[Lonnie Clements]

My husband was given up for adoption at the age of 2. He was put in a foster home who had my husband, another adopted child, and 2 children of their own. My husband called them mom and dad, because they were all he knew. Well, he spent 6 1/2 years there. By the age of 7 1/2, he begged them to adopt him because he always knew he wasnt THEIR CHILD.
One day, come the Smiths* who rip him out of the only home he knew, crying and waving to his SISTER, MOTHER, BROTHER, and FATHER.
At such a devistating time in his life, do you think they put him in counseling?? NOPE. Do you think they sat and talked about HIS LOSS?? NOPE. They let it go, and let this poor 7 year old mourn over the death of his life once again. When your 2 it doesnt hurt so bad, at 7 its a whole nother ball game.
He tried to run away so many times to go back to his home. Hed cry in the middle of dinner. He didnt know who he was. He missed his family. No one wanted him.
Im sure this was the usual for an adopted kid.
But, if he asked for the foster family to adopt him so many times, and the father WANTED to adopt him, then why didnt they?? Only one reason I could ever come up wit for denying a little boy a wish like that. No heart. Thats just my opinion, but when I look at my 7 year old, and picture him begging me not to throw him away..... It kills me.
Now... my husband cant show love and affection. Hugs feel wierd to him. He doesnt say I Love you and isnt able to feel emotions or compassion or sympathy. He still doesnt know who he is, and still at the age of 33 has nightmares of leaving in that car when he was 7.
I dont know much about the system and about adoption, but I know one thing, If my husband wasnt in foster care for almost 6 years, he wouldnt be broken all his life.
---Think about every action you make with children because they will never forget----

[Jackiejdajda]

Lonnie.. He has you..

Jackie

[Howdy]

Have you tried to get a copy of his file, maybe that would have some answers to the mystery. I've read that in the old days foster parents were not allowed to adopt their foster children. So perhaps it was as heartbreaking to his foster family as it was to him.

It is shocking what is done to children, but I think the system now is more aware of the importance of transitions. It sounds like back then there was no transitioning.

I'm reading a book called 'Breaking the Silence' that is about "complicated grief". It discusses people getting 'frozen' areas from unresolved grief. It sounds like perhaps your husband has some frozen areas, and might benefit from grief counseling. The book I'm reading says complicated grief is when people do not feel like what happened to them can be openly expressed or is not understood and sympathized with. That sounds like what you are describing about your husband's feelings not being cared about.

[Boulderbabe]

I'm so sorry for your husband. He must have so much pain bottled up. Have the two of you sought therapy? I know there are new therapies that can really help.

Try to have some compassion for the foster family. In the old days, they wouldn't let foster families adopt for fear that they might get in the way of reunification with the birth family. But, of course, the system was so slow that years and years would pass. By the time the kid was legally free for adoption, he was attached to his foster family, and then had to be ripped away to be adopted. That sounds like what might have happened to your husband.

I'd really encourage the two of you to find his file, and if you can, look up his foster family. You might find that they're still grieving for him, too----and maybe all of you can get some healing by being reunited.

[MatthewS]

While the system is much better now than it was back then, I still think it damages kids. Rather than deal with an issue, it is pretty common for foster families/caseworkers to move a kid onto another family where the disruption might be better tolerated. It drives me nuts. I am my child's 8th caregiver and she isn't even six years old.

Boulderbabe is so very right. See if you can find the foster family. He may find the closure (and a whole lot of love) that he needs.

I'm sorry about your husband. Try not to be angry at the system...it does the best it can. I would encourage you and your husband to seek counseling. It can help a whole lot.

[Lonnie Clements]

Thank you all for responding.
Lonnie and I have been married for 14 years (since he was 20 and I 17) It has never been easy. I understand all mariages have their quirks and problems, but to be a wife who lives each day without the love, kindness, support, smiles, hugs..... has made it a constant challenge.
But, without a doubt in my mind, I was meant to love him for the rest of my life, I WILL NEVER THROW HIM AWAY. I want to fix him and teach him how to do theese things, but he never will, sadly.
But its not just him, so many children are moved from place to place, never finding their true HOME. With so many people wanting children, youd think this wouldnt happen to theese poor PEOPLE.
But on a positive note...... I have searched for Lonnie to find his family for 4 years, and im happy to say he just talked to his sister and brothers for the first time last week. He was born in Alabama so we also have his sealed records! Sadly, his dad passed away just last year, and i am still searching for his mom and 3 sisters from his mother.
But now Lonnie has a peice of who HE IS... and I can only hope that after all theese years of questions and wondering where he belongs (and growing up being an only child, thinking he didnt have siblings!) he can heal just a little.
I wish this for all who are lost, searching, hurting; and long for the day that we all have te right to know who we are. Sherry Anderson

[roselee]

That is a really heartbreaking story. I read somewhere else that the foster/adoption system was so different then that a lot of foster families couldn't adopt the children they had in their care - I have no idea if this is true or not and have really no evidence (and it sounds completely absurd) but it would be something to look into. If there is ANY, even a little truth to that it may help your husband through the continous grieving process.
Please look into that. It does sound completely strange.

If this wasn't the case, then the story is HORRENDOUS. To have a child that long just to be carried off like that. That story makes me extremely mad and sad at the same time. I can completely visualize your husband as a scared 7 year old boy.

Prayers to you and your husband.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Lonnie Clements

I want to fix him and teach him how to do theese things, but he never will, sadly.
Sherry Anderson

What he suffered was trauma, first, loss second. The loss will never resolve itself until the trauma is addressed. Therapy can work. Finding someone who understands traumatic grief would help him tremendously.

BTW< has he ever found his foster parents?

[Godmother]

This is true. When my husband and I first looked into fostering in the early '70's, you had to sign an agreement that you would never try to adopt your foster children. It was also the policy to move them every year so they would not get attached.


Roselee wrote: I read somewhere else that the foster/adoption system was so different then that a lot of foster families couldn't adopt the children they had in their care - I have no idea if this is true or not and have really no evidence (and it sounds completely absurd) but it would be something to look into.

[roselee]

It is true? I can't believe it. I have no other words right now to express my deep sadness for the foster parents and children in those days...I am absolutely without words.

[MomwithFive]

It was also the policy to move them every year so they would not get attached. >>

OMG, how awful.