[Ellie-michelle]

I am reunion for the past 4 montyhs nearly...i thought everything would be fine... but its not.

i have learnt the hard way that i should not have had any expectations of my new realtionship as i would not feel so hurt as i do now.

dont expect anything in a reunion relationship and what you do get is a bonus!!!

[Sharon]

Ellie-Michelle, I am so sorry that your reunion is not working out the way you'd hoped. No expectations is probably good advice... but so hard to follow. We all have expectations, hopes, dreams. Otherwise, why bother searching? Maybe when a little more time has passed, your relationship will improve? I hope so. Again, I'm very sorry that your expectations have not so far been fulfilled. I hope things will get better as time goes on. Best wishes... Sharon

[Decision]

I agree with Sharon when she said that everyone has expectations, but what I really got out of your post Ellie-michelle is realising its hard to have expectations, I lost my son to adoption through the years I have built such a large fantasy of my son, that I am terrified that my perseption of him may superseed what he really is. One very real thing is the fantasy, which can intermingle with your expectations. Since I found my son I have tried to base my fantasy on something more real, but it is difficult especially when you do not know the person. So when we fantasize we are subconciously filling in the blanks thus making our expectations of the other person. Every reunion is filled with confusing thoughts, were does the adoptee fit in, were does the birthmother fit in, I think if you go with the flow with trust at the forefront then you are setting yourself up for less hurt and anguish.
Expectations are always going to be there, telliing the other person what you expect is always best, even when your expectations may seem out of this world. at least you are not building resentment.
Hugs
Melissa

[tlee70]

Hi ellie

I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you and I'm sure that your dad will be able to show and tell you his true feelings eventually. I know its just hard to wait it out, but I know you will keep hold to your faith.

I am sure he will love your father's day gift, and will make him want to reach out to you.

T

[hornplayR4God]

MY BIRTH FAMILY AND I JSUT GOT IN TOUCH THROUGH E-MAIL AND THROUGH THE ADOPTION AGENCY. WE STILL HAVE NOT MET AND THAT IS BECAUSE I AM NOT 18 YET. I WILL BE 18 IN JUST A FEW MONTHS THOUGH AND HAVE BEEN VERY EAGER FOR SO MANY YEARS. NOW I AM NOT SURE. I HAVE FOUND OUT A LOT ABOUT MY BIRTH FAMILY THAT I DID NOT KNOW BEFORE. MY BIRTH MOTHER USED TO WRITE TO ME, BTU THAT STOPPED IN 1993, THEN ON VALENTINES DAY WE RECIEVED A CALL FROM THE AGENCY TELLING US THAT SHE HAD CONTACED THEM AND WOULD BE SENDING SOME STUFF SOON. SHE DID. NO EZPLANATION THOUGH AS TO WHY SHE HAD STOPPED WRITING. I ALMOST FELT ABANDONED IN A WAY, BUT MY ADOPTIVE MOTHER KEPT ON TELLING ME THAT SOMETHIGN WAS PROBABLY WRONG AND THAT SHE WAS PROLLY GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME. I FOUND OUT FROM MY OLDER BIRTH SISTER THAT MY BIRTH MOTHER HAD BECOME A HEROINE ADDICT AROUND THE TIME THAT SHE STOPPED WRITING TO ME AND THAT IS WHEN SHE LOST CONTACT WITH EVERYONE. I GUESS THAT IS HOW MY GRANDMA GOT CUSTODY OF MY LITTLE SISTER.
I HAVE NEVER REALLY MET ANY OF MY BIRTH FAMILY, BUT I DREAM ABOUT IT. LITERALLY. I HAVE HAD DREAMS AT NIGHT THAT I WENT TO MEET THEM. SOME OF THEM I HAD RUN AWAY FROM HOME TO GO MEET THEM. NOT REALLY RUN WAY, JUST KEPT IT A SECRET FROM MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND THOSE DREAMS KINDA FREAKED ME OUT A LITTLE. SOME OF THE OTHER ONES WERE ABOUT ME GOING TO SEE MY GRANDMA, AND I WAS WITH MY ADOPTIVE FATHER BOTH TIMES. THAT ONE TELLS HOW AFRAID I AM TO GO SEE HER ALONE WITH ALL THAT I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT HER.
I ALSO USED TO THINK SO MANY OTHER THINGS ABOUT MY BIRTH FAMILY. I THOUGHT THAT THINGS WOULD BE BETTER. HALF OF THEM ARE IN DEBT, AND ARE NOT IN THE BEST STATE OF MIND. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT I WAS ONE OF THOSE ADOPTEE WHO HAD "FANTACIES" ABOUT THEIR BIRTH FAMILIES. I STILL HOPE TO MEET THEM ALL SOMEDAY. HALF OF THEM ARE GOING TO TRY AND COME AND SEE ME FOR MY GRADUATION FROM HIGH SCHOOL THIS YEAR. I HOPE THAT WORKS OUT AND THAT I DON'T GET MY HEART BROKEN.
ANGEL

[MADjj]

i totally agree.. see i have been reading info on my bmom that i was given. i know that she was mentally ill, that my father claimed i wasn't his and that they were split up (later divorced) when i was born , and that she was also around 20yrs old. i was taken from my bmom for continued gross neglect, but i don't blame her. i too suffer from mentall illness, and many days i struggle just to get out of Bed!
The one thing that made me decide to look for her though, is that before i was given up for adoption, she tried to get me back - the judge was going to do it, since she had gotten help and changed quite a bit, but she never showed up to court.. i kinda want to know why? If my mom went thru so much to try to get me back why didn't she come to court.
I also have pictures of my bmom and my bdad, and i really think I look like him, no matter what he thinks.... same blue eyes blond hair and personallity- HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE!!! Unfortunately i seem to have inherited more of my bmom's bad characteristics - weight... mentall ilness.. etc i also believe i got my bad vision from my bdad... he's legally blind now. i dont expect anything from a reunion, i just wish for some answers, and some closure.. I don't blame anyone for anything, i just want an end to my search!.

[MoiraEyre]

I totally agree with no expectations. The first thing to remember is that they are, whether birthmother or adoptee, from two different worlds at this point. So, yes, there will be things you do not like. Second is to remember not to judge on what others tell you.

A good example of that is something my baby sister asked me at my father's funeral. She wanted to know why I relinquished my daughter. When I asked her what she had heard, I was amazed to hear that my father had told everyone that I just decided I did not want to bother - after a three year custody battle - and that my mother still believed that I just abandoned her at an orphanage. Over the years I have heard many stories from different family members regarding why I relinquished - none of them true or even realistic. Sadly, if my daughter contacts my family, those are the stories she will hear.

I recommend that you not listen to the stories from people that really don't know - no matter what they pretend to know. Ask the person that really knows - your child or birthparent.

I do have a question for adoptees on something that was said. Is the fact that a birthparent is broke or in debt really an issue? I am curious to know how many think that it is something that first they should even consider their business and second that is important to whether a personal relationship is formed?

Bright Blessings

Moira

[Decision]

Expectations...
I have never really thought about expectations, now they are all I can think about. Mostly from reading about what adoptee's think after reunion.
I am absolutely terrified that I will not live up to my sons expectations. Since finding him I know that my sons family is well off, while I am not in poverty I certainly do not drive a BMW. What happens when an adoptee comes from a very materialistic background and meets his other family who are well not materialistic? Does that matter? What if I am so different that he doesnt want to have a relationship with me? Are these normal fears to have?

[njadoptee]

Hi,
I am very interested in exactly what expectations each side has in reunion. I am an adult adoptee, and have been reunited with my birthmother.

I am also the chairwoman of an adoption reform organization who will be doing a workshop on this topic next April. I would really enjoy hearing from all of you regarding this topic.

Please feel free to write to me off forum at nccar@mindspring.com

Thank you in advance for any of your assistance with this topic.

Roberta

Moira,

Finances should not come into the reunion picture.....whether one or the other is broke or not....they should be no expectations on either side regarding money. If one wants to give the other money it should be given lovingly without any reservation or guilt ...the other should't even dream of asking. Our finicial situations our ours and ours only. Nobody is "owed" anything.

Whether its the adoptee playing on birthparents guilt or vice versa..it needs to stop and boundrys applied. What a way to sabotage a relationship is to insist, imply or think the on or the other is owed money.

JMO
Donna

[snuffie]

Ahh what a difficult question.

I guess that I had a fantasy (as many adoptees do) about what my bmom looked like, what she was like and when things seemed really awful when I was a teenager, that she was a princess who would find me and take me away.

The reality is that she was a human being with all of the assets and "faults" we all have. But part of my fantasy was true. I "knew" what she looked like even though I was adopted as a tiny infant and I "knew" what her personality was like. All I had to do was look in the mirror.

My "expectations" of meeting her were that I would find the pieces to my personal puzzle and that she would be a soul mate.
She went to Heaven before I met her. But the relationship I have with my bisiblings meets and much exceeds my expectations.

[DEvans]

Im sorry also that things did not work out..and I not sure by what you meant not work out. I think when searching you must be open to what you find. It is hard to accept that someone dosen't want you. I think this is less the case most birthparents want to know their children. PLEASE REMEMBER that the majority of us do care and have had just as much pain in the choices that were made. PLEASE keep in mind also the generation. I am scared in my search not that by birthdaughter dosen't want anything to do with me. I'm scared to find out she is not even alive, or had a really horrible time of it. But if she did have a bad time in childhood she will overcome.

[ksmom]

Originally posted by MADjj
i totally agree.. see i have been reading info on my bmom that i was given. i know that she was mentally ill, that my father claimed i wasn't his and that they were split up (later divorced) when i was born , and that she was also around 20yrs old. i was taken from my bmom for continued gross neglect, but i don't blame her. i too suffer from mentall illness, and many days i struggle just to get out of Bed!
The one thing that made me decide to look for her though, is that before i was given up for adoption, she tried to get me back - the judge was going to do it, since she had gotten help and changed quite a bit, but she never showed up to court.. i kinda want to know why? If my mom went thru so much to try to get me back why didn't she come to court.
I also have pictures of my bmom and my bdad, and i really think I look like him, no matter what he thinks.... same blue eyes blond hair and personallity- HUGE GRIN ON HIS FACE!!! Unfortunately i seem to have inherited more of my bmom's bad characteristics - weight... mentall ilness.. etc i also believe i got my bad vision from my bdad... he's legally blind now. i dont expect anything from a reunion, i just wish for some answers, and some closure.. I don't blame anyone for anything, i just want an end to my search!.

Just a thought, 'cuz I have no way of knowing what your bmom was really thinking or going through at the time K?
I came (come) from a very unsupportive (mildly put) family where I was told from a very young age that I was no good. It may be the situation with your bmom that she did indeed want to get you back, but in the long run had to give up on the belief that she could be of any good to you. I wonder how many people told her you would be better off with a loving stable family, and that she had nothing to offer you? Again dear it's just a guess, but I hope that someday soon you will find out the answers. She may very well have gone on to get good psychological help (much more available now), and is living a healthy productive life. I'm sorry to hear that you are having difficulties as well, may there be bright days ahead for you.

Be well...

[ksmom]

As far as expectations go I suppose I'm in this two fold. I am a birth mother as well my eldest brother was adopted 2 years before I was born. As I mentioned above I come from a very dysfunctional 'family', but my mother had always told us about Jack from the time we were old enough to listen. During some very trying times when I was younger (around 13/14), I used to dream about my older brother coming to 'save' me. I did find him quite by chance in December of 1999, he is an amazing guy. I don't know what my 'expectations' really were, but he is a big huggable, lovable guy that's for sure.
As a bmom I don't know what I imagine, although I don't 'fear' anything. I have my information out there and I know that she's alive (contact with CAS due to medical issues) and I am here. I will be here when/if she ever wants contact, the ultimate choice will be up to her.

[DEvans]

expectations......
I am so happy to say after 30 years of searching I know who my birthdauthers parents are. I have talked to them once initially for over an hour. They emailed me and told me they told her. They seem so nice. They were told by Catholic charities that I did not want my baby because I wanted to join the service. THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. I had checked on joining the service while pregnate as a possible means of support and keeping Michelle.
It has been THREE WEEKS also most now...no phone call ....no email (except from her parents said be paitient remember she is the innnocent one)
I had created a website
mysearchforyou a dotcom website it has changed from ISO Michelle Lee born May 13 1973 to FOUND!!!
IT HAS BEEN THREE WEEKS NOW...she has known she was adopted.
EXPECTATIONS....???I certainly expected to hear from her. Maybe I messed up by providing my picture and basic info on my site...is that all she needs?...I hope not...I know it is a shock I guess if she got use to thinking I did not want to care about her. I have searched to 30 years and for 15 years especially since the internet.
EXPECTATIONS...???I have had on file since mid 80's reg. with vital sats in ILL. Since she was 18 I was told she could request her orig. BC then she could find me. I guess she was not aware of this or maybe she was but was still afraid of what she would find.
EXPECTATIONS