[Liam1983]

Hello I am new to this and could use some help. The person that i love is adopted. He was adopted at birth and his adopted parents have also been through several seperations ultimately leading to divorce. Basically in his current state he uses marijuana frequently, has a strong tendancy to manipulate situations, is strongly against talking about his feelings (leading to flaring of the temper) and is scared to touch or get close to anyone in his life.

It has come to the point now a year and a half later where little or no change has happened. We both freely admitting to loving one another but I have no idea how to approach this. He talks about possibly getting married but is scared of a simple touch? There is little opportunity to just discuss openly as he'll do anything to change the subject and it is stressful trying to find some way to help him when not sure if he wants it. There is no way to get him into professional therapy. People have given up on him and that is the last thing I want to do - but not sure what else to do? Trying to address it directly has never worked.

[Becki_in_IN]

It sounds a lot like RAD. Hop over to the Attachment forum and do some reading or look up Reactive Attachment Disorder.

[Barksum]

Coping skills learned in childhood (like RAD) are difficult to break through once one is an adult. It has worked so well for so long, why change, you know what I mean? Badgering is not going to help. Dripping like a little drop of water on a rock may have some impact...over time, and with little or no return of your affection. DO look into reactive attachment disorder and see if he fits some of the descriptions of adults who have had attachment disorder.

I'm married to a man who was raised in foster care. (Old laws, barring adoption...long story.) We've been married almost 20 years. He did not discuss his feelings when we first met. Shoot, he didn't TALK when we first met! We'd been married about 9 years when he told me about some of the negative experiences and memories from foster care. I asked him then why the caseworkers, foster parents, etc. hadn't done anything about what had happened. He told me that he had never told anyone what happened, other than a sibling who was placed with him for a time. ??! NO one knew what went on when he was in foster care, he talked to no one about any of it. NOTHING. NEVER. For 40 years. FORTY YEARS. (I talk so much that not telling someone something for 40 minutes strains my abilities.) Obviously being quiet, not rocking the boat, keeping his feelings well protected and tucked away (even from himself) seemed to have worked well for him.

He has opened up more in the last few years. He's happier, is learning to look back and see things as an adult with the ability to protect himself, not as a helpless child being provided for by and at any whim of the judicial system, the caseworkers, the foster parents, etc. In short, he's 'safe' now and can look back and open up a few of those closed boxes and not be in jeopardy from the memories.

My Dh has always been reserved, but he is affectionate with me and he does actively work to make himself do affectionate things like hug (a hard one for him) and kiss me before he leaves for work, that kind of thing. It was a conscious effort for him at first, but now he is comfortable and does it from habit...something that sounds really stale, but for him to habitually be affectionate means he didn't sit there for 20 minutes psyching himself up to a hug! LOL

Even while he was not all that overtly affectionate and had to remind himself to cuddle and hug, he was always overtly caring. He would help with ANY chore in the house, yard, car, laundry, you name it. He maintained (still does) a stable job and income. He was clear on his philosophy of life, what he believed in and what he lived for. Those are all BIG THINGS. He had direction, and he had conviction. I was willing to marry him because even though he wasn't a super affectionate person, he bought groceries for me, he did my dishes, he cared for me physically (I have a chronic medical condition), and this was all before we got married.

So. You have to decide if you can live with someone who does not return your affection, and may never be able to. Do you want another 40 or 50 years of that? or even 5? It is very difficult. You can't make your friend do anything. He must do whatever on his own. You can suggest, you can prod, you can fuss, but the bottom line is that you will go gray before that will really have a huge effect on him. It might make him start thinking about how what he has developed so well over the years is, perhaps, no longer an effective way to deal with life. But it may not change his actions or decisions, or willingness to seek counsel at all. Ever.

And also it is not 'giving up' on someone to realize that by staying with them your needs will never be met. That is a recipe for disaster. (Having btdt...not with Dh, who was willing to make some changes and was very caring from the get-go.) Denying yourself is something that most people are called upon to do at various stages of life, in various ways, so I'm not suggesting that you selfishly ignore someone in need and run off to a wilderness camp and resign yourself from all personal responsibility. Nor do I suggest that you base a long-term relationship on the foundation of 'I get nothing, but I'm there for him.' The other person in that equation needs to learn to give as well. Everyone changes as they grow older, but you really should start out as you mean to go on.