you what relationship is formed or if you want to take your "now" relationship forward.

Reunion is never easy. It's two people biologically linked and bound together, yet total strangers to each other. Neither one nor the other has control of a reunion. It has a life of its own dependant on how much time and love and need and communication there is.

Ann

[reiscmi]

Ann, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I think you are most definitely right that my bmom's psychological issues ( she is bipolar) are partially related to giving me up for adoption.
starting to read the posts on this forum and I now feel selfish for my feelings regarding my reunion. I feel I need to be more greatful for it because so many adoptees are desperately seeking bmom. At least my origins are no mystery anymore.
As far as having more contact with my bmom. I feel scared to do so. As a result of her psychological problems she has said many hurtful things to me. One of them being she wished my adoptive parents dead because they did not wish to meet with her. I don't think she would actually hurt them, I think she just wished to have me all to herself. She had a fantasy about our reunion and I think she thought I would become the daughter she always longed for.
thank you again for reply,
michelle

[kune]

Michelle
How about sending your Mom the Reunon Survival Guide or something similar so she can see that she is not the only person to feel a lesser person because of what she missed. For a reunion to work it both parties need to have worked on their past baggage and have made a commitment to work on the future and learn from the past.

Good thoughts being sent your way - Hoping for Knowledge and understanding by your bmom so you can both have what you want and need.

Ann

[gemini678]

Hi Michelle,
I'm not in the exact same situation but I understand and agree with a lot of what you are saying. I have the anger and the bitterness towards HER too but I don't think my feelings will diminish. As a kid, I searched for HER on numerous occasions, I found her twice. It probably would have done my heart good if SHE had searched for me. At least then, I would've have known that I was on her mind.
I think SHE is/was(no longer have contact with HER) jealous of how fondly I speak of my mother. I think SHE wanted me to refer to HER with the same respect. I could not. I too stay in contact with cousins that I've met during this but it gets hard at times b/c they don't understand that this is something that I will never forget and it's a part of me.
I'm not too sympathetic towards Her, as you can tell, but I know every bmother and situation is different, so I try not to take what SHE did(or didn't do in my case) out on everyone else.

[reiscmi]

Gemini - I too can relate to your pain towards your birthmom. I don't speak to mine anymore either. I don't I ever want to see her again. When I think about it, i think it would just be too painful for me. I will never forgive her for wishing my aparents dead. I think at some level she wished I didn't have such a great relationship with them so that she could waltz back into my life and be my "mother". Not once did she say she was thankful to them for raising me and loving me. She even said "well every child feels loyal to their parents even when they are abusive". She is just too screwed up for me to handle. It was VERY hard for me when I realized how screwed up she to not take it personally. I was born from this crazy lady. Now I realize I am Michelle a unique individual and even though she did give birth to me I am NOT her. I find her to be selfish and insensitive to my feelings and aparents feelings.

I am sorry that you a struggling with anger "issues" also towards your birthmom. Hopefully, one day we can put our anger behind us and move on.

[lonni]

I had never heard of moms finding the adoptee,until I came online and met some Moms from Austrailia. I adore my friends who are nat.moms and have learned so much from them.However, I NEEDED to be the one to search-period. That is the only point I seem to differ on from them,but only because it was my "need" not just an opinion. Some Mother's say it is symbolic to reclaim the child you lost.That was why they recommended it.

[reiscmi]

Lonni - Sorry, I'm confused by your post. Are you an adoptee or a natural mother? sorry for my confusion.

[lonni]

Sorry- he he,
I am an adoptee.

[reiscmi]

If I may ask, how would you have felt if you were the one who was found my your bmom? Why was it such a strong need for you to be the one who searched?

Was it the same reasons as me? that I wanted to have control over something when previously I had no control and I wanted to be the one to decide when and where if at all there would be a reunion. I personally don't think it is appropriate for a bmom to initiate a reunion.

I understand if you may not want to answer any of my questions.

[lonni]

Originally Posted by reiscmi

If I may ask, how would you have felt if you were the one who was found my your bmom? Why was it such a strong need for you to be the one who searched?

Was it the same reasons as me? that I wanted to have control over something when previously I had no control and I wanted to be the one to decide when and where if at all there would be a reunion. I personally don't think it is appropriate for a bmom to initiate a reunion.

I understand if you may not want to answer any of my questions.

Well, I was not aware that it had to do with controling things, but learning more about abandonement issues has taught me that it is. In my heart, I was feeling like "you
LEFT me" and closed the door on me and I will be the one to open that door back up,not you. Of course that sounds childish, but I read that we do react out of infantile emotions as adoptees.
I would have been resentful if she found me. Seems so odd,because I don't "think" that, but my adoptee heart certainly "feels" it..

[gemini678]

Michelle - We seem to have much in common with this issue. SHE never called and thanked my mother for doing what she did. My mother asked about HER(when we were communicating) all the time. SHE never once called or made an effort to show my mother appreciation.

My situation is a little different. SHE left me at my mother's house when I was two months old and my mother took me in and raised me. This is why I feel SHE owes my mother something. My mother wasn't prepared to raise an infant but she did.

lonni - I think I would have been resentful if SHE would have searched for me, but in my case SHE didn't have to search, SHE knew exactly where I was. Does that make sense?? Why didn't SHE check up on me?? If SHE was nervous about it, once I initiated my search at 9 yrs old, that should have told HER that it was okay for her to come around. But instead, SHE disappeared AGAIN. SHE didn't want to be bothered with me and I didn't get that as a kid, so I kept searching. I do agree, in a sense, that it's not the birthmother's right to contact but in my case I would have known SHE thought of me or was concerned.

If I just confused any of you, don't worry b/c I just confused myself. This is an issue, even though I am in the situation, I don't have an understanding of it myself.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lonni

Well, I was not aware that it had to do with controling things, but learning more about abandonement issues has taught me that it is. In my heart, I was feeling like "you LEFT me" and closed the door on me and I will be the one to open that door back up,not you. Of course that sounds childish, but I read that we do react out of infantile emotions as adoptees.I would have been resentful if she found me. Seems so odd,because I don't "think" that, but my adoptee heart certainly "feels" it..

I have read the responses to the post and the threads I have certainly found helpful. I am a bmother 14 months into reunion and I as a bmom have never felt that I should search for my son, as I felt such a bad person for giving him up in the first place. In the 70's the pressure was on - you were told all kinda stuff and there was not the facilities to raise children like there is today. Stigma, shame, worthlessness, I can see why some suffer bipolar. I pretty much have for most of my life. Relinquishing my child was the worst thing possible. I find my son emotionally devastated by adoption issues and he certainly has (restrained) anger issues. I've spent 29 years beating myself up for being put in the position of giving him to parents in a closed adoption and I could never give him what they have provided - security etc etc. I understand his anger (Primal Wound - very helpful, although an agonising read for any bmother) but he just didn't want to be raised by anyone except me.

How can a bmother, who has thanked the aparents for all that they have done, has apologised to my son for the pain that adoption has caused him, how can I help my son through his anger? I can't. He has problems with drinking too much and his moods he takes out on me on the phone, so I have had to withdraw the option of being able to phone me. I have pain, angst, very deep pain.

I really relate to your saying about wanting to be in control. In my case, my son has a fantasy about me and what my role is in his life and I can't live the fantasy - he needs to control me and I can't be controlled. Up to now, I feel damaged from the past year of contact with him. He phoned me recently and something died in me with the venom that he spat out. So please, if you have been able to cope with your anger, if you have been able to move on, please tell me how - it would help enormously if my son could.

[reiscmi]

Gemini - I agree we do have a lot of the same feelings regarding our adoptions. I am not glad we are both feeling such pain, but it is nice to know that I am not alone. That has been the hardest feeling to deal with over the years. I have always felt like I had no one to talk to about my adoption "issues" that would truly understand. Everyone would say how I was "chosen" and that I should be so thankful to my parents for raising me. They just never GOT it. This message board has been such a blessing to me. I finally am getting validation for my feelings and I am able to lend the same support to others.

[gemini678]

reiscmi - I was told the same thing, that I was fortunate and blessed, yadda yadda yadda. I won't deny that I am blessed and things could have been worse but does that mean that 'she' is off the hook? In my opinion, 'she' doesn't get the credit for the way things turned out, 'she' should have been there to make sure things worked out.

I have been told repeatedly to leave the past in the past but this is a part of my present and always will be. How do I embrace the woman that abandoned me??