[Candiekisses]

I am a b-mom ISO 21 yr old daughter,,Whom I love VERY dearly,I think of her daily!
Wondering does she look like me?
Does she think about me?
Is she searching for me?
Does she want to meet me?
I am having feelings today,that I have never felt and I am scared to death...This morning I read a post from an a-child,after meeting his/her parents he/she felt NOTHING...(How can you feel nothing???)Is what I asked myself? But after thinking about it,I realized this,I have known and thought about my child for 21 yrs,,,she may not even know about me,Or if she does know about me,I KNOW for a fact,That she doesn't know just how much I love her,or that I am thinking about her always,,,,, I never thought about the view of the a-child,Maybe she is comletely happy and doesn't need me coming in messing up her happy life,God it just kills me to think this way,,,,,, I guess what I need to know from you the adoptee is, would you want your b-mom to search for you????and if she found you,would you want her to make contact w/ you??? PLease I need your veiws on this!
Candie a b-mom searching!
ISO daughter born in Aug 1983

[ingodshands]

Bless you honey....

I can only say how I feel personally. I have never been adopted, only fostered in numerous families. This I think is totally different to being adopted. I have never had a "mother" figure around. Mine left me when I was seven, and to this day I see her as my "mother". And to me, no-one on this earth will ever replace her.

For those that have been adopted, it is very different. They know their adoptive parents as their "mother" and "father" because they are the ones that have brought them up, loved and cared for them since birth, or shortly after. Now, I guess, a lot thereafter, depends on what kind of upbringing they have had. Whether they have had a good upbringing, with parents that love and care for them. Or whether they have had an abusive upbringing with not so caring and loving parents.

The ones that have had a good upbringing with their adoptive parents, may not feel the "need" to search or be re-united with their birthparents. They might feel totally whole with how their life already is. Then again, the curiosity, (if they know that they are adopted) might get the better of them, and they may want to find their birthparents.

For the adoptees that have had not such a good upbringing, they might feel like they missed out, on the one thing that most people take for granted, a loving mum and dad. They might want to find them, be in their lives, because they do not feel whole, like they "belong". I know I, for one, really miss not having a "mother" figure in my life. I am not saying I want my mother to "make up" for all the missed years, she cannot. But wouldnt it be nice if she was at the end of the telephone, for me to talk to, hell yeah! It would be nice to be able to write to her, to send her birthday, xmas cards etc. And to see her, wow! that would be very scary......but nothing would mean more to me. Now for me, I dont think it will ever happen. But it does happen, and it does work out for a lot of adoptees/birthparents.

The only thing I will say is, (not in your case Candie) but in other birthmother's cases, PLEASE do not contact/find your birthchild, or let your family do it, if it is not what YOU really want/can deal with. As in my case, I was initially contacted by my birthmother's family, to be kept dangling on a piece of string for years (six) with no intention from her to see me, make the sacrifice to deal with whatever pain she has to, but her family kept making promises, only to break them. That has hurt me more than anything. I have videos, pictures, I can look, but hey! stay away! That's not fair. Then after six years, of keeping me dangling, I get rejected.

Candie, why do you think today has brought out feelings in you that you have never felt before, because of the post you read this morning? I know it is hard sweetie. Some adoptees probably do feel "nothing". They have had their "mom" and "dad" there for them their whole life. You have known all these years that your daughter is out there....you have missed her all these years. How you feel is so different to how some adoptees feel. There is nothing wrong with how you feel, I would be "over the moon" if you were my birthmother. Shame you are not! . But you do not know how your daughter is feeling, if she knows about you, how much you love and miss her. Time will tell, and you will only know these things when you are re-united.

I feel the same about my birthmother, how can she feel nothing, but she told me she does not love me, she only gave birth to me. I can forgive her for leaving me, but to say to me, she doesnt love me, only gave birth to me, that really hurts. Why is she doing it, only she knows.

All I can say to you, you are such a wonderful, caring and loving person. You do what your heart tells you. I will be there for you, to support you the best I know how, for when the time comes. Please do not assume, because one adoptee feels nothing, that they all do, because this is not the case. How could anybody not "take" to you? It's impossible! But it all takes time and patience.

Take care friend

Collette x

[Nicole28]

Candiekisses - thank you for this post!

I'm a 20 year old adoptee in a closed adoption. I have all of my non-identifying information and I'm in contact with a search angel who has been helping me search for a little over a year now. No luck yet...but I try to be positive about it!

I am sure that your daughter thinks about you. I am POSITIVE that she is curious and probably even wants to meet you someday. I know that I think about my birthmom and my adoption every single day...I always wonder if my birthmom is thinking of me, especially on my birthdays, my high school graduation, etc. Mother's Day is always rough for me, too.

Being an adoptee is an incredibly complex emotional roller coaster, and no emotion is simple when you are a young person struggling to form a complete identity. I want to search for my birthmother, but I do not necessarily feel that I would be open to a "relationship" with her. Sometimes my reason for searching is purely factual - I want my medical history, want to know my ethnicity, want to know if I have bio or half siblings. Other days I want to be able to hug my birthmom & to sit and talk with her about her life. Some days I feel lucky for having been adopted, some days I resent the fact that I am not my parent's biological daughter and I HATE knowing that I'm adopted.

I do hope that my birthmom expresses an interest in contacting me at some point, and I hope that she is searching for me, too. The chances of that actually being true are slim to none, or at least I think they are, but if she were to contact me, I'd be open to it - it would depend on where I was in my life.

Good luck to you!!!

[JLynch]

I am an adoptee that has been searching for over 9 years and YES......I want her searching for me. I want her to make contact but I have never had any inclination that she has ever looked. It's driving me crazy!!! (please don't take that literally) I have some of the same feelings you do. What does she look like? Do I look like her. Who WAS my b-father? (that information she withheld) Do I have sisters and brothers?
And I just don't believe that someone has no feelings what so ever. I don't even think that is possible.
I hope you find your daughter. I hope I find my mother. I just want to know something. What if we never do?
Julie

[Candiekisses]

Thank you for your advice,,,I love the opinion of others,,,I so want to meet my daughter,But unfortunately she has a say also,,And I only want what she wants,,,,I owe her that much,,But she is in for a BIG surprise, she has a sister who is 2 yrs older than she is,,and shortly after the adoption I reunited w/ her father and we married,,,,We are happily married 21 yrs now,,she has 2 brothers also, 11 & 16 we are all looking forward to meeting her,I have Never kept her a secret,,As a matter of fact,,,I got about 20-30 pics of her at the time of the final signing,, I have her pics sitting beside of her sister and brothers,And when people ask(How many children do you have I ALWAYS tell them 4 So you see not only will she have me but she will have her whole family,,,,
Candie

[Candiekisses]

Girl, you give me hope!!!!!!! I pray to God my daughter will want me as much as you want your b-mom! Thank you! I have such a love for her it's crazy.....To love someone so much it hurts,,, I got to pick her parents out,,,I fell in love w/ them both, I just couldn't hurt,The a-mom...she was soooo in love aslo w/ my tummy and the baby that was in it,,,,and to hurt her by telling her I wanted to keep my lil girl,would have crushed her,,,
But If I would have known How empy I would have felt leaving the Hospital w/ out my baby,,,(It killed me,) I feel so selfish,But it's the truth,,,,For 21 years all we ever wanted was our lil girl home where she belongs,,,,,
I wish you all the best in your search for your mom,,,,she is very lucky!
Candie

[Candiekisses]

[piggyncsu]

i was adopted when i just just a baby. I always dreamed of meeting my birth parents. i have thought about them everyday of my life for 21 years. at least 5x a day. I've been searching, and i'm getting closer to locating them, but i worry they dont want to meet me. They kept me a secret from their family, so i don't even know if anyone else knows i exist. I would love to have them search for me, to talk to me, to tell me about themselves, my siblings, my grandparents, everyone. I want them to share their lives with me, and me with them. In my heart, they are my parents, just as my adoptive parents are, even though my adoptive parents obviously have been with me for all my life so far. It's like when parents get divorced, you end up with more people to love I can't get over my fear of rejection, but i keep trecking on in search of my birth family. I haven't found any information to support the idea that my bfamily is searching for me.......and it saddens me, i just want to tell them that i always think about them, that there is a spot in my heart and in my life for them if they want. I just hope that i don't ruin their lives by approaching them, but i have to and want to talk to them.

*sniffs*

[snuffie]

Dear Candie,

I am an adoptee. I was adopted at 5 weeks of age.
I had wonderful adoptive parents whom I loved very much. But I always felt an almost spiritual bond with my bmom and for all of my life wanted to find her or have her find me.
After reading many many posts here it is evident to me that just as everyone is unique so are their feelings. I never had any anger toward my birth mom but some do either because of their life after adoption or because of what has been said about their bmom. I felt my bmom had not been given a choice in surrendering me because of the era I was born in.
I have been reunited with my birth siblings (sadly my birth mom passed away before I could reunite with her.) It is one of the most wonderful experiences of my life to finally KNOW>
I look very, very much like my birth mom and have all of her mannerisms. I love all of my birth siblings. But again each one has his or her own unique feelings about having another sister.
Also, if your daughter is only 21 she may or may not be ready for a relationship. She may be overjoyed or overwhelmed. Feelings change and mature as one grows older.
I wish you much joy in your search and reunion. I am a firm believer that all things happen for a reason and all things happen in their own time. When the time is right you will find your daughter. It may be now or in the future.
Hugs
Snuffie

[Cheryl62]

(((((Candie)))))

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, and I'm sure worrying that your daughter won't want to be found, or will feel nothing, must be an incredibly awful feeling.

I'm an adoptee, but about twice your daughter's age (YIKES! ). My feelings have evolved a lot over the years. I have always known I was adopted, had a great family life, and never felt any resentment towards my birthmother at all.

When I was a young teen, I would have liked to know my birthmom, though this was in part probably because I was suffering from normal teen stuff with my parents, and wishing I had another adult who was less strict in my life! When I was in college, and shortly afterwards, I really didn't think about it, in all honesty. I was busy finding out who I was, enjoying my independence from my parents, trying to decide what I wanted to be "when I grew up", dating, etc. It wasn't until around the time I had my first daughter that I started having more thoughts and questions about my birthmother.

I was 25 then, but I didn't search -- partially because my life was just complicated. Bad marriage, little money, two small children, serious illness, then divorce. Just emotional overload, and lots of remaining insecurities that had to be dealt with. I have a feeling that a reunion at that point in my life may not have been something I dealt with properly or maturely. I was just too needy, too sad, too confused, and, too emotionally needing my a-parents' approval, and they would NOT have been happy, and would have put considerable pressure on me at that point in my life.

Fast forward 10 years - I was happy, secure, re-married, with two more children. Life was good, I liked myself, I felt secure, and I was finally ready. But I still did nothing except request non-ID information and confirm that as far as I could tell, my birthmother wasn't looking for me. That kept me from looking and made me afraid again - of rejection, of it getting very emotional and complicated, of finding out things I didn't want to know, etc. I would have felt MUCH better if she had been registered and looking for me. (Though I do understand in "my" generation how that is often not the case for a variety of reasons.)

In all honesty, I'm not sure I would have wanted to be "found" before I was in my mid to late 20s, and ideally, in my case, with all my issues then, probably not until my early 30s. That is only me though - my experiences and life path. I always thought the ideal is to be able to find your birthmom the instant the adoptee is ready - because she's registered everywhere, left letters with your agency, etc. That would make it easy to make contact so the adoptee doesn't give up, and give reassurance that their birthmom has always been thinking of her, and want to know him or her. I know that fear of rejection slowed me down for many years.

I hope your daughter finds you Candie... I know how hard you're looking. Every time I see your posts I send up a little prayer that your daughter will come across one of them. It would have meant the world to me to know my birthmom cares the way you do.

Cheryl

[Candiekisses]

My spirits are soooooooooooo lifted...Thank you,Thank you.Thank you.You sure can pick a gal up! Thank You Lord and Bless this forum....and all of our searches!
Candie

[nugget]

Ok Candie,can I unload? ( You changed your cartoon,cute!)
I can not understand an adoptee who feels nothing towards the birth family. My ENTIRE life was spent thinking and dreaming of my bmom. Every Birthday I had a new dream of how she would show up at my door.
As I got older,in my 20's, I changed my "dream". She went from the perfect woman who surley gave me up because she was too young to a toothless heroin addict! Please know that this was how I was able to deal with the fact that she never looked for me or came to me. It was so much easier for me to consider her a looser. That way when I found her,if she rejected me, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
Then this July I found her. She passed away a year after giving birth and placing me (I have posted the story.....)
So I went 3 weeks ago to visit my "new" half sister. I don't really know how to explain the feelings because really they don't make sense at all. We are so alike and still very different and tell eachother we love eachother. One day she said to me " How can I love you like this when we just met and I never even knew about you?" My response was " I have no idea, we'll just deal with it".
What a horriable thing that we have to deal with the fact that we love eachother as sisters should!!! (Sarcasim!!)
I sooooo wish I could have met my mom. And FYI, she had all her teeth!! Actually she was beautiful! I will meet her when god wants me to. For now, she has 2 daughters who adore eachother and she can watch us catch up with the 32 years we missed out on.
My point? Not sure except if you were my bmom, I'd open the door and invite you in. There is a bond, I am unsure why some don't have it but my gut tells me, after reading many of your posts along the way, that you will find her and you will be just fine!

[Candiekisses]

First about my cartoon,,,(I love themes that go w/ the Holidays..) So today I am a Turkey,Next month a snowman or something) LOL HEEE HEEE Thanks for noticeing me!
Thank you for your sweet post,How kind,,,It gives me hope to keep going,,,,Sometimes I feel like I am obsessed with this whole thing....But Im NOT,,I am a mother searching,,,,,,,
desperately for a missing piece of my heart,,,,I understand about the love of
you and your sister ,,,,I have it now for my daughter (Brandi this is the b-name I gave her) So from now on I will call her by her name Brandi..............The Love is meant to be......It just is. I told everyone earlier Brandi has an older sister,Her name is Mandy,& I am Candie,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Candie,Mandy & Brandi( Did I have that planned or What)?????? LOL
Candie

[CarrieKG]

I think it amazing and a great relief to see what you write. I am a female adoptee, 1982. I always wonder if my b-mother would want to talk to me or thought about me, as well. I would be devastated if she didn't think of me or want to talk to me. Your message meant a lot to me. Good luck, ma'am.

[jude4691]

I'm an adoptee and was reunited with my bmum. I searched for her when I was 24, after haing my second child.I didn't think about her much at all until my 20s and having my children and wondering how she had felt made me want to find her to tell her I was OK and that I didn't hold anything against her. It was wonderful to be reunited, but I felt so sad to see the daily pain she had been through over losing me.
If she had searched for me I would have been delighted.To know that I had remained that special to her would have been wonderful.
Jude