[PrInCeSsInNY23]

Hello. First of all, I just want to say up front that this is not a global belief and that this is ONLY how I feel about ME.

The question that is running around in circles through my mind right now is how long is too long to search? I have been searching for almost 10 years now and I am STILL in the same place I started. I feel like I am frozen in space, completely unable to move. I hit yet ANOTHER dead end yesterday. I went to the NY library, as someone posted here that they had a geneology section. i went with understanding that it wasnt going to be easy and accepting that it might NOT work but that I would be no worse off than I am now.

Well to make a long story short, it turned out that I wasted my time AND money going there because my records were not going to be there since I was not born in one of the 5 boroughs. OH and the librarian's attempt to make me feel better..I dont think westchester county has a geneology section! I think this is a sign telling me to stop and let her find me if she so desires. My BIGGEST fear is that I will be on my deathbed NEVER knowing who I really am.

I love that I found this board becuase I know now that I am NOT alone in how I feel. Yet I see ALL these birthmothers and siblings trying to find their "missing family members" and in all the time Ive been posting here I have never seen anyone who is looking for me. Why should she WANT to look for me? I guess thats really my answer. If she WANTED to find me she would have by now...right? So what is the point of searching anymore? I have NO information about her that is going to get me ANYWHERE. I have non-id info but all that tells me is that she was an accountant and she graduated high school. I even tried looking on classmates.com and even that didnt help.

My friends have been very helpful but there is nothing they can do that I havent tried before. They dont want me to give up but they dont understand what its like to have a piece of their soul taken out by someone who doesnt even want to put it back...they dont understand what its like for someone to have the power to not let you know who you really are..they dont understand what its like to spend years looking for someone who doesnt want to be found.

I really dont know how much longer I can go on feeling like this. I feel like everday I am getting a little bit weaker and farther away from ever finding her. Sometimes my heart feels SO heavy that I LITERALLY cannot breathe. I cant even trust anyone because she was the FIRST of a LONG line of people who walked away from me. I told my best friend the other night that "I was thrown away the day I was born and its been that way ever since." How do you overcome these feelings? How long do you all yourself to have these feelings until you finally decide to stop searching. If anyone has ANY suggestions, it would be GREATLY appreciated. Jen

[historynh]

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry this search has taken such a heavy burden upon your soul. I too have felt quite irritated by the fact that no one seems to be looking for me either, and I've been more than available online for over 5 years. I too lack any information regarding my birthparents and my adoptive parents both died in 1983 when I was 14, so there is obviously no hope in getting any info out of them.

It sounds like you may need a breather from your search and just to talk to other people who emphathize with your frustration.

Sometimes it helps me to look at the situation this way. My birthmom may be too frightened to try and search for me because she is afraid of what she may find. All I can do is keep hoping she has the courage to do what is right, and give me the satisfaction of knowing my origins that the idiotic legal system took away from me.

All the best -
Alison

[nugget]

Hey, my search took 14 years so I get where you are coming from. Totally get it.
Why wasn't she looking for me?
Why would she want to look for me?
Oh please know I totally get it....and still do in so many ways.
Please know this is MY story, I hope you have happier results. My story after 14 years was that my birth mother died a year after placing me, at birth.She will never post looking for me.My search continued,I found an older half sister.She knew nothing about me but has welcomed me.Am in contact with my birth mothers sister, again knew nothing about me but has allowed me into her life.
So my 14 year search is moving on the 15 as I continue to try and find one more sibling that no one seems to know about, and a birth father whom I have no name for.

Know, you are allowed to take breaks. For me, my hubyy usually has to point out to me when it is time for a breakI don't like to call myself obsessed........I am a bit though. For each big or tiny answer, I need more.
I find these forums are very helpful in reading others stories. I also find them a bit painful at times when I see birth mothers searching and happy reunions. But the pain is less and I can smile usually for the happy endings and feel for those still looking.
I do hope you might get some birth family responses here as well. I have often read where they feel it is up to the adoptee to search becuase they don't feel they have the right to intrude in your life.
Please make sure to look under New Yorks search as I think some of the laws have changed?
Hugs to you and remember to take care of you,as you are by posting in the first place!!
Wendy

[Richard Justin]

Hi Jen. I want to bear witness to what Wendy said about birth parents feeling they have no right to search. For me, it started when my pregnant girlfriend told me to go away- that she never wanted to see me again. Then she and her parents chose to list the father as "unknown" on the birth certificate rather than have to include me in decisions about adoption. Her parents also gave her no choice about adoption, but just told her it had to be! She was sent to a home for unwed mothers where she was told repeatedly that adoption was a final act and she had no rights to ever "intrude" on the life of her son and his new family. Those were the sixties, and society then pretty much reinforced those views. Twenty-five years later I went into clinical depression, mainly because of my unresolved feelings about having a son I'd never known. Five years of off and on therapy and a renewed spiritual aspect to my life brought me to the point of wanting/needing to search for my son. My first step was to contact the birthmother. She was still of the belief that search and reunion should be the choice of our son, not us. We didn't even know if he knew he was adopted. When I decided to go ahead with a search two years later, she was very angry with me and has refused to have any contact with me since. I tell you all this to show that there are STRONG emotions, fears, and perceived social taboos that birthparents have to come to grips with, and some never do.

Now let me change the subject. Once I determined that I was going to search for my son, I knew I didn't want a long indefinite search. In my state (WA) adoption records can be opened by court order through a licenced intermediary. I hired one and let her do the search. It took about two months of actual search time, though circumstances of life lengthened it to about four months. It cost quite a bit, which I know can be an issue, but I took about a year to save the money and am very thankful that I did. A ten year search (or five, or three) would have driven me right back into depression, I'm sure. So if there is the option in New York for a professional to access sealed records, I highly recommend that route.

I've been in reunion with my son for just over four years, and it remains life-changing. (By the way, he also thought it should be the birth parent that should search, so he and the birthmother never would have met.) Please don't give up. Don't wait for or bemoan the lack of other people searching. You have the need and you have the right, and maybe it is meant to be that you will bring the thrill of being found to your birthmom rather than her to you. Does it really matter that much? Being reunited is the goal and the reward. How it happens will become less and less important.

I wish you luck, faith, and determination.

Rich

[snuffie]

Oh Jen I have so been where you are now! And I am still there because I am trying to find my bdad. I am reunited with my birthmom's side (she is deceased.)
There are so many times that I have felt like giving up. I would leave the search alone for a while and then start back up again. And if I hadn't kept going I would not be where I am today - a reunited adoptee. If I hadn't told myself just one more clue, just one more step etc. - I wouldn't know my 8 siblings.
I, too, wondered why my bdad is not searching. But I agree with some other posters. Some just don't know they CAN search and even if they did they don't know where to begin.
It's a scary thing to open up emotions long buried too.

In my own case, I am going to keep searching for the rest of my life until I have the answers, good, bad, wonderful, awful.
Maybe if you put your search on a "back burner" for a short while and keep occupied with something else an idea will come to you which sends you in the right direction.
Best wishes to you.
Snuffie

[ufoattack]

If you really want to find out, hire a private detective. If you really want to find your birth mother, it will cost you probably about $1000. I had a friend who worked for a P.I. and that was the amount they charged, although an easier search will probably be cheaper. If you're serious about it, let a pro do the work. Other than that, keep searching your whole life.

Also, my wife found her birth mother, who had originally filed a CTC form, but had done little after that because she had mistakenly assumed that the adoptee is given all of the info and all the adoptee has to do is sign a form and presto, the adoptee is reunited with the mother. It is not the case. My wife's birth mother was emotionally rocked by the reunion but it has been an awesome experience. She had 2 more children and we know them and consider them all family now. It is really hard for the birth mom to move on with their lives, you have to understand that they think about the child all the time but don't want to intrude on YOUR life. Many have feelings of guilt too. Anyway, good luck!

[mlr3475]

I read your story, I feel the same. The only difference, Ive been looking for my sister for 10 years now. Its hard seeing these sights where everyones top priority is their mom. My dad lost his daughter, my sister, and noones looking for him. Even if she begins to search, she'd be looking for her mother (who wants nothing to do with her) not her father. Its very frustrating. We cant give up though, never, contact the place you were put up for adoption and get non-identifying info, its your legal right to do so! dont let them tell you otherwise. You can at least get birthdates. good luck and email me if you'd like mlr3475@yahoo.com

[Mary Lu]

There is no such thing as too long! But you may wish to take a step back and relax a little. And who knows - the answer could be right under your nose.

In my case, my daughter and I were literally both posted on this website's reunion registry - yet, out of impatience, we did not carefully view the other postings. It was literally 6 years from the time I posted until the time I realized that my daughter had posted right underneath me three years later - in other words, we were both listed there for 3 years without knowing it. When she posted, she did not realize the connection because there were some discrepancies in our information.

We had different birthdates listed and different adoption states listed. My attention was grabbed by her birthname and the city where she was born. Funny thing - I thought she was adopted in one place, she thought another, and now we know it was a third place. 'Had I not contacted her after spotting the birth name and city, we'd still be out there searching with information that didn't match.

So - be open to possible discrepancies in the search information and even re-visit places you've searched before. And try to manage your search so it does not become an obsession while you live in the present.

If/when the timing is right, you'll find each other. Believe that!

[vicrose]

Jen,
I feel for you; Ny is a tough state to find any info. I am very surprised to find that the NY Library couldn't be of any help. I actually hired a PI; because after 20 years of hurting so much....I couldn't take the pain anymore....I needed to know who my birthmother/father was, where they came from, what did they look like....and the list goes on!! To make a long story short...I found birthmother, and although there was never any reunion; because she chooses not to have any contact...I am still searching for birthfather....and will shortly be running a personal in the Poughkeepsie Journal.....I will exclude any of her info....as she still lives there, and I respect her need for no contact!! It was both hurtful and eye opening when I found out who she was......she was a living breathing human being......I wish you the best in your search....because I know how heart wrenching these seaqrches can truly be.....pm me anytime if you just need to vent or chat!! Brenda

[Umbilical child]

Here is a saying I believe sits well with my search and susequent journey through a developing relationship with my Bmum...........
"There is no short cut to somewhere worth going"
Good luck Jen and take care. (((xxx)))

[irisheyes33]

Jen, it's been a while since your first post on this thread...I'm hoping you have made some headway or are at least in a better place...I know just how frustrating this can be.

My search took 17 years. Yep, count 'em...17. It was on a few months, off a few months. I screamed, I cried, I got depressed, I got angry, I got frustrated...sometimes all at once. My husband put up with all of this and I know it took a toll on him. I kept asking myself just what in the world I was doing...why weren't my birthparents looking for ME, after all? Why was I even bothering with this? Something made me keep going.

17 years of this, and I was met with rejection from my birthmother. You can imagine what this did to me.

She was contacted by an intermediary, so I still didn't have her full name or address. She was not angry, I was told...in fact, she was quite emotional and happy to hear that I was alive and well. I didn't understand her reaction at all. I stepped back for several months, angry, hurt, unable to continue...but something told me I had to.

In a miracle 24 hour period, with the help of some search angels and a bizarre chain of events, I had the address and phone number of my birth aunt, who I knew had been a tremendous support to my birthmother throughout her pregnancy. I held my breath, picked up the phone, and called my aunt...and it was wonderful.

So after 17 years of absolute @#$%, I was now among the REUNITED...and happily too. My aunt was able to convince my birthmother to talk to me. My maternal birthfamily and I are all extremely close now. It has been more than worth it.

I understand all the brick walls...I was working with common names, people who moved in and out of the country, multiple marriages, unlisted addresses, inaccurate non-identifying information, red tape, red tape, red tape...it was neverending.

Try to keep going. Take a break if you need it. You will probably need it. Sometimes when you step back and then look again, things start to add up that didn't before...

...and don't throw away ANYTHING. No matter how insignificant something seems, it may prove to be that little tidbit you need to finish your search. Trust me on this one.

Please hang in there...(((hugs)))

[spyderchick]

It took me 22 years to find my birthmother and although it was very frustrating and emotional at times it was all worth it. Now when I pick up the phone and hear her voice all the years of pain and sorrow just melt away.

She lives 10 minutes away and has welcomed me into her family and for the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. This will be our first Mother's Day together and just being able to tell her I love her in person on that day will make the past 22 years of searching all worthwhile.

Take a break but then go back to searching and try again if it is something you really feel you need to make your life complete. I know I needed it and wanted it so I never gave up.

Good Luck!