[shirleyville]

DEvans,
It's wonderful to hear that you found your daughter alive, well, and receptive to contact! (((warm hugs)))
I am just curious, tho....you said

I think each side should agree to one F2F if they want nothing else...... I am sorry but I had determined in my heart to have at least one F2F if I had encounterd such resistance

.
How were you planning to manage that one "face to face" if your daughter wasn't receptive to your request?
My birthmom didn't even want to know my name , let alone have any sort of "meeting".
I know where she lives.....she's only a few miles from me, and I could very easily have gone to her door to force some kind of "face to face" meeting -- believe me....I thought about it a lot! Especially on the Fourth of July last year, when I went past her house and saw her, along with my siblings and their children all out in the yard, having a cook out and pool party. I could have pulled up, gotten out of the car, and walked up to the whole lot of them....announced myself and opened the whole Pandora's Box right then and there.....but I didn't. And I won't.
I, too, think that it would have been nice if my birthmom would have agreed to at least one "face to face"....or at least asked about me.....or agreed to accept a letter.....or provided me with some medical information.....or shown any interest at all in knowing something about me. But she didn't. She made it quite clear that sharing any information, or having contact of any kind was out of the question -- she made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with any of it. While I could be "determined" to make a "face to face" happen.....and could get the job done.....what kind of person would I be perceived to be if I forced it? I surely don't want the woman who gave me life to think that she produced a selfish, uncaring, disrespectful person.
The bottom line is that she said "no". It's not my place to force anything. I need to respect her and respect her wishes. The only way to do that is to listen to her request, and abide by it.
It's not my place to make anyone do something they aren't comfortable with.
I could go to my siblings and "out" myself and our mother's 40-year secret.....but I won't do that, either. Sure, it would be nice to see my siblings -- to know about them and to have a relationship....but I don't want the beginnings of that relationship to be built on pain and disrespect, which is exactly what would happen. Our mother has expressed a very deep-seated desire to never have them know about me....and if I were to go against that, they would know me as a person who had no respect for their mother. Sure, they might be angry with her for keeping them in the dark for their entire lives, but eventually, that would wear off, and they would see me only as the woman who caused incredible turmoil in their family and someone who directly disrespected their mother. That's not who I am or what I am about.
There are a lot of "deabtes" on these boards about who has "rights" in this situation.......but my response isn't about "rights", but more about what IS "right". I may have a "right" to know my siblings...to know my heritage.......but at what cost? I, personally feel that the only RIGHT thing to do is to be respectful of my mother's wishes.
Hugs,
Sally

[DEvans]

Well each situation is different...I am very sorry that your birthprovider has reacted this way...you should atleast be given your heritage and medical info of family...also too what about your birthfather? I am normally the nicest considerate person...However in my case it is not so much as not respecting wishes but knowing for sure it was them. I am not sure but I have been lied to many times bold face look me inthe eye and am gullable at times. I guess in my heart I want to believe that if my birthdaughter knew the whole story that she would understand, and hopefully any ill thoughts she had during growing up will be wiped out or atleasted not in forthought and know she knows she was wanted. I am sorry truly sorry she needs a change of HEART....anyone that reads this pray for closure.
My idea...I guess if I was confident that the correspondence and voice were hers...I could respect that...but right or wrong...it is different our situation. I was young, it was the hush hush generation and what will the neighbors say...lots of combanations. For me I was too young nieve and allowed eveyone to control me and tell me what I had to do...etc. It was not 6-8 months after that I was mature enough and alble to see that some of these people were full of it...THEY tell you things like you must not love yourbaby if you are so shelfish to not want it to be raised by a loving couple...etc.
But back to my way of thinking was
1. I tried to adopt her back in 1974 or find out if she was adopted and not still in an orphange..I got very nasty letter never to inquire again.
2. In 80's when laws changed with state I put a letter to her orig bc and updated it 3-4 times.
3. In 90's all the inet and reg. stuff
I never saw a post for her searching nor did I get contact from third party for med or any info. She was born in 1973. Any time after 1991 she could have got her info....but what if she wasn't told she was adopted?

I forgot how old you are? Age and fear
play a big part ....I guess she prob never told her family...the fears rejection and why did you lie...prob play somepart from her established family.

Closure...I know we can have the same feelings for closure. Many Aparents reject us when we come searching there are lies and sometimes our children grew up hearing these lies.....HOW CAN I KNOW i HAVE REACHED HER HOW COULD i KNOW i CAME TO THE END OF MY QUEST.....So that is why I said if I was met with rejection and there was 1 thousantht of a percent of a chance that maybe it is not even her speaking but all a big plot....I know I am getting a little wierd...But Hey after searching for 30 years, I guess you can't say what you will do for sure...becuase I am not faced with that initial rejection that I feared....Praise GOD. I feel so bad when I am so happy and others are so sad.

My Michelle has been very acceptive...I am sure aprehensive But she is me. She fortunatly had wonderful parents I had feared all this time
1. Was she alive
2 Was she abused
3. Did she know she was adopted.
4. Did she have loving and supportive parents?

Her parents were wonderful and we talked for about an hour and they passed the info....It was 3 AGONIZING WEEKS

[DEvans]

....BEFORE I rcvd pics and letter.
So far she wants to see me...I thinks she wants to wait a little longer than I do..I think because her life is a little messed up at the moment trying to find herself...but I wrote her and said we do not know what tomorrow will bring...I surly must set my eyes on your face at least once on this earth. Please.......I am hoping to have a very good honest relationship with my birthdaughter. It is my desire to see her know and she know nows my search and my story and if she changes her mind...I can do nothing but she will know that I will always be here now.

I hope your story works out....I am not sure what I would do I would need more facts before I could put myself in either shoe. I am praying for your situation.

Closure...OH my GOD for me my Soul was so at peace the moment I knew she was alive and had lived no matter what BS she had to go thru.

More later....Sincerely Denise

[Crystall]

Originally posted by Dawn74
...They have known about us, but really can't understand why we gave them up....

Yes some of us (I am an adoptee) can understand why their bparents gave them up, in my case my bmom was young and my bdad had left her, but when he came back to her they tried to get me back but it was too late I was already adopted. I have never been mad at her, I always understood she couldnt keep me.

Originally posted by Dawn74
......And to all Adoptees, speaking for myself, as a bmom, we don't expect to come into your lives as another mother and not even as a best friend, how about looking on us as say... another Aunt who loves you and cares for you. .

On the opposite, I expected my bmom to be a mom and best friend, she's certainly not just an aunt for me, she's the one who gave me life and I love her with all my heart.

Eventhough my aparents died few years ago, I still had to deal with guilt feelings when I decided to find my bparents, it was like I was betraying them or something ... but I realized my heart is big enough to love them all and that loving my bmom (my bdad died years ago) didnt mean I loved my aparents less. This is true for any and every person you love, the love you give to one doesnt take away the love you have for others.

I already said that in another post but will probably repeat it again.

[Dawn74]

How wonderful for your bmom that you want her to be a mom and best friend to you! I know she realizes how lucky she is. How I wish my daughter was willing to let me be even a friend to her.
You are very insightful and how right you are that you can love many people without loving someone else less. Not everyone understands that.
I joined this site to try and help me understand what my daughter may be feeling. But I have to admit, I rarely log on anymore. I can't tell you how much I hurt when I sign off after reading how lucky so many bmoms are.
I will keep praying that my daughter will one day want some contact with me. I do send her a card from time to time to let her know I am thinking of her. But I have stopped calling. When and if she is every ready to contact me, I will be there.
Until then, my heart will remain fractured forever.
Sorry I am such a downer tonight, but I feel this is the only place where I can totally be myself.
God Bless both you and your mom.
Dawn

[Crystall]

Dawn,

Thank you for your kind words. I am very sorry about your daughter, I hope she will come around and realize how much you love her. And I hope she will feel about you the same way I feel about my bmom. She might just need time.

I am not sure if my mom knows how much I love her yet, but I did tell her many times and also told her I have never been mad at her. It is all very recent and we sent few letters, but talked on the phone only 2 times so far (about a week ago), the first time she was making dinner and didnt have much time but she called me back the next day and we talked for about 2 hours. It was so nice to hear her voice. Briefly, she told me things about the past, and that she loves me and never forgot me and wants to meet me.

After my mom and dad got back together they had 2 more children (I learned that about a year ago), so I have a sister and a brother (they are both married and both have a daughter and a son, I am also married and have a stepson), and I am very happy about that too, I love them very much and I wish to get closer to them. This is my mistake I think, I am a dreamer and was hoping everything would be *perfect* with them, especially since both sent me awsome messages telling me they were happy.

But it is not so *peachy* right now, after sending me many emails, telling me how much he loved me and wanted me in his life, my brother's tone changed (this happened about a month ago, and I dont think I said anything wrong) and he stopped writing eventho he still told me he would always love me and wanted to meet me. It made me very sad to say the least because I thought I had found not only a brother but also a great friend, we are so alike personality wise and have a lot in common, and we were both excited about getting to know each other. My mother told me on the phone that he told her he was in a mood where he didnt feel like talking to anybody right now, and that it wasnt my fault, I think she is pretty sad about that, she was happy we were getting close to each other. I have no idea what happened, he was so excited and so happy. And my sister told me about a week ago that she doesnt like reading and writing much, eventho we'd been chatting and sending emails pretty often, we slowed down a lot. I did notice she didnt talk much tho and that her answers were very short. She seemed happy to have a sister but I think she doesnt feel the need to get closer to each other as much as I do. If it was up to me we'd be chatting on the Messenger every day, even when were busy and dont talk much, just to be with her in a way...

So as you see things are not so great for me either, I cry very very often, and I keep hoping I will receive a message from my brother or sister (me who is so independant generally). I feel so pathetic lol. I had no idea things would be so hard emotionally. And I was so careful to start with (it took me a year to send an email back), I didnt want to get hurt ... so much for that. And sorry to be such a downer myself.

God bless you and your daugther Dawn

p.s. I am 44 years old, my sister is 42 and my brother 38.