[Lorraine123]

There is no way to know if it is truly RAD. You would think my daughter is loving, polite and good mannered. In fact, she is probably better mannered than most 12 year olds. Thats the thing with RAD, the outrageous behavior are kept hidden. Only the family sees it.

I would proceed with the assumption that the diagnosis is real. If it is wrong, then consider it a gift. But if you are planning on moving this child into your home, be fully prepared. Research RAD thoroughly and make sure you are willing to do it. RAD takes work. It will overtake your life. Love doesn't heal it. Learn what does and do it from day one.

[lucyjoy]

Polite, loving and good mannered but was diagnosed with RAD? You need more information.

My sibling groups profile said they were sweet and energetic. Um, 2 of them were seriously dangerous.

One of my kids was in a facility that always talked about how polite he was. He very politely told them that yes he did try to kill me and meant for me to be dead. He very politely told them that he was stalking women and would use violence if they chose someone else. But, they said he followed the facility rules very well and was very polite and therefore safe to live in society. The facilities report indicated that I had unreasonable expectations for my son. Anyone reading his records would have no clue that he had attempted murder and committed rape.

So, if I were looking at the information you have been given, I would want to know who made the rad diagnisis and on what grounds. I'd want to know if her current therapist still felt the diagnosis was accurate. I'd want to know how many times she moved and what reasons(and lazy or bad fp is often a red flag for RAD).

Now, there are levels or attachment so not saying this girl is as out there as my kids. I'm just saying that the more information you can get, the clearer picture you have as to what therapy and parenting needs you'll encounter. Right now, her reports contain conflicting information. I do have kids who came with attachment disorder that have healed so not saying it's hopeless at all. I just wish I'd been better prepared.

[uwadad]

Thanks Lucyjoy, that makes a lot of sense. As soon as we can look at her case file for ourselves we will have a better idea. And we can also start asking questions before the first visit with her.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by uwadad

Thanks Lucyjoy, that makes a lot of sense. As soon as we can look at her case file for ourselves we will have a better idea. And we can also start asking questions before the first visit with her.

that's a good plan. and ask and ask and ask and ask and ask. anything that looks like a red flag, or conflicting info, ask.

I just wish I'd been better prepared.

lucyjoy took the words right out of my mouth. me too. but at the same time, i think the only way you can truly prepare for RAD is trial by fire. lol. because how many of us would have believed what we read without actually living with a child with RAD? i wouldn't have.

so...good luck. lol. if you feel comfortable taking the placement, and need to vent later, be sure to come back. lol. we've all btdt and there is probably not a story to be told that hasn't happend to us or someone we know. your greatest GREATEST sanity saver as a parent of a child of RAD (should the dx be accurate) will be other parents of RAD children.

[o2b30again]

One child might lie, wet the bed and be a bit more aggressive in play than other children, while another might smear feces, steal, start fires and be physically abusive to mom. They will NOT show these behaviors in most places but home.

The symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder parents generally witness are far more specific and obvious. Some of the commons Attachment Disorder Symptoms include:

A child who is superficially engaging and charming with strangers and visitors.
A child who is Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, including hugging and talking about intimate family details.
A Child who fails to make or maintain eye contact on his or her parent's terms.
A child who is not affectionate on his or her parent's terms, but may be over huggy and clingy on their own terms.
A Self-destructive and/or accident prone child.
Hurtful or unsafe with others and material property.
A child who is cruel to animals.
Lying about the obvious, nonsense lying. Even when no real motivation for a lie exists.
Stealing, including items of no use to the child.
A child with no impulse controls. Often labeled as hyperactive.
Lack of normal developmental and behavior milestones.
Learning Lags.
Unable to understand cause and effect.
Appears to lack a conscience.
Eating disorders. (overeating, refusing to eat, hiding food, stealing food)
Poor social and peer relationships.
Some children are preoccupied with fire .
Some children are preoccupation with blood and gore.
Persistent nonsense questions and chatter (this is to be demanding of parent's time and attention)
Abnormal speech patterns, baby talk or nonsense talking, gibberish. (again, controlling behavior, parent is forced to say what? what?)
Triangulation of adults. Manipulation of situations between adults.
False allegations of abuse.
Presumptive entitlement issues.
Parents appear hostile and angry or over controlling

[alys1]

I would read "Don't Touch My Heart" by L.G. Mansfield and Christopher H. Waldmann. It's a very readable story about an abused child with *huge* issues and behavior problems after entering the home. Details his actions towards and effects on the adoptive parents and siblings. Also paints a picture of his life when he was in an abusive home. And therapy for him. I think you really get a picture of how rough it can be, and how different it is from "normal" children.

Some copies very reasonably priced at Amazon: Amazon.com: Don't Touch My Heart: Healing the Pain of an Unattached Child: L.G. Mansfield, Christopher H. Waldmann: Books
Whether or not you move ahead with this child, I highly recommend "Don't Touch My Heart."

Kate Cairn's books are full of suggestions for *how* to parent such children. They're excellent, but more work to get through.

PS In our FP classes they told us "the social workers will minimize behaviors/ problems to place the child, beware!". Having been around fostering for 3 years... "Boy was that true!" So many stories from so many people.

[PinkandBlue]

I am a new member to list and can't agree more with your post, as I now know too late... protect what is valuable to you, knowing that these kids know how to pick locks, etc. You absolutely need support outside the family to deal with the typical behaviors. My kid has morphed from "basic needs" at adoption to bipolar/conduct disorder/borderline personality at age 14. It's a nightmare daily with how to keep her and myself safe.

[alys1]

was your child when you first adopted?

Do you feel the "basic needs" description was accurate?

Were you given help to figure out what to do to help the child by social services, or left completely on your own?

If so... have you found anything that has helped?

Don't exactly know how to say this, but I feel your pain in the sense that I used to go to bed every day thinking that dealing with my foster child had taken a little more out of me than I had to give. And that was with at least lay support.