[LovingGuy]

Hi Everyone,

I am seeking help because I just don't understand. Maybe, understanding will help me help the woman that I truly love.

I have been dating an adoptee for almost a year. It's been a very on-and-off relationship. We've had some great highs and some terribly deep lows over this time.

I knew from day-one that she was an adoptee. I asked her a bit about it at the time, but rather than probing and prying, I thought that I would let her talk to me about it on her own time. It's not that I wasn't interested, I just thought that I was being sensitive in respecting her privacy. And, quite frankly, she's no less beautiful a person to me because she was adopted, so I didn't bring it up.

As I said, we've been on-and-off. I haven't always said or done the right thing - I freely and apologetically admit that. Honestly, sometimes, I've been a true @ss. I've discovered, recently, that one of my biggest frustrations is that she doesn't tell me much about herself. She is always asking me about me and my experiences, but I find at the end of any conversation, that I don't know any more about her. She always deflects questions with the same question directed at me. This is so frustrating and made it difficult for me to get what I needed.

Because of all of the turmoil that we've experienced, I only recently told her that I loved her. I hoped that FINALLY communicating how I felt about her, something that I have felt for a long time, would create an open dialogue and we would be able to better understand each other. It's up for debate whether it helped or hurt.

Not long ago, we sat down and she told me about her recent problems. She is searching for her birth mother, but it seems that she doesn't want to communicate. This really is hurting this girl that I love. I want to comfort her. I want to let her talk about it, vent, cry, or whatever I can do to be there for her in her time of pain. She pushes me away. I can understand, given our previous experiences, but I don't like to see her hurting. I want to ease the pain. I want to create life of love and happiness between us.

Every since she told me about her pain, I have been struggling with how I can help her trust me with her feelings. She is such a beautiful, caring person inside, but I only see it through a hole in the wall that she's built up around herself.

What can I do to support her? What can I say so that she can understand that I truly am in love with her?

Thank you very much.

I apologize for the fragmented thoughts and sentences. Maybe there's something in all of this that will tweak someone who has been through this and can ask me to elaborate or offer me some advice.

[hprestonalexand]

I would first like to say that I am proud of you for trying to be there for this woman that you so deeply care for, it is very commendable. Some people who are involved with an adopted person are simply lost and overwhelmed with all the emotional ups and downs and frustration that we as adoptees deal with.

Yes, some adoptees put up the emotional barrier "the walls" and it is difficult to break through that sometimes.

I don't think when my husband and I were dating that I told him right away about my adoption. It took me some time. I don't know what your girlfriends childhood was like, mine was not the best and because of that, I had allot of resentment and emotions to deal with.
We have been married almost 5 years now and he is my rock! And he is able to be my rock because when I finally confided in him, he reached out to me, supported me, tried to understand. Most of all, it was his words that proved to me that I could trust him with what is the most emotional and scary and private thing in my life, my adoption experience.
He told me, he may not know what I am feeling because he has not gone through it, but he loves me more than life itself and would not let me tread this journey alone. He promised to stick it out with me ALL THE WAY, and he has. He is keeping his promise. Now no one is perfect, there are moments when he is frustrated or irritated at me because I spent that $25. on a search again knowing it wouldn't get me anywhere. And he asks, "why put yourself through that when you've already been down that road". Sometimes I am blind to how obsessed I get in my search for my birth mother, but most of the time he is there to be my savior, my support and my clarity, Lol

Sometimes, you have to just wait. Sometimes an adopted person all of a sudden has a realization, "hey, I can trust this person, who truly loves me and cares". For an adopted person, dealing with these feelings, mostly on our own, it's sometimes scary to invite someone new in and let them help us. I guess isn't a trust thing? Adoptees deal with many different emotions at very different time. Everyone is different, every experience different.

Sir, I think so far, you are doing wonderful. There is no quick fix to this. I don't have exact advice to give you, and I hope she does not pull away from you because her experience and search is too straining on you. I hope she opens up and invites you in to help support her, because from what I can tell, that is what you want to do. Just be prepared. I have give my husband a worlwind of emotions and left his head spinning at times. But he is a trooper and just seems to be able to give me a hug at the right time. I will mention though that we really went through a rough patch a little over a year ago. And that was hard, I was pulling away from him because he was tired and would forget just how much affection, admiration, validation and love I required. We are doing ok now.

I am very proud of you. I think you should look into some books to read about what you are going through. In-fact I just got done reading a book called Lost & Found, It has allot of helpful info and a chapter specific to adoptees and spouses.

Keep writing if you want to, to chat, and learn.
I wish you the best of luck here.
Give you girlfriend a big hug for me, she probably needs it.
You might want to mention to her to come here to the forum herself. There are allot of people who would love to talk with her.
Take care:

[LovingGuy]

Thank you for the reply.

I never realized anything about her being an adoptee. I never realized that there was so much underlying turmoil that she felt.

Like I said, we've had some tough times. I thought that it was all a control thing and that she acted out only to get her way. I am learning that I was very wrong.

It only came to light after this past weekend when she told me of her search. I never thought that she was hurting so much. I can't imagine what is going on in her heart.

I'm not sure how "wonderful" I have been in her life, but now I know that my approach has been all wrong. My impressions and assumptions didn't fit our relationship.

I don't expect everything over night, but I will stand by her and help her trust that I am willing to be there for the long haul. She deserves it. Now, I know that.

She truly deserves love, caring and support. And, I will move mountains to give her that.

[Sammie86Sosa]

Your a great man. You have done the right thing comming here and asking for support. Be honest with her about everything, and remember it isnt easy on ether end............................................... ...........

[LovingGuy]

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.

I hope to one day _deserve_ your kudos, but I have to try to repair the damage that I've done by "ignoring" the complexity of the issue that this special girl endures.

I have always been honest with her, and that's where my frustration has come from: I didn't feel that she was being honest. I now have a better understanding of where it all stems from.

Her [adopted] mother passed away two years ago in May. I want to spend that day with her and I have told her that this was my intention. Does anyone have experience with this? Should I let her have the day to herself or do something special? I don't want to take away from the day for her.

Thanks again for all of your help. Reading this forum, and discussing everything, has helped me put things into better perspective.

[Lis6191]

LovingGuy, each of us is different but there are many common issues among those adopted, the 7 core issues are: Identity, Control, Guilt/Shame, Grief, Loss, Rejection, and Intimacy. I know that I tested my hubby, we've been together 18 yrs, married for 14 now and I tested him before we got married and after. I tried to push him away and I gave him many opportunities to leave -- which is what I always expected him to do (somewhere in my subconscious). We were left by our first mothers, that information is buried in our subconscious, we don't forget it, and we expect everyone else to leave us too.

If she found her bmom and was rejected again, she may not be able to come up with the words to express her loss or her feelings. I struggled to find the words when my bmom found me. I ran and distanced myself from everyone. Mourning the loss of my birthparents began at age 7 and since it was not acceptable to talk about my birthparents, I mourned alone. My feelings and thoughts about my adoption were always handled alone. And frankly, some of the things that come out of our mouth sounds soooo silly, why bother telling anyone . . ..

Good luck to you. Let us know if you have any other questions.