[FosterMomGE]

This is my first placement. My little foster son, whom I loved since he came home from the hospital to my home, is leaving us to be fostered/adopted by kinship. I love him as if he is my own, yet I cannot claim motherhood. It is the strangest feeling I have ever had. He has been with me since birth to 5 months and he is my child (in my heart). And, I have to give him over to relative strangers--although, I like them. He will feel abandoned by me (not by my choice) and that kills me. I know he will adjust quickly...but will I?
I need advice from others ... since this is my first. How long will my grieving process be ... I'm not sure I can do this again. Any advice or stories would be so helpful...

Thank you.

[Mkuhlmann06]

I can tell you I cried for several days after my first placement left. You will need to grieve the loss, as if it was the loss of your child. You've given your all in parenting him and as you have stated, youlove him as if he is your own. As for how long it will take to adjust or move on...it really depends on you and how you normally deal with loss. I know for me, I didn't think I wanted another placement, didn't think I could do it again, or would want to go through the loss/pain again....but then I got the next call and just stepped right back into the swing of things again. And then again poured my heart into the placement until they left. Im not sure I have any advice...except to take some time for yourself, allow yourself to miss him, love him, worry about him, thinking about... and move on to the next opportunity to love, mother and care for a child in need. Im not sure it ever gets easier when each placement leaves, but it does become part of the process.

Good luck...

[JJemail1]

I feel for you. Our 1st placement, who we had from birth to 6 months (just like you), was reunified with his mother in a jail-like rehab facility. He only had one visit for one hour with his mother prior to reunification. Other than a supervisor reporting he was doing fine a few days after reunification, we never heard about or saw him again. (NJ does not allow contact between foster parents and bios.)

It was devistating. I still think about him all of the time and hope I'll see him again one day. I don't care if I have to search for him when he's 18--I will do it.

Since then, another wonderful angel has entered our life via fostercare. Our beautiful baby girl came to us at 4 months and is now 16 months. She's the light of our life and, by the grace of God, she is staying for good.

My take is you never fully recover. The baby will always take up a place in your heart. If you can, try to stay in touch with his relatives--that would have helped me. But more than anything, know that the love and care you've invested has given this baby a wonderful start to life and will impact the rest of his life.

Best wishes,
Jennifer

[greenrobin]

Queenie wasn't a baby, she was 2 1/2, and we had her for 3 months. That was long enough to love her. On June 12 she will have been gone for 1 year. It took me 2 months of grieving before I stopped bursting into tears at random moments every day. Now I'm down to random tears about 3 times a week. And I don't cry as hard or as long.

One thing that has helped me is that I recently found out that she was living with a relative in a different part of our state. Just knowing that she's fine helps.

I've had 6 other kids in my home since then. 4 have gone to relatives and the other 2 are most likely going to stay with me forever. I love every one of them, but it hasn't dulled my love for Queenie--just made the pain softer. I'd take her back today if they called me.

I know that I wasn't sure that I could do it again. I surprised myself. Willingly opening yourself up to the pain is a very strange thing. I read somewhere once that pain was inevitable, suffering was optional. I didn't understand that until I lost my daughter. I wish I could say that I chose the high road right away. What I have found, though, is that for me, the choice to continue to foster is what has helped me move on through the pain.

I wish you peace in your separation. It is the hardest thing I've done. I agree. You don't ever really get over it. You just learn to live with it.

[FosterMomGE]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. My foster son left on Weds. and I have been crying randomly and frequently the last couple of days. On Wednesday, I was surprisingly stoic, I guess I was in shock a bit...although, it wasn't a surprise. I hope this gets easier. This whole first placement was difficult for me...because of the newness and how apprenhensive I was. I want to adopt but our county does not have a foster/adopt program...I would have to go to a private agency for that. Still so new, don't know which way to go. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband and I lost have tried to have children for 12 years...and experienced several losses. It is difficult to finally get a child, love him and loss him...even though I knew it was coming.

[FosterMomGE]

greenrobin, I was touched by your email re. queenie...actually all of your emails. It is nice to know I'm not nuts for loving this child as I do. Some of the county workers minimized my feelings by saying how I had him for such a short time. In baby time, 5 1/2 months is a long time given how much they change and how fragile they are in the beginning. And bonding is tremendous with feedings every 2 hours, etc. Some of these people are so unfeeling about it.

[FosterMomGE]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

Willingly opening yourself up to the pain is a very strange thing. I read somewhere once that pain was inevitable, suffering was optional. I didn't understand that until I lost my daughter.

Also, I loved this quote in your email. I have repeated this several times already to others. It is very strange to willingly open yourself up to the pain of losing a child. I'm not sure why I'm doing it after my long road with infertility. My faith helps...I believe God knows what he is doing by leading me here.

[FosterMomGE]

JJ...I'm happy for you about your little girl. Did you somehow know on some level that she would be yours? I wonder if there is some sort of knowing that we have intuitively about those who will stay. How many placements did you have before you had your "forever child?" I want to foster for a long time...but I cannot wait for the time when I have already adopted and just am doing it to foster.

[FosterMomGE]

Originally Posted by Mkuhlmann06

I know for me, I didn't think I wanted another placement, didn't think I could do it again, or would want to go through the loss/pain again....but then I got the next call and just stepped right back into the swing of things again. And then again poured my heart into the placement until they left.

...I hope I am able to get back into the swing as you did.

[FosterMomGE]

Originally Posted by JJemail1

I feel for you. Our 1st placement, who we had from birth to 6 months (just like you), was reunified with his mother in a jail-like rehab facility. He only had one visit for one hour with his mother prior to reunification. Other than a supervisor reporting he was doing fine a few days after reunification, we never heard about or saw him again. (NJ does not allow contact between foster parents and bios.)

It was devistating.

That is extremely difficult...and I have to say, I have been extremely lucky with my first placement and the kinship family that was chosen. I met her via phone at first and then we met at a restauranth with her children...then for overnight and a weekend visit before transitioning. Her children were so adorable and well behaved that it spoke to me about her parenting. I felt completely reassured about them; however, I loved this child like my own and they have five children already. That was the difficulty. They are his kin, and I understand that. But, in my heart, he is my family.

It's difficult. The kinship family was very generous and offered to keep us in their family. They invited us to dinner on Friday but I had to decline. 2 Days is too soon after him leaving to sit on my hands and watch someone else be mommy to my child (in my heart). I had hoped she understood this. I asked if we could exhange addresses and maybe meet up once a year and possibly get a photo of him. I thought this was best, because I didn't think I could come in and out of his life so casually. Maybe in time, I would think differently on this and asked if we could revisit it at some later date.

I have not heard from her since he was placed with her. So, I don't know if she changed her mind or if she is just giving me space because of the loss.

We spoke on the phone several times for an hour at a time before her placement. Now, I haven't rec'd a call to let me know how is doing.

I don't know what to think.

[FosterMomGE]

I left a message for the kinship mother...and she just called back. She said that my foster son was fussy the first day but has completely adjusted. I am so glad for him and them....but it is so difficult still for me. I know I don't him to not adjust...I just want him to be mine. It's hard. If I had to lose him, I feel comfortable losing him to them. I just wish I didn't have to lose him. She said she felt guilty because she knew how hard this is for me...and because she has five kids (and I have none). But, I told her not to...because if it weren't for her, he would go to another family member (and possibly not as suitable). I don't want to stand in the way of what God's plans are for him. I just don't understand them right now...I'm sure I will in time. It hurts so very much right now.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by FosterMomGE

greenrobin, I was touched by your email re. queenie...actually all of your emails. It is nice to know I'm not nuts for loving this child as I do. Some of the county workers minimized my feelings by saying how I had him for such a short time. In baby time, 5 1/2 months is a long time given how much they change and how fragile they are in the beginning. And bonding is tremendous with feedings every 2 hours, etc. Some of these people are so unfeeling about it.

That's the most insensitive thing I've ever heard! After all, it may have "only" been 5 1/2 months, but it was is WHOLE LIFE (so far). ((HUGS))) - I'm sorry for your loss. :-(

[LibbyHawkins]

I am about to be in your shoes soon. Please update - give me hope I can survive. My little one is 4 months and I picked him up from the hospital at 3 wks, he was a preemie. Like you I am anxious that he will be among "strangers" (to him anyway) and be scared, and wonder, where I am?

[FosterMomGE]

It's hard. The first day I was stoic with a lot to do. I did what I had to do and knew that God was in control. If this was his plan for this child, I needed to accept it and I did. I still missed him and still miss him now. I am waiting to hear back whether he will come back to us at present. I will update as soon as I know more to tell the continuing story. Please pray that everything will work out in the best interest of this child.

[greenrobin]

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes just knowing that someone else understands where you are and what you're feeling helps.

I am delighted that you are able to maintain contact. It was very wise and very loving of you to allow the time for your little guy to become his new family's little guy. He's a lucky boy to have 2 moms who love him.