[PolishMom]

Pursuant to my last post, I really thought it was pertinent to follow-up with some comments concerning adoption dissolution.

First of all, dissolutions (or disruptions) do happen, even in the small world of Polish adoptions. Since starting this process of adopting A almost 2 years ago, we have seen both the good and bad in adoptions. We have talked to many people who have already gone through the process and some who are considering a dissolution. What we have found in our informal research is that in the majority of cases (but not all) the second family placement is an overall better fit for the child and the child thrives in his/her new home. There are many reasons for disrupting an adoption, some include safety issues for other members of the family, medical issues a family feels it cannot deal with, RAD (big problem), and others. We have also seen that many older adoptive children cannot get past their anger for their perception that they were taken away from their biological family and it is the adoptive families fault they are no longer in Poland. This is obviously often irrational anger but it is very real to the child.

For those of you in the process of adopting, can I implore you to do two things? First, get as much education as you can on institutionalized children. The more education you have, the better off your family will be for it. We (as adoptive parents) are lucky in that Poland does take much better care of their children
than many other countries. However, no child can be institutionalized and come out unscathed. Between our three adoptees, we deal with cognitive delays, short
and long term memory problems, ADHD, SID, PTSD, RAD, depression, and more. But, we are/were educated and we know what we can and cannot take on as a family.

Second, when you get your referral, ask 1,000 questions and, then follow up with 1,000 more. Get informed opinions from adoption doctors here in the states. If you have any inkling that the referral is not a good fit, please turn it down. I know how hard it is to do that, we did that ourselves. It is so difficult to
turn down a referral when you know a child needs a home and you have been waiting so long for a referral. But if is not the right fit for your family, you may suffer the consequences for years to come.

Because we have adopted 2 children directly from Poland and one child indirectly, I feel like I can comment on the following with a good sense of knowledge. Our first two were from 2 totally different regions of Poland and we were flooded with information about our children before we were even allowed to make a decision on the referral (our agency wouldn't even let us accept the referrals until we had all the documents and had time to review and ask all questions necessary). Folks, we received detailed medical records, orphanage and
foster family reports, school reports, psychologist reports, family histories, photos, and videos before we even made a commitment. When we asked for the
Polish paperwork on our newest adoption (who came to us via a dissolution) we were appalled at the lack of information given to the first family. We do not
know if it was because of the differences between the two agencies but we truly believe there was no excuse for the lack of information give to the first family on their adoption. In Poland, information is available, you need to ask and demand it.

I will add one caveat to the previous paragraph. Not all the information in the world is going to prepare you for your child. Be prepared for anything. Just as in the states, some of your child's history may be a total mystery to the powers that be. Circumstances that occurred in the birth family home may not be
revealed to authorities. You may learn of things about your child only when they have joined your family and they are ready to talk about their past.

If you do find yourself in a position that you have adopted a child you were totally unprepared to parent, please find help and support fast. I can direct you to several Yahoo! groups that are dedicated to keeping a family together after adoption. More than anything, preservation of a family is the goal of any adoption. However, if you do find yourself in an even more tenuous situation, know that resources are available to begin the long painful road of dissolution.

I do not want this e-mail to put a damper on anyone's adoptions dream but I do want to add a serious dose of reality. And, if my e-mail would help prevent even
one wrong placement from taking place, then I feel it would have done its purpose.

[angelkisses0102]

Great post Heather.

I think disruption in all of IA is under talked about...thaks for talking about it!

[momraine]

I agree. I went to a conference last week on attachment disorder. Other parents there who adopted from foster care were shocked at how little preparation and training was required for my two international adoptions. (two different agencies).
Being a research person myself, I researched like crazy and I am very glad I did. My son's orphanage had not done any other adoptions, and our agency was new to Polish adoptions, so we got very little information. After court they gave me a lot of information and lots of paperwork. I love my son very much and have no doubt he was meant to be our son, but honestly had we known everything we know now, we probably would not have gone through with it. We deal with RAD and eating issues, but he has come so far in three years and is doing very well now, so healing is possible, just not easy. I can't imagine dealing with it without being prepared.

[MenloAve]

Thank you for sharing.

I found very little information online regarding how much information was provided in a typical referral and had a difficult time evaluating the referrals and the true impact. I think your post is very helpful because people can say to their agency, "I know someone else received this much information, why can one agency get it and not you?" Information on the process is very valuable.

As hard as the process is on the parents, I can only imagine how hard it can be on the kids.

I think it might also be helpful if there was a safe way to share stories of what happened, warning signs, etc. Unfortunately I can't think of a "safe" way to share this info without compromising privacy.

I wish you and A the best.

[hylo]

Thank you for posting your story. I never heard the term adoption distruption. I didn't know that such an option was even likely. I went into adoption knowing that we get what we get, and if our children have problems - we will help them through it because they're our children. We have an obligation to our children.

We are very much aware that if we had biological children we could have had the same exact problems we have with our adopted children. In fact, I have two co-workers who are going through MUCH MUCH MUCH worse issues with their own biological children than the problems I have with my adopted.

So when I get frustrated with the ADHD, the eating problems, the rage outbursts, the OCD, the memory problems, etc - I just keep my focus on the long term perspective. If I give them the help they need, they have a chance of being normal ten years from now and in their adulthood.

Yes, it's difficult and draining, but there are great moments that I cherish with them that make it all better.