[Corinne1999]

After a very long wait, our family has recently expanded to 4! Happily!

Our son, due to having been born in a small village, lived in a small hospital room, alone, since birth. So, much of his behaviours, I'm certain, are a result of the isolation he experienced. However, I needed to post her to find some support...

For the most part he's a sweet baby. Smiling, laughing, loves to be tickled, loves music and imitates sounds...all, however, without eye contact. I play peek-a-book with only my eyes (mouth hidden) and he does look into my eyes at these times. He loves the water (although coming out is another thing!), he sleeps well. He *only* eats porridge (4-5 huge bowls a day). He won't take a bottle (although we're trying to sneak one in here and there).

He changes personalities when we must get his clothes or diapers changed. He rufuses to lay, so he sits, between my legs, facing outwards while kicking and screaming (blood cuttling) during the process. Whew! I build up a sweat!! Afterwards, I just hold him, craddled in my arms while he continues to rage. Holding his arms and legs firmly and humming or singing. He closes his eyes and refuses to open them. Thus far, his rages have lasted 15-20 minutes and seriously I can't do anymore because of a pain I get in my head..the screams are horrendous.
I kiss him and put him in his crib with a pacifier and he's usually goes to sleep for a bit. He awakes happy and wants up.

My question is this.. He's been in our arms for 5 days. We arrived home only yesterday. Is it way too early to start working with his rage? Should we give him the "several weeks" that is recommended before beginning to "stress" about attachment issues?

We live in a remote region and do not have attachment therapists in our area.

Any support or comments would be warmly welcomed...

Corinne

[lucyjoy]

I would start by continuing what your doing. I know many disagree, but I would never put a raging child that age into a bed or even out of my arms.

I would carry him a lot. Infant massage may also help him. Because of his background, he likely doesn't know how to express his needs or expect anyone to answer them.

Don't let anyone else, except a spouse and occassionaly a grandparent, hold your child.

[Corinne1999]

Can I ask why others would disagree with you? Are there some who disagree with the age at which to begin holding "therapy" or just that they disagree about holding on to a raging baby?

We hold him as often as he asks...that goes without saying. Being on constant "call", however, isn't always possible when we have a 4.5 yr old son who's just getting used to being a big brother and sharing Mommy and Daddy's attention. There's got to be enough to go around.

Corinne

[lucyjoy]

Some people are against holding in general or beleive the child should choose when to be held. I do not believe that is in the best interest of a traumatized child. They need to rage in a safe place(being mom's arms).

[HappyMomAnna]

I don't think anyone would disagree with holding a 14 month old who was isolated and has just joined the family through a rage...I think the disputes about holding come with older children who can make it clear they do not want to be held down....

My son was 12 mos when he came to live with us and he clearly had not been held much before. I overcame some of his issue of not wanting to be held by holding and rocking him at times when he was happy more often.... In fact I spent a lot of time just plain holding him....The diapering issues are not unsual for a child that age in general--and I have found that holding and playing and then getting into my position slowly has helped reduce his fighting of it...also they sell warmers for diper whipes and some children just cannot stand the cold feeling of whipes being used...this seems to be one of my sons biggest issues...

During the first several weeks I was the only one to hold him and rock him except for a few times when daddy got the honor....His first several weeks at home my goal was to hold him until he fell asleep....and then put him into bed....Also I held him a lot when I fed him.... even with a spoon for a long time I held him on my lap and fed him.... later I moved him to a high chair and continued to spoon feed him myself.... He had learned to feed himself but mostly was using his fingers...I wanted him to expereince mommy giving him each bite and playing all the little games of open your mouth....this gave us a lot of eye to eye contact.

We also would lay on the floor with him and play with his toys...look at books and touch as much as we could... We did not allow grandma and others to change him, or hold him or rock him for a very long time...It did break their hearts but when I explained how important it was that he know I was the mommy they did a lot better....

If you hold him as much as you can when he is NOT raging he will become more accepting of your holding.... I personally would not allow him to cry hiself to sleep for some time--that is most likely what he had to do in his past--your goal is to retrian his brain and in many ways it is good to treat him like he is a tiny baby for now.... I joked about having a newborn one year old... Talk to him the way we talk to new babies...sing and talk alot...hold him and touch him as much as possible....

[Gwen]

Although not left alone and neglected as long as yours, our baby was not comforted by being held. Some, as they said, may disagree with holding a child when they do not want to be held. However, my argrument in favour of holding (cuddling, soothing and rocking) would be the baby does not know that is a great, safe and warm place. When neglect takes place, children don't understand and have never felt the arms of a MOM to keep them from raging.
I think that the sooner you teach them you are the SAFE place, the better.