[mommy2fiveplus]

My first loss through foster care was at age 12. My foster brother, whom my parents recieved at 2 mos and cared for with the intention to adopt until age 2 1/2 was returned to his mother the same week we were to fianlize his adoption. As a family we had coped through his drug withdrawl, his developmental delays and learned to deeply love someone not of our flesh.

The experience left scars on all of us but some of us chose to cope differently. My mother and I continued to love and bond with each child that came our way, my father so hurt by the loss has never been able to fully give his heart over to another foster child yet, and my bio bro and sis were so scarred they felt they were betraying our lost brother when the opprutunity to adopt another foster child came along.

While my dad still does a wonderful job parenting the "lost boys" (teenagers) that they continue to foster I sometimes feel he is missing out on one of the best parts of raising kids, loving them without condition. My bio bro and sister deeply regret not adopting (in our family it is always a group decision) the child that came after our lost brother and they realize how much pain they caused him and themselves (they truly loved him but were unable to admit it at the time).

Someone wise (I am unsure who) once said "it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"

While it is hard to imagine that now, someday you will see how much loving him has done for you and him and I hope you chose to continue fostering and give your heart fully to every child that comes your way, both of you will benefit.

Praise you for choosing to foster in the first place, it is no easy feat and takes courage and emotional stamina the likes of any other condition.

[FosterMomGE]

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

My first loss through foster care was at age 12. My foster brother, whom my parents recieved at 2 mos and cared for with the intention to adopt until age 2 1/2 was returned to his mother the same week we were to fianlize his adoption. As a family we had coped through his drug withdrawl, his developmental delays and learned to deeply love someone not of our flesh.

I'm saddened when I read this. How hard this most of been on you and your family. It is so difficult, I think a little more individual discernment should be used by social services and judges regarding the child's welfard. How could giving the child back at 2 1/2 after he was completely bonded have benefited this child? Couldn't another solution have been made such as...allowing the family some contact while remaining in his family of origin (you).

This is what saddens me a lot.

I want so much to be able to be a selfless foster mom...but I have no other children. Giving this child back was like giving my own child over to someone. I do/did like the family so that made things easier for me.

I'm not sure I will ever contact with my foster child now. I had initially turned down remaining a part of his life (maybe once a year visit) because I thought it would be best for both of our adjustment. He needed to get adjusted to his new family and me to not being his mommy.

We talked a couple times breifly and I had thought she had changed her mind about contact...when she called me to tell me that she called the agency and that he was coming home to me. She told me she felt guilty taking him from a family that loved him and that he didn't need her. I thought she had thought this out and that it was a done deal. I am a new foster mom....did not know a thing. I proceeded to cry and scream as if I had won the lottery.

Later to find out that this is not how the process works. Because she felt guilty, it meant that the county would work with her to get counseling because the mandate to find family (first). Meanwhile, I was sent over the moon and landed flat on my face.

It was worse than my initial loss since I had never thought that he would be coming home and would be adoptable until she told me.

I know she did not mean to hurt by this. It was a bit impulsive. However, it leaves me know without any contact because the county is responding to her feelings of guilt.

I never had the impression that guilt was the whole story. I had felt that it was a graceful way to give the child back while doing something very good in the process.

I will never blame her for this....but it has been devestating. I miss him terribly and now I'm a bit worried about his bonding.

I trust in God. And, I know that this woman and family will ultimately love and care for him if that is what is decided....it just put me through unnecessary pain and heartache. I hope he will come back but place his welfare in God's hands.

I know we all have a "soul" purpose and this might be his....it may be with me....I have to see.

But now with my broken heart in hand...I need to heal and move on. "Let Go...Let God." I'm not there yet but I'm working hard at it.

[mommy2fiveplus]

My foster brother was returned to his bio mom because she turned 18 and was again pregnant, it was thought that this new child would be of mixed race like him and the judge felt she was better equipped to raise a child of african american decesnt because she lived in that community although she too is white. They believed (I disagree) that she was more "in tune" with the culture and that he could not have effectively be raised by a white family. This was 14 years ago and many thoughts have changed since then.

It was very difficult BECAUSE it was the first placement our family had experienced and the loss was profound. But, from experience I can say that You can overcome this and while your FS will always hold a peice of your heart (I know my foster brother still has a part of mine) you will eventually learn that your heart is an infinite thing and grows to meet the needs of however many people you choose to give a little piece to.

Nothing but time and a few really good cries can heal this type of grief.

[momofblessings]

Originally Posted by LibbyHawkins

I am about to be in your shoes soon. Please update - give me hope I can survive. My little one is 4 months and I picked him up from the hospital at 3 wks, he was a preemie. Like you I am anxious that he will be among "strangers" (to him anyway) and be scared, and wonder, where I am?

I too am about to lose my baby girl who I have had since she left the hospital at 2weeks. She is now 13 months old. Her Bmom did not even start to see her until she was 10 months old. The Bmom says she has been clean for 7mos. I am so upset. I am the only mother she has known. It was me who rocked her and paced the floor with her 24/7 as she was withdrawling through some horrible 8 months of life. NOW bmom gets 2 hours a week to play with her and never even called and asked how her daughter was for the first 5 months and the judge thinks she can parent now. Sometimes the system just doesn't think about what is best for the child. It seems to only be for the bmom. The Bmom also lies like no one I have ever encountered and the agency knows this yet they don't seem to care. Character doesn't seem to matter. I have been crying ever since they told me to prepare for re-unification. I also have another foster child in my home. She is the bio sister of the foster son I adopted. She is #8 and she doesn't have any of her children but I was recently told she is getting her act together and this too could be a reunification. I don't get it. HOw many chances do these people get? This is the 2nd child for the bmom who has just shown up after 10 months. The first one was born 5 years ago drug addict also. Since this is the first reunification I have been through I am worried that my heart will not be able to care for another foster child. There is absolutely no way to look at this possitively. My case worker says don't worry children are resileant, she won't remember you. How heartless can they be. I know I am a foster mom and the idea is always to reunite when parents are able to take care but I guess I just didn't realize how hard it would be when the time came. I know God will take care of her. I hope that in the future maybe we could find out how well she is doing. We will miss her. Hopefully God will heal our hearts quickly.

[FosterMomGE]

It has been four months now and I still feel a sense of loss for him but it is tolerable now. I was blessed with knowing he was going to a nice family and would have brothers and sisters close to his age. The county called me three or four times with other placements and I said no. The first call was a week after he left....two little girls. I was called again about them a month later. The other foster home thought they were too much for them to handle with the other children they have. I did it relunctantly....my heart was still in grief at that time. I have to say getting back in the swing of things helped but didn't. The goal of reunification is not always the best thing for the children. With these girls...they are difficult...the goal is reunification with their sister...their parents are incarcerated. They had been neglected by her and will be returned. I don't understand the system and feel unprotected and under-appreciated in the whole process. It is a completely selfless job. I think this will be my last foster care placement. I will go forward to adopt a child that is waiting to be adopted next. But, this by far has been an extremely difficult case for me.

Here's my take...as hard as it was to lose my first placement...A ... my little sweet baby boy. It is true that he will not remember me. They are resilient. Thank God. They adjust but it is not as easy as the agency makes out. But what consoled me was that you placed the loving foundation for this child....no matter what happens .... that computer chip has been installed by you. They may not remember consciously....but on some level they do (it's just pre-verbal...etc.). I also console myself with....God has a purpose for us all....a soul purpose. Perhaps, it was this soul's purpose to take this road...whether we like the road or not. I don't see the full-picture, God does. It helped me somehow to think I was meant for this peice alone. Same with the girls. Although, I am feeling more discouraged right now.

The first few days were horrible...then I would have spells out-of-no where. What made things worse for me was that the kinship mother called and told me that she was giving him back. Then the agency stepped in and helped her to keep him because that is their mandate. Family.

I think cases should be looked at individually....some things can not be so standardized that that the lose the baby with the bathwater.

I pray for you...that will be hard...I don't know if you rely on God...and purpose ... that helped me.

God bless you.