[Laura Milcsik]

I'm new here and full of questions! I heard of this board by reading some posts from a post on the FRUA board from someone whose posts were filled with helpful info, and one of them gave a link to this board. To those of you who read both boards I apologize, since I posted these same questions on FRUA's board. I hope between the two I will begin to learn what I need to know.
When I first considered IA we really wanted to adopt from Poland but were discouraged because at the time we really wanted a young child and realized from reading the State Dept's adoption page regarding Poland, we realized it would not happen. At the time we had just gone through the infertility treatment wringer after losing our infant son to illness at the age of 8 weeks. We then began to look at Russia but various things scared us, mainly things we heard from some real experts and some self-proclaimed experts regarding reactive attachment disorder and all sorts of emotional problems that "always" happened due to the orphanage conditions in Russia. We continued looking at Eastern Europe, then put our plans on hold when my father became very ill and after a prolonged illness which required us to help my mom with his care, we put our plans on hold. It actually turned out to be the best for us, because of one of my cousins, who adopted a sibling group of 4 children through our state's foster care program. We had initially not even been willing to consider being foster parents in our state because they tell you upfront that their goal is birth parent reunification, not adoption, and we didnt think we could deal with having a child with us for any amount of time, growing to love him or her, and then have the state decide to return the child to a bio parent. But one day out of the blue my cousin called and said the bio mother of her kids, who she has maintained contact with, was 6 months pregnant and had already been told that due to her past record, the state would probably attempt to begin the termination of parental rights as soon as the child was born. They did do this, and because the state tries to keep siblings together if they can, and my cousin had reached her limit of how many children she and her husband could have in their home, the state placed the baby with us. It was an up and down process, but eventually we were able to adopt this baby when she was a little older than two, although she had lived with us virtually her entire life. We also keep in touch with her bio mother, and she sees her half siblings a lot since my cousin and I are friends as well as just relatives, and we feel very lucky about how things turned out.

But we always wanted more than one child, and there is still something inside me making me want to adopt from Poland. Now our "need" for a young child isnt as strong, I guess because we have now had the experience which we so desperately wanted through our daughter. So now I am researching Poland again, although I am not sure we will qualify. Hence, this long post. My husband is Polish through his father's side of the family and Hungarian through his mother's side. I am completely Polish although I have never visited the country and do not speak the language-yet. I took one Polish course, and am waiting for the local college to offer some more courses. My mother, who recently began researching the family tree, discovered that contrary to what we had previously thought, not all of her family immigrated to the US and we have about 25 relatives who still live in the area my mothers parents came from. Relatives who live in a a neighboring state came here within the past 15 years and go back to visit several times a year and talk with them on the phone regularly. My mom is planning a trip to Poland for some time next year and wants me to go with her, which I am eager to do (with my daughter)

This was all for background because I have some questions I was hoping some of the people here could help me with.

First, will it be an issue that we already have one adopted child? Also, our daughter is not of Polish descent-her bio mom is of Italian and Irish origin and her bio father is Black. Our daughter is currently 2 years,and 4 months old.

Second, our ages. I am 41 and husband is 45. We do not want an infant. Our "ideal" child would be 5 or 6 and we don't care whether it is a boy or a girl. We would be able to adopt 2 children and at a stretch, 3 if that is how big the sibling group is, but would really prefer to keep it to 2, or even 1 if that is all they are willing to match us with. But I am concerned that our ages will eliminate us, or at least make it very difficult. Is that true?

Third, I know the answer to this will be difficult because I'm sure every orphanage is different, but do children from Poland usually have emotional or attchment disorder problems?

Fourth, we feel we would be able to handle a child or 2 children who had physcial problems-up to a point. I guess what I am trying to say is, from what I understand, healthy children are generally adopted by Polish citizens, and special needs children may be more easily adopted. After much thinking we feel we could provide a good home to a child with problems that could be helped surgically here, like cleft palates for example-but we know we could not emotionally take on a child with a very severe or life threatening problem. We also are sure, due to having some family members who have Downs Syndrome and being familiar with its challenges, that we would be able to provide a good home to a child with mild mental retardation or to a child with Downs Syndrome (who didnt have the heart defects that sometimes go with DS and shorten the childs life expectancy) I say this just because after the heartache of having one baby die, I just do not think either of us could handle the death of another child. So my real question is, what are the "typical" physcial problems that children in the orphanages have? I hope I am not sounding too selfish or callous here by saying that there are some disabilities that we could not consider-I am just saying the conclusions that my husband and I have come to after much discussion and soul searching.

Fifth, what is the average cost of a Polish adoption?

Sixth, would my having family-although I have not met them yet-help us at all?

Seventh, would any of you who are doing your adoptions by using a Polish attorney, think it would be a good idea for me to try to find one when I go to Poland with my mother? And would it be likely or even possible to try to meet with whatever agency there handles foreign adoptions even though we will not have started any paperwork at the time of the trip with my mom?

Eighth, I have been reading about the bonding process, and was wondering, who decides if the parents and child are bonded or are a good fit. Does it ever happen where you go there assuming you are going to be matched to a child, and you spend time with the child, and then someone decides that you and the child or children are not a good fit? If that does happen, do they try to match you up with another child during that trip or do you have to go home?

And finally, does the bonding process include bringing your other children with you to see how all the children get along together. In our case, since our daughter is not in school, we would want to bring her with us, if we were allowed. Does anyone think that the fact that she is biracial would play any factor in the decision? Also, I would be able to stay there as long as needed since I work from home and could rearrange my schedule as necessary, but my husband is not so fortunate. Is it allowed for one parent to leave after a certain length of time? Would the fact that my mother could probably come and stay with me after he left be of any help-and in fact would she even be able to meet the child?

I'm sorry to ask so much in one email. If anyone can provide any info regarding the many issues I brought up, I would really appreciate it. The thing that has me worried the most and might just make us have to eliminate Poland, is the age question, so I would really like info about that.

And if there are things you think its important to know when considering Poland, and if I didnt mention them, please tell me those too.

I really appreciate any comments people are able to give, even if they are going to be telling me things that indicate Poland isnt the country for us. Thanks again.

Laura
PS Sorry for the LONG email-I wanted to ask all my current questions at once. I appreciate the patience of all those who actually read the whole thing

[Kama]

Hi Laura,

I want to welcome you to the board and give some answers at least, for now. First of all, if you feel in your heart that you want to adopt from Poland you should at least try, no matter the difficulties you may hear about (no country is EASY to adopt from at the moment). Here are my quick answers:

First, will it be an issue that we already have one adopted child?

I do not think this will be an issue that you have one adopted child already, in fact it shows that you are familiar with issues that can come up (even adopting an infant). I see the fact that your child is biracial as a non-issue. But I have not had any experience with that. You should tell the story of your first adoption in your adoption letter/petition. However, you should really emphasize your call to adopt from Poland, your Polish roots and your husband's as well, as well as your search for family in Poland.


Second, our ages. I am 41 and husband is 45. We do not want an infant. Our "ideal" child would be 5 or 6 and we don't care whether it is a boy or a girl.

This is a slight issue (we were 40 when we were adopting). You should probably start your process ASAP, but make it clear you want an older child, and also that you are open to up to 2 or 3 sibling group.

Third, I know the answer to this will be difficult because I'm sure every orphanage is different, but do children from Poland usually have emotional or attchment disorder problems?

It varies, but generally care in Polish orphanages is excellent and the culture emphasizes affection toward kids (I found all the caretakers to be incredibly warm). Older kids especially come with more baggage, but you can consider that once you get a referral (you should inquire about the behavioral stuff - you should read about it, there are a few books I can recommend).

Fourth, we feel we would be able to handle a child or 2 children who had physcial problems-up to a point. I guess what I am trying to say is, from what I understand, healthy children are generally adopted by Polish citizens, and special needs children may be more easily adopted.

You should definitely put this in your application that you are open to children with some physical (but not behavioral and emotional) disability, including Down syndrome.

Fifth, what is the average cost of a Polish adoption?

I think, with agencies it is about $30,000 or so, or up to that amount. We adopted independently and paid $22,000 for absolutely everything, but we could have spent less if we did not do an additional (it turned out unnecessary) trip.

Sixth, would my having family-although I have not met them yet-help us at all?

Again, it would be good if you get in touch with your family, but definitely emphasize your links with Poland in your application/petition.


Seventh, would any of you who are doing your adoptions by using a Polish attorney, think it would be a good idea for me to try to find one when I go to Poland with my mother? And would it be likely or even possible to try to meet with whatever agency there handles foreign adoptions even though we will not have started any paperwork at the time of the trip with my mom?

It is a possibility, but I do not necessarily recommend using my attorney, and it takes some work to find one. But you should at least try. It is a good idea to meet with people face to face in Poland (if I understood your second part of question right), it goes a long way!

Eighth, I have been reading about the bonding process, and was wondering, who decides if the parents and child are bonded or are a good fit. Does it ever happen where you go there assuming you are going to be matched to a child, and you spend time with the child, and then someone decides that you and the child or children are not a good fit? If that does happen, do they try to match you up with another child during that trip or do you have to go home?

No, in Poland you get a referral on a specific child or children. It the bonding does not work out (extremely rare!! and it is usually the prospective parents who change their mind), you do not get another referral. The legal guardian/social worker from the court visit during the bonding time and observe your interactions with the child and make a recommendation. Again, usually it is positive.

And finally, does the bonding process include bringing your other children with you to see how all the children get along together. In our case, since our daughter is not in school, we would want to bring her with us, if we were allowed. Does anyone think that the fact that she is biracial would play any factor in the decision?

I think that would be a good idea to have your daughter at least for part of the time.


Also, I would be able to stay there as long as needed since I work from home and could rearrange my schedule as necessary, but my husband is not so fortunate. Is it allowed for one parent to leave after a certain length of time?

It is OK for one of the parents to leave. My husband spent only half of the bonding time and I stayed for the whole period.

If you have any followup questions, please let me know and I will be happy to try to answer. Good luck deciding!

[sak9645]

You have received some wonderful answers.

I would simply like to mention one condition with physical, cognitive, behavioral, and emotional ramifications, which is found not only in Poland, but in many countries, including the U.S. And that condition is prenatal exposure to alcohol, sometimes referred to as fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or fetal alcohol syndrome/effect.

In almost any country where alcohol use is common among both males and females, including Poland and the U.S., there will be some women who drink during pregnancy. Either they may not know that alcohol use can affect their baby, or they don't realize that they are pregnant at the time they are drinking, or they may be alcoholic and unable/unwilling to quit drinking while pregnant. These women may have babies born with problems related to exposure to alcohol.

While even a little alcohol isn't good for a developing fetus, there is some correlation between how much alcohol is consumed and how severely affected a child will be. There is also some correlation between the time in fetal development when the mother consumes alcohol and the severity of a child's problems. But the simple fact is that it is often hard to tell how severely affected a specific child in an orphanage will be, even if you know the birthmother's drinking habits. If you have no information about a child's birthmother -- for example, if he/she was abandoned -- you can be guided only by physical appearance and behavior.

Alcohol consumption during pregnancy can cause a child to be smaller than expected, given his genetic heritage -- from below the 3rd percentile to about the 10th percentile in height and weight. This may or may not have any health impact, but when you receive a referral of a child who is unusually small compared to others from his/her country, alcohol exposure is a "possibility" to be considered, though not a certainty.

Alcohol exposure can also cause a child to have certain characteristic physical features, such as lack of a philtrum (the groove between the nose and the upper lip), a thin upper lip, eyes that are narrower than usual, and so on. In some cases, these physical features are evident on a child's referral photograph, so it is a good idea to have the child's referral photograph, as well as his/her other documents, looked over by an adoption medicine specialist, if you are concerned about prenatal exposure to alcohol. But, unfortunately, these features may not be pronounced, especially if the child has only mild or moderate exposure, or if he/she is very young.

A child prenatally exposed to alcohol often has some degree of brain damage. In some cases, an unusually small head -- microcephaly -- will be a clue. And it may be the only physical clue, unless a lot of diagnostic imaging has been done, which is unlikely in a foreign country.

Brain damage related to alcohol abuse should be considered if the child has certain conditions, such as a seizure disorder, impaired fine motor skills, neurosensory hearing loss, poor gait or clumsiness, poor eye/hand coordination, or sensory integration problems. But there can be many other causes for these problems, and alcohol may not be a factor. Orphanage conditions, alone, can cause a child to be delayed in gross and fine motor skills, for example. And it may be difficult to observe these signs in a baby, who is too young to walk, manipulate objects well, and so on. Again, it would be wise to talk with a physician familiar with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder if you are worried about this issue and see some signs that concern you.

Children prenatally exposed to alcohol may be mentally retarded, or may have more specific cognitive limitations, such as problems with language, quantitative reasoning, or memory. These issues may or may not be seen in the very young child who is adopted, and may become evident only when he/she is at or close to school age. It is simply not possible to assess a baby's future ability to reason quantitatively or to use language.

Children prenatally exposed to alcohol may also have other problems that are more likely to show up clearly when they are close to or of school age, such as ADHD. (MOST toddlers seem hyperactive and inattentive, even if perfectly healthy.) They may have difficulty with social skills. They may not comprehend basic parent or teacher disciplinary strategies, such as time-outs. They may have high impulsivity and failure to understand the consequences of their actions, to the point where they can pose a danger to themselves -- for example, by running into a busy street in pursuit of a ball, even when most children their age would not do so.

In short, if you are concerned about emotional or behavioral issues, even though you are open to mental retardation and learning problems, you may want to be cautious about accepting a child with known prenatal exposure to alcohol, although he/she may or may not have been affected by his/her birthmother's drinking.

You can probably assume that there was drinking during pregnancy if a child was removed from the family home due to the birthmother's alcoholism, or if the medical record states that the woman drank. But do be aware that you may NOT know whether the child's birthmother drank, in most cases. The best you can do is to educate yourself about the signs and symptoms of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, and also to have referral photos, medical records, and orphanage records -- to the extent that they are available -- reviewed by a medical expert.

One wonderful place to turn for information is the fetal alcohol clinic at the University of Washington, one of the leading facilities in the U.S. that studies this issue in both adopted and non-adopted children. But most adoption medicine specialists can also help you to find some good basic information.

Sharon