[Mom2_4]

There is a lot of talk in the general adoption community about “Honoring the Birth Parents” in your discussions with your adopted children. And when the bio folks have “made a birth plan” for the bio child, I think that is an honorable thing to do for people who made an honorable plan.

But for us, where our kids bio parents didn’t make a plan and in many cases were frankly either extremely neglectful or even abusive to our children. What do you say then? How do you “honor” people who were neglectful and/or abusive? People who have given your child “issues” that you have to fix/remediate/deal with on a daily basis?

In my case, I have an alcoholic father that I have no contact as an adult and had limited contact with as a teenager. Because of this, I can tell them just as my mother chose to leave him because of his actions’ that Poland removed them from their first parents and found them good forever parents. That bad parents can happen to good people.

I know that this isn’t the official partly line that my social worker would recommend. What do you all say or plan to say to your child regarding their birth parents? Especially to children who have detailed memories of the birth home.

[lastpaige]

Yes, this is a tough one indeed.

Since we are still waiting for a referral, I can't tell you what we'll certainly be saying.

I can imagine, though, empathizing with the children about their bio parents, verbalizing sorrow about parents didn't know or understand how to really be a mommy or a daddy - explaining that it's a tough job. In the case of alcoholism, etc, explaining that their bio parents were ill and couldn't get better. BUT wrapping up the entire conversation saying, "I'm so glad that God made you and gave you to me!"

I think the idea is to not bash their bios by any means.

I don't know - a little 'disneylandish'. We'll see when we really come against it.

[momraine]

My daughter (and my future son probably) was left at the hospital where she was born. She had been wanted until she was born missing parts, then they gave her up. One of the things I have explained to her is that it was cultural thing partially. The care and acceptance she has enjoyed here is not available in Russia. There is no ADA there. I know this has come up with a friend who adopted her kids out of foster care and they too have memories of abuse and neglect. She has told her kids that the parents could not care for them because they were ill (addiction) or too young or just didn't know how to be parents. The fear is that if you don't find something good to say about the parents, the kids identify with them. I had a freind who found out 12 (accidently, she was looking for information while her mom was at the store to make a life timeline and wanted to find the date of her adoption or something) She learned she was the product of rape and it nearly destroyed her. She felt like she was a bad person because of who her father was and what he did. Also children who are abused, often still love thier parents. No matter how bad they are they are still the kids parents. That is why they suggest "honoring" the birth parents, not for the sake of the birth parents, but for the sake of your kids, for whom those people are part of who they are. It does not have to be anything big, just when they ask or it comes up (with them, other people will ask you, but it's none of thier business! Makes sure you don't tell the church gossip that they were abused or neglected, just say thier parents were unable to care for them) Just talk about how it's OK to still care about them and pray for them (if you are religious) and it's also OK to mourn them or miss them, but it's also OK to be angry at them. However staying mad or harbouring hate will not be good for them, it can eat you alive. You don't have to paint the picture of them all rosy, but just - I don't know - don't dwell on the bad, and also, don't you say the bad, they already know it. It's OK for them to say it, but not you. As far as you know those people may now regreat thier actions, they may have been too young, or too addicted to know better. So tell them that and let them forgive and move on. Also it probably means they are going to test you big time. They have to find out how you handle things before they can trust you and feel safe. How far can they push you before you will hit? Will you send them back if they misbehave enough? The only way to find those things out is for them to act up and see how you handle it. Anyway this post is long enough!
Lorraine

[momraine]

My daughter (and my future son probably) was left at the hospital where she was born. She had been wanted until she was born missing parts, then they gave her up. One of the things I have explained to her is that it was cultural thing partially. The care and acceptance she has enjoyed here is not available in Russia. There is no ADA there. I know this has come up with a friend who adopted her kids out of foster care and they too have memories of abuse and neglect. She has told her kids that the parents could not care for them because they were ill (addiction) or too young or just didn't know how to be parents. The fear is that if you don't find something good to say about the parents, the kids identify with them. I had a freind who found out 12 (accidently, she was looking for information while her mom was at the store to make a life timeline and wanted to find the date of her adoption or something) She learned she was the product of rape and it nearly destroyed her. She felt like she was a bad person because of who her father was and what he did. Also children who are abused, often still love thier parents. No matter how bad they are they are still the kids parents. That is why they suggest "honoring" the birth parents, not for the sake of the birth parents, but for the sake of your kids, for whom those people are part of who they are. It does not have to be anything big, just when they ask or it comes up (with them, other people will ask you, but it's none of thier business! Makes sure you don't tell the church gossip that they were abused or neglected, just say thier parents were unable to care for them) Just talk about how it's OK to still care about them and pray for them (if you are religious) and it's also OK to mourn them or miss them, but it's also OK to be angry at them. However staying mad or harbouring hate will not be good for them, it can eat you alive. You don't have to paint the picture of them all rosy, but just - I don't know - don't dwell on the bad, and also, don't you say the bad, they already know it. It's OK for them to say it, but not you. As far as you know those people may now regreat thier actions, they may have been too young, or too addicted to know better. So tell them that and let them forgive and move on. Also it probably means they are going to test you big time. They have to find out how you handle things before they can trust you and feel safe. How far can they push you before you will hit? Will you send them back if they misbehave enough? The only way to find those things out is for them to act up and see how you handle it. Anyway this post is long enough!
Lorraine

[LisArno]

Do you plan on calling the birth parents just that? To me, that makes sense if you adopt a baby, but one of my girls lived with her mom until she was eight years old. I know an adopted Russian girl who talks about "My Russian mom", but she was also adopted as a baby. "Polish mom" doesn't seem to fit since she wasn't a real mom to the children, though as posted somewhere above, it's to honor the child, not the birth parents. Biological mother sounds too complicated for young children.

Thoughts?

[Mom2_4]

Hi,

I don't trash the bios. In fact, I rarely bring them up in discussion. But I have no problem taking about them with my adoptive children when they do.

My question is how do you speak about them in the positive terms that are politically correct when you don't have much nice to say about them and their motivations? The closest thing I found out, by chance, that the youngest of the trio was breast fed , so it is likely that all of them were for at least some time. So at least giving one nice thing to say about their bio mother.

The oldest of my trio remembers the excess drinking (refers to it as "glug-glug-glug") and remembers his bio mother as being cruel to him and his younger bio siblings. His also strongly feels the sting of rarely being visited and then not visited ever after their removal.

One of his first questions to me at a store in Poland was to ask me if I liked Beer (lubbe pivo?) as he pointed to a display of beer. Personally I hate the taste of beer and could honestly "No, I don't like beer, I like Diet Coke. (neigh lewbee pivo, lewbee Coka Co La Light).

My comments about their parents is mostly in the vein of "poor them" they don't get to be your parents any more. And that they must be good looking and athletic, because they (my Polish trio) are good-looking and athletic.

My daughter was so not attached to her bio mother, that I really feel that I'm her first mother. And my youngest is just getting after two years, what the heck a mother really is.