[nugget]

I just need to vent, I'm feeling down today.
My family...well my husband has been so suportive in my search. He has sttod by my side for the past ten years of it.
This past July I found out why my birth mother was not posting on any of the registries. She passed away a year after having and placing me. I miss her. I long for her. I know things might have been difficult with a reunion, I just wish she had the choice to meet me or not. My heart hurts for a woman I never got to know. The pain is so real and yet I feel like no one can understand.
For so many years I told friends and family that I was searching so I could find medical history. That was my defense so that if my mom didn't want to meet me I could say I didn't care.
I care.
I have met the most wonderful person, she is my half sister. I am still afraid she will go away even after 5 smooth months.
There is so much going on with my continued search for my birth father and other siblings that I'm able to push some of the feelings aside.
The truth is that I still can't deal with my feelings. I see new finds and new relationships starting on these boards and I am so excited and happy for these people. I am also so envious. I will bo ok I know.
I just miss my mom, and it really hurts.

[paigeturner]

Nugget,

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad! I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. One of my biggest fears is that I'll finally get news on my son and find out that he's ill or gone. There's no reason for me to think that but the not knowing makes me crazy.

I'm happy for you that you've build a relationship with your sister. Good luck with your search for your birthfather.

Paige

[ingodshands]

First, let me say I am sorry you are hurting. You are grieving. It's ok to feel like you do. Don't beat yourself up, because you are not over it yet.

Can I ask, have you visited your bmom's grave, if she was buried? I know that is a personal question, but the reason I ask is: Maybe, if you haven't, you could? Spend some time alone, where she was buried, talking through your thoughts, out loud. Put some flowers down for her..

I know the feeling of "being envious" of others. You wish you had what they have, that is perfectly natural, as well as being happy and excited for them.

Keep talking, it helps...
Collette

[blankenb4]

nugget,

I feel your pain. Can you "visit" your mom through your sister and pictures. I agree with Collette, that visiting her grave could possibly help.

I am a birth mother who would like to meet her birth daughter. She is not ready for contact. I do know that she is alive and well. That I am thankful for. I know the feelings of happiness for others, and I know the feelings of envy. It's a range of emotions that can change from day to day. I was feeling down yesterday, but woke up this morning with new resolve.

Best wishes,

Barbara
ISO bdaughter 6-6-71

[InionGrinn]

Hi nugget - as an adoptee myself I can really understand how you feel. I am not reunited with my birthmom, and I'm amazed at how much emotion has come out of my simple search for "information". InGodsHands said it - you're grieving. I know how that feels.

Collette and Barbara have some good ideas, maybe by visiting your mom's grave or perhaps the church she attended when she was living, or going through pictures of your mother. You should really not discount your grief , it deserves attention and validation so you can get to a place where you can have some closure and acceptance.

I'll keep you in my thoughts as you work through this difficult time.. Can you share your feelings with your birthsister? I imagine she has some grief about your mom's death, too?

[Volfe]

Hugs Nugget -

I know much of your story (since I stalk you!) so have no suggestion, only hugs
I will say though, that your love for your sister and your mother and the siblings you seek... is somewhat of a driving force for me in my insistence that we (bfamily) have meaning, substance... to yall. I am extremely sad that you are sad b/c I cannot help (grr).

Hugs my friend!

Maia

[nugget]

Wow you guys, thanks so much for understanding!
There is not a grave for me to visit althouhg when I visited my sister back in October we did go to the accident site. That was kind of healing in a way. I think what I'm going through now is 25+ years of imagining our first meeting and dealing with the fact that the dream will for sure never happen. Don't get me wrong, I did know that the door could be slammed in my face. I just never imagined that it would be closed and locked with no key.
Talking to my sister has been helpful but I also need to be careful with that. My sister stayed with our mom so she was 6 when she died. That means she has had 31 years to deal with her death so we are on very different levels with that.
Also during our visit I got copies of all of the photos of mom that she had. I put them in my "adoption search" scrapbook. Had a very tough time when I got to the last page of the book you know. Like I will never have a new photo of her. The last page is a 5X7 head shot with "A daisy a day......." under it. This was something written in her funeral sign in book and found it comforting for some reason.
The sad mood hits me less often. It comes at night though when my hubby is at work. I feel better today after seeing I am not so alone and have support from so many people!
I miss my mom AND the dream.
Thanks you all
Wendy
Hi Volfe!!!!

[ingodshands]

You said: "I think what I'm going through now is 25+ years of imagining our first meeting and dealing with the fact that the dream will for sure never happen. Don't get me wrong, I did know that the door could be slammed in my face. I just never imagined that it would be closed and locked with no key."

I think you hit the nail on the head there. It is not only the grieving for her death that hurts you, but the grieving for what could have been, knowing now that it can never happen.

My birthmum does not want contact. I grieve. I have only recognised it as that, since coming on here and reading, and talking about it. I grieve, for what I have missed, and what I will continue to miss.

I'm so sorry hun that the door is closed and locked forever for you, but not intentionally closed and locked. I bet she is looking down on you, watching over you.

One thing, the photos that you have, put one of them in a frame if you feel able, alongside photos of the rest of your family. So you can have a reminder there always, that she was and is in your life, in your thoughts, even if you didn't meet in person.

HUGS
Collette

[blankenb4]

Collette wrote, "One thing, the photos that you have, put one of them in a frame if you feel able, alongside photos of the rest of your family. So you can have a reminder there always, that she was and is in your life, in your thoughts, even if you didn't meet in person."

When my birth daughter was contacted about my wishes her response through her aparents was that she was not ready. But they did send me a copy of her wedding portrait. I have it in a frame alongside the wedding portrait of my daughter in law. It helps.

Hugs,

Barbara

[nugget]

Yes. We are all on the same track!!
After visiting my sis I bought two multi wall frames. I put in photos of my sister and myself, my searcher who may as well be family, and a few of my mom. I also have one (not in a frame) next to my bed.
What is strange and hopefully won't end up being hurtful is I have ZERO family photos out. All of my frames have photos of my dogs in them. I love my afamily as they are family. I never and still don't feel a need to have photos of them out. I may need to reconsidor that before my folks come to visit!
My mom is always with me I know. And finding out I was only one when she passed explained how I got through so much as a teen. She was with me making sure I got through it all. And she led me to my searcher who led me to my truth. At least now I do know that I can always talk to her.
Barbara, I'm sorry she is not ready. It is good to know that she knows you are.
Was it the coolest thing to see her photo? I pretty much went into shock when I saw the first photo of my mom. I finally got to see who I really do look like. That memory still gives me the warm fuzzies!
Hugs
Wendy

[blankenb4]

My first thought when I saw the photo was "WOW". I was mesmerized by having the photo in my possession after 33 years. She looks so much like the daughter that I have raised. And she really looks like my mom's wedding portrait. It's an awesome feeling. And I am at peace that she was raised well and is happy. But I would like to hear her voice and meet her - at least once.

Barbara

[nugget]

I would bet that will happen at some point. Waiting will suck but I am glad her aparents sent you the photo. Mine would never have done that!
Thanks again everyone!
WEndy

[nugget]

Well it's been kind of a tough week for me, and my hubby.
I figured out that one of the problems that I am having also is that I know there are other people out there who knew my mom. Her parents are still living, almost 90 though. And I am stuck with the feeling that I want them to at least know about me. I ran this by my sister (the one raised by our birth family.) And she ould rather I not contact them. Her reason she says is because they might not know about me, I was a product of an affair. And she doesn't want the image of our mom to be destroyed. Understand I probably won't send them a letter because hurting them is the last thing I want to do. But it is so hard to feel like a little secret. And now I feel like I am my sisters little secret you know.
The other thing is there is an "Uncle" on my sisters fathers side who probably, almost for sure knows about everything that happened back then. His name is very common so finding him on my own won't happen. I would have to do that through my sister. I just don't know what her reaction will be and being shoved back into the closet is such a bad feeling.
She and I have so much in commen and I love her and her family, but I want to know more. And the more I want to know the more a wedge seems to come between what we have.
Ugh. All the lies and hiding is driving me nuts!!!!

[nugget]

Hey guys. Kind of a different subject but I really didn't want to start a new post and it is about my mom.
In March my sister and her kids are going to Az to visit her grandparents. They are Dottyes adoptive parents. She and her sister were adopted by them when she was around 7 or 8 years old.
Anyway, I am going to go as well for the weekend as "a friend" of Karens. We don't know if they know about me, we don't think that they do.
Why am I going is what I really had to decide. I'm going a) To form my own opinion of them (up til now it is not a great one but I do considor the sources of info.)
b) To see if they have photos out that I don't have
c) The hope that maybe who I am will come out in the open.
Karen said if they ask or bring anything up then we will spill it.
So I am being very selfish and I do know this. But at the same time I will just observe and not say a thing about who I am so as to not get anyone hurt. Karen invited me, I did not ask if I could go.
The thing I am most nervous about is my hubby can not come. So I will be alone there with a bunch of people who under different circumstances would have been my family. I know the "What ifs" will happen.
Anyway, that's what's going on. I think maybe my mom would be ok with this. I have been told I have a lot of her personality traits. I wonder if sneaky is one of them.
K I will come here to post after the trip or before if I am going nuts!! Thanks for letting me vent, again!!
Wendy

[InionGrinn]

Ooh Wendy, it's exciting! I don't know if I would call it selfish...just curiosity! I think I would jump at that opportunity, too...
your stomach must be in knots...I know I would be thinking that they'd know who I was as soon as they got a look at me...
I don't know if I have any advice for you...but good luck!