[Corinne1999]

It's been 14 days since we brought our little guy home. He's come a long way in that time.

We've read many attachment books and spoke with other adoptive parents about their experiences prior to adopting. We *thought* we were prepared for our little guy coming home.

*But*...he has a different agenda. For the first 9 days, I carried him alot (he refused to be "worn", though) which he seemed to really enjoy (although front facing..his choice). We began a bedtime routine...porridge, warm bath, story, tried a bottle (still not taking it) and then cuddling and rocking until he fell asleep. He likes the porridge, bath and story but continued to scream when I tried to rock or cuddle him. He'd cry until he was blue and really stressed out...kicking and arching his back... for as long as I held him. I stopped at the 30-45 minute mark. He wanted none of it.

So I've stopped and he happily goes into his crib with smiles and laughter although no cuddles or rocking or bottle.

Am I the failure in this? Should I be continuing to fight him every night to no avail?

The attachment books seem to paint a vignette of babies who *love* being cuddled and held if only the parents would to it.

Has anyone else gone through the extreme "fights" during cuddle time at night? It hurts my heart to know that he resists affection so much *but* then there are many typical kids who just don't like cuddling, too.

He appears to be attaching somewhat. Tonight he was really leary of a neighbour lady who came to visit...might it be stranger anxiety? He prefers me to feed and change him, etc..

Any comments?

[lucyjoy]

I don't know the child's background. Any chance he was drug exposed? Sometimes wrapping the child tightly in a blanket helps. Sensory integration difficulties could also cause this.
How old is the baby? Was he just 14 days old when he came home? sorry, answers can vary according to circumstances of the child.

[Corinne1999]

LucyJoy....I beleive you resonded to another of my posts.. re: 14 month old not taking bottles.

I've wrapped/swaddled him and he just fights all the harder.

Corinne

[lucyjoy]

Have you tried cuddling him at a different time of day? Put him on your lap when feeding him the porridge? Infant massage? Sorry, not much else I can think of to try.

[snuffie]

My "baby" is all grown up and he is not an adopted child. But when he was little he would stiffen up and did not want to be cuddled at all. He liked to be tickled a little and would laugh and giggle. I believe some babies just don't like cuddling. and one thing I did learn was a "mother's instinct" is much better than anything written in a book.

My son is a fine young man now. A senior grad student with a wonderful wife.

Best wishes to you.

[Corinne1999]

It's *feels* like he just doesn't want to be hugged. He does enjoy tickles and laughs and giggles with little games of tickling.
My intuition *is* telling me that holding him for the sake of attachment (which he appears to be doing) is not the best thing for him, at least right now.

Thanks for your support!

Cory

[Sheriv]

I know its hard when he screams and crys....but you know its kinda like when a child is being weaned from the Parental Bed.... They cry because its different and the moment you put them back in your bed because you can't stand the crying its all right with the world. My guy screams too and he's 4.... he hates being held with his mouth...but in the end he loves the touch because for just those few seconds he's special....even when he's fighting. Do not under any circumstances stop holding your baby. Allow him to get mad at you....talk to him while you hold him.... verbalize your understanding of his anger because "you" or the person who was supposed to be you didn't hold him right away and now your there and where were you before.....

Its hard....but I know that if he is as young as he sounds, i.e. months old....he can come around. And even if he's older....it will take more verbalizing and time...but he too will come around. Mine is getting there a little every day.

[fosterbeaner]

Originally Posted by Corinne1999

It's been 14 days since we brought our little guy home. He's come a long way in that time.

We've read many attachment books and spoke with other adoptive parents about their experiences prior to adopting. We *thought* we were prepared for our little guy coming home.

*But*...he has a different agenda. For the first 9 days, I carried him alot (he refused to be "worn", though) which he seemed to really enjoy (although front facing..his choice). We began a bedtime routine...porridge, warm bath, story, tried a bottle (still not taking it) and then cuddling and rocking until he fell asleep. He likes the porridge, bath and story but continued to scream when I tried to rock or cuddle him. He'd cry until he was blue and really stressed out...kicking and arching his back... for as long as I held him. I stopped at the 30-45 minute mark. He wanted none of it.

So I've stopped and he happily goes into his crib with smiles and laughter although no cuddles or rocking or bottle.

Am I the failure in this? Should I be continuing to fight him every night to no avail?

The attachment books seem to paint a vignette of babies who *love* being cuddled and held if only the parents would to it.

Has anyone else gone through the extreme "fights" during cuddle time at night? It hurts my heart to know that he resists affection so much *but* then there are many typical kids who just don't like cuddling, too.

He appears to be attaching somewhat. Tonight he was really leary of a neighbour lady who came to visit...might it be stranger anxiety? He prefers me to feed and change him, etc..

Any comments?

I had one just like this! 30-45 minutes at a time to start is a little much! I started at 30 seconds at a time, gradually increasing from there. These guys you have to sneak in the moments, not force, or they really resist. Could be drug/sensory disorder, but it all takes the same patience and gentle perserverence. It will come in time!

[Sheriv]

You don't say how old your little guy is so I'll give you my thoughts thinking he/she is still an infant. I would continue to hold and rock them....like the previous person small increments but not much alone time inbetween. I've been to orphanages in Brazil where the babies days old cry for too long and wait too long for attention till they just don't expect any..... Definitely continue the bottle..he rejects it because he doesn't know it very well....teach him and let him hold on to that with you for as long as you can...even if they are like 4 years old or older.....its an experience they did not get enough of......

Those years between 0 - 1 are critical and that whole eye contact is so important. If your small one is between 1 - 3.... there still is time to recoup lost experiences......it gets a little dicier over 3 years old.

Good luck. I wish I could have given mine that experience....we got him when he was days shy of 3 and he wants no part of Mommy.

ssv

[thelowlanders]

Our FS came to us at about 7mo old w a Very flat back of head and a comatose personality. He didn't move, and you could lay him on a blanket like a 3 month old and there he'd stay. You can tell what he was used to....

Anyway, he would just not eat...period. I'd try and try to hold him and give a bottle but he would cry and push away. Yet he was VERY chubby. So what's the deal? My friend told me "Put him in his carseat and give him a bottle. That's probably what he's used to." and lo and behold, he chugged a whole bottle down.

So, it took small increments for him to let us cuddle him. I'd get him started and while he was really focused chugging, I'd pick him up and talk with him. Then I'd hold him closer every time. It worked It's sad, but he had to learn how to let somoeone love on him.

Now he's 1yr old and crawling, giggling, and almost walking. And loves his hugs and cuddles. You'll get there

[MamaS]

In the old days (before attachment disorder) the pediatricians used to say that babies who resisted being held and rocked would grow up to be kids who got carsick/seasick/airsick. That the rocking movement actually made them nauseous and that is why they resisted.
My girls were toddlers when they came and the oldest one would NOT be rocked. She does get seasick. The youngest one loved being rocked -- for hours. No sickness. Could be coincidence or course.

[adoptiondesigns]

My DD also resisted being held and fought it with every bit of strength she had. She has come a long ways since then. I don't know many details of your story (in terms of background and age of baby etc) but I can tell you what has been helpful to us:
1. Holding times - even though they resist, continue holding them. Stay calm, tell them you love them and let them express their anger and frustration. At a certain point, they will relax and start enjoying you holding them but it can take a long time when you're just starting out.
2. Bottles - try to make eye contact and stroke your child's cheek
3. Eye contact games with a little bit older baby- peekaboo, etc.
4. recommend this book, especially chapter 8 - Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray
5. this website may be helpful to you: http://www.a4everfamily.org/
Hope this helps!

Marieke

[MagsMommy]

Try different fabrics like flanel or silky satin when holding him. My AMom said the only way my ADad could hold me was when he was wearing a red flannel shirt.

Our son hated being hot and holding him made him hot.
Try sitting on the bed with your legs straight out and a cool sheet over your legs. Put him between your legs so that your legs are touching him on each side, he's on his back and facing you. Then lightly bounce him and talk to him. This might give him both the "touch" and freedom at the same time. It worked for us.

[GrumblersRidge]

Corinne1999, this is completely normal in certain situations. Many babies with attachment issues don't want to be held and behave exactly in that way. That is what I expected, taking a 10-month-old from an Eastern European orphanage. I didn't get that. Instead I got this super clingy baby who at 16 months still wants to be carried everywhere like a four-month-old and who would be most happy if I could do nothing but hold him and rock him all day long. But I've seen what you're talking about and there are clear techniques for working up to holding and cuddling. I researched this a lot and my mother is a child therapist so I had a head start. Supposedly, don't force it. Trying to force any attachment related issue just makes it worse - like me trying to take a break from my large baby. Instead hold the baby facing away from you, even sitting on the bed next to you at first, then slowly (over days or weeks) move him to your lap, slowly by degrees get him turned around, a little more each time. Keep the holding short. Even 30 seconds of pleasant holding is good, better than 5 minutes of crying while holding. Also play games with him that require eye-contact, like peek-a-boo and beeping the nose. Do as much eye contact as he will stand, which can also be an issue. With a baby this young it will pass.