[A_mothers_love]

I totally am saddened that I have to delete this post as it did bring up some good questions....Hopefully everyone has gotten what they need out of it, I know I did

[KilleDowns]

I can say yes, that book in so many ways described perfectly how I felt. While growing up, when people told me I looked like my parents or my sister, I became very hurt, feeling like it was just something else for adults to lie to me about. The only suggestion I can make is to suggest to the adoptive mother to read the book as well. Maybe it will help her understand ways to help your son growing up. I sure wish my parents had read it when I was younger. Good luck.

[lucyjoy]

I read this earlier today and later heard my 12 year old discussing this with his brother. He was talking about how he hates when people tell him he looks like my husband(my inlaws do this and people at church) then he said he thought he looked like me(which he doesn't). He then asked my 14 year old when a person started looking like their parents. He was very concerned that he might look like his birth mom and didn't want that(In this child's case he has reason to be very angry with her).

I also have another child from Romania who is darker skinned and it bothers him not to look like his brothers.

Anyway, I'm going to read this book. Thanks for letting me know about it.

[Blue Irish Eyes]

That is an interesting question..no I have not read the book so I do not know all the things adoptees do or don't want to hear. It could be helpful to just share the bullets.

It seems the only question so far is how adoptees feel when someone says they look like the adoptive parent or how the kids look like one another.

I have two brothers, we are all adopted. My older brother and I are from the same agency in Kansas City MO and my younger brother was born in Iowa. My brothers couldn't care less who they look like. I do. Folks used to say I looked like my mom and then others said I looked like my dad. Inasmuch as my mom was 100% German...and sort of looked like the Queen of England...I would say they missed the mark. My dad on the other hand was Irish and a little Dutch..He had brown eyes and copper red hair and was fair complexioned. I looked more like him as I am fair and have auburn hair but blue eyes. And I am ( IAW my non id info) Irish and a tad Scot!

I never got upset when people said I looked like one or the other. I was just amused at their bad eyesight! LOL I do think some folks, assuming they know you are adopted but don't know they know, may say something like that because they think they are being kind or think that such a comment may make you feel more secure. who really knows.

The one thing I am most curious about is that I have a natural blonde streak in my auburn hair and I wonder where it came from.

In my next life, I want to be 5'10" vice 5'6" and other than that I'll keep my features... yep and oh yeah..a faster metabolism so I don't have to work so hard at trying to stay fit!

Life is good.

[A_mothers_love]

Killedowns
I am not in the position to suggest to my sons mother that she read this book. My worst fear would be to offend her, I cannot tell her how to raise my/her son. Though I have to share that yes I had a dream last night that I snuck up to their house late at night and put it in their mail box...now how corny is that
LOL
Hugs
Melissa

[kittkatt31]

A_Mothers_Love,
I cracked up when I read about your dream!!
That was a great way to end your thread! I could just see
you sneaking to the mail box! Ya Know, there is always
that moment when noones looking, that we will give the
rediculous a try!! He he LOL And if by chance you did
give the rediculous a try, as soon as she checked her mail
and read the cover, she would know indefinatly who put it
There!!!LOL

Thanks for the laugh!
Diane Methvin or (hayleysmom)
Or.....Easily Amused

[KilleDowns]

Melissa,
Don't worry too much about it. The issues brought up in that book are nothing that will scar your son for life. They are just simply small annoyances along the way. It sounded like a pretty exciting dream though.

[Sandyy]

Melissa,
You don't really know what they are saying just by what they have responded to you. Maybe if you focused on what they are doing right instead of assuming that they are wrong things will get better.
My daughter is a different ethnicity than I am and people say we look alike. I see that as a great compliment to me because she is so beautiful. But I think that what they really see is how close we are. And I dress her so she wears clothing that is like what I wear. She also uses many of the same words and phrases that our family uses. I don't really want my daughter to want to look like me. I want her to be happy to look like herself. The beautifull, loving and wonderfull person she is is more than enough for our family.

[shirleyville]

I just had to throw this little "story" in!
I am 38 years old....almost 39......and all my life, I have wanted to look "just like" someone. That is just one of the many things that played out in the on-going fantasy of someday locating my birthmother. I've spent YEARS scouring crowds for faces similar to mine.....knowing that one day, I would see someone who looks just like me, looking back.
What I found, instead, is that my birthmother has blonde hair, blue eyes and is short and petite......which is hysterical to me, because I am taller, heavier and have brown hair and hazel eyes!! Apparently, from what I have been told, ALL of the women in my birthfamily are blonde haired, blue eyed, "small" people! I would never in all of my wildest imaginings EVER have thought that!!
And the "rub" is that I realize now, that I look far more like my adoptive family than I could ever dream of looking like my birthmother!! Now, my birthfather is another story.....I have no idea who he is, but I must "guess" that he has brown hair and eyes!
I have been struggling a lot, in the last few weeks, with the new "sense of self" that I am coming to know. All of the "fantasies" and "imaginings" of the last 38 years flew straight out the window with recent discoveries. I would be less than honest if I didn't say that I feel some sense of disillusionment with what I have discovered, because a lot of my life has been spent thinking that I am who I am, in large part, because of my birthfamily......and I know now, that nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is, I am who I am, becuase I am ME! I am my own person.....
Anyway.....just my two cents!
Hugs,
Sally

[vicrose]

I never had a problem with identity growing up, my adoptive family were a bunch of black-haired olive skinned Italians, and I myself am Irish/Italian, but for some strange reason, you can't see the Italian side of me only the Irish, I am blonde haired, green eyed, very fair skinned. So everyone who met my family just assumed that I was adopted by my looks. But, please don't assume all adoptive parents are insecure!! My adoptive mother was the least insecure person that I know, she actually wanted to help me with my search for my bio-mom before she died!! But now that she has passed on, I am left to search alone, because my adoptive dad is no help at all, his insecurities won't let him help, but I respect that even though it hurts me!! But on a more humorous note, my oldest son looks exactly like me!!!! He looks soooo like me, it's like looking into a mirror when I look at him. It's kind of neat having someone look like me. If and when I find my birthfamily, it will be fun seeing what they look like!!!! Sincerely, Brenda.................

[MkMw]

This book is actually on my "to read" list- unfortunately my "time to read" is somewhat limited, but I hope to get to it soon!

I'm the adoptive mother to 8 month old twin boys - they are the most beautiful boys in the world, and when people talk about how much they look like my husband and I - I am extremely flattered . And they do look like us, I actually had someone all but call me a liar when I told her they were adopted! (She sat next to us on a plane and in talking mentioned she was interested in adopting)

That being said, they also look just like their birthfamilies - our son who looks like my husband also looks like his Birthmom and her family, the son who looks like me - looks like his birthdad so much so that when I met their birthfather he was in a group of 3 and I picked him out immediately.

Is it a bad thing? Neither their Birthfamily nor us think so. In fact their BirthGrandfather was continually telling me how amazed he was that Andrew & I have such similar coloriing (very, very fair - I cry for 30 seconds and look like I've been crying for 30 days!). Our sons will always know they are adopted, I show them a picture of their birthmother fairly regurlarly - and when our social worker finally follows through and gets us pictures of their Birthfather and half brothers we'll show them those as well. (We have an open relationship with their birthmom and semi-open with their birthfather). And our sons will have the option of who and when they talk about their adoption - or not.


Michelle

[litlbear6886]

I am a reunited adoptee, who has, I believe, a unique three way relationship with my mothers. My mothers have taken their common love of me and formed a true friendship of their own. My amom has even told me that she's no longer afraid of losing her daughter, because a "sister" would never do that to her. I was very lucky in the fact my amom was very supportive of my search, and continues to support the relationship I have with Mama Joan. Not all adoptees get that support, but there is no need to find blame. Imagine the afamily's feelings; it's terrifying to let your child go find their bfamily. My amom was able to tell me honestly how she felt, but still had the strength to give me her blessings in my search. Her insecurities and fears were there; that after I found Mama Joan, that I would connect and not want to come back. She was afraid that the bond of motherhood would be so strong that she would no longer have a daughter. I am very fortunate; not all aparents are as able to do that. Just because they aren't able to is no reason to condemn them. In the same situation, I don't know if I would have the strength to overcome that fear.

Growing up, I was told many times how much I looked like my afather's family. Every time my father's friends and business people would see me with him the first time, all commented A LOT about how I favored him, and they could "see where I got my looks". When Dad and I were feeling ornery, we would give each other a LOOK and then announce I was adopted. It was our thing to do, and we loved the look on people's faces when we told them. My Dad always had such a proud look on his face though, and always felt like my resembling him had a direct connection with my happiness with my family. I feel like I, being completely comfortable with my environment, adapted to fit, maybe. To this day, if I didn't know I was adopted, would still think I look uncannily like my afather's mother.

[SomeBunniesMom]

Melissa,
Of course you want your son's growing up experiences to be as close to perfect as possible, and it's sometimes hard to accept that not everything will always be exactly the way you would imagine it should be. The truth is that his parents are not perfect people, but my guess would be they are doing their best for him. There are so many new things being discovered about adoption and the adoptees experience, no one person could possibly know how to get everything just right. We are learning as we go. Your son has been entrutsted to his family to raise him. His family will make mistakes sometimes. Somtimes they will do things that could have been done differently or better, but this is his family, and although you gave him the wonderful gift of his life and genetics, he will also be a product of their influence, customs, and parenting styles. This is a good thing. And this is how it should be.

I can appreciate that this upsets you and I can appreciate that you read in order to understand as much as you can of his experince, but this is something that you have no control over. You need to keep your faith in his family and trust that he is loved and being raised in a good manner and that he will be fine.

All of our parents, adopted or not, have made mistakes in our raising. Most of us are able to come to terms with those mistakes and we are not seriously damaged by our parents lack of information as to how to have raised us in a better way.

If this continues to be upsetting to you, please consider sending a copy of the book to his family along with perhaps a few other books that you have found helpful. By sending several different books, you may make a much more subtle statement,than you would by sending only the book with the information that has caused you so much concern.

In any event, you are a wonderful person to have such strong love and concern for your son and his family. Have trust. It will all be ok.

[hazeltrue]

I am wondering what book (or books) it is that has been discussed in this thread. Thanks.

[Cleopatrick]

Just had to throw in my two cents worth since the topic is one we face a lot. My son's birthmother and my husbands sister look more like each other than my husband and his sister. As a result, my son looks exactly like my sister-n-law, so many people talk about how much he looks like his dad. His birthmother thinks it's great, but I have no idea how my son will feel about it when he's older since he's so little now. My daughter on the other hand is older. Her birthmother and me resemble each other a lot. People always tell us we look just alike, and I can see the hurt on her face as she was a foster/adopt and lived with her birthmom for seven years. I would love some advice on what to tell her that she will understand that people aren't trying to take away from her birthmom as most people don't know even know she was adopted. My youngest daughter doesn't look like any of us, aparents or bparents, so that will never be an issue, lol.

Also, and I do think this is true, a friend of mine once told me that children will imitate their parents facial expressions and that may be what people are seeing when they say they look just like their amom or their adad. Their is no denying though that both my son and my oldest daughter look exactly like their bmoms.