[mom2teenager]

Hi everyone

I am Stacy and I am a single mom to a 12 year old son. I can't begin to explain things and this is why I joined this forum. It seems it's pretty busy and I am sure I will get some feedback.


Now I am not a troll or playing games but need to explain the past 2 events that took place as to why I need some support here. This may sound like a joke but I can promise everyone that I am real. I am a single mom, lost my husband 5 years ago to a car accident and I miss him dearly.

The morning after Christmas, Dec 26th, I was cleaning up from Christmas and I stripped his bed sheets and I noticed a whitish stain on his bedding. I believe my son had a wet dream which is part of puberty but what if he is also masturbating and it wasn't a wet dream. I am not at all ready to have this conversation with my son.

Now New Years Eve,, we were in a rush to head to a friends party. I told my son to take a shower first and then I will get ready. My son showered, got dressed and ofcourse played his playstation 3 until the very last minute. When I went into the shower, I noticed my son ejaculation on the side of the bathtub. I was furious and besides myself as this is something I don't need to see . I was very upset at him but didn't embarrasse him , actually it took some time to even speak to him.


I haven't said anything yet because I am like speechless.. This is where I am looking for support...



Stacy

[RavenSong]

Sounds like a 12-year-old boy to me... I wouldn't get too worried or upset over this one.

Is there a particular reason you don't want to talk to him about masturbation? Since he lost his dad five years ago, he needs you to talk openly with him about his sexuality, IMHO. Is there another male role model in his life who could do this task on your behalf, like an uncle or grandfather? Someone needs to just come out and tell him that it's not appropriate to leave his semen on the side of the bathtub. As far as the stained sheets go, well, I'm afraid you'll probably see a lot more of them in the next six years.

[mom2teenager]

Hi Raven

Thank you for sharing some insight. I am not sure about a male person for my son to talk too. I thought about our local pastor but I feel I should be the one who talks to my son, not someone who doesn't know my son.

I think I just find it odd that I actually saw his semen,, and that he is masturbating.

[RavenSong]

He's 12 years old...and masturbation is totally normal for this age group. But sometimes they need to be told that it's to be done in private. I know some people's religious beliefs conflict with this advice, but from what I've observed over the years, when an adolescent is shamed about masturbating, they can develop some lifelong hang-ups. (My 48-year-old brother still talks about how our mother shamed him and the trauma it caused when she caught him masturbating at 11 or 12.)

I'm wondering if it would help you talk to your son about sexuality if you prepare yourself first...by reading different types of forums where parents are dealing with young teenagers who are entering puberty. I know there's a bunch of books on the topic that you can check out. With teenage girls, I always recommend Our Bodies, Ourselves, but I'm not sure which titles to recommend for a boy. Hopefully some of the moms here who are raising young boys can help you out more in this department.

The teenage years are just plain difficult in so many ways. It's hard to watch your child growing into an adult and becoming interested in sex. But I really believe it's critical for parents to broach the subject and have open and frank discussions with their kiddos.

[millie58]

there are books he can read. but he does need to be able to talk to you. My boys don't talk to me but I think it's because I'm female. They have health in school; I give them the book about male puberty. I tell them if they have questions, they can ask me or my brother when he comes to town. I have talked to them about protection during sex and that No means No.

[Mommyforever]

I talk to my sons and daughters as a matter of fact about private time and their behaviors.

As they grow up they have many changes and they acquire responsibilities they didn't have before. This includes their sexuality. I look them in the eye, like talking about any subject that is important. The mood is easy and not formal, No looking down and I don't refer to any situation I have found. Just the "we need to talk as this is about the age etc..."

This is not a shameful subject, just one us parents hate to face because our babies are growing up Some of us are more ready then others.

I would take my son in the office for a private talk. I would let him know I am familiar with this time in his growing/maturing age and we need to make some accommodations for these changes. He will need some private time for himself and he needs to make it so. The feelings that are going on in his body are all good, healthy and normal but at anytime if he feels pain, burning or has questions, I will be happy to answer them or we can get the information in whatever way he feels most comfortable with. We also need to use some restraint and self control, as to much of a good thing is never healthy

Both boys and girls have these feelings from birth until death. They get stronger at different times in your life and they happen to be getting stronger at this age for you. This would be a good time to introduce a book on the subject that he can go over.

It will now be his responsibility to change his bedding and I will show you how to use the washer and dryer. At any time if I should find you not cleaning up after yourself, I will interrupt whatever you may be doing to take care of it

We believe this is how young men must be treated, as young men. Keep the communications open and look them in the eye.

[RavenSong]

Mommyforever, if there was a "Like" button, I'd push it over and over again! I love your advice and down-to-earth approach...

[Withay]

Raven - I agree with you. I'd push the "like" button too.

My sons are much younger - 4 years - and I talk to them like Mommyforever does, even now. I've 'caught' them playing with themselves and I just look at them and say "I know that it feels good to touch your penis, but that is something that is done in private. You can do it in the bathroom or your bedroom."

Don't make a huge production out of it, just be matter of fact. Acknowledge that it feels good to them, and point out the place(s) and time(s) that it is ok to do it.

[LibbyHawkins]

I also think all of that is AWESOME advice, my son is about to turn 4 y/o and I think I will save this for the future!

[alys1]

I agree with you that you need to talk to him about sex. When I was facing that with my son, he was 4, and I wanted to be able to talk to him his whole life. I felt leery of it, so went to the library, got about 8 books on the subject. (Librarians will help a person find books on different topics.) Some I didn't like, some I read all of, some I read small parts. ThenI felt *much* more at ease with the topic, and different approaches. This might help you over that hurdle.

At your son's age, you could also leave books around for him to "find" and read for himself, if you find one you like.

Hm, on not having an adult male in mind for your son to talk to about these types of issues. When I was a single parent, I always made sure my boys had more than one male in their life they could turn to for such. "Uncle" John, "Uncle Mike", etc. Imagine having only a father to talk to about women's sexuality -- I don't think most girlswould be comfortable with that. I think there is a naturalness to men talking to men about their sexuality that isn't there with women. I got a male doc for my sons, also. His approach to examining their privates really impressed me.

I think your finding some of his "stuff" happens to most moms. On the flip side, boys/men end up having to deal with period supplies in one fashion or another. All just part of our lives.

[mom2teenager]

You guys are awesome and I am still having trouble talking to my son about this.. I know it needs to happen but I don't want to embarrasse him either.. I now know he is masturbating and to make matters worse found his ejaculate which really upsets me..

Do I really tell him " I know touching your penis feels good " That just seems too direct but maybe thats me..

Do I tell him,, if he masturbates to clean up his ejaculate or masturbate in the shower to avoid cleaning up his ejaculate or give him tissues... To me, this sounds to upfront about it and I don't think I will have enough nerve to mention anything in that matter.

Did you guys find your son's ejaculate before,, I mean this really makes me sick and I start having anxiety.

[arkansas parent]

If he leaves a "mess" again I would say something like "you need to clean up the mess you made in the shower". I also think it is time for him to start washing his own bedding. I have a 9yr old , I will NOT clean up any mess he makes. Right now if he misses the toilet while peeing or forgets to flush after pooping HE has to take care of it, it is NOT my mess to clean.

[mom2teenager]

Maybe your right,,, I am still overwhelmed though

[Mommyforever]

I would never refer to a particular situation, Such as, "I found your mess" Or "I know you masturbate hourly".

Give him this gift for his future sexuality, "Education". Ask & answer the questions, read the books and move forward to be the best at what ever he does. We must teach them to take care of business.
Just be mom, "Love you Honey, time to take care of business"

He may be embarrassed if you refer to him doing something wrong or bad which to my way of thinking is not the case. He must be taught what is appropriate and what is not.

You have being the adult on your side He has never had to deal with this issue but you have!

Doesn't matter you being female because you have had the same feelings, desires and behaviors. Us girls may not have had to deal with ejaculate but we must deal with pads/tampons/bloody panties I am here to tell you my father would have flipped a gasket if us girls had not cleaned up after ourselves. Not much different, IMHO

Right now he is just doing what is natural, you must now do what a parent must do and educate him.

[alys1]

Why not practice by talking to someone else, I suggest the pastor, or a male friend or brother. If you gain a little experience at talking about it, that may help you when you do talk to him.

Honestly, you sound so anxious about it, have you tried what I suggested, reading the books about it? Nothing like filling your head with hours of reading of wonderful choices for talking about sex, sexuality, respecting others, and being safe, to help get over any fears and awkwardness. Or maybe you could talk to a counselor about it, to gain some good ideas, and help making it less scary.

There are two classic things that help when doing "public speaking", that is, confronting fears about talking. One: practice. Say the words aloud, while driving alone in your car, while doing dishes alone in the kitchen, in silence, with the radio on, as many different situations as possible. At least 20 times. That will help. You'll change what you say and get more comfortable with your choices.

Second: Say in the beginning that you're nervous to talk about this, and it may be embarrassing to both of you, but you need to talk about it. That will help you get past those feelings, getting the truth out.

I never wanted my husband to be the only person my children could come to, to talk about sex and sexuality. That's why, as I said, I started learning how to talk about it at son's age 4. I wanted us to have a history of talking about it the way we talked about other things, not a mountain of silence to surmount, when he started making choices. My first *big* talk about sex happened the first time I asked him, "Well, are girls still icky?" and he made the gesture, sort-of-yes, sort-of-no. That was my cue to start talking to him that his feelings were *normal*, that they'd get stronger, but that was OK, everyone goes through this, AND he had to respect women, never push himself on them, because he would usually be stronger. To be a kind, respectful man I would be proud of. He was 8 years old.