[lilyaya28]

I just wanted to share my reunion story with you all. I was adopted in 1974. I have an amazing adopted family and never had any urge to search for my biological family.
About 2 years ago though my birth-mom found me. I was anxious and more than a little apprehensive. I wanted to find out more about myself and where I came from, just like any other adoptee. We met for the first time in 2001 and it was awesome. We were friends, but then there was so much drama behind the reason why I was given up, it was hard for me to accept. Then my b-mom felt she was robbed of being my mother and wanted to become my "mom". I have a mom though my adopted mom is the best and I love her very much, she is wonderful.
As time went by my b-mom and I had our share of problems we argued a lot and she could never understand what it was like for me, and I guess I never understood what it was like for her. We had only spent a few days together during our whole reunion. The last conversation we had she was very hateful and resentful toward myself and my adopted family she has never met. In the end she told me she wished she would have an an abortion. She continued to tell me what a selfish person I am and how I am now "dead" to her, I live with knowing that she hates me everyday. I have a half-sister who I will never talk to again now either. At the end of the day I feel so bad that it ended the way it did. But I never asked to be born, let alone ask to be given away. She made choices and now I have to live with the consequences of her choices, not once but now twice. There are 2 sides to every story, and I am sure she has her side. But nothing can take away the hateful words she said in our last conversation.
My reason for sharing this story is that I want all adoptees to be careful. I hold a lot of respect for birthmothers. I am in no way trying to place blame on birthmothers I realize how hard the decision to give up your child must be. As an adoptee who has had a nightmare for a reunion, I feel I must ask anyone else who is in the position I was in to protect yourself. My story does not have a happy ending. I live with that everyday, just like I lived with being adopted everyday. Given the choice to do this all, over again I never would have met her, because in the end I was the one who was given up all over again. It is an awful reality to know that I was willfully given up twice in my life. She chose to give me away again. This time though she gave me up with hate in her heart. I am a good person, I come from a good family, but now I question myself everyday. I question why I accepted the opportunity to reunite with her. I wonder if the whole ordeal is my fault. What could I have done different? I have terrible dreams about her about the things she said and the way I was treated. I always figured as an adoptee I would be embraced given the opportunity to meet my biologiacl family and instead I have been shuned and rejected. The way this feels is awful. In the end I know that when by b-mom leaves this earthly world she will leave bitter and alone. I have to find a way to make peace with what she had done to me.. I just need to know how.


__________________

[lilyaya28]

I am so sorry to hear of what you have had to go through. Being adopted is hard enough, ya know all the questions about who you are, all the questins of why? I also gave much respect to my b-mom for giving me up.. she gave life to another family a family which I would not be able to live without. I just can't seem to get rid of the words she wrote to me. I know that our reunion was short lived, but a lot went on in those couple of years. Suicide attempts on my part and constant failed expectations. I could not live up to what she thought I shoud be. I was told in the begininng of my reunion that I was conceived through rape. That was a hard pill to swallow. I felt so bad for her and at the sme time grieved for myself. I was conceived through such an act of hatred. I think that maybe when she looked at me that is what she saw. I am a product of her pain and her tragedy. I have a lot to work through and I just want to stop hating her and to stop feeling the pain of being given up twice.
I admire the words you write and the way you have come through it so far. Thank you for reading my story as well.

[cori]

What cruel things these birthmoms have said!

Mine has said some cruel things to me also, some that were said unknowingly. By her actions she has done some hurtful things to me also, yet I know in her heart there is still some love there.

I'm sure that your birthmother had her share of pain and decided to unload it on you. I'm sure she has regretted her words since then. If she acts hateful toward you, then she is hating herself at the same time because you are a part of her. Anyone that would tell another human being that they wish they were dead will live with that hate inside them until they ask for forgiveness. Her pain is greater than yours! You can't be expected to give up your adoptive parents. That's ridiculous! She had unrealistic expectations of you.

How do you and I forgive our birthmothers? Realize that we have had a life of different experiences away from them and they can't expect us to have the same beliefs and values that they do. Feel sorry for them and their pain that they would inflict it on you and then you can get on with life. I have to keep reminding myself that it is her issues, not mine. I didn't do anything to deserve it!

[patrisha]

lilyaya28

The "reunion" of two people related by blood but separated by a life of different experiences always packs the potential for calamity. If there is one good argument for open adoptions it is that birth family relationships can be developed or abandoned on a natural time table.

There are no words of consolation that will help either the adoptee or the birth parent when the relationship ends badly with a hurtful emotional outburst.

I cringe when I hear either an adoptee or birth mother express the desire to reestablish the lost maternal bond. It will be rare that both are on that same wave, and usually one will pull back and the other will get hurt.

My heart goes out to you.
Trish
Reunited Birth Mom

[lilyaya28]

I am so glad that all of you have replied to my story. It seems that I am not as alone as I have been feeling these past weeks. I am such an overly sensitive person that my b-moms words have cut a wound so deep and I am not sure how to heal it. My birthday is next week and 6 months ago I actually thought this would be the birthday I would be able to share with her. I went into my reunion with very little expectations, but that one, to be able to see, talk or share 1 birhtday with her. I did not expect gifts, cards or any material posession, just to hear her say"Happy Birthday". I am soon going to be turning 29 and I have to find a way to move on. I never thought that at this point in my life I would have to grieving the loss of my b-mom. I was happy and content not knowing her. She searched for me, she found me. I do not want to sound so selfish as if to think or believe this is all about me. Obviously she has problems . I have never been a MOM or had to relinqush the rights to a child. I can say now though that I am a firm believer in not having reunions. I know that I will never have any kind of relationship with my b-mom. We will never speak again. How sad and unfortunate that she will never get to know me, never be a part of me and I doubt that she regrets the things she said. I have to live with that not her. I hope I have not direspected any b-mom's in any way. I am just so sad about this and the pain is fresh that I literally have nightmares about the things she said. I never thought I would have anyone say tht I am dead to them. I always thought I was a good person.

[shirleyville]

Stephanie,
I understand your pain. My birthmom denied contact with me upfront -- she didn't even make an attempt to speak with me, but in a way, her silence feels much the same as the hurtful words you experienced. I have since had contact with some members of my birthfamily, who reluctantly told me that part of the reasoning behind her denial of contact was the "jealousy" she felt because I had been relinquished to a better life than she, and her other children, have had. Apparently, her life wasn't all the greatest before I came along, and it didn't get any better over the last 39 years. She's in an alcoholic/abusive realtionship that's she's stayed in since 1969 -- she has one child, my sister, who was born a year after me, and then she eventually married, and had one of my brothers in 1970 and another in 1973. By all accounts, the kids have grown up in poverty, in a house filled with alcohol and abuse, and our mom feels that she could never tell them that one of "us" "got away". She said they wouldn't understand why they were made to stay and endure, and I was given up.
My birth cousin, with whom I have a realtionship, said that those kids would HATE me for the kind of life I've had.
They are really bitter things to hear......and it saddens me because I am TOTALLY not that kind of person. I could never judge anyone based on what they have or don't have -- and while I have had a lot of "material" advantages that they apparently didn't, the things I value most, and the things I have found to be most advantageous to me thru out my life, arent' things that can come from a bank, or from an "affluent" social status. I have learned that you can't get anywhere in life waiting for someone else to hand you something -- your life is what you make it. You, and you alone. It's all about choices. You can choose to allow your "situation" to control you, OR, YOU can control the situation. If I were to have a realtionship with them now, I feel I wouldn't be the one doing the "judging" -- they would. There are a lot of people out there who feel like the world "owes them" for what they have endured, and it's so hard to believe my birthfamily is that way -- but they apparently are. I would have liked to have had a chance to make that assessment for myself, but I won't ever have that -- unless of course I want to get in the car, drive to her house, and ask her myself. She lives less than 10 minutes from me.
SO, do I disresepct her wishes to have "no contact"? She filed papers with the state saying "absolutely no contact"....she made it abundently clear that she wants nothing to do with me -- and knowing what I do from my cousin, I believe I would be doing nothing more than inviting MORE pain into my life -- and in hers.
I truly DO respect my birthmother. She gave me life...maybe she didn't do it in the "fairytale" style I imagined, where she WANTED a better life for me -- she obviously didn't really consider that, if she is worried about the grand and glorious life I've had now. But whether she gave me up because it was too late to get an abortion, or she couldn't afford one, or she wanted money from the private adoption, or she wanted to just plain get rid of me and move on.......she DID give me life, and I will always respect her for that.
Who she is, or what her world is like, has no bearing on me, as a person. I've made my own place in this world, and it's a wonderful place. I am using my life for the positive, and this experience has been positive for me, as well. It's given me a lot of strength -- more strength than I ever have had....and I'm thankful I searched. The outcome may not have been as I hoped it would be, but it has shown me another side of life -- it's another experience in the journey of the life I hold so dear.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Hugs,
Sally

[sspete]

Lilyaya--I am a bmom and your story broke my heart!!! You are a good person and your bmom said some awful, cruel things to you that know one should say to anyone much less their own flesh and blood. I am so sorry for you and how your reunion turned out. It sounds to me as if you are better off without her in your life. Some relationship are just toxic and better off not formed! I am sorry that you had to hear such awful things and only hope that you can see she must have serious problems within herself. It is not against you, but "things" she needs to resolve in her own life. My prayers are with you that you will put all this behind you, as hard as it is going to be. Concentrate on the good things in your life. Blessings!! S Pete

[lilyaya28]

I am so grateful to have found this site. The positive response I have gotten has given me strength th find a way to move on. It may take a lot of time, but I am finding that I have more strength than I knew.
When I told my "MOM" (adopted mom) about the e-mail I received from my b-mom, the one that was so cuel,she cried. I was thinking about that tonight. Giving birth to a child does not exactly make you a mom, but loving a child no matter what makes you a "Mommy". I am so thankful to have my parents. I feel as if though I am grieving the death of somene with all that has happened with my b-mom. I even feel funny callling her that. In my opinion she does not deserve the title. All she has done is cause me pain. Unfortunatley in my past I have been known to be a little mentally unstable as far as my emotions go and this was a huge setback for me. I know that I am not the only one who has experienced pain in a reunion.
I cover the pain even to those who are closest to me, because I fear they will not "get" it. I want to find a way to make this negative situation into a poitive.
I think of my half-sister, who will not speak to me now either. I look at the life she has had and I realize that she is a mess. She has turned out exactly the way I could have. I really thought that she and I woud be sisters. I dreamed of us talking on the phone, being great frinds and it breaks my heart that she hates me too. All of the information she has gotten has been very one sided.
Sorry I am babbling now, but THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have read this and thought about it and to all of who who have replied!!!!

[my sister]

It is so sad when a story such as yours ends up so bad.
You are a good person and you need to try to move on
with your life. It is her loss not yours. You are so right when
you said it takes more than giving birth to make a mom. Most
women can give birth. It takes a special person who loves and
guides you through your life to be a mom.Your adopted mom
chose you as her own.She is the one who has been there all
these years for you.Concentrate on the good things in your
life not the negative.It is not your fault any of this happened.
Good luck to you.

[lilyaya28]

I was wondering?? Many of the posts about bad reunions or animosity between adoptee and b-mom have talked about forgiving. I don't know how to start that. I am so hurt, sad, shocked and feel so rejected. I am the type of person that is so easy to get along with and genuinley nice.. I thought. I was raised with manners, respect, and values. My parents raised me to believe in my own thing. Over the years I have come into my own belief system which does not include hate for anyone or anything. So how come I hate her.. my b-person. How can I stop this feeling.

[Paulene]

Hi there

I am a bmom and have just picked up on your thread, even though it is nearly a year old ( I have just joined) I am horrified for you. I search for my bdaughter and found her in Jan after 2.5 year search. She visited me for the first time last weekend. It was emotional, lots of highs and lows. She now wants space to reassess her feelings. I am standing back, loving her but waiting. My overriding fear is rejection. I suppose like your bmom its losing twice. You were given to loving parents as my daughter was. It is very hard for a bmom to know someone perhaps did a better job with her child than she perhaps could have done. However I cannot understand why she disrespected you so, unless she has overiding guilt. My bdaughter forgave me and that healed me somewhat but I feel for you so much. I think you want your bmom far more than my daughter wants hers. Please take care and be happy

Regards

paulene from UK

[andromeda]

I am an adoptee and birthmother who has had similar experience of rejection by my birthmother. I learned who my mother was when I got pregnant at 16. She was someone I'd known all my life. My adoptive parents sent me to live with her instead of letting me get married to the father of my baby and my birthmother put me in a maternity home and made me give up my own baby.

40 years later, I have searched and found my own son. We had a wonderful 8 year relationship and then he died. He'd been injured in an accident at 16 and was a quadriplegic when I found him. I last spoke to my own birthmother at his funeral, simply because I wasn't going to cause a scene although Mike might have found it amusing. He always approved of everything I did. I probably won't ever see her again although her other children do keep in touch sporadically - against her wishes.

I guess a happy reunion wasn't meant to be, but I endured her tossing me out of her life many times over the years. Each time I went back, knowing she didn't mean it. But at last I decided that I would hold her responsible for her words and would not go back seeking to be in her life ever again. It actually feels good that I was able to make that decision instead of letting her dictate terms to me.

I fully believe that people should search if they want but they need to be aware of the difficulties adoption separation can cause.

I wish everyone could have the reunion I had with my son even though it was only 8 years. He was one of a kind, liked me with all my flaws and I'll miss him until I die.

Lynn

[courtneync]

To all of the adoptees!

I am a 22 y/o birthmother who has recently given my baby up for adoption, not only was it and will be the hardest decision in my life BUT i cant wait for the day ( i hope) that he wants to meet me! I am so disappointed that some of these birth parents would act in this manner. My child didnt ask to be born, nor did he 'tell me' to allow him to be raised by a different family. And i would NEVER blame him for any of the pain that i feel, not only would that be selfish but also that would be dishonest. My heart goes out to all of you because i know how hurt you must be. I just hope that you would keep your head up and know that none of what you've been told is the truth. You are a blessing and you do have a purpose! Good luck to you all!