[DEvans]

EXPECTATIONS......??
I guess depending on the adoptees age can somewhat dictate some thoughts they might have. WOW for me right now I have way too much time on my hand and the past three weeks have let me envisions all types of crazy scinerios.
EXPECTATIONS....??? I can understand she would need time as to what type of relations we would have....the dedication to her mom and her feelings.
EXPECTATIONS....???? She is 30 years old and an Adult.....I certainly expected an initial contact at least to say or ack my contact and then if she needed more time because her life already is confused...I know her grandma is on shaky ground with a recent heart transpalant. Every once has sistuations I just feel that even if it was brief I should have got a phone call or email saying Please wait.
EXPECTATIONS...? I am totaly freaking out and very skeptical thinking maybe now she really dosent know???
How long should I wait before I hire a investigatior to find her address....I have theirs but can not find hers I think she is living with a friend whos name is unknow so I dont know where to call other than her parents house?
ADOPTEES PLEASE RESPOND...A desperate BIRTHMOM.
THKS Dee

[Dawn74]

Dee, it has been 1 year and 3 months since I found and reunited with my daughter. I haven't seen her since that initial reunion and only talked with her 3 times since then, the last time was on her birthday in February of last year. I can't tell you what I have put myself thru since the meeting. I have myself convinced that she was so totally disappointed with me that she will never want to see me again!
I do remember though that she was told by a co-worker (who was a reunited adoptee) that when she finds her mother she will be full of all kinds of emotions and they will be hard to handle and sort through. This co-worker told by daughter to contact her anytime to talk with her. Anyway, I guess my point is that I am sure that the aparents told her that they have your number but she is working through emotions that we as bmoms can't understand. We had nine months to bond with them plus 30 years to love them. They have known about us, but really can't understand why we gave them up.
Now all I have to hold onto is that beautiful day I was able to hold her in my arms again and tell her that I have always loved her and always will. And if I never get to see her again, I am blessed knowing that she is alive, healthy and as happy as she can be. If I don't fit into her life, then it is my tough luck, I am the one who relinquished her, even if I felt it was for all the right reasons, she must still feel abandoned and that has to be hard to deal with!
Give her time, unfortunately we can push them farther away if we push at all.
I will keep you in my prayers! Good luck!!

And to all Adoptees, speaking for myself, as a bmom, we don't expect to come into your lives as another mother and not even as a best friend, how about looking on us as say... another Aunt who loves you and cares for you. I would think that most people could benefit from someone who loves them.

Blessings to all,
Dawn

[tlee70]

If I don't fit into her life, then it is my tough luck, I am the one who relinquished her, even if I felt it was for all the right reasons, she must still feel abandoned and that has to be hard to deal with!

It's strange, but how do we FIT into each other's lives??? that's my question? I certainly don't feel like I fit and I'm a bdaughter. I always get the feeling that my presense in my birthfamilies lives is accepted b/c they don't feel they have any other choice. Sortof like a silent, begrudging acceptance. I feel like there is a big elephant in the room that everyone avoids when I am in their presense. I certainly feel like the outsider looking in, and it's becoming a more uncomfortable feeling all the time. So, what should our expectations be?? Should we sit. side by side our siblings and bparents like one big happy family ??? I somehow think that our expectations are very close to that somedays...(referring to my situation) but somehow it just doesn't seem to FEEL that way.

Almost like a charade. Everyone says, give it time, but I just get this feeling that time will not change the feeling on not really belonging to any family. I get the feeling that no one in my bfamily would truly take an interest in MY life if I did not pursue them. Very few questions are ever asked to me, just acceptance. With the lack of questions, comes the question of genuine caring and with the question of genuine caring, can we ever really "fit in"?

Maybe I should take a step back and take some time away, then maybe I could find out what thier expectations are.

tlee

[DEvans]

I really am trying to be paitient. I guess if I could know IF I waited and waited that she would want to know me. I am not sure how long I should wait before I take my own action. I am so happy to know she lives, and has been this 30 years with same seemingly loving family. I think I would be able to cope and wait a little longer if sometime that first two weeks I got some kind of acknowledgment from her. I guess I will always be skeptical to if she truly knows untill she conctacts me.
Like you said at least you did get to see her. I need something a pic, ack that she knows I have been searching and to give her time to adjust. Her parents asking me to give her time, just isnt the same. I hope she contacts me soon because I will probably totaly screw everything up with my impaitients. I hope not. Thanks for the input. Ill keep ya posted.

[DEvans]

from tlee70
You can never really understand where you're going unless you know where you came from.
....
Im sorry you get that feeling with your situation. Each one is different.
I think that no matter what the adoptee believes to be true they should give us a chance to explain. I can understand they can prob never forget but hopfully realize that most of us did what we felt had to be done for the childs best interest.
Im hoping things change and you feel you are welcome.
I hope my Michelle realizes your Quote by knowing me she will understand those things about her she dosent know understand.
Ill keep in touch.
Sincerly Dee

[Dawn74]

Dee,
Do you still have contact with her parents? I found while I was waiting for my daughter to decide if she wanted to meet me that I had a true friend in her amom. I asked her amom to send me pictures so I could see what she looked like. I received them right away from her. My problem is neither amom or my daughter have a computer. (Go figure in this day and age) I think it would have been easier to comunicate by e-mailing untile we felt more comfortable talking one on one.
Maybe you could email the parents and ask them to send pictures right away.
I know exactly how you feel, I used to think I've waited almost 29 years to see her I can wait a little longer... but that was unrealistic. I wanted to see her right away to hear her voice. They won't even give you an address where you can send her a note? I am pulling for you.
Dawn

[njadoptee]

I have been watching some of the replies put out here to this question. The one thing I have noticed is, I don't hear anyone talking about ever reading anything about reunion, how it does it really play a part in everyone's life? Has anyone out here who has been reunited and find's after a time it isn't workine (such as TLee) read any books on reunion? Have any of you learned about the different stages of reunion?

The Search
Emotional Conflict
Identities Revealed
Initial Contact
Acceptance or Rejection
The First Meeting
The Honeymoon Phase
Post-Honeymoon
Resolution
Post-Reunion

I have found that it is very important to know what happens to both sided in each stage of reunion.

If you folks have not read anything, then might I suggest a great book? "The Adoption Reuinon Survival Guide" by Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens. This book just may help some of you through the feelings and emotions you have now.

Thanks for listening.

Roberta

[Ellie-michelle]

Roberta,
Hi, yes i have read many an article and books about adoption and reunion.
They DO seem to help a little in knowing possible reactions that birthparents and adoptee as adult will be, having said that, every reunion is diffrerent and all people are different too, but i agree, it is worth doing some research on thew subject.

I supose for me, it made me realise that many adoptees feel similar things to what i was feeling and also felt very reasured that i identified with 'the stages' of reunion.

I may get hold of a copy of thre book you suggested - thanks for the tip.

Ellie x

[shirleyville]

There is an active thread on the forum that addresses some views on "expectations" as well.....it was started by FatBirdy and I believe it's called "Why is relationship with bmom so tough?"
I think expectations play a tremendous role in the search and reunion process, and I gave my thoughts and opinions on the subject on Birdy's thread, but I will give a brief overview here, as well.
I think when we begin our search process, often times, the only "expectation" that stays in the forefront is the expectation that our search will culminate in discovery....and generally, it does -- but many times we don't stop to examine, on a deeper level, what that "discovery" really means, and what we will do with it once we have crossed from the search phase into the reunion phase.
We think, initially, that the "discovery" that we are seeking so ferverently is the discovery of our origins...we want to know where we began...we want to know our birthmother's name....see her face....know our heritage, health and medical information. We want to know how we began and the circumstances surrounding our birth. Those are all very valid quests -- but because those issues are so pressing and so vitally important to us, they sometimes overshadow the deeper expectations that lie beneath the surface.
We plug along in our quest....we dig for information.....we meet roadblocks and we circumvent them....we work against a "system" that has denied us this information, and when we finally find what we are looking for -- when we meet the initial "expectation" that we will eventually be victorious in our quest -- there is momentary elation and excitement! WE DID IT!! We managed to attain the seemingly unattainable....and it's exhilarating!! We write our letters or make our phone calls or send our e-mails or in some cases we knock on our doors. When we are at that point, all of the emotions and the exhilaration and the nervousness doesn't often allow for the thought process that involves what expectations lie on the "other side". What are we expecting once that letter, call, knock is answered.
I think this is where the "expectation" part becomes "sticky". If you are an adoptee, and you can be totally honest, no matter how difficult it is to admit to, I would imagine you are expecting the person on the recieving end of this to be receptive to you in some way. No one sends a letter to their birthmother HOPING to never receive and answer....no one calls their birthmother on the phone HOPING to get hung up on....no one goes to their birthmother's door HOPING to have it slammed in their face, and no one makes contact in any way HOPING to hear "GO AWAY". But it happens -- it happened to me.
In my case, I was very secure in the knowledge that all I wanted were the answers to my questions. I was totally okay going into this venture with the knowledge that my mother might not want contact. I felt that if I could only know her name and some information about my background, I would be satisfied -- but looking back now, I realize I only ALLOWED that to be my cognizant "expectation". I didn't ever expect to find her -- there were to many obstacles....too many things to overcome to get to the end result. The QUEST was the focus -- not the end result.
When I met the end of my quest, I had the proverbial door slammed in my face.....and after a period of time, I realized that the pain in that came from my REAL "expectations" -- the expectations that were below the surface. I "expected" that because this woman was my mother, she would be receptive to me in some way......that she would put aside whatever fears or uncomfortable-ness that my contact brought about because she was my mother, and that's what mothers DO....they put their children first.
After months of looking at the "bigger picture", I realize now that my mother DID put her children first......because I am not her "child" -- not when you think about what it means to be someones "child". The children my mother has are the three children she raised from birth to present. They are the children she has well over 30 years worth of life experience with.....they are the children she rocked to sleep at 2:00 AM.....their knees are the ones she blew on when they had "ow-ies"......their first words, first days of school, first dates and the births of their children are the things that connect them as mother and child. There is no way that I could "expect" her to feel about me the way she feels about them, because I have never BEEN a CHILD WITH her. The bond of total innocense that comes from nurturing an infant, and the growing and maturing together as mother and child never existed for us. The shared life experience is absent.
In my mother's case, she is terrified of losing that bond with her children. They have never been told of my existance, and almost 40 years later, the thought of sharing this is too daunting for her. The risk is too high. I can't say that if she told them about me, they would resent it....that if they knew about me, the relationship between our mother and my siblings would be forever or irrepairably altered -- I can't say that because I don't KNOW my siblings......but our mother does. If anyone would be in tune with the dynamics that exist in that family, it would be my mother. She has the life experience with them....she's been thru everything with them, and she knows their "ways". She made the decision she did -- right or wrong -- based on her experience as their mother, and as the center of their family.
I can't make judgements about their family unit and how they react or don't react to things, because I have never BEEN a part of that. Our perceptions of "family" are based only on OUR experience of what a family IS. It's only what we know.
I can't "knock" on my mother's door and "expect" to find a mother and a family, because Mary Ellen has never been my mother (in the true sense of what makes a mother a mother) and their family isn't what my perception of "family" is. A family -- the feeling of family -- comes from spending life together as a unit...from working and living and growing together for extended periods of time.
Those of us who, either consciously or subconsciously, "expect" to find our mothers and our siblings (family) at the end of our quest may find people who genetically and literally ARE those things, but the emotions and the feelings and the things that, at the core, MEAN mother and family aren't going to be the same as what we know from our own life experience.
I think sometimes we forget that our birthmothers are people who have lived our entire lifetimes without us. They have experienced life in ways we can't know or understand because we haven't been there with them to live it. When we knock on that door and we find ourselves standing face to face with the woman on the other side, that is exactly who are are standing face to face with -- a woman. Yes, she gave birth to us a lifetime ago, but that is where there truest connection ends. We know absolutely nothing about one another.....there's no commonality -- no shared life experience.....no connection other than genetics. Even people who meet and develop mutual friendships and relationships from going to church together, or working together, or from some other "social" situation have more knowledge and commonality between them. They "connect" because they share the same faith, or the same interests, or the same daily environment. There are no "expectations" involved when those relationships develop -- they just happen from being involved in something TOGETHER.
Standing there in that "doorway", when we face our birthmothers for the first time, we can't help but have some preconceived expectations......and she can't help but look back at us with ones of her own. It's a dance of sorts -- one that comes without a manual or instructions. As we move together in this dance, in an attempt to move smoothly, we are bound to step on a lot of toes.
Our birthmothers feel that they SHOULD feel "motherly feelings" for us, because intellectually , they know they gave birth to us, and many times they struggle because they don't -- at least not in the same way they do about the children who have been a part of their world forever. I think it can and does cause some guilt feelings as they try to find the "place" where we fit.
We don't often realize that we are not unlike vehicles that bring to the forefront a lot of confusion and pain and guilt that was buried in the past -- things that perhaps have been a struggle to KEEP in the past.....things our mothers have worked hard to overcome and move thru. Our birthmothers are PEOPLE first and foremost, with lives and thoughts and feelings and foibles. They can't automatically put those things aside just to fulfill our "expectations".
In effect, we are two adults....standing face to face for the first time. We have to make a conscious effort to find where we fit in one another's lives. Not now, nor have I ever been my mother's "baby"....nor has she ever been my mother. We are "realtive strangers" in ever sense of the word, and until we release any "expectations" we can't move forward to build a new perception of who we are in one another's lives.
Just my opinion on expectations!
Hugs,
Sally

[MoiraEyre]

"I realize now that my mother DID put her children first......because I am not her "child" -- not when you think about what it means to be someones "child". The children my mother has are the three children she raised from birth to present. They are the children she has well over 30 years worth of life experience with.....they are the children she rocked to sleep at 2:00 AM.....their knees are the ones she blew on when they had "ow-ies"......their first words"

I have been following this thread carefully and was surprised at the variety of answers - very thoughtful and compassionate answers.

Sally, I have one question to your statement above - What about those of us that did parent and were separated from our children through a series of events that were not caused by us? I mean, heck, I planned my daughter, almost died giving her life, breast fed her, taught her to walk, talk, took her with me everywhere, kissed her owies .....then, because of a lot of different things she was gone. Now, she is the one saying "up yours lady, I owe you not even the courtesy of a picture".

It kind of makes me wonder if my expectations of at least being able to find out what kind of person she turned out to be, or what color her hair is, were far fetched.

I don't know, what do you all think? Are birthmothers allowed to have some expectation of this? Of course, I did send her every scrap of info I had - she sent it back without opening it.

This is very hurtful and for me - I think I will go back to the dark spot and not even consider it anymore. I was, in her eyes, never her mother.

[shirleyville]

Hey, Moira! (((warm hugs)))

I don't know, what do you all think? Are birthmothers allowed to have some expectation of this?

Of course birthmothers are allowed "expectations"....we are ALL allowed them -- they are a part of human nature. The trouble comes when we have expectations that others can't or won't fulfill. We have to "own" our expectations and realize that expectations involve action and committment on someone else's behalf before they are even aware that we expect something from them.
We sometimes build ourselves up to expect certain things based on what we know to be reality in OUR OWN LIVES. Our realities, however, are simply not the same as other people's. Your daughter has lived a very different life since she left you -- and in a way, I suppose you DID find out what kind of person she is. She is the kind of person who is not open to contact from you. She quite obviously has her own set of expectations, and they include being able to say "no" to something she isn't comfortable with. Her issues are not something she wishes to share at this point.
Hurtful? SURE it is!! Burns to the core! I wanted to know what kind of person my birthmom is, but she didn't want to share that with me. I wanted to know what she looked like....what color her hair was......she didn't want me to know. It was HER "expectation" that she would never have to be confronted with me.......that I would remain forever a part of her past.....just as it seems your daughter had similar expectations.
Because WE are the ones who have extended ourselves to the point of requesting contact, we, unfortunately, have to be the ones to respect the expectations of the other party. It's hard, and it's harsh....but it's a fact.
We can't MAKE someone meet our expectations...there's no way to do that. We can't make someone want to meet us, or to know us, or to even acknowledge us -- and why would we? If we have to MAKE someone want to know us, what kind of relationship would that be? Certainly not one of fulfillment and growth! It's certainly not MY idea of a positive experience.
Instead, I choose to make the entire journey positive by learning and growing thru the events as they play out.
Perhaps your daughter is a selfish person.....perhaps she is frightened...perhaps she has some misperceptions of you based on information she received after her removal from your life together? Maybe she just plain isn't "into" this whole "reunion" thing. Many people -- birthparents and adoptees alike -- aren't. Many people are totally satisfied with the way their lives are going and they have no desire to complicate things. Whatever the case -- your expectations and hers have met an impass. Maybe she is young and will grow thru her series of life events to the point where her expectations change......but in the same light, by the time that happens, perhaps yours will have changed as well. There may come a time when you decide that knowing your daughter isn't something that "fits" in your life anymore. You have the right to that -- you have a right to say "enough is enough" where the hurt is concerned. Your expectations will change when you feel that you have reaches a point that they are no longer healthy for you.
I wish you peace and an open heart as you work thru this!
Hugs,
Sally

[MoiraEyre]

Sally,

I will have to agree with most of what you said. I have reached the end of pain though - now I really can understand a lot of the birthmothers that refuse contact.

This has, since it was a mutual search, been very bad for me. It ripped my life apart in a lot of ways. First and foremost, I found her father was dead - murdered and left in a parking lot to die. That my father knew and did not tell me. That my family still thinks I just gave her away. That she grew up believing I was a whore and that I just threw her away.

Then I have to add that for me the pain of knowing and not being able to ever really "know" is very very bad. I feel as if my heart ruptured and I am slowly bleeding to death.

My husband is angry with her because of her behavior - has stated she is not welcome in his home. So this created even more stress.

And I get to spend the rest of my life counting birthdays for a little boy it is very likely I will never see a picture of or meet.

No, I think I will retreat. I have reached the point that not knowing was healthier for me - I could pretend then. I would never turn her away, but I will never be as vulnerable and open as I was in the beginning.

So, for all you adoptees out there - if you are searching or have been found, make sure you get some counseling from the ones that can help you - before you hurt yourself and you bparents. Cause what you do, and what they do, will flavor the rest of your life with either unconditional love, or fear and stress.

[tlee70]

Has anyone out here who has been reunited and find's after a time it isn't workine (such as TLee) read any books on reunion

Hi njadoptee, i just wanted to clarify that it I guess it's not really a matter of things not working out as it is more that I just really don't feel I fit in. It's not for lack of trying on my bfather's part. I think he has tried to make me feel welcome and part of the family, even though I really do feel a bit like an intruder. I guess it is a hard feeling to explain, but I know that there are other's that can relate.

tlee

[DEvans]

WOW so many different thoughts going on here...
I guess one feeling of not fitting in with found family still stems back to the beliefs instilled as you grew up.
Example I know my mother is happy I finally found my birthdaughter but she is still in the dark ages....I got involved in geneology before I found my Michelle (found her parents 28dec03) rcvd letter with photos 20JAN04...rcvd phone call 22Jan04....NEXT IS TO MEET SOON) bUT JUST prior to this I listed her in the roots web of ancestors and desendents of course I didnt know her adopted last name at the time.....but my mom saw it becuase we were working on finding ancestors...she said Denise some one is going to see that
HELLO that is the point...I had figured if I never found her some day someone in her family or her later in life would be searching. Praise God I have found her....Praise God she had good parents these 30 years and are still together and involved in her life....Praise God she understands and...Praise God.
I wish all reunions ...although I had hoped to find her much sooner...She is now found!!!!!!!!!!

[DEvans]

Hi Moria I am sorry when I read your info was returned un-opened and then further your husbands attitude. I think each side should agree to one F2F if they want nothing else...it is too bad your birthchild is so shallow as well as your husband.......I am sorry but I had determined in my heart to have at least one F2F if I had encounterd such resistance....Praise GOD I did not my story so far is falling into place and providing peace for me and I belive MY Michelle as well. But I had decided you don't know what they were told growing up..but depending on their now age if they are past 30 years in age they should at least have some maturity to understand or atleast listen.
Your husband just pisses me off with that remark. I guess that is why I have had three of them he would have no say what so ever where my birthchild is concerened. I will pray and hope your birthchild changes her mind. It is atleast GREAT to Know they are alive. The peace I found after searching for 30 years just to know she existed and was able to fight this world but I am determined to see her in the flesh ASAP and she seems agreeable to this. I am making plans now. Sincerely Dee