[debsdone]

This is something I posted on another thread, but it got lost in the rhetoric. I have not edited it , it was in response to another post, but I wanted to share the basic sentiment! Debi


Perhaps you feel the way you do because you are NOT adopted. If you are trying to have an actual relationship with your sister, you may want to consider a few additional things. she is NOT simply a product of adoption, None of us are. Believing that we are a true part of our family, not a charity case, or a temporary boarder. If a birth-family is not in the picture, (as it is in an open adoption) to believe ourselves a part of what we DO have, in the physical reality of our world, is a very important and necessary thing. To believe that a child should grieve and long for an absent birth family is a horrible thing. When and if it happens is bad enough, but to say that it SHOULD happen as a way to validate that absent birth-family is cruel.
In my 45 years as an adopte, I never felt bad about myself until the very vocal anti-adoption folks here got their claws into me. Now I am nothing but a source of pain to them. In addition to being a wonderful, albeit, mindless (wounded) gift to my abusive a-parents. I always believed my birth-mother placed me out of love and an amazing selfless bravery. Now I am EXPECTED to believe that she was simply a weak unwitting pawn of an evil industry. and believing this is somehow important for ME. Well, thanks so much to those who (hopefully) feel a bit better for having shared their personal pain and misery. God forbid any child should actually remain comfortable with their existence!
As a MOTHER, of any kind, I vow to NEVER force a child of mine to accept MY reality when it is so bitter it will forever taint them. I pray more MOTHERS will love their children enough to do the same! Debi



(This was a part of the abortion debate boards, and replies were posted)

[sweetnoodle]

Deb,

You know I follow your posts and I care what you have to say.

And I say, "Here, here!" We are all individuals. Up with freedom!

Love,

[sam_i_am_71801]

We are only limited by the boundries that we "allow" around us..........freedom is just that..............those in charge are of regulatory confinement........that does not mean that we as individuals have to comply.............love ...........sam

[sam_i_am_71801]

For the ones that tell you, "you can't" and KNOW that you can...............

[sspete]

Great post!! I think the adoptees should feel better than anyone on this board. Everyone involved should put the feelings of the adoptees first and foremost!! You are the reason their is a board! Everyone of you should be proud of who you are, and know that someone, some where had your best interest at heart!! spete

[vicrose]

Deb, I like you have always felt that my Mom gave me up for adoption because she loved me and only wanted the best for me. When I see people dogging they're Mom's for giving them up, and calling them callous names, it disgusts me, because giving a baby up for adoption has to be one of the hardest choices a woman can make. It really takes a special person to be able to look deep inside herself and make the choice of adoption for her baby. Yes, some of us have not had perfect lives, but as we get older we learn that life is what you make of it. And now that I have children of my own, I realize even more that what my Mom did was such a sacrifice. And when I finally meet her, I will tell her. Sincerely, Brenda....

[debsdone]

Thanks for the support to everyone! I am somewhat sorry to have posted this in my anger, but I think I will let it stand. It is as valid a part of me as anything, and I suppose I should let it out into the light now and again! Today is a MUCH better day! Love, Debi

[dl]

Although you say you posted this "in anger", it felt to me that it was posted more out of frustration. That may be due to the fact that I have been extremely frustrated over the very same attitudes that you posted about.

As an adoptee that was raised in a loving home and had a good life, it has truly amazed me that some bmothers find that personally offensive to them. My aparents raised me to believe that my bmother wanted me to have a better life than she could give me, out of her love for me. To now learn, that there are some bmothers that resent that their child may have had a good life is extremely sad. I can only hope that my bmother is more like one of the peaceful bmoms who made the decision out of love, grieved and suffered the pain of loss but learned to live with those feelings and continues to want only the best for their child. To prefer that a child had gone through life feeling like an orphan in a temporary home instead of feeling like they "belong" in their family, or worse to wish that the child had never been born? To me, that does not convey loving feelings.

Like you, I never put much emphasis on adoption until I found this forum. I have been called on this forum, "callous" "heartless" and more, for not searching for my bmother years ago. I've always heard more stories about horrible reunions than positive. Just as bmothers did not have access to the internet until recent years, neither did adoptees. The internet has made searches and reunions more attainable. Plus, just as bmothers from the 50's and 60's had different experieces than more recent bmothers, so did the adoptees. Just as the bmothers were told to move on, don't talk about it etc., adoptees were told bmothers did not want to be found, would be embarressed, part of their shameful past etc. Yes, what people are told now is different, but it is not my fault that different attitudes previously prevailed and that does not make me "callous" or "heartless".

In addition to being raised with the belief that my bmother surrendered me out of love, I have always felt that it had to have been a difficult decision and she had to have been a very strong woman. Find it sad that so many seem to prefer being seen as helpless victims who had no influence at all on what happened to their child. Many complain of the negative stereotypes - to me, they're creating a new negative stereotype. I remember someone posted once in reply to a bmother saying her child "was lost to adoption". This poster commented "That sounds like you misplaced your child. How does one do that?"

Yes, do let this thread remain Debi, and thank you for starting it. It's hard to find a place where adoptees can share their feelings without getting completely slammed. I'm not denying that other adoptees have different experiences and attitudes. I just feel many times that we get attacked because we represent what some want to feel does not exist - An adoptee that has not gone through life completely miserable due to being adopted.

[sspete]

What a great post--dlouis, I enjoyed that and believe your feelings of being adopted are great. Thank you so much for looking at your adoption experience the way you do. It is a pleasure to read your post! spete

[sweetnoodle]

dlouis

That's right!

[lemonchutney]

What I've seen over and over is something very akin to bigotry--one person projects onto some "out-group" whatever negative feelings they have inside, and they expect others to agree with them, and since they are supposedly "looking out" for us, they also expect us to introject their projections. In order for the projection to work, me must remain vague, uncomplicated, non-individuals. They wink and nod and say, "Oh, you know how those adoptees are." When we wave our arms and say, "Look, I'm here now, real and unimaginary, a fully formed adult with something to say" they don't want to hear it unless what we say agrees with their projections. One result is that even if we do have pain from being adopted, we are afraid to admit it for fear of being made into a caricature.

[FamilyBound]

debsdone and dlouis -- Thank you

[stacyone]

debsdone, dlouis, lemonchutney....3 of my favorite posters....

If I all I saw was posts from the "anti" people, I'd want to climb into bed and never get out. Thanks for the positive words!

[gaylene]

i talked to my birth mom and iam 44 years i waited all my life and this is what she told me i was a prouduct of insects and she didnt even want to look at me and thats how she felt no answers no nothing how am i to deal withl thatf? broken hearted and alone again

[vicrose]

dlouis....I have never once thought that what you post is ever "callous"....just very from the heart....just remember that you can't please everybody all the time!! You keep telling it from the heart...it's the only way to be...be expressive....we love that about you!! Hugs, Brenda