[BDBryant]

Please all keep us in prayer. I feel that we would really benefit from adoption as well as the child we would adopt but hubby is not so sure. It has to be right for all of us but it's heartbreaking that we are not on the same page here. We have 3 daughters now but only one left at home. She will be 11 next month and actually was the one who started pressing us to adopt a sister for her. She misses her older sisters and does not like being now an only child at home. We have an empty room and so much love to give. my daughter and I would love to adopt a girl her age who needs a home. I don't want to pressure my hubby at all but wonder if there is any information/advice I can share with him so it will not seem so scary and negative to him?? My hubby grew up in a very abusive home with his Grandma and Uncle and should have been removed but was not. His Mom died and his Dad went to prison before he was even born so he has his own issues to deal with but keeps the faith and always strives to move forward. I believe he is afraid he could not deal with many of the issues an older child may have. (too close to home) Has anyone been able to work through this kind of thing or should we give up??

[Barksum]

We had to deal with some of what you are working through. My Dh grew up in foster care, so has had a unique understanding and perspective on foster care and adoption. Having said that, he also has had to revisit many difficult memories and experiences as we've gone through our foster parenting training and our adoption process.

You might look into taking the pre-certification classes for foster and adoptive parents in your area. This will give you some information as a family so that you have a more firm basis for making your decision, whatever that would turn out to be.

I would caution you that while adoption can be wonderful and the blessings abundant, it may not be quite what you and your daughter envision. Obviously children are not placed in foster care under happy circumstances and often have emotional issues that need to be worked through. This can take years...and years...of intensive therapy. Many children are socially delayed, sometimes several years below their chronological age, by the various traumas in their lives. While this doesn't sound so daunting in theory, living with a child who is chronologically 12 or 14 but who socially interacts on a 6 or 8 year old level (all while dressing and talking as a 12 or 14 year old) can be pretty tough at times. Additionally there are often brain processing differences due to early neglect and/or drug or alcohol exposure in utero. These brain differences are not visible on the outside, so the child appears 'normal' but has difficulty processing and responding to anything going into his/her brain. Because it is an invisible physically handicapping condition, exhibited only through behaviors, it can be pretty difficult to figure out and work with. Many, MANY people don't want to acknowledge the problem. Including professionals.

If you browse through the 'Special Needs Adoption' forum threads you can read about the various issues that many families are dealing with. Some are very, very sad and downright disheartening and depressing - and not because of lack of love or willingness to work through the problems with a child. Other situations are a testament to sheer endurance in the face unimaginable horrors. And there are still others who have various ups and downs, but they are not nearly as draining to the family's physical, mental, emotional and financial resources as the more severe cases.

I don't wish to discourage you, but do want you to do the research to find the best path for your family. Painful as it is you really should do some research on early childhood neglect and attachment disorders, particularly if you wish to adopt an older child. Here are a couple of web sites that can give you alot of information and provide some other netlinks to get you started. Welcome to ChildTrauma Academy ::::::::::: and Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network - ATN

Hope this helps.

[mj77]

I have to echo some of what Barksum has said too.

I would not advise any family to adopt a child of the same age and sex of the one in the home. For families who have been allowed to do this, I have not heard good results.

Imagine for a minute you had been taken from your dh and told you were going to be someone else's wife forever? Though he may treat you well, how might you feel? A child of age 11ish may come in with a lot of things to work on in her life. She may or may not be angry, she may or may not require a lot of time and outside support. She may or may not attach to her new family...

I'll extend my prayers to your family for answers and direction in how to adopt if it be God's will. I would personally recommend a younger daughter though.

Blessings,
Melissa

[Waiting4Skip]

Adoption for us has been the journey of a lifetime, and probably the biggest lesson we've learned is that is isn't for faint of heart or for couples who aren't 100% on the same page. If you want it, talk to your husband about it, pray on it, then leave the rest up to God. Ultimately, it is in his hands, and if it is in HIS plan for you two to adopt, you will!