[uwadad]

Hi! would love any insight I could get. We are in the process of adopting a pre-teen girl with Rad and anxiety disorder. any advice would be appreciated. Just recently found out she has this and we are still are wanting to adopt her just like to know what we may expect as far as behaviors.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by uwadad

Hi! would love any insight I could get. We are in the process of adopting a pre-teen girl with Rad and anxiety disorder. any advice would be appreciated. Just recently found out she has this and we are still are wanting to adopt her just like to know what we may expect as far as behaviors.

You'll get the best responses in the general SPECIAL NEEDS forum. http://forums.adoption.com/special-needs-adoption/ There are many parents of RAD children in that forum.

[lucyjoy]

I recommend reading Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath by Nancy Thomas and her daughters.

Do you have access to a qualified attachment therapist?

Does your state pay for residential care if your child needs to live out of home? Get that into the subsidy agreement.

Things you need to know:How many times has this child been moved? Why was the child moved? Does the child exhibit the same symptoms at school as she does at home? Have there been any violent or sexually questionable incidents while she has been in care? Does she rage? Has she made allegations against foster families? Any disrupted adoptive placements? Can you talk to the former foster parents? Why aren't the current foster parents adopting her? You need this information to find out what level of behavior and attachment disorder you are dealing with.

I would recommend putting an alarm on her bedroom door. She's more likely to sleep if she knows no one can sneak up on her. And, she cannot wonder around the house at night without you knowing where she is.

Don't put too many things in her room to start with. That sometimes is overwhelming for kids with high anxiety. It's better to add as you go then to have to remove.

If you have anything in your house that's of great value, lock it away until your child is healthier. Stealing and destroying things are common behaviors for children with rad. They tend to target what's closest and most precious to the moms.

[uwadad]

She is not that bad according to foster parents, Dr. took her off meds for RAD 2 yrs ago, and has been fine except that she will sometimes not sleep well or get aggitated if change happens too quickly. She has been told about us and wants to meet us. She also wants to keep the attachment with foster family. We have no problem with that, in fact we welcome it. we are also going to get all of her special things when she comes so that she can have familair things around. WE also are going to slowly introduce her to family not have everyone there all at once that would be too much for her.

[Lorraine123]

There are no medications for RAD.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

There are no medications for RAD.

so right...but there are for anxiety...which is what lots of RAD kids take...and if she is not on any for a big move, you may see behaviors in her that she has not exhibited for a while. so b prepared for her to not be as well behaved as her current family says she is being for them. also just be diligent.....really pay attention to her behaviors and try to sense when she is getting overly anxious and needs a break.

Don't put too many things in her room to start with. That sometimes is overwhelming for kids with high anxiety. It's better to add as you go then to have to remove.

If you have anything in your house that's of great value, lock it away until your child is healthier. Stealing and destroying things are common behaviors for children with rad. They tend to target what's closest and most precious to the moms.

i couldn't agree more with this!

[lucyjoy]

There are no medications for rad.

If she has an attachment to the foster family she cannot have RAD.

Is there a therapist involved that can give you information about her current ability to attach and where the RAD diagnosis came from?

How does she act when she hasn't slept? Does she rage, sass, refuse to move? You need to have a plan for this so you need to know what it looks like.

How long has she been with the current foster family she is said to be attached to?

[uwadad]

It came from the foster family and social worker we have not had our first visit yet we are just going by what we have been told,the meds were for anxiety (sorry) I was not clear. the foster mom said the dr diagnosed her with Rad.we do not know guess we'll find out.

[lucyjoy]

My concern is that with RAD, case workers and short term foster parents either haven't seen the issues or tend to cover them up or push them off as not really an issue.

Living with a child who has rad day to day is extremetly hard and the more information you can get up front, the better prepared you'll be to handle these things when they come up.

Often, children with AD/RAD do beautifully on visits and when they first move in but then quickly began doing really odd things that feel very personal to the people parenting them. The more you can find out about RAD/AD, the more easily you will recogize these behaviors and be able to deal with them without feeling battered.

Another parenting resource for children with these disorders are the bood by Katherine Leslie. Her first book, When a Stranger Calls You Mom, has a lot of clinical explanation at the beginning but if you are new to dealing with RAD would be good to know. Her second book is more on her parenting appoarch. It's called,
Coming to Grips with Attachment.

[ejcimd]

Make sure you read her case file in detail. See if you can contact any prior homes she may have been in before the current one. Also, keep an open mind and be prepared to read a lot. Check out Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and Parenting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky.

[Lorraine123]

LucyJoy hit the nail on the head. Social workers rarely see RAD because it comes out when a relationship is being built. As long as the relationship is superficial, the child is fine. I would ask how long she has been with this family. RAD children can honeymoon a LONG time. There is no way she can have attachment to the foster family and be RAD. I was told that my daughter was attached to her foster family. No she isn't, her RAD is severe and she was able to fake it very well. Research thoroughly.

[ajjhmf]

If you want more info on the behaviors assosicted with RAD, you can also check out www.radzebra.org .

Living with a child with RAD is unlike anything you have ever experienced. And no matter how prepared you think are, stuff will come out of no where and hit you hard.

Be sure you know as much as you can before you move forward. Also, check out attach.org for a qualified attachment therapist in the area. You will want therapy to start right away.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

LucyJoy hit the nail on the head. Social workers rarely see RAD because it comes out when a relationship is being built.

not only that, but i think some things we report that RAD kids do, people hear and think that it is not that bad, or just normal kid stuff. if i had a penny for everyone who ever said to me, "my kid did that." i'd be rich!

but when a social worker hears a fp say that fd asks for food at inappropriate times, they chalk it up to being neglected and just think with consistency and cupboard full of food the problem will be fixed and the foster parent is just over reacting. while people with a RAD kid know that what that statement really means is that EVERYTIME you are in public, your kid comes up to you at the checkout stand, at the pharmacy, or next to a lady looking at lipgloss and says, "are you going to feed me today? all you gave me for breakfast was an apple." (insert pathetic sad face here....along with the shocked look from stranger.) nevermind that you made oatmeal, an apple, and juice, and the child CHOSE to eat a half an apple and push the rest away, you are caught in an embarassing moment, and they know it. my fd was always trying to get me to say, "yes i'm going to feed you, we're going to mcdonald's right now." and when i did not (which was always) a tantrum ensued...ah, emotional warfare. it is a problem. and it gets tiring not being able to do normal things without constant manipulation. but really, the only people who see how severe of a problem that is, are the people that are living it.

Living with a child with RAD is unlike anything you have ever experienced. And no matter how prepared you think are, stuff will come out of no where and hit you hard.

amen....and i freely admit that the last year with my dd is like a DREAM in comparison to the years before, and in comparison to the other stories i hear, but man, i still fall in bed every night exhausted. she needs every ounce of my energy every single day!

[newmommyneedshelp]

***disrupted placement mentioned*

We disrupted a placement last year. We were told many lies, amoung them that the children (ages 4 & 5) were very attached to their current foster parents. However, it became very clear that they had no bond with them at all despite the FP having had them for nearly 18 months.

When I asked (preplacement) about the possiblity of RAD I was told they "didn't have it" since they were so attached to each other. Later - on my own- I read and learned about "trama bonds" . They "appeared" to be attached to each other but it was soon clear that they were not...the boy was and had been sexually absuing the girl for years, she was finally physically bigger and smarter than he was and paid him back in spades every chance she got.

[uwadad]

Like I said earlier, we really don't know a lot only what we found in her profile and what social services says about her. Her profile says she is loving, and polite, and good mannered. It says she does need a family who can help her accept change when it occurs. We know she has anxiety disorder also. So do you think this is still RAD or just anxiety disorder?