[katy41]

i've been trying to learn it for the last 6 months through meetings with child and adolesant mental health team(uk) and now doing a course ...healing the hurt child,i can see that it's effective in managing difficult behaviour when i catch it early enough on that occasion but the the sibling group i permanently foster still keep exihibiting the same behaviour.......they are all quite differant...mostly typical rad behaviour leading to 2 needing special schools as mainstream couldnt cope with them ,evan with 1:1 help,but between them they also have ;.....sexualised behaviour,playing with hands staring(3.5 hrs in car no blinking),hiding under coat ,rocking, mild head banging,repetative noises(again can be for hrs),standing nose to nose with strangers,walking through people

has anyone looked after other children like this who can now function as adults?did you use theraputic parenting or something else?i feel as if c.a.m.h. are using me as a guinea pig.if it doesnt work,is it going to be because i havent tried hard enough?
in the uk,they seem very reluctant to involve the child,even when thier behavior is bizarre,it took 18mthsfor 1 child to be seen when they made repeated death threats.the only support i have is 1hr with a child psychologist every 8 weeks.
i'm so scared about thier future as theres not much help for them now and i've heard it's so much worse when they leave school at 18.they are currently 8 10 and 12 and i feel realy stressed when i think how little time is left.

[kretzklan]

Is healing the hurt child the Heather Forbes approach? I believe it is and that works for some people, but it doesn't work for a lot of severely RAD kids. What you are doing is going to be hard and I'm so sorry it doesn't sound like you are getting what you need - can you go out on your own and find therapy - especially attachment therapy - will they allow that? Once every 8 weeks for where you are is not ok. One thing that worked for my DD who has 'self-soothing/harming' behaviors (not exactly the ones you mention...but they mostly fall in the same category) was to give her permission to do it in the privacy of her own room. I tell you what, she has no more marks on her, no more teeth are falling out - it was all mostly for the attention - she doesn't care if it's positive or negative attention...just attention. So, give them the permission to prettle on, rock, bang their head (as long as it's mild as you said) IN their private space...no one else wants to see it. Then if they continue to do it, give the same consequence they would get for disrespect (breaking a rule) since that is now what they are doing...you are no longer consequencing the behavior, but the choice. Now, again, if this is a Heather Forbes class - none of that probably applies because she is very "it's never the kid's fault...just hug them and send them on"...which does not work for me at all.
It's not your fault...someone hurt those children before you and you have to now show them what a strong adult presence is - keep them safe (even from themselves) and give them the tools to leave you at 18 and have a life of remote normalcy. Rocking them when they attack you can't do that in my book.

[lucyjoy]

Good theraputic parenting that mixes high nurture with high structure and accountibility works if there is GOOD attachment therapy to go with it. Theraputic parenting will not heal PTSD or imbedded trauma, it just provides a child an environment where they can feel safe to work on healing. The healing comes through tough work in therapy.

Nancy Thams and her now very healthy, healed from RAD daughter wrote a book called Dandelion on MY Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath. It gives both the parents prospective and the child's prospective of living in a theraputic home.

You'll get more response in the special needs section of this support forums

[katy41]

we've been watching a dan hughs dvd as part of the course whicch is interesting and his approuch does seem to work on them for individual incerdents (when i remember to use it)but not prevent them repeating behaviour.because i'm a permanent foster carer i have no choice but to follow the camhs advice(eg.can only take ds.s off them for 12 and 8 mins respectively,they keep telling me what i cant do but havent put anything else in place other than empathy and cuddling........eg.in response to 8 yr old grabbing ladies boobs in super market

[Lorraine123]

I am a huge believer in therapeutic parenting, and that takes many forms. For me, therapeutic parenting means I create a safe, loving, nurturing environment with boundaries. When boundaries are breached, consequences are given with love. That doesn't always happen because we are human and these children know how to push our buttons, but that is the goal. Therapeutic parenting is about teaching the child to trust and follow the rules. Once the child can do that, they can live in society as an adult successfully. Therapeutic parenting is not therapy. It does not delve into resulving trauma, that is the job of the therapist. I feel the two must go hand in hand.

[katy41]

the 8 yr old certainly pushes my buttons....when told no in public,he either puts his hand in his underwear and starts stroking him self,shouts ow and throws himself on the floor or starts scratting his head vigourously(checked for nits 2x a week) but never does these behaviours at home!

[Sdirector]

Lorraine... sounds good!

It also sounds like "normal" parenting.

Our daughter's therapist has told us to parent her like we parent the others. And, it works, but perhaps that is because we parent the others in a loving, nurturing enviroment, with boundaries. And there are consequences for straying from those boundaries.