[historynh]

D.O.B. 2/8/1969
Trenton, New Jersey

After reading so many threads about why birthmothers do not search for their lost children, I must say that I do understand the fears involved in finding someone lost for so long. Will the child resent me? Will he/she ask me for financial support? Will I be able to keep a healthy relationship with my other children?

I feel the need to state (even though no one may read this) without reservation that I am a well adjusted, well educated, and certainly not naive 36 year old. What many of us adoptees desire is simply to know a medical history or perhaps the circumstances of our birth. For any birthparent who may be reading this, certainly there are no guarantees in life, but you made the selfless decision once for your child's welfare, now make it again and give us all some peace of mind.

[Richard Justin]

Hi History. Wouldn't it be a neat and orderly world if there was always a clear best path to solutions for problems. There would be so much less angst and pain and unhappiness. Perhaps if people were more instinctual and less emotional... more existential and less multi-dimensional... more organic and less spiritual... but it's just not going to happen.

I have given much thought to your premise that birthparents should bear the responsibility to initiate the search/reunion process. As you say, they did create the whole adoption situation in the first place, and they are the ones with the answers most adoptees seek. I would even go so far as to say that they should be responsible because they ARE the parents. The child should not have to ask the parents to act parentally (if that is even a word). But then I come to the paradox: many birthparents feel they are being responsible adults by not intruding in a life and a family they have not been a part of, ever! I'm not talking about those who would be martyrs, but of those who make reasoned, rational choices to continue to abide by decisions made decades ago. Is that a wrong position? I would have a hard time disputing it.

Adoptees certainly start with questions and wonder why answers aren't more easily forthcoming. That is only natural and fair! Since adoptees start young and slowly mature, their perspectives slowly change from helplessness, through some degree of resentment or anger, to some degree of acceptance (or resignation). But their questions still need answers! Should they just wait indefinitely, or does a time come when they should take more control?

I used to think that the degree of need (for answers, for fulfillment, for completeness) would determine who could rightfully initiate the search/reunion process. Need- and sometimes neediness- still drives many adoptees and birthparents alike. But I now believe that what SHOULD drive initiation of the process is empowerment. The person who feels empowered will take responsibility rather than assign it. The person who feels empowered will act rather than wait to react. The person who feels empowered is best positioned to have a positive effect on the outcome of the search/reunion process.

Well, History, this has been a long reply to your very concise request. I apologize. Sometimes I like to get all my thoughts on a topic into print. Brevity has never been my forte. And all I wanted to say was don't wait for someone else to bring you peace of mind. Go after it yourself.

Rich

[Montraviatommyg]

History,

I agree with what you're saying and wish life was that simple. For myself, although I wanted to be reunited with my bson, when it did happen it opened a can of worms in some ways as for the first time in 23 years I talked fully about his adoption. I did not choose to have my bson adopted, I was bullied, pressured, and, went through emotional blackmail until I signed my rights away to be a mother to my son. I was honest with my son about why he was adopted and it bothered him deeply that I was put through such pain. There have been times when I have been in tears while talking to my bson over the phone then felt guilty for crying even though he wanted me to be honest.

Honesty is the best policy but adoptees should also be prepared to hear things they don't like. My bson and I had to work through so much including painful stuff but we got through it with perserverance.

Another point is that many of us were told we would not/could not search as that was the law and as a naive 19 year old I believed this. As I got older part of me was curious enough to wonder about searching but didn't mainly due to fear that he wouldn't want to know me and I didn't have a clue how to. I also had it fixed in my brain 'I wouldn't be allowed to'. My bson searched for me for 5 years as I later found out but I found him by accident as I went on a website that he had put my details on. My bit of revenge on those who pressured me into the adoption and the social worker who told me I couldn't search was to email him which I have never regretted. Even better revenge is to still be in reunion 8 months on and I wouldn't have it any other way. In an ideal world all birth parents would search but unfortunately we are only human and go through our own fears and insecurites.

Philippa

[blankenb4]

I agree with Richard. He says, "many birthparents feel they are being responsible adults by not intruding in a life and a family they have not been a part of, ever! " This is how I felt for many years, and still do to a certain extent. I as a birthmom did decide to search so that if my birth daughter was searching for me, I could make it easy for her. The agency contacted her aparents who informed her of my wishes for contact. She is not ready at this time. I respect her wished, even though I long to hear her voice and to meet her.

Hugs,

Barbara